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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to worry that I am entitled and should be standing on my own two feet more?

48 replies

trivento · 14/12/2013 21:29

This is regarding my parents and how much they do for me.

I'm in my 30s, married and we have a 2yo DD. DH works full-time but doesn't command a high wage; I have recently returned to work part-time and earn peanuts. We live hand to mouth - all our bills get paid, but there's nothing left over for luxuries or savings.

My parents are in their early 60s, live nearby and are retired. We never had much money growing up but nowadays they are far more affluent - not millionaires, but comfortable.

Basically, I worry that they do too much for me. They generously paid for our wedding in its entirety (not a big wedding by today's standards, it came in under 5K, but still.) They also gave us a substantial amount towards our honeymoon. Neither of these things would have been possible without them, not for many years anyhow.

Now that I have gone back to work, they are kindly looking after DD for us a couple of times a week. Obviously this helps us massively as avoids childcare costs. I don't drive - and this is a point I feel particularly bad about - my dad collects DD and drives me to work

They are always extremely generous to me, DH and DD at Xmas and on birthdays, to the point of embarassment again because we can't reciprocate on that kind of scale.

I should point out that I am always vocally grateful and appreciative for all they do for me, and I feel very fortunate. But I also feel like I am taking the p*ss and that by this age, I shouldn't need all this help.

So, AIBU to be feeling like I should be standing on my own two feet more? Or should I just continue to feel fortunate for their support and not worry? Hopefully one day we will be able to do the same for DD.

OP posts:

HandragsNGladbags · 14/12/2013 23:25

Would you do anything for your DD now? That doesn't change when they get older

I am very very lucky to have supportive parents. I will do as much as I can when my DC are older for them to have the best life they can.

GW297 · 14/12/2013 23:40

I expect helping you out makes them happy.

wigglesrock · 14/12/2013 23:59

My parents in law looked after my dd1 two mornings a week when I went back to work. Tbh where I live most grandparents do. Now 8 years on, I'm not working at the minute, I bring my mil shopping, pick up bits & pieces for her, bring the papers round in the morning, bring her to kids nativity plays/concerts. It'll even itself out

My parents didn't have much money or time really when I was growing up, but now they do. They have my elder 2 over for sleepovers, buy the odd coat, outfit, school uniform . I pick them after their nights out, do bits & pieces for them.

Seabright · 15/12/2013 00:48

I think they sound very kind and caring. Can you do something low cost, like baking or making freezer meals for them in return?

But, I do think you should learn to drive. I think it's really something every adult should be able to do. You don't need to buy a car, but the flexibility (especially in an emergency) to hire a car or join a car club will enhance your life,I would have thought.

Alisvolatpropiis · 15/12/2013 00:55

Yabu.

Your parents are generous. You, quite clearly are grateful and not only that hope to be able to do the same for your own dd.

Make sure they know you appreciate them.

You don't sound entitled at all. You have lovely parents and you know it. Don't worry about it op.

BillyBanter · 15/12/2013 01:00

Just remember to cherish them. They sound lovely and supportive. This is what parents do when their grown up kids need it, providing they are in a position to do so. Lots of people are struggling these days with incomes that don't really match the cost of housing and utilities etc.

Maybe ask for driving lessons for christmas!

monkeysox · 15/12/2013 01:11

Like my lovely Mum used to say "if I can't help you, who can?"

Loriens · 15/12/2013 01:12

Your parents sound lovely and I don't think you are entitled at all.
If so I am too, my parents have supported me and DB throughout our lives. I don't mean financially (although they have on many occasions, through uni etc) but with childcare, emotional support and the routine day to day things that make life easier sometimes. We appreciate it so much.

I don't feel entitled, just very fortunate and I now enjoy trying to support my own grown up children in a similar way, doing what I can , when I can. Just as I try to support my parents if and when they need it.

ItsNotATest · 15/12/2013 01:14

Ask your dad to teach you to drive

ShadowsCollideWithPeople · 15/12/2013 01:21

It's give and take though, isn't it? My parents have been wonderful to DP and I. They have helped us out so many times. Tonight, when I mentioned to my Mum that I had seen a gorgeous winter coat, she went online and bought it for me. Last Christmas, my Dad's business was doing badly, my mum's wages were late, and their pots were falling apart, so DP and I bought them an amazing set of pots. Last week when my Mum was really ill, I popped around every day to make soup for her, did their shopping and looked after their puppy. My parents have been so delighted to be in a position to look after us, and we are thrilled to be able to look out for them. That's just yhe way family works, to me. So don't fret, but do make sure you reciprocate their kindness and look after them when they need you to.

Worriedthistimearound · 15/12/2013 01:33

mumsyblouse, surely you have answered your own question about wondering why some people feel so isolated and are on anti-depressants?

Neither DH nor I have any family other than each other and our DCs. My mother died within days of my second dd being born and my father within a year of her. DHs parents and siblings are also dead. We have nobody. No family to spend Christmas with, to share DCs achievements with, to talk through any aspects of life.

