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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have said something to this woman?

37 replies

sparklesandbling · 15/12/2013 10:44

DD (4 years old) sat in sn pushchair, normally wears helmet and splint on leg. Has disabled badge on footplate of pushchair.

We were in supermarket on Saturday at lunchtime, it was busy.

She screamed once (not high pitched) and this woman immediately huffed and grumbled very loudly - we were stood 3 feet from her.

I told her dd was disabled and could not help it, and then this is a supermarket not a library.

Had she been continually screaming I could understand it but it was once and we were trying to get past her at the time to the exit.

I was really pissed off but was I unreasonable to have said something.

OP posts:

YouTheCat · 15/12/2013 10:46

Not unreasonable. The woman was an arse and I hope she feels suitably ashamed of herself.

mewmeow · 15/12/2013 10:46

Ywnbu. That woman sounds like she was being very intolerant.

UmpireHalfTimeKids · 15/12/2013 10:50

I get this often. Had a woman tell me i was pig ignorant the other day. When i said to her my son had autism she told me i should put a label on him. Right. Even tho he is wellbehaved 95% of time.
It is always older women who give out..
They thinl they're experts.
They think the breakdown in society is your chil's fault.
Have had legions of them giving out to me over the years.

UmpireHalfTimeKids · 15/12/2013 10:51

That was in a supermarket. Usually is!

CailinDana · 15/12/2013 10:52

Yanbu. I am constantly struck by how on edge people seem to be when out in public - the slightest noise or delay angers them so much. It must be hard to live like that.
Yanbu to say something, there was just no need for her to react that way and she might think twice in future.

CailinDana · 15/12/2013 10:54

She said to put a label on your son Umpire?? Quite ironic someone like that feels she can judge you eh?!

callamia · 15/12/2013 10:55

You were exactly right.
I hope she felt embarrassed about her behaviour.

UmpireHalfTimeKids · 15/12/2013 10:56

I have been polite and respectful to these wagons over the years but the last one, last week, she got back what she dished out. Told her to cut my son some slack (he'd pushed her trolley). 0_o
Are people's egos so fragile that they go to war with a child in a supwrmarket???

UmpireHalfTimeKids · 15/12/2013 10:57

Yeh cailindana would never do that to him!!

WhenSarahAndStuckUpTheChimney · 15/12/2013 11:00

What do you mean when you say she huffed and grumbled? Did she complain to you or did she just react to the noise and then pull herself together?

I have a very sensitive ear. I'm deaf in one ear, the other is a constant problem to me following an infection a year and a half ago. It's much more sensitive to loud noise, it's always sore and leaky, I struggle to block out certain kinds of background noise, and a child screaming near me would hurt.

That said, I have a four year old and I know they are prone to making sudden loud noises, so although I might have jumped and put my hand to my ear, I wouldn't have then complained to you or grumbled about you because, you know, what can you do? Children are loud sometimes

Shellywelly1973 · 15/12/2013 11:09

My ds is autistic, sensory issues & has ADHD. He's a noisy bloke! He screams alot. Has such massive sensory issues to the extent that haven't taken ds to a supermarket in over 3 years, hes 8.

We go swimming alot but when ds moves from one room type to another he finds it difficult. So going from the pool to the changing rooms totally overloads him & he screams... Every bloody week he'd scream & the same snotty women would huff & puff all P.A.

In the end I just said to her ' Hes autistic &is sensory impaired & can't cope with the different temperature of the changing roon'. She was quite taken aback & tried to make out she'd not noticed ds...

Take no notice op. Who gives a shit...people are do ignorant. Take care of yourself & your dc.

Shellywelly1973 · 15/12/2013 11:10

So not do!

perplexedpirate · 15/12/2013 11:11

Put a label on him?!
What an absolute, gold-plated bitch!
You did well not to resort to physical violence.

BatmanLovesRobins · 15/12/2013 11:14

Put a label on him? Well, we all know the name of somebody who 70 0dd years ago insisted the 'lesser communities' were labelled, don't we?

OP - YWNBU at all.

ProfPlumSpeaking · 15/12/2013 11:15

YWNBU to be hurt and upset. Whether you were U to say something I guess depends on how you said it. I can utterly see the temptation to be rude but actually I doubt that would be helpful - and it doesn't sound as though you were. If this problem is universal, which seems to be the case from posters, I wonder what the best way to deal with it is? Ratcheting up hostility rarely is (again, not saying you did that at all). On the basis that most people are in fact well meaning, one must assume that the tutting woman was not a monster trying to upset you but was ignorant or perhaps, as poster upthread suggested, herself having SN with regards to hearing/noise. Would a charm offensive be a better ploy, to try to elicit more understanding and make this woman more likely to offer to help in future rather than to judge? Not sure how you could do that, mind....

Original poster

sparklesandbling · 15/12/2013 11:16

she didn't pull herself together or acknowledge what was said, she stared at DD and walked off as I was speaking to her!

OP posts:

WilsonFrickett · 15/12/2013 11:19

most parents of children with SN are on a charm offensive most of the time ProfPlum. But there are times when you're stressed, tired, on your third meltdown of the day and it's only 10am or you simply CBA to smile and gently educate. Why should parents of SN children be held to higher standards of behaviour than the rest of the world? Someone was a bitch to OP, OP called it. Well done OP.

brighthouse · 15/12/2013 11:20

Unfortunately we have so many ignorant people living in our society. It sickens me.

hazeyjane · 15/12/2013 11:26

YWDNU (you were definitely not unreasonable!!)

We had this in a supermarket cafe on holiday, we had had a long drive, ds (3.5) who is disabled was loud and wanted to lie down on the floor, it was difficult, our dds needed to eat, I was trying to get ds back to the car so I could calm him down. The people on the next table stared and stared and were very obviously tutting, to the extent that dd1 (7) was getting very upset and asking why they were staring.

Tbh I was too knackered to have said anything even bordering on polite, but dh very calmy walked over and said, 'please don't stare at my son, he is disabled, he is overwhelmed, we are trying our best and you are upsetting my children,' and then sat back down.

CailinDana · 15/12/2013 11:26

Profplum if you've ever brought kids to the supermarket (sn or not) you'll know it's stressful enough without having to be charming and educate ignorant members of the public. Some people really do subscribe to the "seen and not heard" idea of childrearing and will just be rude and nasty to anyone with a child who isn't completely silent.

While visiting a castle once ds was very excitedly talking about all the things he could see. Most people smiled as he was clearly enjoying himself but one older man said "your boy talks a lot" with a look of disgust on his face. I just said "yes he does" with a smile on my face. He clearly thought that talking (not loudly) in a public place was a problem. How can you reason with someone like that?

SunshinemMum · 15/12/2013 13:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Firsttimer7259 · 15/12/2013 14:00

Good you said something - my disabled dd coming up for 4 was making her chatty noises and giggling. She's in sn pushchair and it was a fairly empty asda yesterday. Not loud just pre verbal chatting away - dd can't speak and some horrible lady muttered shut up at us. I'm still annoyed I didn't pull her up for it - what a bitch

Firsttimer7259 · 15/12/2013 14:04

Hazey - round pf applause for your dh - that level of communicative ability astounds me when in themiddle of something as stressful and upsetting as those situations with a disabled child

MammaTJ · 15/12/2013 14:09

My DD and her friend were around 7 years old and giggling on a bus. Not over loud or screechy, just happy giggling! An old lady was tutting and huffing at them! I just said that anyone who can be upset by a child's laughter has a very sad life indeed!

vtechjazz · 15/12/2013 14:13

Perhaps labels are a good idea. They should say "tut once more and my mummy goes nuclear!".

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