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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel let down...

28 replies

MountainHeights · 13/12/2013 20:52

I'm doing a PhD, I'm lucky enough to have funding, its full time and part time isn't an option. I have 2 young children. It is bloody difficult! I feel I juggle changing nappies with reading journals, I breastfeed whilst trying to type work for my supervisors, I get the children to sleep and work for hours every evening and still seem to be behind. I then seem to tend to children all night and be a walking zombie the next day. In truth I think I feel let down. When I applied for this it was a real family decision, with huge encouragement I spent hours with various family members, explaining what would be expected, what I would need to put in and if successful how I would leave a very successful, well paid job, take a huge step down in salary and how crucially I would need help with childcare as we could not afford it off the scholarship. Everyone encouraged me, everyone supported me, everyone made promises about who would help, how and when and everyone celebrated when I was successful, and now I feel I am on my own. One by one the support has dropped off and now I have 2 children to look after full time and a full time PhD to do. I'm stuck, I can't go back to my old job, this is supposed to be a career change and I am too far through to turn back. In many ways some of it is just cause life has changed and obviously my plans are not others responsibilities but I do feel let down.
I know without doubt this is my problem and other people are fully within their rights to change their minds, withdraw support and my children are my (and DPs) responsibility. I don't hold them withdrawing against them, I don't even mention it. But now I am struggling, I am knackered and I feel alone. I hate it but I feel let down.

OP posts:
cerealqueen · 13/12/2013 20:55

Sounds like you are having a hard time but have you reminded them? perhaps they have forgotten, if you don't ask you don't get.
What does your DP do?

MountainHeights · 13/12/2013 20:59

DP has his own business and travels a lot so isn't around an awful lot, when he is, he is as supportive as possible but it is minimal.
I have raised it gently each one said I'm sorry I know I said I would look after said child on X afternoon but I can't anymore. But what can I say, they are doing me a favour, I can't complain?

OP posts:
harriet247 · 13/12/2013 21:00

Are the children in nursey at all?maybe a day here or there for the older one would be a help?
Im in the same position btw!

cerealqueen · 13/12/2013 21:01

Then I'd feel very let down indeed. Could you negotiate your Phd part time hours?

cerealqueen · 13/12/2013 21:02

Ah yes, when does tour 15 free hours start?

MamaMary · 13/12/2013 21:03

Sorry to hear that, Mountain, PhDs are tough. I know because I did one, before kids, thankfully.

Who exactly do you feel is not supporting you? To be honest, people's lives ARE busy - everyone is busy and it is perfectly possible that genuine things have come up.

Can you afford to pay for some childcare? It is quite unrealistic to complete a PhD without treating it like a full-time job (I take it you're full-time)

And if or when you did get an academic job, it only gets tougher and busier. :(

MountainHeights · 13/12/2013 21:03

cerealqueen part time not an option with the funding stream.
Harriet glad I'm not the only one, but sorry if you're in a similar position!

OP posts:
MamaMary · 13/12/2013 21:04

Sorry, I see you've said you're full-time and you can't afford childcare. Not even part-time childcare?

harriet247 · 13/12/2013 21:07

We get working tax creds to help a little bit but it is a scrape! Yeah perma-tired here too I just repeat that its not forever and live off Alot of coffee,I dont think I could do it without my one free afternoon (baby goes 6 hours once a week)

MountainHeights · 13/12/2013 21:07

MamaMary I think childcare is my only option. It is made easier by my oldest accessing the free vouchers soon but it will be a real struggle.

Currently I do manage to complete full time hours, with every evening and DP helping on a sunday, but it doesn't feel consistent enough, hence I don't feel I am where I would like to be.

OP posts:
MamaMary · 13/12/2013 21:11

Researching for a PhD never feels particularly consistent IME and you never feel you are where you'd like to be! So you're probably doing better than you realise.

Once the children are in childcare I'm sure you will make the most of your child-free hours, and work really intensively. PhD students tend to procrastinate, but in your position you don't have an option to do that, so you're actually probably on a level playing field with everyone else :)

Twoandtwomakeschaos · 13/12/2013 21:11

There is a PhD thread somewhere on here where people who've been/are going through similar might have helpful advice.

lollilou · 13/12/2013 21:13

Not to have a go but why didn't you wait till your children were a little older?

