AIBU to agree that DS shouldn't get his main Christmas Present this year?

[WaffilyVersatile]

DS is 12. He is generally a nice person and I love him very much but this year has been difficult (yeah I know that parenting is not meant to be easy)

First off, he has had a horrendous time with bullying at school which has now led to a stammer. This might be why OH says I am too easy on him.

Over the last year we have caught him lying about going to an afterschool club (he was just going to his mates instead) so I told him he had to leave the club as he couldn't be trusted to be where he was supposed to be. He has been caught telling lies about all manner of silly little things but has also taken money from me, taken mine or dd's things for his own use but then hidden them in his room (I know that this doesn't seem a big deal but its over and over and over again)
.. I caught him going on a family laptop to go on facebook so I deleted the account as he wasn't at the age facebook allows an account for. He made one with his friends email address. After a LONG discussion about trust I relented and allowed him to keep his fb account on the condition I had the password.

I logged into his account one day to find that he had exchanged sexual messages with a girl. The language was pretty shocking tbh and after looking closer at the laptop it transpired he had been googling porn.

Had a heart to heart with him about masturbation being ok, it should be kept private and I wasn't touching his sheets again but it wasn't that that I took issue with. The porn side of things I was cross about, he was FAR too young to be watching videos (!) let alone the photos never mind the other issues surrounding porn and told him that I would not allow him to use the laptop if I thought he was misusing it as his little sister also uses it. He would be allowed to use the net for homework in a public area only.

So we find out a few months ago that he had snuck the laptop up to his room and grounded him. Happened again a few weeks later.. fast forward to yesterday and OH found that he had been doing it again and looking at porn AGAIN. All this the day before DS' had a trip to go to france for the day with school. OH said that he wanted me to confiscate the euros I had given him (50euros which was the max as he would be there from 9am to 6pm and out of the house 5am to 10pm and this money had to cover food and drink during the day as well as anything they wished to buy) but I refused. I could see OH reasoning but couldn't have ds out all day like that with no money. OH then (in anger) told DS that we were planning on finally buying him a tv for his room but that he could forget it.

I was pissed off with OH because I had asked him to make sure that it was passworded or some kind of security was in place to take the choice away from ds. He said he thought he had but it clearly hadn't worked and he hadn't discussed this decision about the tv before blurting it out to ds. I think I do agree that ds shouldn't have the tv but I feel so sad about it. We have been getting on so well lately and ds has wanted a tv for years and it just feels so mean not giving him his present (its reserved for Monday pick up so we haven't actually bought it yet) as that was such a big deal that I really don't have much else to give him. Am I being a sap?

Sorry this is a bit long, trying not to drip feed

'No someone else said they had a tv for their ds for dvds. '

That was me, DS has Asperger's and would get hooked on a series. So he had a TV in his room that he could use for a set period of time. No aerial.

I would start with NEW YEAR - NEW RULES
Draw up a list of rules and check every week. Make electrics only within certain hours and confiscate the items at the time set. With the TV take away the aerial lead at the set time and YOU supply the DVD's that are allowed. You can also stipulate which rooms computers/phones etc are to be used in, and if you find one where it should not be remove it for an agreed period of time as per the new rules.
What is happening about the bullying, you need to work on this and make sure your son knows you are working with him on this.
He has a sister, who, according to you is pretty damned perfect. No doubt he is really feeling this and can you find ways to show your son how much he is appreciated.
Teenage hormones are difficult to cope with and Good Luck, but stay firm and fair.

So he's having a crap time at school? I'd say the lying and taking things is a symptom of him feeling absolutely awful about a lot of things. If he's a bit of an obsessive type and the porn makes him feel good, then he's going to try anything to access it.

I'd suggest putting on some decent parental controls for a start and password protecting. You can also set times when the internet can and can't be accessed and also limit the amount of time available. If that doesn't work - take the router to bed with you so it is unplugged.

He sounds like he needs someone to talk to. I think your dh is very harsh.

The phone issue. My son is 13 and got a phone for his birthday. We were letting him charge it over night but then found out he was waking at silly o'clock to play on it so now it is charged in my bedroom. He gives it up at bedtime and gets it back in the morning when he is ready for school. Might be worth trying for your ds?

I think his behavior seems to be due to a combination of normal teen/pre-teen stuff and as a result of the prolonged bullying, developing a stammer? it must have been incredibly stressful for him or that to happen.

I think the way your DH broke it to him was unwise and unduly harsh.

Not giving/taking 'back' a christmas or birthday gift is very harsh.

Kids get weird ideas too. Perhaps he thinks that being the year porn expert will take some of the heat off him?
What would bolster his self confidence/street cred that you could help with on the present front? Head to toe Abercrombie & Fitch, etc

Does he generally get on well with the two of you? Do either of you do anything just with him? Even a cinema visit for a film his sister is too young to see?

I also think that you/your DH are mainly responsible for the porn thing, parental controls should have been put on the laptop, of course ideally he shouldn't have been looking at porn, but at his age he still needs a bit of parental control over things like that.

I agree with the other posters about the importance of strict sanctions, but I also strongly feel you need change his school ASAP. Look at the terrible impact this bullying is having - he can't speak properly, he's in such distress.

