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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask my MIL to stop sending boxes of charity shop 'finds'

47 replies

Wealden · 12/12/2013 10:40

This is a genuine AIBU and I have no issues with my MIL, just to be clear :)

She has plenty of money - she could be considered very wealthy in fact.

Her 'hobby' is to trawl boot fairs and charity shops.

My children get a large cardboard box roughly once a month full of stuffed toys, jigsaws, clothes and other random stuff. Their attitude to gifts I think is very much skewed by it - there is so much 'stuff' in their lives that they do not really distinguish between a special day and a random Wednesday - it is a tide of toys that never ends. I've never said anything about it, despite hating how much stuff we have to put into landfill when it turns out a puzzle piece is missing or monthly enforced visits to charity shops to stop our 3 bed semi bursting at the seams.

Yesterdays was different - my 8 year old was about it and wanted to know why Nana always sends dirty things. Surely I can say something now that the children don't even like it? I genuinely know that she will not understand - she cannot even grasp that I don't have time to pick up the parcels from the post office for a few days sometimes and gets hurt if they don't phone to say thank you the day after postage.

There is a massive difference in the way we see things - I try to buy very little but when I do I invest in something. She likes to shop and is always changing her furniture etc, ebaying things that are a year old.In addition she sees quantity as a joy, whereas I try and buy the kids something really decent, she will buy 10-15 presents for birthdays and Christmas, all of them cheap and will not last - the one time I tried to explain this she said 'oh they just love opening presents, they're not meant to last!! let them play with them for a bit and then throw them away - they're only children for a bit'.

She grew up very poor and talks about having to worry about shoes with holes in etc so for her buying things is her fun, but work full time and it is a burden to deal with all the 'stuff'. I feel like I cannot say anything without telling her she has been annoying for years - which she has. I love her dearly and don't want to hurt her feelings.

Can I say anything?

OP posts:

mamafuckerslatts · 12/12/2013 14:43

Sounds like 'stuff' is tied up with lots of emotions for your mil and you see things differently (you are far more practical, for instance). As you say it would upset her to mention it I would keep accepting with a smile and a thank you but change your attitude to it so you think 'this is mil's way of showing she cares and that she's thinking of her children when she's out and about' then immediately get rid of everything which is not the slightest of use. Gutting as it is as you say your mil is lovely I would go with the flow on this one and try and change my thinking round it slightly.

MurderOfGoths · 12/12/2013 14:44

MIL is the same, I love her generosity and that she likes to spoil DS, but I do wish there was slightly less stuff. Don't want him growing up thinking he can just get everything he wants, when he wants it. Unfortunately she seems to equate giving of gifts with love, and so it's her way of showing affection.

It caused DH a fair few problems growing up, and I'd rather DS doesn't get the same. Mostly we get around it by getting her to keep stuff at her house, but it does still mean that DS gets something new every single time we see her (even if it's been less than 24 hours since he last saw her).

If you ever do find a way of stemming the tide of stuff without breaking her heart, please do share!

tombakerscarf · 12/12/2013 14:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 12/12/2013 14:52

Can you just take the box straight to the charity shop?

This would annoy me, mind. If I was doing it every month.

Or better still, tell her you have no space and that's exactly what you are going to do, so she can stop wasting money.

MoreThanChristmasCrackers · 12/12/2013 15:02

OP, start ebay shop, you can work from home then and do pt instead of ft then dc benefit too.
I know people who make more from doing this than working.

Breadkneadslove · 12/12/2013 15:13

It sounds as though they are bought with love and with the children in mind and she probably gets pleasure from buying them and and spending her time sourcing them, as you said its her hobby. I would accept the gifts with good grace. There is also no harm in reinforcing that its very kind, she doesn't need to, the children enjoy their time with her even without the gifts and 1 or 2 presents are fine it is likely not to make a jot of difference but at least that way you will feel as though you have said your piece and she can go on be the grandma that she wants to be.

I would then encourage the kids to choose what items they particularly like from these parcels and encourage them to gift those that they don't like to a children's centre or to a charity shop. Or you could introduce the 'For 1 month only' game whereby they use / play with everything in the box, extra points are given to those who manage to work out a use for the most random thing in there! At the end of the month they get cleared up back in the box and sent to the dump/charity and you excitedly wait in anticipation for the next surprise box...

Eastwickwitch · 12/12/2013 15:19

I do understand, that she love her grand children & wants to treat them. But the Op says she doesn't want all this stuff.
Could restrict her a bit, say 'X is really into lego' & 'Y is on the hunt for new wellies' then she could focus her searches a bit?

OpalTourmaline · 12/12/2013 15:59

I call this hoarding by proxy. Filling up someone else's home with junk instead of their own. My mum does this, although not to the same extent as your MIL.

Primrose123 · 12/12/2013 16:17

I agree with Opal. My mum is a bit like this. My parents are reasonably well off, but my mum grew up with her widowed mother during the war. It wasn't that they didn't have any money, they didn't have new toys or clothes because there weren't any to buy.