Our family life is exhausting and all consuming especially for me as DH works very long hours and is often out of the country with work.

trivento, you are very fortunate to have such loving parents willing and able to help and from my POV, still alive [wry smile] Enjoy it and don't feel guilty. Just appreciate them and the loving bond you all have.

IJustWoreMyTrenchcoat · 15/12/2013 01:37

You don't sound like you are taking advantage and your parents are obviously happy to help.

I could have written your post, I too am often embarrassed by my parents generosity towards me when I should be able to manage more myself. When I broached the subject with them once they told me they were happy to help, that they were glad they could do these things for me now because they couldn't when my siblings and I were younger.

Chippednailvarnish · 15/12/2013 08:48

I'm going to go against the grain here, but you're a grown woman with her own family.

The very fact you are questioning the way things are set up makes me think that you know your asking too much.
What happens if your parents become frailer as they get older? You don't have childcare, you don't have transport and you don't appear to have the means to support your own family. If they were ill, would you be able to support and help them when they need it? Because frankly it doesn't sound like it, which means your relying on them like a child would.

CestelloAnnunciation · 15/12/2013 08:52

If only every family were willing and able to lend such support to each other. You are very lucky and I think its a lovely set up.

However - learn to drive! Its liberating, and you may well need to return the favourof lifts to your parents when they are older and not so independent.

Bumpsadaisie · 15/12/2013 08:55

They sound lovely. My parents do similar. But: do learn to drive and get yourself a car. That's the only element of your situation that sounds a bit, hm, childish to me.

When yr dd is school age and doing all manner of clubs etc you will need to drive. Do it now before any potential second child comes along!

paxtecum · 15/12/2013 08:59

It sounds great to me and I'm early 60's and help my DCs families in similiar ways.

IMO you are not relying on them like a child would.

Your DPs obviously take great delight in being an important part of your DDs life.

DontAskIDontKnow · 15/12/2013 09:03

There's a sort-of reverse snobbery in our culture where you are supposed to have to be completely independent. I feel a bit guilty sometimes because of the help and support I have from my mum, and from my dad when he was still alive. She helps me buy things that I haven't finished saving for and buys clothes for my children. She also helps out regularly with childcare. My grandma did the same for her when she had a young family.

But when I think about it, we provide a lot of practical and emotional support. She comes round for meals several times a week. She adores her grandchildren and wouldn't have it any other way.

So, we are all lucky and we all do appreciate one another. I shouldn't feel guilty and neither should you. It's how people live in other cultures. YANBU.

samandi · 15/12/2013 09:05

Paying for the wedding and honeymoon I really wouldn't worry about.

But I do find it weird that your dad drives over to your house and then drives you to work - each day, or just the days they have your daughter? It's a bit strange to not be able to drive in your 30s and if you want to be more independent then having lessons is something you should look into. If you don't do it now you could easily let it slide and end up in your 50s not being able to drive.

samandi · 15/12/2013 09:07

Sorry, forgot you are part-time, so presumably your dad only drives you to work (and back) twice a week.

What happens if your parents want to go away or are ill?

ThurlHoHoHow · 15/12/2013 09:10

If they are offering, it's all good.

I'm quite similar. Dad picks me and DD up and drives us to theirs to stay the weekend when we want to. They come over and do emergency childcare when I need it. They helped with the deposit for the house. I probably look like an overgrown child with them but I don't ask for all their help, they offer it too and they adore being able to spend time with their grandchild.

Just keep thanking them and doing any little thing you think will help or thank them. You sound suitably grateful, I wouldn't worry about it too much. The fact you are worried is a good thing!

(PS - yes, not driving might seem weird but it's not always that simple to fix, what with the money and the time needed to learn I'd love to be able to drive but it's not something that's instantly fixable)

Littlefish · 15/12/2013 09:13

I think you should learn to drive. It's great that your parents are able to help, but there may come a time when they need your help and being able to drive them to appointments will be invaluable.

I agree with Samandi.

ShoeSmacking · 15/12/2013 09:15

I don't think you are entitled but you seem to have a very child like relationship with them and perhaps it's time to even that out. Like lots are saying, learn to drive. If only because perhaps when they can't drive later they will want you to drive them around in their car to appointments etc.

I think the beauty of family is that it should all even out in the end so you need to be sure that while you are taking all this generosity you are giving back and are prepared to give back even more later when it's harder for them. That means spending time with them now, including them in your life, doing things that show your appreciation even if not expensive (handmade presents from dd, a special meal now and again to say thank you or saving up to get your mum a small thoughtful gift).

Joysmum · 15/12/2013 09:27

I think the fact that you are asking shows you aren't taking the pee. You could raise the subject with them and see what they say. It's perfectly natural for parents to want to help out their children, no matter what age they are, especially do if they are hardworking and their situation in life doesn't reflect this.

I know for a fact that I'll be helping my DC if she needs it, and I know I'd never do more than I felt I wanted to and then begrudge her anything, that's just power play.

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