You seem to understand the clear link between the bullying and his bad behaviour and speech, so please act on it - bullying is something you carry with you for years, and you need to take every step possible to protect him from it.

I agree your DH was mean in taunting your DS with the present he nearly had. Resentment and bad feeling just builds and a punishment has no effect if it's done in that way.

My 12 yo loses wifi in his room at 9pm (he's not happy about it but that's what we did with his brother and sister). Can't telly be watched on a laptop though? I know DD watches stuff in her room and she has no telly.

Agree re. his school as well; how bad must he have felt about the bullying to have developed a stammer? Plus the lying; is it all about try g to bolster himself up do you think?

Adults in a bullying/unpleasant situation at work have the option of looking elsewhere for a job; children don't have that power but their parents can try and change things for them.

I don't mean to be rude but do you honestly think that in all this time that changing schools would not have occurred to me? there is nowhere else he could attend - the next nearest would be impossible to get to.

We do talk about how things are going, the other boy has been moved to a different tutor group and they are kept way apart during lesson times (at my request/demand) and ds is allowed access to indoor areas with his friends during breaks and lunches and before school. Ds and I are close and although we don't have a specific activity we go for walks and such so we can chat.

His behaviour sounds like absolutely typical teenage boy behaviour.

I wouldn't agree with that, I have to say.

blue stones - as a secondary teacher I agree with the statement of typical boy behaviour.

Not only are their hormones on over drive, but they listen in to the conversations of the older students and their curiosity takes over. At this age, they can't differentiate between 'big talk' and reality and therefore they want to be with the 'in crowd'. For the vast majority, they come out of this episode unscathed other than a bit more worldly wise.

Op - keep going; I know from not only personal experience (2 DS!) but professionally that the teenage boys who have parental support throughout come out the other side as happy young men

Interesting that many of the posters saying that the porn and TV are symptoms, and that the root causes need tackling are those with tricky young men of our own.
OP, it won't be easy to sort out this complex mess, but you and your OH do need to work together on a way forwards.

I agree Maryz, like a form of self-medication.
And he's 12.
Poor, confused little boy

It's your responsibility as parents to make sure the internet is safe in your home. You should lock down inappropriate sites immediately. I can't see how having a Tv in his room would be a good idea even if he was a model pre teen. Dh had one and was constantly tired through his teens waiting up to watch any vaguely dirty movies.

I think its really mean to not give him his xmas present because you cant sort out your parental controls.

Hes only 12 and it sounds like hes having a hell of a time with bullying and self consciousness issues, hence the stammer.

Porns probably giving him some comfort without criticism

Not sure wether your last comment was aimed at me or NaanBread op but I think what you possibly meant to say was: 'thanks for your comment, but we've already considered moving schools and it's not possible etc.'

None taken.

We got lots wrong with our two teenage DC, but the two things I never went back on were no television in the bedroom and mobile phones left outside of their rooms at night.

Now they're in their 20's I have rather less say .

Do you think he might be reacting to the fact that you have a bright and co-operative DD, and he feels 2nd best - just a thought? I'm sure you'll have equal challenges when she becomes a teenager though!

Don't think the TV in the room is a good idea but putting it across to him as a punishment is going to make him resentful and make things worse. He sounds unhappy and while its important to set boundaries he needs more understanding and to know that both his parents are on his side. I would talk to him in an adult way and explain your concerns about the TV. Both the lying and the porn sound like escapism

Hi op.

Sorry to hear that things aren't going to well at the moment. Have you considered speaking to your husband about the possibility of a compromise? A portable DVD player for example?

My dd had one, I wasn't happy for her to have a tv as there is so much inappropriate viewing possible. We bought her a portable DVD player which has the added bonus of being easily confiscated if and when necessary.

I feel really sorry for him-4 years of being bullied, that's a very long time. Your OH sounds very mean in delivering the news like that and I think your son is being unfairly compared to a '7' year old who, being 7 and not being bullied, probably is a lot easier to look after.

Does he get any privacy? I don't think he should be exposed in any way to porn but that's something you both should've been responsible for. However, since when have the teen years been open for all to scrutinise - it must be very embarrassing talking about masturbation with your Mother. That's not to say it's wrong.

OP, there's lots going on with your son that needs addressing - but you know that already.

But Christmas is a time for love, not punishment.

Sometimes, children need to know that they are loved, warts and all. In fact, sometimes we adults need to know it too.

Husband spoke in anger but talk to him too. Punishment isn't always the best way - sometimes it alienates. Sometimes forgiveness and acceptance is the best way forward - especially at Christmas.

I would give him the telly - no string attached because you just love him.

New Year rules - that's a different story. New Year rules would be strict supervision and no messing.

It sounds like you're doing your best don't be too hard on yourself. I think its ok to give the TV but with rules attached, if he uses it for inappropriate things or at inappropriate times you take it and he needs to earn it back somehow. I think though perhaps he would really benefit from some kind of experience, taking him on a day out, to some kind of event, it doesn't have to be expensive. At the end of a difficult year it might be really good to spend time with him with your other DC there.