To start a no nonsense approach to food?

[mollysmum82]

My daughter is 4 and is an extremely fussy eater.

She is allergic to cows' milk and eggs so I continued to breastfeed her till she was 2. I tried spoon feeding alongside when she was 6 months old but she completely refused the spoon. So I went down the baby led weaning route and offered her all the healthy family food dh and I were eating. She was great with pasta, toast, meat fish and some fruit but hated veg, anything tomato based and anything with a sauce which really took out most of our family meals (we eat a lot of stir frys, curries, bologneses) etc.

She didn't really consume much at all until she was taken to hospital for a few nights with something unrelated (breathing problems). The hospital gave her lots of 'kids food' that I'd always tried to avoid buying before (fish fingers, nuggets, sausages, chips). And she ate every single mouthful! It was such a joy to see her eat that I started buying all the foods that she'd tried in hospital. Up until recently I've been moderately happy with her diet. She has:

Cereal with rice milk and banana for breakfast

Alternate ham/smoked mackerel/tuna/hummus with soft bread/toast/pitta/bagel and chopped apple for lunch

Salmon fillets/fish fingers/roast beef/southern fried breaded chicken/chicken breast wrapped in fajita bread/sausages with pasta/rice/cous cous chips and either avocado, pimentos, antipasti mushrooms or mango (all found by massive trial and error - she won't touch normal veg!) followed by a soya pudding

I was happy enough with this diet as at least she's included all the food groups but I would like to cook 'saucy' family meals for us again, particular now I have a 1 year old ds who I do t want limited food choices because of his sister (if he sees her nuggets he doesn't want our lasagne!) And she's started to be fussy even about the limited food she does eat, rejecting ham that has a streak of a darker colour in, wanting sausages peeling etc. she's also started to say no to stuff she loved, like the salmon.

One of the things that's bothering me is my parents look at me in disgust when I give her 'kids food' as we're all real foodies and my brother and I ate happily every healthy meal my mum cooked.

So I just wanted advice really. Do you think there is a problem with what she's eating ? Do you think I need to stop cooking her separate meals? Do I need to develop a no nonsense attitude to food?

It's hard as I don't want her to lose weight, she's had so many health problems already. Thanks so much

As someone who has a stupidly fussy DD, I'd say feed her what she'll eat.
My DD refuses potato in virtually every form, she won't eat gravy or sauces, declines most bread and meat.
She will eat fish, prawns, octopus, squid etc. She loves olives, but rejects cherry or any other sort of tomato.
I've had the looks, but carry on regardless. She is 12. IMVHO, she can't go on refusing major food groups for ever.
AND, to those who will inevitably come along and say she eats what's given to her or goes hungry. she would rather go hungry.

I wouldn't worry about it, her diet is healthy, you're doing great, when she has more understanding when she's older she could branch out. You could try doing family meals 1 or 2 times a week but feed kids' food the rest of the time. Ignore the looks, they're being unkind and judgmental.

I had to look back and see how old she was, expecting her to be 7-10. But she's 4!

I try and do a mixture of what she'll eat, plus plenty of opportunities to try new things. Never forced, if she doesn't want to eat it she doesn't have to.

I wouldn't peel sausages, I'd just say if you don't want them just leave them on your plate but I can understand the concern after health issues. With the one year old, I'd give him both meals and leave him to it. If he sees you eating the lasagne he'll probably want to try it eventually, and maybe seeing him trying new things will encourage your DD?

Wish I could be more help.

What I would do is continue to offer the same things for lunch and ensure she has a decent amount to eat then. Twice a week I would cook a disliked food, put it in front of her without comment and take it away again when everyone is finished. If she eats nothing but complains of being hungry offer the dinner again, if she refuses that then a very plain alternative like bread. No bribing or bargaining or fighting. Every other day just serve something she'll eat.

I don't think there is much of a problem with what she is eating, although obviously it would be better if you could persuade her to have a more varied diet. I would not be happy with cooking separate meals , but again, if you don't mind doing it it isn't a problem. I see your point about her younger brother though, he is likely to copy what he sees.

If I were you I think I would gradually try to vary her meals. I think a sudden change would be likely to just upset her, and make it into a massive fight. I would start by introducing one new food each meal, alongside what she will already eat. You could maybe give her a small portion of what you are having to try to begin with, alongside what you know she likes, and work up from there. I wouldn't make a big deal over whether she eats it or not though. I would go for the no nonsense attitude, in so far as she doesn't get to be more and more fussy, so if she won't eat anything she has previously liked then tough, she can wait to the next meal

I was a ridiculously fussy child, at one point I was even threatened with hospitalization at the age of 7 because I was so underweight. I was a lot worse than your DD, BUT when I got to being a teenager I started trying more things on my own and now eat a lot more. I still don't like veg, but I will at least try different food.

I would say though that I can remember each occasion that my mother sat me down and tried to force me to try certain foods. It's not nice to think of, and I am kind of in the same boat with my DS now. He is a very fussy eater, so I will give him one "nice" meal a day, and one new meal. If he doesn't eat any meal I don't make a fuss, simply take the plate away and he will have no other option for food until the next meal time. It does seem to be working, although very slowly.

