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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to agree that DS shouldn't get his main Christmas Present this year?

54 replies

WaffilyVersatile · 13/12/2013 14:39

DS is 12. He is generally a nice person and I love him very much but this year has been difficult (yeah I know that parenting is not meant to be easy)

First off, he has had a horrendous time with bullying at school which has now led to a stammer. This might be why OH says I am too easy on him.

Over the last year we have caught him lying about going to an afterschool club (he was just going to his mates instead) so I told him he had to leave the club as he couldn't be trusted to be where he was supposed to be. He has been caught telling lies about all manner of silly little things but has also taken money from me, taken mine or dd's things for his own use but then hidden them in his room (I know that this doesn't seem a big deal but its over and over and over again)
.. I caught him going on a family laptop to go on facebook so I deleted the account as he wasn't at the age facebook allows an account for. He made one with his friends email address. After a LONG discussion about trust I relented and allowed him to keep his fb account on the condition I had the password.

I logged into his account one day to find that he had exchanged sexual messages with a girl. The language was pretty shocking tbh and after looking closer at the laptop it transpired he had been googling porn.

Had a heart to heart with him about masturbation being ok, it should be kept private and I wasn't touching his sheets again but it wasn't that that I took issue with. The porn side of things I was cross about, he was FAR too young to be watching videos (!) let alone the photos never mind the other issues surrounding porn and told him that I would not allow him to use the laptop if I thought he was misusing it as his little sister also uses it. He would be allowed to use the net for homework in a public area only.

So we find out a few months ago that he had snuck the laptop up to his room and grounded him. Happened again a few weeks later.. fast forward to yesterday and OH found that he had been doing it again and looking at porn AGAIN. All this the day before DS' had a trip to go to france for the day with school. OH said that he wanted me to confiscate the euros I had given him (50euros which was the max as he would be there from 9am to 6pm and out of the house 5am to 10pm and this money had to cover food and drink during the day as well as anything they wished to buy) but I refused. I could see OH reasoning but couldn't have ds out all day like that with no money. OH then (in anger) told DS that we were planning on finally buying him a tv for his room but that he could forget it.

I was pissed off with OH because I had asked him to make sure that it was passworded or some kind of security was in place to take the choice away from ds. He said he thought he had but it clearly hadn't worked and he hadn't discussed this decision about the tv before blurting it out to ds. I think I do agree that ds shouldn't have the tv but I feel so sad about it. We have been getting on so well lately and ds has wanted a tv for years and it just feels so mean not giving him his present (its reserved for Monday pick up so we haven't actually bought it yet) as that was such a big deal that I really don't have much else to give him. Am I being a sap?

Sorry this is a bit long, trying not to drip feed

OP posts:
SilverApples · 13/12/2013 14:48

He's 12 and unhappy at school. Have you and the school sorted out the bullying, and does he have a number of RL friends?
As the adults, it is your responsibility to manage the internet access in your home, DS and I share a laptop and my access is password-protected.
You are not being a sap, but you and your OH need to get your act together and support your son, consistently.

TeenAndTween · 13/12/2013 14:49

2 thoughts occur to me:

  • you need to sort out separate accounts with parental controls on your laptops
  • if he can't be trusted on a laptop, how can you trust him not to watch unsuitable / late night TV if you let him have one in his bedroom?
Original poster
WaffilyVersatile · 13/12/2013 14:50

if he can't be trusted on a laptop, how can you trust him not to watch unsuitable / late night TV if you let him have one in his bedroom?

Yeah that's OH's argument against letting him have one.

OP posts:
SilverApples · 13/12/2013 14:52

DS has a tv in his room, but it's for DVDs. Spares the rest of us when he's obsessing over a specific series.

PrincessScrumpy · 13/12/2013 14:54

He is a hormonal boy - his behaviour, although something you need to deal with, is fairly standard for a teen.

dh had to give a clear consequence and you didn't give any options. Sometimes there isn't time for a discussion but perhaps now is the time to take him out for a drink (milkshake or something) and talk in a mature way. See how that goes.

Jenny70 · 13/12/2013 14:54

I have a 10 year old who has done a few of these incursions, but he has been extremely sorry and hasn't breached the rules again (yet).

