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Original poster

Exhausted, defeated, heartbroken and devastated

45 replies

Twinklingstars · 14/12/2013 00:04

Hi,

Needing some advice.

Am beyond devastated after my husband pelted me with a massive dose of emotional abuse this evening. This is after I have given up so much for him and his family.

I am constantly told that I am mean and threatening. I am constantly told that when I am offended by his mother's constant nit picking at my mothering skills that I am overreacting and she did nothing wrong. When I tell him I do not want our little one to visit his parents house because his father has substance misuse issues, I am told I am trying to break up the family, despite me saying they are always welcome here or we can meet them elsewhere, I just worry that house is not safe and I do not want my LO exposed to a world of substance misuse.

Moreover both my parents are very ill and I am constantly told we cannot live with them temporarily to look after them as 'they'd drive us mad' - I am their only child, I need to help them, they are going through hell right now and if I do not help them it is very likely one of them will end up in a care home, the other is already headed towards a nervous breakdown and severely exhausted anyway. When I am tired from dealing with all this do I get a hug from my husband? Do I get told it will be okay? Do I get told I can go stay there and help them in any way? No, I get told to get on with it and that we can't ever move there because he'd hate it.

He has gradually, after more than a decade together, worn away at my non existent confidence. Never notices when I make an effort with my appearance, never notices when I request us going on a date, just us two, always uses our only day off to make us go off, and so I never get to do any housework, and then he leaves it pretty much all to me to do.

We also have nothing to talk about anymore. His biggest dream in life was to buy a home, that's all. He's achieved it all. Yet my dreams to travel, do a masters in the future etc he scathingly says is me trying to take on too much and I could not cope if I returned to full time work etc.

When I do try to tidy the house, which he does not, he criticises me for it and just dumps his stuff everywhere.

And as for Xmas, well lets just say I have bought and wrapped all the presents, hung up all the decorations, made and written all the cards - ALONE. He does nothing and when I suggest us inviting people over he refuses and says I am making too much work for myself. Not what a wonderful idea, I'll help you.

I am trying so so hard. He pushed me to feeling so low about myself that twice this year I have felt suicidal and attempted to end it all with my life. :( I thought no one would miss me if I went. Luckily I am now receiving help to deal with such feelings.

I was severely sexually abused when a child and this has made me terrified of a man shouting at me. But tonight he just would not stop and told me it's my fault we have nothing in common, and me saying that was me abusing him and I was being mean because all I wanted to do was wrap presents and not spend time with him - maybe if he came and helped me we'd be spending time together. He would not stop until I literally broke down in tears and couldn't even breathe and nearly threw up. He does this so much, I can't deal with being blamed for everything and not once in eleven years have I heard 'I'm sorry' from him.

Also with terms to parenting he refuses to compromise on my way of settling our little one or feeding our little one etc and basically forced me into breastfeeding our little one when they were born - His mum aided this by going on ad nauseum about family friends who had not and how ill their children had been and how fat etc etc - so no wonder I felt I had no choice despite the agony and terrible health problems I suffered because of it.

I feel so hurt, so unloved, so rejected, like he is only with me for the sake of our little one. There is no spark now, no romance, I try to do special things, like a candle lit dinner or buying him little gifts but he does not notice much or reciprocate. :( Recently I fell for a friend, I am of course no longer friends with this friend as we kissed and I could see I was headed down a dangerous path so ended it asap, as I did not want to hurt my husband and was angry I had been so foolish. However I am realising this happened because the other man made me feel safe and showed me care at a time when I was/am most vulnerable, at a time my husband had pushed me away continuously.

I am so heartbroken. I have tried and tried to fix our relationship but now I just want out and to be alone.

What the hell do I do?

He ultimately refuses to do marriage counselling or 'anything that will rock the boar', despite my many requests.

When I suggest that I even stay at my parents for a bit of space/change of scene, he accuses me of threatening him.