I have 2 children with significant health problems.

One currently has a gastrostomy for supplemental feeding, the other used to.

My DD (8) has only been eating orally for less than a year (in addition to her tube feeds) but gradually she is eating more and more of "our" food.

My DS (15) didn't start eating "saucy" foods until he was 10. For him, it was a texture issue, when he was able to articulate it, he explained that he had difficulty swallowing the mixed textures - he had to practice.

In both cases, though - they eat what the family eats now. It takes a lot of time and patience, but if it becomes a huge power struggle, then eating becomes very negative. We focus on the social aspect of family meals, and the food is secondary.

You might ask your GP for a referral to a dietician if you are concerned about her intake.

I have a similar approach to CailinDana in that I cook lots of things they like but every week try to add in something different which they either haven't tried before or that they 'say' they don't like.

There's no pressure to eat anything - if you don't like something you don't have to eat, although i do insist that they have to have a forkful of new recipes before deciding they don't like it. You don't get to choose something different if you don't like it and you don't get to fill up on fruit or desert instead.

I used to get quite het up over meals but now I have calmed right down, they are actually more willing to try things. I realised that a lot of it was about control - them wanting to control their environment. I now try to ask them what they'd like to eat during the week so we all get a bit of a say in it.

I'd say - ignore any funny looks and carry on doing what you are doing.

Your parents need to get over themselves. If your daughter is eating a balanced diet which fits within her health issues then that is the main thing.
The potential convenience of having her eating 'proper food' like the rest of the family will always be offset by her dairy/egg limitations.
I read somewhere that it takes 17 experiences of a food before it ceases to be a novelty. That's 17 tries before she will not look with suspicion at a new food.

I'm not sure what you mean by a no nonsense approach, but maybe a less anxious approach is in order. You've had to work out her allergies, been concerned abut her health, been monitoring her weight. She's picked up on this, probably, and is more anxious about food than necessary. Maybe some games involving food to make it all less of an ordeal?

My 3 yr old DD is very limited in what she'll eat. If she ate half of what you listed in the OP then I would be ecstatic. She won't even touch the 'kid' foods like beans, chips, burgers etc. She ate everything as a baby so I did not see this coming.

Our friends with teenagers who eat well have assured us that this is a phase and their children were the same at 3/4 yrs old.

I have gone through all the stages of being strict/not strict/adventurous etc and have now decided to step back. She eats fruit. She eats ham sandwiches. She sometimes has fish fingers, woo hoo! Strangely she likes porridge.

I just praise her if she tries something however small the try (I encourage her to smell/kiss/lick/mousey nibble - think I saw that on 'House of Tiny Tearaways'). We always let her have a try of our food if she asks. We always offer different things. Basically, by stepping back we have reduced our stress. We give her a multi vitamin daily, this she likes!

You must feed your child as you see fit, nobody else's concern particular as she has health problems.

You are not being unreasonable if you would tell your parents to keep their cherries out and support you.

However, YABALBU to use the term 'foodies'... just because it makes me shudder in its pretentiousness...

I actually think what she is eating is better than a lot if not most kids her age are eating. Her diet sounds pretty healthy and varied. The most important thing right now is that she's eating something decent, not what other people think. Her palate will develop with age.
I would continue to feed her these foods that she's happy with and make meals for the rest of the family that you all enjoy. Eventually she will get used to the smell and look of other things that you all are eating and will slowly start to taste them.
She's only 4, not 14, so I really wouldn't worry. If you are concerned about the lack of nutrition in 'kids foods' would you maybe make your own chicken nuggets by breading sliced chicken breast and baking in the oven?

Ds has recently reduced his diet even more (which I didn't think was possible). In the last couple of weeks the majority of his diet has been toast, Nutella, ham and cheese.

I'm at my wits end with it now and he has gone to bed hungry the last two nights because he won't eat his dinner (spaghetti bolognese and sausage and chips - both of which he used to eat so I know he likes them!).

He will probably refuse to eat again tonight. I despair at him ever trying anything new.

I'm with Kreecher. My 11yo DS is very very fussy, again,no potato (unless waffle, chip or croquet - has been known to vomit at the sight of mash) and he would also rather go hungry than eat something he doesn't like.

I give him what I know he will eat. He will grow out of it at some stage and I am not wasting my time making food that I may as well chuck straight in the bin.

My children are now 13 and 11 and eat most things that are put in front of them. Ds was like your dd with allergies and didn't like tomato based things. But now he eats most things. He still doesn't like cheese or fish. Dd doesn't like boiled potatoes.

But my HV told me to feed them what they liked but add something in like a piece of brocoli and keep trying it but never force it.

It's hard when you slave over a meal and they turn their nose up at it, but make it into a battle, I think thats what can put them right off eating new things.

My DS is incredibly fussy as well. When he was five I got him referred to a nutritionist as I was so concerned .I had to keep a food diary of everything he ate, detailing how much, for a month. When the nutritionist analysed the information I gave her, it was found that although his diet was limited, it was perfectly adequate nutritionally.