I would confiscate the TV present, he's broken the household rules, breached your trust - a tv in his room means you'll be losing control over what he watches, when etc... save it for next year (or later). He needs to be able to follow the rules of the house before having a tv (and presumably wanting to watch it late at night etc). And it backs up your partner in his parenting as well.

Get him something else for christmas though, does he like books, tickets to something, day out somewhere, magazine subscription....

Original poster
WaffilyVersatile · 13/12/2013 14:54

DS has a tv in his room, but it's for DVDs. Spares the rest of us when he's obsessing over a specific series.

and that's my argument for him having one!

the annoying thing is that my laptop and OH laptop are password protected but this other one (which is old and shit slow) isn't. I didn't do it because OH said he had!

OP posts:
diddl · 13/12/2013 14:56

I wouldn't let him have the telly.

And 50€ for one day?-no way!

I hope that the bullying has been sorted-but looking at porn & sending sex messages?-no way would I trust him.

SilverApples · 13/12/2013 14:57

'First off, he has had a horrendous time with bullying at school which has now led to a stammer.'

Has this been resolved? Is he happy and secure? Does he feel that you are on his side and understand?

Parliamo · 13/12/2013 14:58

I don't think I'd want him to have a tv either, but your DH is a bit out of order telling him in that way. It seems a bit cruel. Could you have a grown up conversation with all three of you to decide what he can have for Christmas?

Also, i agree with the other posters - you definitely need to sort out the Internet access.

SomethingkindaOod · 13/12/2013 14:59

Sorry I don't agree with using Christmas presents in that way. I would let him have it but for use with DVD's only as silverapples and my own DS had for a while (different reasons presumably though!). He can earn back the right to watch normal tv.
Lay down firm rules regarding internet access and sort parental controls out on the computers, tell him you will be doing a weekly internet history check on everything until further notice.
Sympathies to you though, my boy has been 12 for most of this year. It's been exhausting...

enderwoman · 13/12/2013 14:59

If he can't be trusted to use a laptop without supervision how can you trust him to watch TV without supervision? There is plenty of content unsuitable for 12 year olds.

You should blame yourselves for lack of porn filters. You can get around some but to not know what protection is used (if any) is poor. I have a son the same age who is interested in porn but he knows that the Internet rules are similar to school with the exception being gaming and social networking. Your son is lucky to still get laptop use at all.
His behaviour on text is appalling. My son will definitely speak in a horrible way when with friends but will hopefully never leave a digital copy of his bad language.

SilverApples · 13/12/2013 14:59

He's 12, so is he Y7 or Y8?
In his first term at secondary? How is he doing academically?
What you are describing is his unacceptable behaviour, but if you can find the reasons, it will be easier to work out a solution.

Parliamo · 13/12/2013 15:00

Sorry xpost, I see you normally do. Does he have an Internet phone too?

Original poster
WaffilyVersatile · 13/12/2013 15:01

This bullying has been going on for 4 yrs (same kid from primary school followed him to secondary) and the school have really only just admitted that its an issue but ds knows I have always been on his side and I have tried everything I could to get it resolved. As it is the child was suspended a few weeks ago when it became physical so we are hoping this may have ended it. The stammer though is still here. We have been to the GP and he has been referred for help but its a work in progress really.

OP posts:
Original poster
WaffilyVersatile · 13/12/2013 15:03

He is yr 8 (13 in april) and he is doing ok at school academically. He HAD a phone but we had to take it back because he misused it (texting people at 3am after being warned not to - the rule was that it was for use 9am to 9pm)

OP posts:
RubyGoat · 13/12/2013 15:03

How difficult. Lots of issues.

Loss of trust - clearly the use of porn is a problem. However, while you've told your DS that masturbation is ok, quite rightly, it doesn't really sit right with your refusal to touch his sheets again. He is going to feel like it's dirty & shameful (unless he is being very careless/messy - I assume that's your reason? Have you made sure he understands this?) If that is the case, can he start doing his own washing, perhaps his own school kit/underwear/draw up a rota, encourage him to grow up a bit, he'll feel more trusted (hopefully), & it will also be a good way for him to be able to prove to you that he's trustworthy, IYSWIM.

Not sure about the present TBH. The stealing etc is not on. But, it wasn't fair of your DH to basically wave the TV in front of your DS & say ' look what you could have had'. A bit mean IMHO.

