To start a no nonsense approach to food?

[mollysmum82]

My daughter is 4 and is an extremely fussy eater.

She is allergic to cows' milk and eggs so I continued to breastfeed her till she was 2. I tried spoon feeding alongside when she was 6 months old but she completely refused the spoon. So I went down the baby led weaning route and offered her all the healthy family food dh and I were eating. She was great with pasta, toast, meat fish and some fruit but hated veg, anything tomato based and anything with a sauce which really took out most of our family meals (we eat a lot of stir frys, curries, bologneses) etc.

She didn't really consume much at all until she was taken to hospital for a few nights with something unrelated (breathing problems). The hospital gave her lots of 'kids food' that I'd always tried to avoid buying before (fish fingers, nuggets, sausages, chips). And she ate every single mouthful! It was such a joy to see her eat that I started buying all the foods that she'd tried in hospital. Up until recently I've been moderately happy with her diet. She has:

Cereal with rice milk and banana for breakfast

Alternate ham/smoked mackerel/tuna/hummus with soft bread/toast/pitta/bagel and chopped apple for lunch

Salmon fillets/fish fingers/roast beef/southern fried breaded chicken/chicken breast wrapped in fajita bread/sausages with pasta/rice/cous cous chips and either avocado, pimentos, antipasti mushrooms or mango (all found by massive trial and error - she won't touch normal veg!) followed by a soya pudding

I was happy enough with this diet as at least she's included all the food groups but I would like to cook 'saucy' family meals for us again, particular now I have a 1 year old ds who I do t want limited food choices because of his sister (if he sees her nuggets he doesn't want our lasagne!) And she's started to be fussy even about the limited food she does eat, rejecting ham that has a streak of a darker colour in, wanting sausages peeling etc. she's also started to say no to stuff she loved, like the salmon.

One of the things that's bothering me is my parents look at me in disgust when I give her 'kids food' as we're all real foodies and my brother and I ate happily every healthy meal my mum cooked.

So I just wanted advice really. Do you think there is a problem with what she's eating ? Do you think I need to stop cooking her separate meals? Do I need to develop a no nonsense attitude to food?

It's hard as I don't want her to lose weight, she's had so many health problems already. Thanks so much

Good luck.

And when you catch the flying pig that causes DCs to eat what we want.

Please send it here

Your daughter's diet sounds fine and you sound like you are doing a great job.

In that context what is the relevance of 'the looks'. Is it more important that your daughter is taught that you are generally relaxed and happy about what she eats so long as she is eating enough of the right balance of foods to be healthy? Or does she need to try things so other people do not judge? My view is that other people's judgments don't count much if you know your daughter is healthy, and you feel confident. Also I suspect people forget their own childrens behaviour when they judge the next generation. My in-laws are constantly shocked at how our three year old behaves at mealtimes. But my DH remembers being made to sit at the table to finish food that he would not eat, whilst screaming and crying, until he eventually ate it and promptly vomited it back up. I'm not sure our 'chill the fuck out' approach is obviously worse!

So comparisons between the generations can be dodgy. And comparisons between children can be dodgy too. My DD will try anything. But she very rarely eats much at dinner times, and has her own range of exasperating and bonkers foibles about how to eat (things can't touch, she must serve herself, usual stuff). I figure mealtimes are educational and we're showing her how we behave at mealtimes by sitting and sharing a meal. If she doesn't get it now she will in time.

And I am not daft enough to tell myself that her willingness to try is down to us. She hasn't had the health problems your DD has had so food has never been worrying to her. She has never needed to restrict food to feel safe.

Let your DD rebuild her confidence in her own time. Don't go down the peeling sausages route obviously! She doesn't have to eat a sausage or she can leave it on her plate. But let her eat what feels safe, and positively reinforce increasing the range of foods she eats as she gets older. The fussiest eater I ever met (only John West brand tuna - and yes in a blind test she knew) at 5 will eat everything at 15.

I haven't had a fussy eater but my DS was allergic to dairy until he was 10, and eggs when he was very small, and I think the allergy alone makes food really difficult as you are so limited already. I was always so relieved he wasn't fussy - it must be incredibly hard to have the combination of an allergy and a fussy eater, so don't beat yourself up about it. We used to have tomato-based meals almost every night because of the allergy, I have no idea how I would have managed if he didn't like tomatoes.

I wonder too if for an allergic child food is quite a fraught issue - I'm convinced they have a different relationship to it from other children because they are aware that it can make them ill.

Also, both my kids like their food, but they both went through a fussier stage around 4 or 5 where they suddenly took against things they had previously liked and came up with all sorts of funny rules and things. So that bit sounds like it may just be a phase lots of kids go through.

I think your DD's diet doesn't sound that bad, and maybe it's worth having a conversation with your parents about the stresses you are under with it. They need to understand that it is very different to their own experience of bringing up children, as you unfortunately do have a fussy eater but also the allergy to contend with. If she wasn't allergic, she might seem much less fussy as you might have been able to find a whole load of other things that she would enjoy but which have dairy or egg in them.

What's she like with very plain meals eg just a piece of steak with plain pasta (maybe with olive oil?) and the veg she does like?

One thing you could try is to get her involved in the food decisions and preparation - she might feel more investment in it if she's been part of the process.

Would it be worth trying healthier, home-made versions of things like nuggets and fish fingers, and maybe making them with her?

Good luck with it!! and the allergy board on Mumsnet is extremely supportive with lots of people who may have good ideas for children with those allergies.

Oh goodness, what lovely helpful replies, I'm so touched. Thank you so much, I'm feeling so much better now :)

DS is 17 and I've only just managed to get him to eat things like spag bol. He'll eat it in its 'nude' state, but not with a sauce. Unless it's ketchup. He certainly wont eat anything else with a sauce. I just shove his on another plate. You soon learn to stop pandering to fussy eaters when they get to a certain age

It's not done DS any harm, 6'4" and still growing. Still fussy though. Had his first egg this week! fussy git

OP just a thought, has your dc got big tonsils? I am sure my dd is so fussy because she has humongous tonsils and thats why she gags on some food.

My DS is 15 now and has a restricted diet due to SN. People have been horribly judgemental. Sorry I can't offer more help but just sympathy. I do think a relaxed attitude is more beneficial than turning it into an even bigger issue than it already is. Older people say that's lax parenting and letting the child rule the roost it I would tend to disagree unless you are actively encouraging a diet of cadbury's creme eggs or something.