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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my MIL to stop sending boxes of charity shop 'finds'

47 replies

Wealden · 12/12/2013 10:40

This is a genuine AIBU and I have no issues with my MIL, just to be clear :)

She has plenty of money - she could be considered very wealthy in fact.

Her 'hobby' is to trawl boot fairs and charity shops.

My children get a large cardboard box roughly once a month full of stuffed toys, jigsaws, clothes and other random stuff. Their attitude to gifts I think is very much skewed by it - there is so much 'stuff' in their lives that they do not really distinguish between a special day and a random Wednesday - it is a tide of toys that never ends. I've never said anything about it, despite hating how much stuff we have to put into landfill when it turns out a puzzle piece is missing or monthly enforced visits to charity shops to stop our 3 bed semi bursting at the seams.

Yesterdays was different - my 8 year old was Hmm about it and wanted to know why Nana always sends dirty things. Surely I can say something now that the children don't even like it? I genuinely know that she will not understand - she cannot even grasp that I don't have time to pick up the parcels from the post office for a few days sometimes and gets hurt if they don't phone to say thank you the day after postage.

There is a massive difference in the way we see things - I try to buy very little but when I do I invest in something. She likes to shop and is always changing her furniture etc, ebaying things that are a year old.In addition she sees quantity as a joy, whereas I try and buy the kids something really decent, she will buy 10-15 presents for birthdays and Christmas, all of them cheap and will not last - the one time I tried to explain this she said 'oh they just love opening presents, they're not meant to last!! let them play with them for a bit and then throw them away - they're only children for a bit'.

She grew up very poor and talks about having to worry about shoes with holes in etc so for her buying things is her fun, but work full time and it is a burden to deal with all the 'stuff'. I feel like I cannot say anything without telling her she has been annoying for years - which she has. I love her dearly and don't want to hurt her feelings.

Can I say anything?

OP posts:
MissMilbanke · 12/12/2013 10:45

Suggests she keep it at her house for when you come and visit ?

StanleyLambchop · 12/12/2013 10:52

I think this is one of those occasions where delegating to her son might be in order (but I am a coward!)

LoonvanBoon · 12/12/2013 10:52

YANBU, but from the sounds of it you may not get very far if you ask your MIL to change what she's doing. I think you'd be better off stating your position, clearly & simply - without loads of different explanations - & then you'll need to be very determined to keep reinforcing it.

For example, you could say: "Thanks for the presents you sent. It's very kind of you, but I'm afraid we're not going to be able to accept any more boxes of things. We just don't have space". Then you'll need to be ready to restate this as often as necessary - "I'm sorry, MIL, but we told you we don't have space to keep accepting all these things". Don't muddy the waters with multiple explanations, don't enter into pointless discussion. It's your house & if you don't want to drown under clutter foisted on you by someone else, you don't have to. Don't pick up the parcels if you don't want to.

I can see this might be hard, especially if you have a good relationship with your MIL and your prime motivation is not to hurt her feelings. If it is, this may not apply. You may need to accept the stuff & then get rid of it again. But if you've really had enough, she can't make you accept all this junk!

Disclaimer: everything I say is from the angle of someone whose MIL refuses to listen to polite explanation & pursues her own wants to the complete exclusion of respect for other people! Accepting that she won't change but being absolutely clear about my own position is the only thing that works for me.

Goldenhandshake · 12/12/2013 10:52

I have a similar issue with my Mum, each tiem she visits or DD returns from her house she has some new piece of tat, and I do mean tat, that one of the women my mum cleans for has palmed off on her.

My mum is low earner, and I think she feels bad she cannot afford to 'treat' DD to things, although I have told her time and again she doesn't need to buy stuff, DD appreciates the time with her so much more and DH and I are not badly off at all, DD wants for nothing.

In the past she has come home with bobbly second hand nighties, a backpack with felt tip scrawl all over it etc, it is not even decent second hand stuff and it irritates me.

To avoid offending my mum though we smile graciously and get rid soon after, this is now changing to 'you will have to keep it at your house' as we are expecting DC2 and do not have the space for all the extra junk.

CMOTDibbler · 12/12/2013 10:54

Accept it with love. My dad loves car boots and buys stacks of stuff for ds and my brothers son. DS(7) adores this, and goes on about grampy having an eye for a bargain - though he knows sometimes grampy buys stuff we don't love so much but we take it all with thanks.

My brother picks through it, won't take stuff, calls it rubbish - and breaks my dads heart.

Original poster
Wealden · 12/12/2013 10:54

thank you Missmilbanke. I guess I could. I think the main problem is that she thinks its fine to just dispose of stuff whereas I find even getting rid of the cardboard box in all arrives in a problem!

