Hi,
Needing some advice.
Am beyond devastated after my husband pelted me with a massive dose of emotional abuse this evening. This is after I have given up so much for him and his family.
I am constantly told that I am mean and threatening. I am constantly told that when I am offended by his mother's constant nit picking at my mothering skills that I am overreacting and she did nothing wrong. When I tell him I do not want our little one to visit his parents house because his father has substance misuse issues, I am told I am trying to break up the family, despite me saying they are always welcome here or we can meet them elsewhere, I just worry that house is not safe and I do not want my LO exposed to a world of substance misuse.
Moreover both my parents are very ill and I am constantly told we cannot live with them temporarily to look after them as 'they'd drive us mad' - I am their only child, I need to help them, they are going through hell right now and if I do not help them it is very likely one of them will end up in a care home, the other is already headed towards a nervous breakdown and severely exhausted anyway. When I am tired from dealing with all this do I get a hug from my husband? Do I get told it will be okay? Do I get told I can go stay there and help them in any way? No, I get told to get on with it and that we can't ever move there because he'd hate it.
He has gradually, after more than a decade together, worn away at my non existent confidence. Never notices when I make an effort with my appearance, never notices when I request us going on a date, just us two, always uses our only day off to make us go off, and so I never get to do any housework, and then he leaves it pretty much all to me to do.
We also have nothing to talk about anymore. His biggest dream in life was to buy a home, that's all. He's achieved it all. Yet my dreams to travel, do a masters in the future etc he scathingly says is me trying to take on too much and I could not cope if I returned to full time work etc.
When I do try to tidy the house, which he does not, he criticises me for it and just dumps his stuff everywhere.
And as for Xmas, well lets just say I have bought and wrapped all the presents, hung up all the decorations, made and written all the cards - ALONE. He does nothing and when I suggest us inviting people over he refuses and says I am making too much work for myself. Not what a wonderful idea, I'll help you.
I am trying so so hard. He pushed me to feeling so low about myself that twice this year I have felt suicidal and attempted to end it all with my life. :( I thought no one would miss me if I went. Luckily I am now receiving help to deal with such feelings.
I was severely sexually abused when a child and this has made me terrified of a man shouting at me. But tonight he just would not stop and told me it's my fault we have nothing in common, and me saying that was me abusing him and I was being mean because all I wanted to do was wrap presents and not spend time with him - maybe if he came and helped me we'd be spending time together. He would not stop until I literally broke down in tears and couldn't even breathe and nearly threw up. He does this so much, I can't deal with being blamed for everything and not once in eleven years have I heard 'I'm sorry' from him.
Also with terms to parenting he refuses to compromise on my way of settling our little one or feeding our little one etc and basically forced me into breastfeeding our little one when they were born - His mum aided this by going on ad nauseum about family friends who had not and how ill their children had been and how fat etc etc - so no wonder I felt I had no choice despite the agony and terrible health problems I suffered because of it.
I feel so hurt, so unloved, so rejected, like he is only with me for the sake of our little one. There is no spark now, no romance, I try to do special things, like a candle lit dinner or buying him little gifts but he does not notice much or reciprocate. :( Recently I fell for a friend, I am of course no longer friends with this friend as we kissed and I could see I was headed down a dangerous path so ended it asap, as I did not want to hurt my husband and was angry I had been so foolish. However I am realising this happened because the other man made me feel safe and showed me care at a time when I was/am most vulnerable, at a time my husband had pushed me away continuously.
I am so heartbroken. I have tried and tried to fix our relationship but now I just want out and to be alone.
What the hell do I do?
He ultimately refuses to do marriage counselling or 'anything that will rock the boar', despite my many requests.
When I suggest that I even stay at my parents for a bit of space/change of scene, he accuses me of threatening him.
I am so scared and do not know what to do. :(