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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel a bit offended by this

29 replies

TwoTeaTessie · 13/12/2013 05:13

Before I start I would like to make clear that I get on with my MIL and on the whole I have a good relationship with DH family.

But this has happened a couple of times now and is starting to upset me.

I spend a long time thinking about and choosing gifts before I give them, I like to get it right and spend money on things that I think people will use and like.

A couple of years ago MIL asked for a shawl/wrap for her to wear while she was on playground duty and so I made her one, from really nice (expensive) wool and she said she loved it and did use it ( I know she at the least used it) but yesterday while we were visiting she offered it back to me as she has retired and doesn't use it any more.

Now this isn't the first time that gifts given to her have made there way back to us (or tried to). Is it just me or isn't this just rude? If she doesn't like what we buy her or doesn't have a use for it anymore shouldn't she just give it away without telling us?

OP posts:

CrystalDeCanter · 13/12/2013 05:20

Yep, it's rude.

Dunno what you can do about it though. Get DH to have a quiet word perhaps.

GertBySea · 13/12/2013 05:21

I have an elderly relative who does stuff like this. I find it a bit rude too, but I genuinely think they just don't like waste and think they are being practical!

Original poster

TwoTeaTessie · 13/12/2013 05:23

I don't like waste but there are other ways of repurposing. DH has enough on his plate without dealing with this might just leave it for now. Maybe have a quiet word when if it happens again

OP posts:

Parentingfailure · 13/12/2013 05:24

My grandma does this all the time!
I don't think they mean to be rude but it is.

sashh · 13/12/2013 05:33

It's rude. And my mum does it.

Original poster

TwoTeaTessie · 13/12/2013 05:51

Your mum! Don't you just tell her? That would piss me off beyond belief if my mum did that to me!

OP posts:

Onesleeptillwembley · 13/12/2013 05:58

I think she's sad to see such a nice thing not being used. It can be rude, yes, but sometimes older people have a different outlook on waste than us.

BohemianGirl · 13/12/2013 06:11

Rude? Really? Oddly in my culture it is normal for people in their twighlight years to offer back important gifts to the giver. It's as though they are returning meaningful things before they pass away. It stops the petty arguements.

Your MIL values your shawl because you put time, effort and love into it - therefore she i offering it back - where as you want her to give it away willy nilly without telling you.

Original poster

TwoTeaTessie · 13/12/2013 06:14

Twilight is a bit strong, she's not 60 yet! I can see where you are coming from but I've never come across this before.

Gifts I've given have stayed given.

OP posts:

paxtecum · 13/12/2013 06:25

I don't think it's rude.

She doesn't want it sitting in her drawer never being being worn.

She's offered it you, thinking you may wear it.
Far, far better then giving a charity shop.

If she was your DM would it be a problem?

BeckAndCall · 13/12/2013 06:46

It happens in our family all the time - but myMIL is much older. She used to offer gifts to someone other than the giver - ie "I don't need this but I know someone who might like it'. But now she can't remember who things came from so we can get something back next visit and be told it came from my SIL ( even though I bought it).

If doesn't offend me at all - she doesn't want it ( she can't stand having too much stuff around) and thinks I might like it....

Wombat79 · 13/12/2013 07:33

I had similar last week when our wedding thank you card was returned from 2 years ago!!! The great aunt on 2 occasions in her letter said she hoped we wouldn't be offended but she was having a clear out.
I'd have been less offended if she'd thrown it away and said nothing. It was just a bit of card.

SatinSandals · 13/12/2013 07:41

I can't see the problem, she wanted it for a specific purpose and she no longer needs it now that she doesn't stand around in playgrounds- much better to offer it to someone who might use it.
My MIL gave me lots of gifts back,but she is very elderly and doesn't want much. They were things that I liked so I use them. I realise that some people might see it as rude, in fact it gave me a chuckle at the time, but I accept that is just the way she is and is practical rather than rude.

fluffyraggies · 13/12/2013 07:43

wombat that is odd!

My mum does this too. She'll usually wait a couple of years and try to give stuff back. Very often it's the most carefully thought out presents too! It's depressing.

The last few years we've just gone with smellies and gloves or whatever for xmas and birthdays for her. She seems just as happy and we don't get them handed back. (except for some shower gel she said she couldn;t get on with)

quirrelquarrel · 13/12/2013 07:49

Not what Miss Manners would do exactly.....but I wouldn't waste energy being offended by this. She's not doing it to hurt you is she.

It probably seems entirely normal to her and if that is the case, to be honest, I'd much rather we all had this relaxed attitude to regifting/possession etc.

I just think it's a bit of a non issue.....you obviously see it differently, so no point being offended.

ConfusedPixie · 13/12/2013 07:49

I can see why you think it rude but I can also understand wanting to give a gift like that back to the maker of it as handmade items are not something all would appreciate being regifted.

WestieMamma · 13/12/2013 07:53

If it's bought stuff then I think it's a bit rude to give it back, but I don't think it's the same if it's something which has taken a lot of time to make. I've crocheted a few blankets and shawls for family members over the years and I'd rather they gave them back to me when they've had enough than gave them away/threw them out.

NearTheWindmill · 13/12/2013 08:04

It would say to me "hey I liked this and think it's good, I don't use it any more but it's so great how about you having it". My interpretation would be that if something was not liked then it would be given away straight away to a third party.

Original poster

TwoTeaTessie · 13/12/2013 10:20

I'm not offended enough to do anything about it, as you say she's not doing it to hurt me.

I don't think my mum would ever hand a gift back, pass it on yes but not back, but if she did I think I would have just as much of an issue of it and because she's my mum I would say something.

I really wouldn't mind if she passed it on, charity shopped it or whatever with it, she could even tell me that was what she was doing and I wouldn't mind, but giving it back just doesn't seem right to me.

But clearly everyone has different expectations about this

OP posts:

FunnyFestiveTableRunner · 13/12/2013 10:26

I think she understood the effort you had made and didn't want it to go to waste if she wasn't using it. I would just hold on to it and be glad she valued the work you put into it. She might be glad of it again in the future.

mumofweeboys · 13/12/2013 10:27

I think it's better for her to offer it to you first before she passes it on to someone else. I would be more offended if I saw another family member of friend wearing it.

Delurkedforthis · 13/12/2013 10:27

Meh....Sometimes I buy gifts for my family in the very hope that they will find their way back to me eventually

ZillionChocolate · 13/12/2013 10:35

I think it was better for her to do that than give it to the charity shop. You could have said you had no need for it but were happy for her to pass it on. I think she was trying not to offend you!

GrendelsMum · 13/12/2013 10:37

My late gran used to do this - any particularly nice present (handbag, necklace, etc), she would say 'I'll enjoy this now, and then you'll have it for yourself, won't you?'

I think she thought it was getting double use out of something high quality

Grumbliest · 13/12/2013 10:38

It is rude..I would be hurt. She could keep it in a drawer and use it as and when needed.it was a handmade gift, I think for people like this, disposable gifts like biscuits and sweets are best as clearly she is a bit utilitarian(only keeps things which are needed) not a sentimentalist(if that's a word)

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