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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Was I BU to have made a report to the police?

68 replies

flusteredmumto2 · 13/12/2013 20:41

Today I had an incident at college where I was groped by an elderly asian gentleman on my way into college. It was 9.20 this morning and I was walking into college, an elderly man with a stick was walking towards me so I stepped slightly to my right to give him enough space. When he was almost level with me he put his hand out and tried to grab my private parts I turned away from him so to move myself from his touch at which point he put his hand between my legs from behind. It was only a couple of seconds but I didn't react other than to shout. He didn't even turn around. After going to class, I made a report to campus security and notified my tutors. It was then decided to make a report to the police and they're coming to take a statement tomorrow. Am I making a mountain out of a mole hill? As the days gone on I'm feeling more and more shakey about it and it makes me feel sick. How can anyone make me feel like this, its horrible.

OP posts:

lollerskates · 14/12/2013 03:07

ColdTeaAgain "It would of been one of the first questions the police asked about him."

It would have been one of the first questions the police asked about him.

FTFY.

Weirdly, when I was sexually assaulted, the police didn't ask me if he was Asian and yet they still caught him. That's some supersleuth shit right there.

I hope the fucker gets caught, OP. Nasty, nasty piece of work, and he deserves jail time in my opinion. Of course you did the right thing and the dickheads who minimised your experience are just that: dickheads. It's a horrible thing to go through and I hope you feel better soon; but if you don't, do not hesitate to ask your GP for support.

TheNomad · 14/12/2013 03:16

Reporting it is the right thing. OPs report along with other possible reports may get the police to investigate. It will probably not lead to direct police action on OPs assault, but based on his boldness he has done this before and will again. As difficult as this was for OP...I can't imagine what harm could have come to a younger girl who may not have the reaction to shout, stopping his actions.

OP mentioned he is elderly, he may be suffering from dementia (Not attempting to justify his actions). Dementia can lead to inappropriate behavior such as this. This man needs to be identified by the authorities and either prosecuted or be given the mental health support to prevent this from happening to other women and girls.

differentnameforthis · 14/12/2013 04:01

I really don't know why you felt the need to mention his ethic group on here though as that's irrelevant.

It won't be irrelevant when she makes her report to the police, will it. She will need to give them as good a description as possible, so perhaps recording it here is her subconscious way of keeping the facts in her mind.

saying that, mentioning his ethnic group is nowhere as near as bad as what happened to the op, so I don't see why you felt the need to ask her. She has said she is in shock.

rabbitlady · 14/12/2013 08:08

it was a sexual assault and had to be reported. well done.

lozster · 14/12/2013 08:13

Re: Asian reference - I think the op is in the mind set of giving a police statement where ethnicity is critical - if not then obviously crime watch and the news programmes I see have been getting away with racist behaviour for quite some time now.

OP - you have done great. A similar thing happened to me when I was 17 and it shattered my confidence. So by reporting you are helping other women. Unfortunately the same thing happened to me again in my early twenties and was witnessed by someone else who also laughed. There was a thread on feminism some time back about 'minor' assaults. Particularly when I was 17, the impact on me was not minor. It is not acceptable and I glad that you reported it.

QuintessentialShadows · 14/12/2013 08:15

Jesus wept. A woman has been sexually assaulted and some idiot is blathering on about her not being politically correct in mentioning her assailants ethnicity! I can't believe what I am reading!

Good luck op.

ZillionChocolate · 14/12/2013 08:21

OP you were sexually assaulted, it's serious and needed to be reported. Perhaps the laugh was a nervous reaction, if she thinks it's amusing she's an idiot.

Might it be worth you talking this through with a specialist? www.rapecrisis.org.uk/counselling2.php This might be a good starting point. If you haven't given a statement to the police yet, make sure they document just how much this has upset you.

cfc · 14/12/2013 08:30

So MN to be picking apart the shocked woman's OP after a pretty revolting experience.

I agree with the poster who said that OP probably has in her head (and has had since it happened) the events laid out as she will tell the police and campus security.

And FWIW it IS the first thing the police will ask - a description of the assailant or else how will they know who to look out for?!!!

Bonkers hyper-PC MN.