I am so scared and do not know what to do. :(

OP posts:
VampyreofTimeandMemory · 14/12/2013 00:08

this is awful, what's stopping you from leaving? Sad

ThePost · 14/12/2013 00:10

Pack a bag, take your DC and go to your mum's right now.

Original poster
Twinklingstars · 14/12/2013 00:10

I don't want to separate my LO and H. In spite of all this I still think he is a great father. I don't know I could cope with it. Guess I'm scared of being alone too. :(

OP posts:
JemR234 · 14/12/2013 00:13

He is not behaving like a good father if he is abusive towards his child's mother. This situation is toxic, please get out. Your daughter will be much happier if you are happier.

MonsterMunchMe · 14/12/2013 00:14

Sad it sounds awful.

Report your post and ask for it to be moved to relationships, there are some lovely ladies over there who will give you awesome advice.

How many children do you have? Do you have access to money?

VampyreofTimeandMemory · 14/12/2013 00:14

In what way? Does a good father choose to upset his child's mother this much? I agree with ThePost.

MonsterMunchMe · 14/12/2013 00:14

Good fathers are not abusive to their child's mother. End of.

CappuccinoQueen · 14/12/2013 00:16

Your husband's treatment of you is despicable. A good father doesn't treat the mother of his children like that.

I felt so sad reading your post. You and your DC deserve so much better.

IRCL · 14/12/2013 00:17

A great father does not act in the way you describe Twinkling. They really don't! I don't blame you for being scared of being alone it is a scary thing but not one that isn't manageable, You adjust, you get used to things and in time you will feel so much better.

You deserve so much more.

DejaVuAllOverAgain · 14/12/2013 00:17

He's not a great father. A great father does not abuse his child(ren)'s mother.

Women's Aid 0808 2000 247 should be able to help you. Their number won't show up on your phone bill either.

rabbitlady · 14/12/2013 00:17

what you do right now is stay quiet and focused. if you need to 'perform' - looking upset to keep safe - do it.
when he's not around, get all your stuff together - i mean the evidence of income and assets, the documents, the treasured photographs and new photographs of everything you have (evidence - my husband got away with nearly all the furniture) get them out to a safe place. then, next time he's out, pack what you and the children need, and go to your parents, or, if you have somewhere else to go, to somewhere even safer.
people here will know who to contact for advice better than i do. but you need out. you need security, accommodation, counselling to restore your self-esteem.
you know this. switch to automatic pilot and quietly get on with it. good luck. five years from now you'll know you did the right thing.

lessonsintightropes · 14/12/2013 00:19

Don't want to read and run but it sounds like you are in an impossible situation OP. Have you posted this in relationships, where you might get some more experienced advice? My inexperienced advice would be to get out of there asap but I don't know the pressures you are under, just that this sounds intolerable. Hope you find a way through it.

Original poster
Twinklingstars · 14/12/2013 00:21

Thanks everyone, your support means a lot. x

OP posts:
mouseymummy · 14/12/2013 00:30

Op, I was in an abusive relationship, my h made me feel like yours. I felt like I could no longer go on. I was a mess

Thanks to mn I'm free.

Free to be myself, free to breathe and to be a proper mother to my dcs without bring told I'm doing something wrong because they are crying. Free to see who I want, when I want. Free to help others and not feel bad that not doing "what a good wife should.

Its bloody scary though. My dcs are my world but I'm alone, no one to hold the baby while I change my dds nappy, no one to comfort one of the dcs when they are both crying BUT there is also, no one abusing me.

Every night I crawl into my bed exhausted, Knowing tomorrow will be the same but my god. Its bloody worth it.

Please phone women's aid. Please get help. You are being mentally dragged down, further and further. Your h is not the person you deserve to be with. You have so much to give someone and your h deserves none of it. He is NOT a good father while he is treating you this way. By abusing you, he is abusing your dc. By treating you in this way, he is showing your DC how to behave in their relationships in the future.

