To be angry at my dead mother (sorry, long)

[AngryDrib]

My mother has been dead for over a decade now. I was a teenager when she died.

Recently (for about 2-3 years), I've been getting more and more angry and resentful about my childhood and how I (and my sister to a lesser extent) was treated compared to my brothers.

Just a few minutes ago I had a pang of thoughts in my head which have prompted me to write this thread, because I'm just so angry at her.

She gave my brothers loads of support and encouragement to do well. She made allowances for them and would let them do things that would support their lifestyle and education. They were always given the best and told they should not accept anything less. Even living in an old council house, my brothers were treated like Princes and my sister and me were also encouraged to keep them both on a pedestal.

I never got this. I wasn't even allowed to have friends over from school. I was only encouraged to get myself an education but it was always followed by "but you're a girl, you won't need it", and I accepted this. Any time I wanted to speak I was told to shut up by my mum and brothers. I was constantly called stupid, and that I shouldn't talk infront of people.

So all these years later, my lovely (!) brothers are doing well for themselves. One is a millionaire and the other is doing well enough to send his 2 children to private school and will send his third child to a boys private school where they've already written his name down. My sister and me are still looked down upon, and this is now coupled with their wives. What lovely family gatherings we have. Too many times my sister and me have been blamed for being stupid and causing unrest with their wives and families. I don't talk to one of them now, and the other I only meet when I need to. Best to keep away and keep shut than open my mouth and offend them again.

My sister and me although both with degrees, have no money, no outlook on life and how to become high achievers because personally I think we don't have the "gift of the gab". For me, I think it's because I was constantly called stupid and told not to talk by my mum. Not all is bad in our lives, we have beautiful children, but haven't had the best luck with husbands or career.

I've never said this to anyone but sometimes I really do hate her. What a terrible thing to say about your dead mum. I wish she was alive so I could scream at her and ask her if she's happy with herself now. I have said these things to my dad in the past, and it upset him. Maybe he didn't see the favouritism happening?

I probably am being unreasonable. I know we only have ourselves to blame at how our life turns out, but I just can't help thinking if we'd been given a bit of encouragement and support maybe we would have made something of our lives like our brothers.

So AIBU?

I am really sorry but you need to take some responsibility here. Do you think some counselling might help?

why do we assess doing well in life with money and the amount you have?

well, counselling might help, but actually you are fully entitled to feel as you do.
get a pile of floor cushions, call them 'mother' and beat seven types of shite out of them. you feel silly at first, but in the end it really helps. tell 'mother' every damn thing she did wrong as you punch, punch, punch. learned that from a book by dr irene kassorla, i think it was called 'putting it all together'. do it whenever you think it will help.
get yourself on a waiting list for counselling but acknowledge that this isn't just 'your' problem, it has its roots in genuinely unfair treatment. your mum might have had her reasons, or her own problems, but you weren't treated right, and pretending that's your fault won't help at all.
good luck. i think you've started the healing process already.

I don't know how I could talk to someone about this. I feel really bad like I'm committing a sin being angry at a dead person. I talk to my sister and she tells me this is what life had in store for us and not to be angry. But some days I think about her treatment of us and it just brings up alot of resentment.

I don't know ivykaty...maybe because money is what my brothers have and they look down on me? So I associate money with doing well. I don't know. Maybe I'm shallow?

Waffily I am just curious as to what OP should be taking responsibility for? I was slightly confused by your comment :)
However OP, I agree that counselling and perhaps CBT may help you. Do you have any close and trustworthy friends/family that could lend a friendly ear? It's not good to keep those feelings inside as it can be like a time bomb. I am sorry that your childhood was the way it was, the only thing I can say is ensure that your children are loved and cherished and supported the way that you never were but certainly deserved :) HTH OP.

No I don't think yabu, if its how you feel then its how you feel! You aren't shallow, you are clearly still going through a process. Its shit that you were treated like that, but that's not who you are.

I think you have a lot of pent up frustration and yes I think some counci ling may help. However....

It's not your brothers fault that they have done well, you could have done just as well, you have a degree why not do something great with that?

It sounds like normal sibling rivalry to be but you seem to have lost perspective. All siblings feel that there was some unfairness. I remember my brother being given a car while I had to buy my own...

The reality was in fact that when I passed my test my parents were skint, they were better off when my brother passed his

There are always two sides and sometimes it's difficult to detach from the reality

its not a sin to be angry at a dead person. kassorla dealt with that in her book. when someone dies, its normal to be angry. and if your mother was still alive, you'd probably be angry too. talk about it. get it out. if she loved you she'll want you to heal. if she didn't, she doesn't deserve consideration. and she might be listening. tell her what you want her to know! and punch her cushiony lights out!

It's ok to be angry with them. I'm angry at my dad for messing up royally before he died. And I'm angry that he died as well. It's absolutely ok to be angry with them. I've had some grief counselling to help me but I also write letters to him too. Both are helping and I am less angry than I was.

Oh and for what it is worth, I think people who have a lot of material wealth who regard themselves as being 'above' poorer people, they should get tae fuck.

what I meant by my comment Admiral was that even though she was treated badly, it was OP who made the choices which have led to the job she does and the life she leads. I am not saying that her childhood had no bearing, but she shouldn't have let it define her and possibly taking the decision in hand to have some kind of CBT would be a first step in taking back some power.

