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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that if you move abroad, you shouldn't complain if people can't visit you?

29 replies

SpikeyChristmasTree · 13/12/2013 19:32

My aunt and uncle moved to Spain earlier in the year. My mum (aunt is her sister) is disabled. Every time they speak on the phone aunt asks her when she (mum) is coming to visit them. This just isn't going to happen. My mum is frail, physically dependent on me and not up to travelling. Going an hour away in the car is a massive struggle. We also don't have a great deal of spare cash to just up and go on holiday as whilst I work full time I also have to pay for a carer to come in during the day to take my mum to the toilet and make her meals/drinks etc.

Aunt and Uncle are over for a couple of days visiting some friends of theirs 10 minutes from our house, and rang mum this morning. Apparently they will pop in for 'half an hour' on Monday morning. They won't stay any longer because mum 'can't be bothered' arranging a visit to them. My mum is putting on a brave face but she is obviously really upset. I'm very pissed off as I have repeatedly explained to my aunt that my mum is really vulnerable and ill, but she just won't accept this. Aunt thinks I could just take my mum to Spain if only I could be bothered, but frankly the thought of it is enough to push me over the edge as I'm barely coping with all of my responsibilities at home and work as it is, and it would cause mum so much pain.

AIBU to think my aunt just needs to accept that my mum's world is very limited and that we can't just go to Spain because she wants us to?

OP posts:
CoffeeBucks · 13/12/2013 19:33

YANBU. Your aunt is being very self-centred.

HappyMummyOfOne · 13/12/2013 19:37

YANBU, some people are very selfish. If you choose to move abroad then you accept visits may not happen. Bit like those that plan a wedding abroad and moan when people decline the invite.

utopian99 · 13/12/2013 19:37

YANBU. If they initiated the move they should have balanced up the desire to be in Spain vs the fact that it will make people think twice about such a major trek.

We moved from Manchester to London fgs and some of our northern friends treat it like 'abroad'. (Scary weird southern land) we knew that when we moved though and as result go up north to visit them instead. They shouldn't be forced to travel if we were the ones that left.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 13/12/2013 19:42

YANBU

People who move abroad as they approach old age just baffle me.

They somehow seem to count a lifetime's worth of social contacts and family bonds as worthless.

So now this silly woman who moved so far away from her own disabled sister is home for a visit and won't even visit her?

What a total fucking bitch she is.

AnyFuckersfrogslegs35 · 13/12/2013 19:43

YANBU - your selfish Aunt is.

Original poster
SpikeyChristmasTree · 13/12/2013 19:55

Thanks for the responses, I didn't think IWBU but I've just spent 15 minutes on the phone being told how terrible I am so I wanted to check other opinions.

I just don't think she gets how ill and disabled my mum is. She assumes that I could just take her to Spain and refuses to accept that I can't. Some days its all I can do to get us both dressed and fed and myself to work.

OP posts:
sykadelic15 · 13/12/2013 20:00

With regard to your post/situation, you are NBU.

With regard to your topic title, you ARE BU.

I moved overseas. This doesn't mean I can't but upset that I can't easily visit friends or family or that they can't visit me. I'm sick of someone telling me something then saying something like "If you were here you could..." or when talking about my feelings with respect to having children (and my sister having children) that I'll miss being together as a family "Well you shouldn't have moved overseas then". It's rude and unnecessary. Yes I know it's my "fault" for falling in love with my American husband. I know that it's my "fault" for choosing to move here and not there. I know it's my "fault" that we aren't paid well and while our standard of living HERE is fine/good it's sucky flight wise... So I suppose that also makes it my fault that it's thrown in my face every other day. How selfish of me :S

Doesn't seem to matter that I try and stay in contact with Viber/facebook/skype... being available practically every second I'm awake. I'm still kept out of the loop and the "well YOU'RE the one that moved overseas" thing keep being thrown in my face.

Again, your Aunt is being unreasonable. She made her choice and just like I have to, she needs to live with the consequences.

BlingBang · 13/12/2013 20:03

YANBU. It's lovely to get visitors when you move away, it means a lot but the onus is more on you. It got to a point where my mum couldn't handle the long trip anymore and I was sad she couldn't visit but completely understood.

justmyview · 13/12/2013 20:06

YANBU that sounds difficult

Brummiegirl15 · 13/12/2013 20:08

YANBU - I moved to the Midlands from the South 5 years ago. My parents still live down there so I try and see friends whenever I'm home. However I have my an life, DP and friends in the Midlands so sometimes I can only do a short visit. When friends realise I've been home and not been out drinking with them, good lord. The whining!!

Seriously they need to realise that shock horror, the M40 does go both ways!
My point is people are so unbelievably selfish!!!

GoEasyPudding · 13/12/2013 20:15

I think you need to call this relative back on the phone and tell her everything you have said here. On second thoughts write her a letter, spell it out to her.

Tell her you do not want your mum being upset like this again. Tell her to stop demanding you visit as its rude and silly and upsetting your Mum when she has enough on her plate already.