SugarMiceInTheRain · 13/12/2013 21:13

YANBU to feel let down. I had all sorts of promises of help when expecting children and they suddenly evaporated when DS was born! I know not the same situation, but I'm not surprised you feel the way you do - I would. Sounds like childcare is your only option - is there any extra financial help you can get towards that? Can your DP get childcare vouchers through work or does your university have a subsidised creche? When do the free hours kick in?

cerealqueen · 13/12/2013 21:16

You need to find some money for childcare, even a day a week would help. Do you own your own home? Could you re-mortgage to help with childcare costs?

anotherchristmasnamechange · 13/12/2013 21:19

Oh, gosh. DH did a PhD and I felt like a single parent while he was doing it. And because his funding wasn't taxed, tax credits didn't consider him to be in employment, so we didn't get help, and his funders didn't do childcare bursaries. We were absolutely stone broke.

Does your uni have hardship funds? Apply. They're designed for people like you.

Also, you do need childcare. Even if the children could do half days...you just can't do it without. We even gave up our car, and ran out of money at the end of each month, but we couldn't give up childcare because it just wasn't an option. Do you have savings, if you had a well paid job previously? Perhaps you could use some as an investment in your future career? Or a career development loan? Go to student finance and see what help is available with childcare, if any.

Hermione123 · 13/12/2013 21:22

I agree with the previous post, a phd is a long term investment, this isn't the thing to skimp on - take a loan out for childcare if you have to. Be sure to tell the people that promised help and didn't that you are having to do it. How long do you have left?

anotherchristmasnamechange · 13/12/2013 21:22

But YANBU to feel let down. It takes a massive amount of support when you have a family and it might need a direct conversation with your family - they might not know how you are struggling, even though it seems obvious to you. Sometimes we have to spell out what we need.

MountainHeights · 13/12/2013 21:23

lollilou very fair question - my area is sort of a niche thing and a very good opportunity for funding came up which would be unlikely again, sort of when opportunity knocks type thing

Oldest dc is 3 in april....I think that leaves the vouchers till September? We can just about afford it. Not sure about subsidised crèche? Definitely worth looking into! I'm starting to set up arrangements for after Christmas but just feel a bit disappointed. Then I get annoyed at myself as think I shouldn't have made such big life decisions based on other people and that wasn't fair on them either, puts a huge pressure on them hence why I never mention it now.

OP posts:
MillyONaire · 13/12/2013 21:26

I took on a much shorter project (one term) - it seemed like such an amazing opportunity that even strangers offered their support (through friends) and after a few weeks all support (and I mean ALL-even dh's) dried up. I soldiered on though am shattered now and everyone's going "oh it was all so worth it" and I just want to growl!!!
It will be your achievement and imo there's nothing you can do to get helpers on board because what's in it for them? (shallow but true). You have as much enthusiasm from me as I can spare though Grin well done on being so clever and ambitious: you know you can do it even with minimal support and you will be like the little red hen (smug and proud but with all that bread and no one to share with....oh dear maybe not the right analogy...)

LEMisafucker · 13/12/2013 21:29

What year are you in? what (generally) are you studying?

I wrote up my PhD when DD was born and to be honest with you i don't even remember doing it Blush It was bloody hard, i did a science based research PhD so three years in the lab with one year writing up (then stupidly got pregnant at the end of my third year Hmm). The most valuable lesson i learnt was when to say "that'l do" - my supervisor would make just as many corrections whether i had spent days writing a chapter than as if i bashed it out with the first stuff that came into my head. In all honesty, i think the latter came out better in the long run.

I was very lucky in that i had an extremely supportive and understanding supervisor. I did have an extension due to maternity and also i lost my father so had a further extension for that so it ended up taking me 6 years to complete fully Blush but i got there in the end.

I often wonder how people doing non-lab based, non practical research motivate themselves, the writing up was most definately the hardest part. I have to say i became quite good at cross referencing references! needs must!

MountainHeights · 13/12/2013 21:35

Social Psychology - 1st year but was a January start.
Have to say my supervisors are fantastic, really supportive and my lead supervisor has a young baby so really understands the demands.

Ironically really should be working now but for some reason tonight it just really hit me, got children to sleep, sat down to write and wanted to cry, and just started thinking about everything, so poured a glass of wine and logged onto mumsnet! First glass of wine in nearly 2 years!

OP posts:
LEMisafucker · 13/12/2013 22:02

Have tonight off, if you don't drink too mch of that wine, it will look brighter in the morning - i think most people go through this with PhDs at the end of the first year, but it will come together

bellasuewow · 13/12/2013 22:33

Strange that your dp is let off the hook so easily especially as he has two young children and is his own boss....

missymayhemsmum · 13/12/2013 22:36

Do you qualify for the childcare element of working tax credit? Should pay 70% of the cost.
Worth looking at, maybe? Or can you trade childcare with a friend perhaps and get a child-free day?