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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sick of being relied on?

42 replies

MamaPingu · 14/12/2013 08:10

Everyone in my family drives, nobody in DPs family drives.

Therefore it was my parents responsibility to drive DP to and from the hospital when I was in for a c section.

MIL had come to see DS once when he was a day old because her friend drove her.
FIL only saw him at 2 weeks old because me and DP got a bus when I'd had a major operation only 2 weeks before and travelled a long way. God knows when he'd have seen him if not!!! Hmm

Literally every time they see him is when I drive him through. Every single time.
Not once have they got the bus to come see him!

MIL has severe depression and low confidence so I kind of excuse her but there's no reason her and FIL couldn't get the bus together.
My parents have driven me to see DP before we lived together several times when my car broke but FIL brought DP here once and charged him a tenner! (Back when he had a car)

AIBU to be sick of this? I don't feel like it's my responsibility for them to see their grandson if they're not trying.
They wouldn't even be seeing him over Christmas if it wasn't for me yet again and now my Christmas Day is going to be shit because I've got to take DS to see them Confused I wanted to relax and enjoy the day!

I wasn't even going to be able to because my insurance was meant to run out on the 18th but DP pushed for me to renew it Angry

OP posts:
Original poster
MamaPingu · 14/12/2013 08:15

MIL also keeps posting on pictures of DS on Facebook saying how she misses him, which stresses me out cause it says to me "being him to see me"

People really drive me up the wall when they just take and take and never give back Hmm

OP posts:
ShoeSmacking · 14/12/2013 08:21

Well, why aren't you pushing dh to get his licence? Then even if there is stil travel to do to see his parents, he can so it?

Ignore Facebook comments or comment on the pics saying , "he misses you too - why don't you and fil come down this weekend and see him. We'd love to see you."

Original poster
MamaPingu · 14/12/2013 08:25

I am pushing DH, he's scared of driving because his mum has basically taught him the world is a big bad place and has given him no confidence what so ever.
DP keeps promising to start then will make excuses as to why he has to wait Confused

I'd try that put then DP would say something like "they can't afford it" which is bullshit IMO. They haven't got a lot of money but they've got enough to get a bus even once a month!

OP posts:
FunkyBoldRibena · 14/12/2013 08:29

Start Christmad day with champers, and then you can't drive.

ShoeSmacking · 14/12/2013 08:29

Dh is being ridiculous. I have very little time for this kind of attitude. Tell him that as a family you need to both be able to drive.

As for the bus being too expensive, also an excuse. But I'd suggest you pay just to get them moving. You have to pay for petrol anyway so may as well?

Usually I am a big fan of dh dealing directly with his family but it seems to me that they've taught him a certain way and now you need to show him another so I would definitely do my fb suggestion and the like. Just keep repeating it. If she calls and says she wants to see ds politely say you have chores at home but would love to see her, why doesn't she pop down on the bus and spend the morning playing with ds while you do them

How far away are they?

Original poster
MamaPingu · 14/12/2013 08:35

It's driving me mad cause I feel so guilty when she puts comments. Well more mad than guilty if I'm honest!
I wouldn't like DP to take DS on the bus to them because quite frankly even though she's nice I like to be there because she's not mentally stable and I know nobody gets a he of DS other than her so it worries me.

And DP really does need to drive, I think if he doesn't do it in January like he's promised I'm going to give him the option of doing it or I'm leaving him because I am literally the only one who does anything for this family. He won't learn to drive which means he can't get a better job due to travel so he can't provide for us on purpose. He can't even live with us full time I til he learns to drive because he works near his mums so has to stop there overnight because there's no buses back at that time

That family drive me insane they really do!! Confused

But then I'm scared if we spilt up DS will have to go see MIL without me.

Can't win at all!

OP posts:
Ragwort · 14/12/2013 08:41

I think you've got more serious issues here than the not driving Sad.

BohemianGirl · 14/12/2013 08:43

But your FIL does drive, he just chooses not to.

FIL brought DP here once and charged him a tenner! (Back when he had a car)

therefore I wouldnt be having any guilt trips at all.

Out of curiosity, how often does DP see his parents and how do they meet, because if he gets the bus over to them, theres no reason why he cant take a pram on it!