She only had one piece of advice for me and that was to let him eat more chocolate!

DS is 12 now and his diet is a bit more varied than it used to be, but I don't stress about it and I think having a relaxed attitude does pay off in the end.

I tell ds (4) that eating vegetables will make him let off wind. He loves that idea so eats what's on offer

I'm sure your dd will grow out of it. Is she on a nutritional supplement? That would help fill the void in her diet in the meantime.

I had two like that. Meals became a battle and I wasn't winning. Bit by bit I gave in and fed them "kiddy food" as you call it. Apart from a traditional Sunday roast meal with us I cooked for them separately. They got to about 7 and 9 and I felt a failure.
Then we noticed they were often interested in the more exotic meals DH and I were eating. They were allowed to try things in very small quantities.
What really changed things was when I decided to stop cooking twice every evening. They ate with us. I compromised on menu but not on flavour. If I did curry I blended in the onions but still spiced it. Sauce based dishes the same.
Now 15 and 17 they eat a wider range than many of their friends while remaining annoyingly faddy about some things.

OP I would carry on for now. It's not too late to change eating habits when she is older.

DS2 is incredibly fussy, he ate everything until about 2 years old then gradually started refusing all his previous foods, he would sit at table and gag if I tried to get him to eat. He is now 9 and his diet consists mainly of plain pasta, no sauce of any description tolerated, bread and cereals with milk. He does eat a reasonable amount of fruit and veg although very limited types. He won't accept any form of meat/chicken/fish except very occasional fish finger. Sometimes a small amount of grated cheese. School must think I'm mad as his packed lunch has dry rolls or bagels (no butter) or oatcakes! I have no idea what he is using to grow. I stress loads about his diet but haven't found any way of expanding it. From my perspective I think your DC eats very well.
You say you would like to do more family meals. Would it work to make a pasta based meal and just leave off the sauce for your DC so she is mainly eating what you eat with minor adjustments. We do this a lot to save me cooking two meals, I put a side plate down with some normal saucy pasta too, which generally gets ignored, but at least I'm trying. I also am strict about treats, he only gets if finishes his main course, rationale being if he has room for a treat he can't be too full for his main!

Would getting her interested in cooking help? My daughter can be fussy but if she helps plan and cook the meal then she's less fussy.

I was going to suggest something similar - could you take her shopping and get her to help choose things that she thinks she might like? That way you are encouraging her to try things that she already has a positive feeling about, so less daunting. The other option is to get her on side with 'helping' her little brother - so could she lick or pretend to eat something to show her brother how it's done, and be 'in charge' of encouraging him to eat things so that she is distracted by her job and might be a bit more adventurous without realising.

My dd was exactly like this except at babyled weaning she ate everything except fish and cucumber.

The second she was 2 i was met with "i no like it" and its been the same for three years. Shes just hit 5 and only now that she can articulate her issues better that we're getting somewhere. She doesnt eat half the stuff on your list by the way so your doing really well. Mine eats no veg whatsoever, the only fruit she eats is apples, strawberries and at a push will eat a banana. She does eat fruit pouches/pots which i put in her lunchbox as unpeeled fruit would be rejected.

Previously my stepmother exploded at her when she was here at my house but saw my dd pick up spaghetti and run her fingers down it to wipe it clean of bolognese. My dd burst into tears n left the room and i could have wept because it was a triumph to even get her to eat the spaghetti in the first place.

Mine has an issue with texture of meat, she likes ham and sausages(she peels them too) but finds meat goes dry in her mouth. Ive gradually got her eating spaghetti bolognese, chilli and rice(mild), korma and jambalaya.

Ive introduced new foods alongside her usual things without fuss but what i have found is that the foods i presumed she wouldnt like and avoided such as chilli are the ones she ate more readily. I never make an issue i just take the playe away, she gets yoghurt or fruit after but if shes tried something new she can have a choc mousse/cake/jelly etc.

My dd was awful for years. Would vomit at seeing someone eating a banana or egg. Refused all fruit for years and at one point lived on dry toast chips and nuggets and smoked mackerel for about 6 months.

At almost 8 she's so much better eats most veg (but not a lot of fruit) and eats most family meals. She doesn't like anything milky mixed up eggy bananery or soggy. So likes chicken breast meat but not leg meat. I still find it odd to this day that she's not like me food wise.

This article and the BTL comments in the Guardian provide some good suggestions for dealing with fussy eaters.

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/wordofmouth/2013/dec/10/child-fussy-eater-what-not-to-say-dinner-table

From someone who used to be alot fussier than your dd (i ate nothing for meals except cold wafer thin ham and oven chips) i would say carry on giving her what she wants but try, if you can, not to allow her to eliminate much more.

i remember trying to force down food that i didn't like but my parents or school teachers wanted me to eat, i gagged and cried and it put me off trying anything new until i was in my early teens.

try, if you can to give her something new on her plate alongside her normal food, reward her if she tries it- even if she doesn't like it and spits it out.

i am sure as she gets older she will be more adventurous, there are very few things i wouldn't eat now and nothing i wont try once.