OP - I am sorry this happened. The reason you didn't do owt it because you couldn't believe it was happening. In your mind you will in a matter of a nano-second figured into your reaction, or lack thereof, the improbability of this happening, the age of the man and your inherent, inbred respect for your elders, his disability would have put you on the back foot and as you say you are not a violent person.

I happen to think you were a star for shouting at the fucker. It's all well and good after the event, at the time is a very very different kettle of fish.

This much, I know.

pianodoodle · 14/12/2013 09:07

Of course you were right to report I can't believe anyone would laugh at that!

Ugh how dare he touch you?! He's just lucky as some other woman might have had an instinctive reaction to boot him in the balls.

Hope you're OK!

Lilacroses · 14/12/2013 09:08

Oh fgs, people criticising op for making reference to the man's ethnicity...is she also being ageist in mentioning his age and sexist in mentioning his gender!! How ridiculous. She was describing someone much as you would in a witness statement. I think it would be highly unusual for police not to ask for this info. Well done OP you did the right thing. Sorry about your ignorant fellow student. Your actions could save someone else from a similarly horrible experience.

Lilacroses · 14/12/2013 09:09

HairyGrotter · 14/12/2013 09:11

Sorry to hear of your experience, OP, your reporting it is the best course of action. Good luck and ignore the wails of PC folk and the 'you're overreacting' twits

lljkk · 14/12/2013 09:27

Every detail about him is relevant if they are going to have a chance to find him. You did right OP.

jerryfudd · 14/12/2013 09:38

Well it took longer than expected for someone to jump on the op for daring to mention the word "Asian" but hey ho I appreciate there are posters on this site that only read threads in order to come down on posters for crimes such as this.

Hope you are ok op. You are not overreacting at all. I'm likely to have lamped him in your situation

LadyCelia · 14/12/2013 14:31

OP, I hope you are OK, and you have done the right thing, ignore the people on your course who laughed.

The same happened to me when I was a teenager, I reported it but heard nothing more for 2 years when the police came back to me as the same man (they thought) was arrested on suspicion of raping another 15 year old. If only they'd had CCTV in those days they might have picked him up earlier.

AlpacaPicnic · 14/12/2013 14:39

Do not doubt yourself for reporting this crime - if it happened to one of your friends, what would you advise them to do? Is it call the police? I bet it is.

It's the right thing to do and I hope they can help you.

perfectstorm · 14/12/2013 15:00

Weirdly, when I was sexually assaulted, the police didn't ask me if he was Asian and yet they still caught him. That's some supersleuth shit right there.

If it was an unknown assailant and you didn't provide info on age, height, ethnicity and any other distinguishing characteristics, then it's not just "some supersleuth shit". It's positively psychic.

Mentioning race is not inherently racist. In this instance, the OP wasn't saying ALL SEXUAL ATTACKS ARE BY ASIANS! She was saying an elderly chap with a stick who was of Asian descent attacked her. I don't think she's ageist or disablist, either.

It is not racist to mention someone's ethnicity. It can be, if you assume the default is white in a very racially mixed area, but if the default is white, by sheer reason of numbers, and there's no racism stated or implied in any other way, then I think treating ethnicity as needing to be suppressed as some dirty little secret is in itself potentially racist. Why can't you mention race? There's an interesting body of research on how white people refuse to talk about race because they feel even mentioning it is somehow racist and that they should be "colourblind", and how this actually reinforces racism on the part of their children. People of other ethnicities, conversely, tend to discuss race a lot with their kids... because they need to. They need to equip them to live in a racist world. And as judging others by being same or different is seemingly innate (kids will do it if you give one group a red t shirt and another a blue, and then question them a term later on their preconceptions about the characteristics of both) if you don't talk about it, you actually foster more racism. If you are matter of fact and direct, you can teach them better, and you need to do it when they're under 8 years old for it to be most effective. Yet most white people don't, hoping their kids will somehow learn by osmosis not to be racist... in a world where racism is a constant factor. How does that work?

Race should not be some great unmentionable. It should be a matter-of-fact acceptance that people differ, not an implicit insult.

perfectstorm · 14/12/2013 15:02

Sorry OP, that was intended to support - now I'm worrying it was a derail!

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