I think thats a bit of a knee jerk to say you will leave him if he doesnt learn to drive. You chose to have a baby with this man, knowing he cant drive.

SpottyDottie · 14/12/2013 08:44

If she puts that on FB then you need to comment along the lines of 'you are very welcome to come and see him!'

You are not the 'extended family taxi'. If they can't do the bus, there are taxis. Is DP their only child?

austenozzy · 14/12/2013 08:45

DP's got some growing up to do. it all hinges on him stepping up and being an adult and parent. unless you're in a large town you need to be able to drive, realistically.

BlackholesAndRevelations · 14/12/2013 08:47

Why don't you trust your dp to take your son to his mums house without you present? This is extremely odd and a bit worrying, isn't it?

Original poster
MamaPingu · 14/12/2013 08:50

They have two daughters aswell, they both came to see him on the bus themselves when he was first born which was good of them! I don't mind they haven't been since.

I hate the fact I'm stuck with them for life I can't ever see them making the effort themselves so maybe contact would become even less often.

I used to take him every week and now he probably goes every 3 weeks if I have to eg for a family birthday. And now Christmas!

The leaving him for not driving is fair IMO because it demonstrates his reluctance to support us at all. We can't be a proper family and live together until he drives so he can get a better job. He can't even see DS for several days at a time because of it.

I'd do ANYTHING for this little boy and so would my family. Fortunately he has wonderful grandparents and great grandparents on my side of the family who'd travel to the end of the earth for him, they really would!

Just wish I didn't have to have anything to do with DPs family at times Sad

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Original poster
MamaPingu · 14/12/2013 08:51

Black holes- because I know for a fact DS will be handed to MIL immediately and she won't let go til he leaves to come home.
Her entire family tip toe around her and do whatever will make her happy because she's depressed which seems to make it worse. If someone else is holding DS you should see how miserable she looks, it makes me feel uncomfortable Confused

OP posts:
DeckTheHallsWithBonesAndSkully · 14/12/2013 08:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MamaPingu · 14/12/2013 08:57

Ooh sorry forgot to answer that one! They live a 20-30 minute drive but the bus is just over an hour

OP posts:
DeckTheHallsWithBonesAndSkully · 14/12/2013 09:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

samandi · 14/12/2013 09:07

You have a baby with a man you don't live with who can't see him for days because he can't drive Confused

Seems a rather bizarre situation to me, and you seem pretty blase about leaving him.

Ah, the wacky world of Mumsnet ...

DeckTheHallsWithBonesAndSkully · 14/12/2013 09:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MamaPingu · 14/12/2013 09:14

It is a very bizarre situation!
When I found out I was pregnant the plan was he'd learn to drive, get a better job and come live with us full time.

12 months later everything's stayed the same, sometimes I wish it was just me DS and my family.

Every single problem I have stems from DP or his family

OP posts:
BlackholesAndRevelations · 14/12/2013 09:15

And the problem with that is.......?

Surely the point of taking him to see his grandmother is that she gets to hold him/play with him?

Maybe I'm missing something here (wouldn't be the first time!)

samandi · 14/12/2013 09:17

Eh? I'm a bit confused about where everyone lives actually. Does the DP live with the OP?

Original poster
MamaPingu · 14/12/2013 09:17

Deckthehalls- brilliant! I will wake 14 week old DS up at 9pm then and get him in the car drive pick us his dad and get home for 10pm.
I will do that on top of being a single mum most of the time doing all the housework, finances, most of the childcare. Why not add picking his dad who cba to provide for us up aswell?

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Original poster
MamaPingu · 14/12/2013 09:18

DP lives with his mum and he's at work and comes here when he's off work

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BohemianGirl · 14/12/2013 09:19

The leaving him for not driving is fair IMO because it demonstrates his reluctance to support us at all. We can't be a proper family and live together until he drives so he can get a better job. He can't even see DS for several days at a time because of it.

You really should have thought of all that before having a baby. However life is far too short for what ifs. my judgy pants are cutting right in this morning

nicecupoftea2013 · 14/12/2013 09:20

Public transport does not exist over Christmas and Boxing day where I live.

Is there a direct bus in normal times? Again where I live, journeys which takes 20 minutes in car can take one and a half hours by bus!

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