I agree with you about the money for the trip - if it's for food as well as everything else, of course he needs it, he has to have food during the day. Although I don't know how far €50 would go, I've not been abroad in ages!

Original poster
WaffilyVersatile · 13/12/2013 15:05

Oh no I didn't make the sheets comment in a disgusted way, it was more sort of humorous really to break the awkwardness of the conversation

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 13/12/2013 15:11

His behaviour sounds like absolutely typical teenage boy behaviour. And you do sound a bit over protective of him.

Spacecraft · 13/12/2013 15:15

I honestly don't think is behaviour sounds that bad but you do need some rules re electronics! It's not surprising he's acting up at home if he's unhappy at school. What are you doing to resolve that?

I don't think your OH should have communicated it the way he did but I do think he's right about the TV,.

Personally I just don't allow TV/computer/phone/Ipod etc in bedrooms, at all, so no I wouldn't give him a TV, unless you have somewhere downstairs it could live. (Ds1 is also 12yo)

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 13/12/2013 15:30

I think he sounds really disrespectful of any attempts you make to discipline him.

I would tell him he can have the TV but if you catch him lying again you will take it away.

And I would follow it through. This lying and sneaking needs nipped in bud.

oscarwilde · 13/12/2013 15:44

I'm slightly lost - he has a tv in his room for DVD's but you were buying him another ?? So he could watch live TV? He can do that on a laptop anyway. I digress.

Actually, I'm going to come over all old school here and say that I agree with your DH. Not the best way to break the news but I don't think he should have anything of the sort in his room. It should be made clear to him that there have been too many breaches of trust and
agreements for him to be trusted. He has a choice which is to receive something else, or for it to be held in trust on a good behaviour bond for eg: 8 weeks.

You are being a Sap but he's had a hard year. If you want to give him a TV for Christmas week on the basis hat the punishment starts in Jan then withdraw it then, that's a way to not punish him unduly over Christmas. It's very simple to take out the cable and remove the remote every evening. You can also switch off the wifi (inconvenient to you though) at 9pm every evening.

There's a thread on here about a 14 yr old with a pregnant girlfriend. The mum in question has had a nasty wake up call that her child is grown up enough to impregnate someone but certainly not old enough to look after another child.
Watching porn isn't going to get anyone pregnant obviously but it is not healthy at that age to have free access to hardcore porn. FGS - wake up. He is still a child and your duty of care is to treat him as one if he behaves like one and not to rely on him to regulate his own behaviour which he demonstrably can't do. You can't blame everything on the bullying.

Sheets - he needs to strip his bed once a week at an agreed time and load them in the machine. He can load his special sock at the same time and any squiffy boxers Grin

SomethingkindaOod · 13/12/2013 15:48

Just as an aside, DS has had his tv taken away twice for rule breaking. The second time was 6 months ago and his behaviour has really taken a turn for the better. That hasn't been his only punishment this year of course but because we stuck to everything we said he has really improved.

The porn thing we approached from the angle that the women in the pics and films aren't enjoying themselves really and many times have been forced to do it, then went through the various reasons. DH explained that the websites themselves were unsafe so we pretty much covered every angle. We're a damn sight more tech savvy than he is so he can't hide anything in the history.

Original poster
WaffilyVersatile · 13/12/2013 15:54

No someone else said they had a tv for their ds for dvds. I said that was basically the reason I wanted my ds to have one. Up until this year I have been completely against him having a tv in his room but he is nearly 13 and constantly telling me about how much he doesn't have compared to his friends (I know, I know!) and I guess he wore me down..

Its not an excuse as such but I must admit that having a year of my DM telling me how much harsher she (and apparently others) think I am on ds compared to dd (who is 7 with a 14+ reading age, a love of school and a general want to do her best at utterly everything) has made me doubt that I was doing the right thing with him. I have just been diagnosed with depression so have not really been on my A game in the last few weeks and months but I am hoping that when my Prozac kicks in I will feel a bit stronger.

OP posts:
noseymcposey · 13/12/2013 15:54

I wouldn't let him have the tv for christmas - not because you are punishing by taking away something he wants but because with the trust and boundary issues you already have a tv in his room would be a nightmare. I think, regardless of how much he wants it, it would be another area of hassle. No real good comes of children having tv's in their rooms in my opinion!

I would say no more about the tv and get him something else for Christmas.