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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to worry that I am entitled and should be standing on my own two feet more?

48 replies

trivento · 14/12/2013 21:29

This is regarding my parents and how much they do for me.

I'm in my 30s, married and we have a 2yo DD. DH works full-time but doesn't command a high wage; I have recently returned to work part-time and earn peanuts. We live hand to mouth - all our bills get paid, but there's nothing left over for luxuries or savings.

My parents are in their early 60s, live nearby and are retired. We never had much money growing up but nowadays they are far more affluent - not millionaires, but comfortable.

Basically, I worry that they do too much for me. They generously paid for our wedding in its entirety (not a big wedding by today's standards, it came in under 5K, but still.) They also gave us a substantial amount towards our honeymoon. Neither of these things would have been possible without them, not for many years anyhow.

Now that I have gone back to work, they are kindly looking after DD for us a couple of times a week. Obviously this helps us massively as avoids childcare costs. I don't drive - and this is a point I feel particularly bad about - my dad collects DD and drives me to work

They are always extremely generous to me, DH and DD at Xmas and on birthdays, to the point of embarassment again because we can't reciprocate on that kind of scale.

I should point out that I am always vocally grateful and appreciative for all they do for me, and I feel very fortunate. But I also feel like I am taking the p*ss and that by this age, I shouldn't need all this help.

So, AIBU to be feeling like I should be standing on my own two feet more? Or should I just continue to feel fortunate for their support and not worry? Hopefully one day we will be able to do the same for DD.

OP posts:

notnow2 · 14/12/2013 21:34

Ahh they sound like lovely parents and I'm sure when the time comes you will help them when they need you. I am sure that you will do exactly the same for your dd if you can and she needs it.

stgeorgiaandthedragon · 14/12/2013 21:34

sometimes I see threads like this and I think it's a shame it's even an issue really (I am not criticising you, you sound lovely!)

It really is more blessed to give than to receive, I LOVE buying presents for people and I'd be so upset if they didn't want them because they couldn't afford to give me an equivalent-cost present.

How can you be entitled when you worry about it?! Plus, I bet they love looking after your DD - I'd be more upset if I had grown children who didn't use me for free childcare!

somersethouse · 14/12/2013 21:38

You are very lucky! How wonderful, I am sure you deserve it and are a wonderful daughter.

It does sound though, that you rely on your parents much, much more than most would at your age. Childcare and lifts to work stick out.
Wedding not so much.

But, so what? It is a lovely thing.

Tapiocapearl · 14/12/2013 21:39

I think you should just thank them and feel very fortunate that they are willing to help you and can help you. You would help your own children/grandchildren if you were in the same situation. I feel my friends and relatives who receive lots of support are very blessed.

We have had almost no help whatsoever over the years really and feel neutral about it, although I'd have loved life to be less of a slog. We paid for our wedding/house deposit/cars/holidays/renovations plus all things related to kids including any necessary childcare. We are a one income family and do everything on a shoe string.

Worriedkat · 14/12/2013 21:40

A loving supportive family is nice. Life has a habit of throwing curve balls sometimes - the balance could swing the other way one day and you'll be there to help them. Me and my dad have a similar thing - last week I was sorting out a legal issue for him while he cooked my children's dinner

BuffyxSummers · 14/12/2013 21:40

I think it's nice that they want to do so much and be such a big part of your life. The only thing that would make you entitled would be if you demanded it or didnt recognise how kind they are - which you don't so you aren't.

RandomMess · 14/12/2013 21:42

I think you will be repaying this kindness when they are older and frail and you help by caring and looking after them, that is the way loving supportive extended families should operate

DreamingOfAFullNightsSleep · 14/12/2013 21:42

No, similar here. My dad paid for my £5k wedding, and also helped us buy our house. Flippinggrateful is what I am

winklewoman · 14/12/2013 21:48

My DH and I are now able to help our two DSs financially, both by paying for works needed on their houses, and by taking them them and our DGCs on holiday. They both work very hard but it gives us great pleasure to know they do not need to be worried about unexpected or necessary expenses. I am quite sure your parents feel exactly the same, and helping you makes them happy. Just thank them nicely, which no doubt you do anyway, and go on feeling fortunate.

Original poster

trivento · 14/12/2013 21:48

Thanks for all the kind replies.

I forgot to mention in my OP that I also feel guilt over the fact they supported me through Uni (I did work part-time, but they supported the bulk of it) but despite getting my degree, I have never utilised it (a combination of immaturity and lack of self confidence I think not pursuing a proper career path in my 20s) so now I am in a situation where I should be able to afford childcare and should have learnt to drive a long time ago, but they are still supporting me.

OP posts:

winklewoman · 14/12/2013 21:54

Your parents will never stop wanting to help you; you are and always will be their dear daughter. Do not feel guilty, be happy that you are part of such a loving family.