OP posts:
Original poster
Wealden · 12/12/2013 10:57

This is very much what I am worried about CMOTDibbler - I think saying anything at all will upset her terribly Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
Wealden · 12/12/2013 10:58

Goldenhandshake - this is precisely it - we have, I kid you not, had second hand pants in the past. There are always at least 3 fluffy smelly cuddly toys. Confused

OP posts:
purplebaubles · 12/12/2013 11:00

Tell her your house is full, anything she buys from now on please can she keep at her house?

Eastwickwitch · 12/12/2013 11:07

i could've written this post a couple of years ago.
My MIL kept turning up with 'stuff'. DH wouldn't say anything.
In the end I just said that I was trying to declutter a bit & that I didn't have any room left.
She stopped. but still buys DH horrible shirts in the Charity Shop that he wears in the garden

Original poster
Wealden · 12/12/2013 11:13

My kids don't even play with 'toys' - does anyone's child really sit down with the plastic stuff and 'play' after the first day? I do wonder if mine would have done if there wasn't so much stuff that they couldn't see any of it and would rather colour in. Too many things to do means that they don't do any of them in my house.

OP posts:
GhostsInSnow · 12/12/2013 11:19

I'd accept them with grace then take them down to a charity shop of your choosing and gift them back. I guess she means well.

PeterParkerSays · 12/12/2013 11:22

Could you just seal the box when she's left and take it to a charity shop when you're next in town?

FrauMoose · 12/12/2013 11:28

It's not going to hurt you to put clothes in the washing machine, if they arrive a bit grubby is it? And at our house we have plenty of (loved) jigsaws that have a piece missing.

It is likely that our children are going to grow up in a society that is less affluent than the one we grew up. Maybe we can teach them that making use of recycled stuff, rather than buying new, each time is a useful lifeskill.

And that love does not equate to, 'How many hundreds of pounds did this cost?

I do see that the sheer quantity might be a bit of a problem. But perhaps a conversation along the lines of, 'We'll keep some of this, but if you want to carry on giving us so much, we'll end up donatin some of it so that a charity can benefit?' would clear the air.

storynanny · 12/12/2013 11:31

I can see both sides as a mum and mother in law. As a mum I think if I had a good relationship with my mum in law I wouldnt rock the boat, just smile and get rid of it. But as a mother in law I think I would rather know that its cluttering up and a bit of a nuisance. So not much help really.
At least it is a good preparation for when you are a MIL, I always ask if they want anything before I buy it!

storynanny · 12/12/2013 11:33

In fact I think this site is useful reading for MILs who forget what it is like to have a young family!

VenusDeWillendorf · 12/12/2013 11:38

Don't collect any more parcels, have them return to sender.
Tell her again and again, you don't have space.

Ask her for a new house if she wants to buy you something, if she's as loaded as you say!!

MrsUptight · 12/12/2013 11:39

OP my sister sends three of four binbags full of holey, stained and worn out clothes for my DC "to play in" Hmm

I throw them out. My Mum keeps bringing them so as not to "offend" my sis who I suspect is using Mum and me as her own bin service.

I told Mum next time, I'm putting them in her boot.

DIYapprentice · 12/12/2013 11:39

If you aren't able to talk to her about it without hurting her, then join up with Freecycle. Seriously, open the box take maybe one or two items out if you think you'll like it, and then advertise the rest on freecycle, and leave the box outside to be collected by whoever answers your ad.

You don't need to worry about the box, the toys, anything. No taking time out for a trip to either the charity shop or the dump to get rid of them - just hand them on.

Every now and then you might find something that is really good and want to keep it, you never know.

You might as well trawl through the house and get rid of most of the other stuff this way, too.

Tapiocapearl · 12/12/2013 12:16

. Next time thank her for the box but say you have had a big sort out recently and don't mind odd gifts but could she stop the monthly box as you have nowhere to put things.

Or tell her the children have all the stuff they need now thank you. To save you running around finding things, it would be really great if she could put money into the kids accounts instead. That way they can save up for something big and meaningful like a car or driving lessons.

Tapiocapearl · 12/12/2013 12:18

I think second hand stuff is great by the way (economic and environmental) however I hate clutter

Tapiocapearl · 12/12/2013 12:19

Give the box to your husband each time to get rid of. Tell him you have taken things out you want to keep and the rest is for him to dispose of.

Tapiocapearl · 12/12/2013 12:20

Put box in boot if your hubby's car

starofbethlehemfishmummy · 12/12/2013 12:31

My mil was the same - except it wasn't from charity shops but new things bought in obscure clearance sales. The clothes often ended up in a bag of rags for the charity shop (I would tell them they were for rags) because all mil saw were the reduced stickers and not that whatever it was had huge holes in it. Or was girls clothing (I have a boy) or that size 3-6 was months not years. I would gently suggest that she took stuff back for refunds but it had been bought on trips to the other end of the country or abroad or from shops that are no longer in existence.

pigletmania · 12/12/2013 14:37

Tell her straight, that you do not have the room ad unfortunately your dp kids don't play with toys anymore! Wat are you going to do nice they are teens ad she is still buying boxes of toys as some do!

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