Anatanacoat · 13/12/2013 20:16

YANBU

DH's family did this to us for years. They live over nine hours away by train. DH, who is quadriplegic and was bedbound for five years, has never even turned left out of our own street. They also have refused to visit us when in the city. Their position is so patently ridiculous it has made me feel, in some ways, contemptuous of them, and has spoilt the whole relationship. Sad for them.

Theknacktoflying · 13/12/2013 20:22

As a family who live a long way from our families and support base, I get the fact that it is impossible to travel.

However, contact is a two-way street - your mum may not be able to visit, but does she keep in contact with her sister regularly? There are so many cheap, good alternatives ...

Original poster
SpikeyChristmasTree · 13/12/2013 20:32

My mum speaks to her once a week. We skype sometimes but mum can't hold her head up for too long. My mum is very physically disabled, totally dependent on me or carers I employ. We rarely leave the house other than for me to go to work, my aunt just doesn't accept the extent of the disability.

OP posts:
nooka · 13/12/2013 20:36

OP when is the last time your aunt saw her sister? It may be that she just really hasn't taken in how frail she has become. I know when we last visited FIL dh was very shocked at how gaunt and withdrawn he looked, in his mind it's hard not to visualise him as he was in the past just because we see them so infrequently.

In her mind she may be thinking of how nice it would be for your mum to visit Spain, and just not be accepting that the time for that may have gone. I know that you've explained, but there is nothing like seeing someone for the reality to sink in.

Theknacktoflying · 13/12/2013 20:38

There seems to be a complete lack of awareness on the side of your aunt..

I asked, because my DH has been given all sorts of excuses over the many years as to why she can't fly. Her DD has relocated and suddenly flying is not a problem at all ...

Theknacktoflying · 13/12/2013 20:38

She - my MIL

WorrySighWorrySigh · 13/12/2013 20:43

YANBU - for this reason when we lived abroad I paid for DM & DPiL's flights (it also meant I knew when they were leaving Wink). I would wait for easyjet to release their next tranche of flights then pounce on the best deals.

Original poster
SpikeyChristmasTree · 13/12/2013 20:45

Last time she saw her was May. My mum has been disabled since birth, but has really gone down hill since the death of my father in 2005. She had to move in with me and in that time we've gone from her being able to do the basics for herself to me having to wash and dress her and take her to the toilet. I'm just totally pissed off that she is punishing my mum, who is sodding lonely and ill, because she thinks I won't pull my finger out to make a visit happen.

I'm at the end of my tether and she is pushing me over the edge.

OP posts:
realblueprint · 13/12/2013 20:49

YANBU.

Not the same, but a v good old friend moved to the US over 10 years ago. I have been over and visited her 3 times, but not been over in the last 6 years, basically because I had 2 x young DC and became a SAHM.

My friend frequently asks when we as a family are going to visit - last time I checked the flights alone would have cost us over £2k Shock we can't even afford for just me to go. She is planning to get married and trying for a baby and I have promised I will somehow find the money to come over for either of those things, but we Just. Don't. Have. The. Money. and I really don't think she understands that :(

Mimishimi · 13/12/2013 21:01

YANBU vis-a-vis Spain but you are being a bit unreasonable to expect them to make a longer visit to your mum regardless. Obviously their feelings have been quite hurt and perhaps your aunt does not think your mum's disability prevents her from travelling. Have they ever offered, or have you ever asked them, to pay at least half when they ask you to visit? Does your mum make other efforts to stay in touch - eg Skype etc?

Bogeyface · 13/12/2013 21:07

I think its time to get angry.

I would be inclined to right an email to send after their visit. Point out exactly how hurt your mum was and how angry you are that they are punishing for your perceived laziness. Bullet points might be good

Mum is too ill to travel, this is fact. If you dont believe then I will happily arrange for her GP write to you to confirm this

Even if Mum could travel, due to the costs of her carers etc, it would be financially impossibly.

etc etc

Bogeyface · 13/12/2013 21:08

Write not right, impossible not impossibly etc! Sorry, been a long day.

Original poster
SpikeyChristmasTree · 13/12/2013 22:23

If they could only spare 30 minutes, no problem. It is the fact that my aunt actually stated that they aren't staying for longer because she hasn't made the effort to go to Spain to visit them.

I honestly don't care if her feelings have been hurt. My mother cannot sit unaided, cannot stand, cannot hold a cup. The money it would cost to visit Spain is secondary. How am I supposed to get her there without causing excessive pain? I haven't been on holiday since I became her carer, because she can't be left, but I'm expected to be able to facilitate her travelling to Spain? My aunt is staying 10 minutes away for the entire weekend. She is giving my mum 30 minutes on the way back to the airport.

I'm the bad guy yet again. I don't understand why she can't just accept it isn't a matter of won't go to Spain, it is a case of can't go to Spain. I'm exhausted and I don't have the reserves necessary to deal with this.

OP posts:
friday16 · 13/12/2013 22:35

Just because they're family doesn't mean they aren't cunts. It's a hard lesson, but one that sometimes becomes impossible to avoid.

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