Thanks everyone. AdmiralData thank you. What scares me is that I'm finding myself treating my son more harshly than my daughter sometimes. Then I have to rethink and stop myself. I've spoken to my sister and she also agrees she is more strict with her sons as she doesn't want them to grow up how my brothers did.

Ahh I see what you mean Verrily, if she was physically taken care of and sent to school and kept sheltered and fed etc I would absolutely agree. However if the OP had an alcoholic mum like mine who didn't/couldn't handle even physical care then how much responsibility should she take? For example, I had to choose between eating or transport to school and sometimes I was just too bloody hungry for school, this resulted in poor attendance and me being placed in classes below my abilities. It's such a wide spectrum, no?

Waffily I agree with you, I made the choices, but as I've grown up I've realised that all the people in my school who did well had parent encouragement. Their mums and dads really supported their likes and hobbies. This is what my mum and dad did for my brothers. I don't even remember having a hobby as a child. I was good at playing my keyboard and my music teacher asked my parents to let me learn the piano as I was so good, but they didnt let me. My mum thought it was stupid.
It would have been nice to have been supported in something.

i feel that counselling may help with your unresolved feelings

i think you would be surprised how many people are angry with people who have died and for all different reasons

it may help you come to terms and accept what has happened but without confronting your anger, accepting your anger and owning it (why not be angry who is to say you should not be) we tend to push it down and our emotions have a habit of playing out in different ways

it is not easy at times but for many helps

OP: I have had Holistic Hypnotherapy, which works on getting the hatred and negative emotions out of your body, enabling you to move on.

It's not expensive and you are given a CD with the treatment on, so you repeat it at home several times per week.
It puts the onus on you to do it and it may take months, but it worked for me (abusive XH) and others that I know.
One friend was brought up in care - she had an alcoholic mother. It was that friend who recommended it to me.

Best wishes to you.

Angry, my mother isn't dead but I recognise the feelings you're having and I feel very angry towards her. Counselling has really helped me. Also, don't feel guilty. You feel what you feel, you're not trying to hate her and if you're anything like me you'll have spent a long time trying not to and finding any possible reason to justify things. I get what you mean about recognising traits of your mothers behaviour in the way you respond to your own children. But the big thing is that you're aware of it and you don't want to do it. You will parent well.

I had no encouragement what is ever. I have done well for myself I think you are projecting

Well it sounds as if your brothers missed out as well. It turned them into very unpleasant men if all they can do is look down on you and make out that you are upsetting their wives. (I wouldn't be surprised if they treat you like this because they are jealous or feel guilty).

They can't break the cycle. They bought into it because it made them feel big and important, but you can. You have a huge advantage there.

Maddy did you have siblings who WERE given encouragement?

That's irrelevant maddy. Just because you had no encouragement, it doesn't mean that anyone else did should just get on with life. How is the OP projecting?

I didn't have any encouragement from my mum when growing up and I did well but I still am angry at her for a multitude of reasons.

OP you definitely need to have counselling or something. I would suggest you also consider stepping away from your brothers a bit and try and put them out of your minds. Your brothers didn't ask to be treated that way by your mum.

Perhaps you could also talk to your dad in a non-accusatory way. What has he said about it?

OP, YANBU. i'm angry at my dead mum too, for very similar reasons. It's not a sin, it's how you feel. Do think about therapy, if you don't think you could talk it through then look at art therapy or other non-verbal healing. A book that I've found helpful - another MNer recommended it - is called something like, The Emotionally Unavailable Mother. It looks at how growing up without feeling loved and supported influences the rest of your life, and looks at ways to try and "mother" yourself.

Good luck.

Where was your father in all this?

Out of curiosity how old are you all?

Are there 'ethnic' considerations at play here?

In all honesty, whether your home life was at fault or not, all of the self made multi millionaires I know are men. Nothing to do with their up bringing per se, more to do with the fact they aren't the ones taking career breaks to have babies. I'm sure there are lots of self made women out there - none in my circle. Women tend to be the power behind the throne. You either marry a go-getter or you don't.

Sadly your mother died in your teenage years and you didn't have a good relationship. It must be very hard not to have the chance to challenge what was done and said, and to ever have an apology or reconcilliation. I know if I had lost my mum in those years I would look back on a lot of negatives and harsh words even though my mum is very loving the teen years are so very difficult in mum/daughter relationships.

The real tragedy is if you stay stuck in that time, living a life coloured by sadness, bitterness, jealousy and resentment.

You can't know how life would have turned out if things had of been different, but you can choose to make changes and live differently to achieve more that you would like from your life.

If I was you I would think about counselling with your sister, it sounds like you are both very unhappy and possibly are not helping each other move forward because there is a lot of pain that has not been dealt with.

Find a way to acknowledge and accept that hurt and pain, work through it, and leave it in the past where it belongs. Give yourself permission to enjoy your future whether rich or poor xxxxxx

I don't think you are unreasonable to feel angry with your mother. None of us can help how we feel, and it sounds like you were badly treated.

Patterns of behaviour set up in childhood influence the way we relate to others later on, and I agree with others that therapy can help as a way of looking at those patterns and trying to break free of that influence in the way you approach life now. You're still young so you have plenty of time to change the direction of your life for the better.