My mum is now a bit of a hoarder, I think it's the fear of having nothing again, and she likes to have lots of stuff around, it makes her feel safe. I prefer a tidy house (although I'm not very successful at keeping it that way!) with some nice toys and possessions, instead of a mountain of stuff. I have nothing against second hand, we bought lots of 'big' second hand stuff when our DDs were little because it was much better value. My mum can't throw anything away either, even if it is broken and can't be fixed.

VikingLady · 12/12/2013 16:22

Breadkneadslove That sounds a fab game!

MsPickle · 12/12/2013 19:28

Focus her.

My grandmother in law is a charity shop bargain hunter and the very first time I met her had a pile for me to sort through. I said yes to a couple of things, no to the rest. We still get randomness but I'll say something like "we could really do with a good, thick picnic blanket for the car" and she'll go on a mission. We ALL then end up with them as she'll find more than one but it helps. So, perhaps say something about the children's tastes changing and could she look out for x,y,z. Then praise/thank for the successes and be quiet for the rest...

MsPickle · 12/12/2013 19:28

Focus her.

curlew · 12/12/2013 19:35

"Don't collect any more parcels, have them return to sender."

Yep, that'll be fine. She's a MIL- a special species that don't have feeling so can't be hurt.

FrauMoose · 12/12/2013 19:38

My very elderly father-in-law has always had slightly strange ideas about suitable presents for my daughter. When she was about 2 he gave her socks that were of adult size. (I kept them and eventually she grew in to them.) When she was 5 he presented her with a 1000 piece jigsaw - a seaside scene, all waves and sand - that I tried and completely failed to do. Normally his presents are Folio Society editions of 19th/early 20th century children's classic fiction, elaborately inscribed 'To my dear Fraulein Moose on the occasion of her 10th birthday. My daughter is quite fond of these eccentric presents, and would not expect her grandfather to give her anything more conventionally modern and/or age appropriate.

ineedanexcuse · 12/12/2013 19:40

MsPickle has it I think.

You wont be able to make her stop.Its the thrill of the chase and the acquisition of things that mean so much to her.So give her things to look for. You might even like what she finds

TheMaw · 12/12/2013 19:44

This would drive me mad. I think the best strategy came from MsPickle - tell her you don't have enough room for the stuff she sends over, but you really need X if she could keep her eyes peeled for one.

I'd be especially pissy about the jigsaws with bits missing, who would want that?

Iamsparklyknickers · 12/12/2013 20:05

MrsPickle is the voice of wisdom here.

I wonder if you could convince her the kids are really into a certain type of book/comic whether that would actually end up with things your DC might be interested in.

Most of my childhood reading (and adult) has been provided by charity shops and boot sales.

Get a 'granny bookcase' that get's pruned when it's full.

Tinymrscollings · 12/12/2013 20:43

My MIL does this. When she visits she brings armfuls of food we don't eat and assorted stuff we don't need. I keep bits and pieces but the rest goes to the charity shop. DH says her need to provide stuff comes from something mysterious and unmentionable that happened in the war during her childhood in Eastern Europe and she won't be dissuaded. If she asks I am very clear on what we do need (DH has enough of his fave jeans to last a lifetime after I said he had enough shirts but needed Levi's in this style/size), If she offers rather than just arriving with stuff I say no thank you. If anyone needs instant coffee I have 12 (yep) jars here going begging..

Tinymrscollings · 12/12/2013 20:45

Or exactly what Pickle said. Tell her what you do need.

Lillilly · 12/12/2013 21:32

I feel for you, I am quite thrifty & when my kids were tiny, people used to think this meant I would like to have all sorts of stuff left on my doorstep.

The thing is that it is time consuming even to take to the charity shop, bins are getting smaller, and it can be hard with a family to be able to get rid if your own rubbish, let alone someone else's. And invariably there will be odd things that seem to good to chuck or give away so you end up keeping some things as spares or just in case it comes in handy one day.

The worst thing for me was that toys or books I had carefully chosen and saved to buy would end up lost under piles of toys and books I would have never thought to buy.

I struggled .

Perhaps you can tell her that what you really need is space, see if she can store some boxes for you in her lift, garage, spare room, take some of her space, post boxes to her to store for you.

Otherwise, I have found that leaving stuff outside my house by the pavement works, it doesn't stay for long.

Shesalwaysright · 12/12/2013 22:11

From the sound of it, the real issue for OP is that she works full-time and doesn't have the time to collect this stuff, sort it, clean it or dump it in a bin, which would no doubt overflow. Working FT as well as looking after children means you need extra tasks like a hole in the head. Although MIL is well-intentioned,she is actually causing hassle, work and cluttering up the house.

I would go with saying thank you, but we really don't have space any more. Then setting specific requests would help MIL to focus her energies on something that is genuinely useful, rather than an additional piece of work.

My MIL is well-intentioned too, and used to flood us with kind but unwanted gifts. We found setting a limit if one gift only each time helped. I also found that asking her to find something specific gave her a task which she could focus on and held back the flow.

OpalTourmaline · 12/12/2013 23:59

Although MIL is well-intentioned,she is actually causing hassle, work and cluttering up the house. This.

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