Mumsyblouse · 14/12/2013 21:55

They supported you through university as most parents do, I don't see this as something to feel guilty about- you may yet use that degree, it's hardly all over given we have to work til 67-70 nowadays.

I have had a lot of parental support over the years, childcare, my mum even comes over and hoovers my house. I don't ask her to, or depend on her as in I don't do less because I know she's coming- I just would have a dirtier house! But their help with childcare has been invaluable, I don't know if I would have the career I currently have without their help.

I don't think guilt factors into this- I often wonder why so many people in our supposedly wealthy country are overwhelmed and on anti-depressants and finding life so hard, I find having my family around, chatting about life, helping with the kids, and all pitching in together to be very protective, although if you have a difficult family, this would not be the case. It doesn't solve everything, but it's lovely to feel there is that cushion there if life goes wrong.

ScottishDiblet · 14/12/2013 22:09

You and your family sound lovely. It's how families should function, in my opinion - although it's not the English way I think. My only worry would be that you are too reliant on your parents help and might need a contingency plan for if hey can't help with childcare and bills in the future. My family are the same as yours and we know we will always be there for each other but I could get by without their help if I had to.

FudgefaceMcZ · 14/12/2013 22:17

My mum gives me some money towards my youngest's nursery fees, I think she feels it's fair and so do I because when we were young, my gran used to look after us regularly when she was at work or for her to go to social things. We've had to move and she's moved so that's not possible realistically now but it's nice that she wants to help out and I've said any time she can't afford it then I am not relying on it so she can stop. I think as long as your parents know that you wouldn't kick off about them stopping supporting you, then you aren't being entitled, just grateful and they are being supportive. I hate this thing now where everyone goes on about people being entitled for appreciating a bit of help when they have young kids- it's natural for people to help each other so why on earth shouldn't they?

MyBachisworsethanmybite · 14/12/2013 22:20

Are you an only child?

It all sounds lovely but it would be worth your learning to drive now so that you can ferry them about in their dotage.

PoshPenny · 14/12/2013 22:21

I wouldn't worry about it, one day the boot will be on the other foot and they will need you to help them out, probably physically rather than financially. My parents are now in their 80s and whilst they are physically pretty good, changing sheets and physical work of most kinds is rather beyond them now, so I go and do it (mum is not the sort to get a cleaner in). in the grand scheme of things what is the problem, they probably get a lot of pleasure in making your family's life more comfortable, better they spend it now and see the benefits it brings than you have to pay inheritance tax on it later.

WilsonFrickett · 14/12/2013 22:24

People who worry about being entitled rarely are, IMHO. However, I think it's perfectly acceptable to start to make plans to be less reliant on them. Starting with learning to drive.

Do you have siblings btw?

MyMILisfromHELL · 14/12/2013 22:31

OP, you dp's sound like mine & I haven't learnt how to drive (yet) either. Although I know I need to become more independent, I'm very grateful for having such loving parents. As are you I'm sure.

TallyHoHoHoGrenshall · 14/12/2013 22:32

I'm similar as well.

My parents live across the road and they watch DS when I work if DP is not about, sometimes until 10pm. If I'm skint, my DM will give me food from her freezer and put petrol in my car. She will even come and take my washing and say that she just needs to make up a load.

I am so very grateful to both of them, they have a wonderful close relationship with DS. I do drive though, so I take DM shopping, take them to appointments etc. I also cook for my DF if DM is away.

I get a lot more help at the moment from them because my siblings are in better positions than me but they have helped us all at one time or another

BrickorCleat · 14/12/2013 22:48

They sound kind and generous, you sound grateful.

Win win!

Just be pleased you got delightful parents who want to help you. Nobody else's business.

JohnCusacksWife · 14/12/2013 22:57

Well it sounds like your very grateful and not taking advantage of them so I wouldn't feel guilty about the childcare. But I would make the effort to learn to drive....I think relying on your dad to run you to work at your age is maybe a bit child-like. That would massively increase your independence.

deakymom · 14/12/2013 22:57

why not take a few confidence boosting classes and do the career you trained for its fabulous your family are so supportive but the fact you feel this way means your really ready to give it a go im sure they will be supportive xx

JohnCusacksWife · 14/12/2013 22:57

you're not your

DumSpiroSperHoHoHo · 14/12/2013 23:11

Aw - your parents sound lovely.

Mine are very similar - they only have DD and I, and are really good to us.

They have helped me pay off debts, bought me a (small, second hand) car, and my mum comes over most weeks and does a few hours housework for me . I'm very lucky.

I like to think I repay them in kind - phone/text every day, visit every Sunday and will always take annual leave if they need to me to take them to hospital appts etc.

FloozeyLoozey · 14/12/2013 23:19

Oh don't worry. I might be a single parent

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