Get this thread moved to relationships. They are brilliant with practical advice and the hand holding too. They can and will support you through this.

mouseymummy · 14/12/2013 00:32

Sorry if that is a little jumbled up. I'm trying yo feed ds and get him to sleep as he has been awake since 9pm and is fighting sleep!!

MardyBra · 14/12/2013 00:34

Your thread title is one of the saddest and most evocative I've seen on MN.

There are plenty of more experienced counsellors on Mn, but those adjectives "Exhausted, defeated, heartbroken and devastated" are so sad.

BUT
"Exhausted" - who is exhausting you?

"Defeated" - with the help of friends, family, MN, Women's Aid, surely this can be turned around.
"Heartbroken" What is breaking your heart more? Your failed relationship or your inability to look after your parents?
"Devastated" - that's the worst adjective really. It suggests everything is gone, but there is hope and there another option. Please get some help. This man is nothing.

bochead · 14/12/2013 00:35

take rabbit lady's advice with one caveat.

delete your browsing history from your pc! set it up on automatic.

Pop over to relationships as there are people over there who know lots and can support you through this.

Women's aid will be able to advise you on how to escape, but I do truly think that long term it's not healthy for a child to be raised in this sort of emotional environment.

If your husbands own father has an addiction problem, then it's highly like he has his childhood own demons to battle, BUT hubby needs to do that with the professionals AWAY from you. You also need to be emotionally healthy in order to nurture and protect your child & you cannot do that in your current circumstances.

Bogeyface · 14/12/2013 00:39

A good father does not emotionally abuse his wife, does not bully her, does not undermine her parenting.

I agree with the PP. Pack your bags when he is next at work and move in the your mum. 2 birds, 1 stone.

Tell him that you totally agree that you have nothing in common and so you have decided to "get on with it" as he suggested.

Nanny0gg · 14/12/2013 00:45

You can't be a good father if you're not first a good man.

Your husband is not a good man.

As others have said, pack (including any important documents you can find - birth certificates etc), take your DC and go to your parents. Forget it's Christmas, go as soon as you can.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 14/12/2013 00:46

Your child is learning from you. Learning about how relationships work, about how people should be treated.

Do you want them to grow up thinking this is ok?

Your husband is NOT a good father. A good father would teach their child love and respect by example. Your child will not be better off with a family that is broken. If you leave you will become a different kind of family, but a family all the same, and it won't be a toxic environment.

Call womens aid, they can advise you of the options available to you. You need to leave.

Spero · 14/12/2013 00:56

As everyone else has said - he is not a good father.

if thinking he is a good father is the only thing keeping you, then know this - he is not a good father.

A 'good father' does not abuse his children's mother in this way.

I hope you can find the strength and courage to leave. It is hard I know. But staying will ultimately be much much harder.

AntlersInAllOfMyDecorating · 14/12/2013 01:07

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SoldAtAuction · 14/12/2013 03:06

Firstly, I am so sorry you are hurting like this. Thanks

There is something that really stood out to me in your post. You mentioned that you have been driven to the brink, and wanted to die twice already. If you stay with this vile man, and nothing changes, you could be driven to that point again.
What will happen to your child then? They will be raised by the man that drove their mother to suicide. Sad

Please, for your sake, for your child, for you parents, get out.
You will never know your power until you use it.
Go to your parents, help the way you want to, and be free again.
There is support out there, but you have to be the one to set the ball rolling.

fatandfifty · 14/12/2013 04:08

The best thing a man can do for a child is to love it's mother. Since your husband clearly doesn't love you (and he can't if he treats you this way) the best thing you can do for your child is to leave. Every time he abuses you, your love for him will die just a little bit, until you realise you don't actually love him at all. That will be your lightbulb moment, and you will leave. I hope for your sake that comes soon, that you realise that staying will actually be harder than leaving. Good luck

myroomisatip · 14/12/2013 04:42

Your post made me so so sad. Brought back all the abuse I went through.

Please, if you do not feel you can leave soon, please contact Womens Aid, please talk to them at least.

Things are really bad for you there, but you know, if you stay they will just get worse. Leave asap.