To be angry at my dead mother (sorry, long)

[AngryDrib]

My mother has been dead for over a decade now. I was a teenager when she died.

Recently (for about 2-3 years), I've been getting more and more angry and resentful about my childhood and how I (and my sister to a lesser extent) was treated compared to my brothers.

Just a few minutes ago I had a pang of thoughts in my head which have prompted me to write this thread, because I'm just so angry at her.

She gave my brothers loads of support and encouragement to do well. She made allowances for them and would let them do things that would support their lifestyle and education. They were always given the best and told they should not accept anything less. Even living in an old council house, my brothers were treated like Princes and my sister and me were also encouraged to keep them both on a pedestal.

I never got this. I wasn't even allowed to have friends over from school. I was only encouraged to get myself an education but it was always followed by "but you're a girl, you won't need it", and I accepted this. Any time I wanted to speak I was told to shut up by my mum and brothers. I was constantly called stupid, and that I shouldn't talk infront of people.

So all these years later, my lovely (!) brothers are doing well for themselves. One is a millionaire and the other is doing well enough to send his 2 children to private school and will send his third child to a boys private school where they've already written his name down. My sister and me are still looked down upon, and this is now coupled with their wives. What lovely family gatherings we have. Too many times my sister and me have been blamed for being stupid and causing unrest with their wives and families. I don't talk to one of them now, and the other I only meet when I need to. Best to keep away and keep shut than open my mouth and offend them again.

My sister and me although both with degrees, have no money, no outlook on life and how to become high achievers because personally I think we don't have the "gift of the gab". For me, I think it's because I was constantly called stupid and told not to talk by my mum. Not all is bad in our lives, we have beautiful children, but haven't had the best luck with husbands or career.

I've never said this to anyone but sometimes I really do hate her. What a terrible thing to say about your dead mum. I wish she was alive so I could scream at her and ask her if she's happy with herself now. I have said these things to my dad in the past, and it upset him. Maybe he didn't see the favouritism happening?

I probably am being unreasonable. I know we only have ourselves to blame at how our life turns out, but I just can't help thinking if we'd been given a bit of encouragement and support maybe we would have made something of our lives like our brothers.

So AIBU?

Thanks for all the replies. Feeling very guilty for starting this thread last night.

Everyone is suggesting counselling is the way to go forward, but I really don't think I can talk about this openly to a stranger. I will have a look at all the books mentioned and the Holistic hypnotherapy. I'd rather try to work through these feelings on my own.

bohemian My dad was never made parenting decisions. Everything went through my mum. I do remember though that my rich brother used to always get into trouble for breaking things and hitting all of us by my dad. When my dad used to get angry at him my mum always defended him. It was like he could do no wrong in her eyes. My dad is ill now so I can't talk to him about these things, but my sister told me in the past he felt bad for how I felt and he'd told his cousin this too.

I remember her coming to pick me up from school and as a 12 year old I got embarrassed once infront of my friends and walked ahead of her. My school was only 5 mins away. Anyway we got home and she went mad at me pushing me into the front door telling me everything she'd done for me. I pushed her back in defence. Then she pretended to commit suicide by getting the gas canister we had for a portable heater we had in the shed and sucking in the gas. That's not normal is it?

She was very loving when she wanted to be but was a control freak the rest of the time. I'm sometimes glad she died or else I would never have got married or been able to raise my children how I want to. She would have taken control of everything.

If she was alive I'd ask her why she did these things.

Even my sister was encouraged to make friends and bring them home. I remember my mum organising her 16th birthday party and her whole class coming to the party, but I wasn't allowed to join in with the party. I was never given a birthday party.

I was always told not to make friends and the friends I did have I was told that they were a bad influence. Once one of my school friends bought her pet rabbit to our house as I really wanted to see it and my mum ignored her blatantly. Never even said hello and made my friend feel uncomfortable. I was so embarrassed.

Now I find it hard to invite people to my house. I have very few friends but I have to really build up courage to invite someone over. I find it hard to build friendships and maintain them. My sister though is very sociable and makes friends and socialises easily and has loads of old school friends. I have no old school friends as I was the odd ball who was never allowed to go to anyone's house or invite anyone over.

I can relate to your OP though things weren't as bad in our family. But I have a DBro and DSis and he was definitely given preferential treatment, for example sent to private school, given more and better presents, allowed to have loads of different pets and hobbies - just more so than us.
But also my DF had a bit of a short fuse and the family revolved (to some extent) around not upsetting him. Also during conversation at meal times the men would hold sway - there'd be virtually no chance of me and DSis (or these days any of the DGC) having a conversation and the others listening to it. So, I guess all this has left me rather angry too.
I think it's about living through patriarchy isn't it?
It's not just you (or me) x

Am sorry to read you recent posts Drib, seems like you were treated seriously badly during childhood, especially by your Mum. I'm sorry she wasn't able to support you developing your social life - everyone needs some opportunities to develop this during their teenage years.

Thanks for replying juggling. I know what you mean about having a conversation and someone listening, especially if we had guests around. I was always told to shut up at home as I was the youngest, so nothing I could say could hold any importance. Then the teachers used to constantly tell me to speak up at school and that I never talked or asked questions. I was confused about whether I should talk or not.

I've always encouraged my dd to talk loudly and confidently no matter what even at home or school. She gets into trouble sometimes for being a chatterbox but I'd rather she be confident than shy like I was.

I think it is fine to be angry at a dead person, there is no shame in feeling that way. I'm angry at my Mum, she is dead but I am angry she is not here to grab a coffee with etc. It may sound like we had a close relationship, and we did, but only in adult life.

My childhood wasn't abusive but it wasn't great, the humiliation of situations in childhood stay with you forever, but somehow I moved on from it. I am what I am now despite my childhood.

Your Mum sounds particularly cruel and it is harder when your siblings are treated differently because you understand that it wasn't how she treated everyone, just you. But deep down you have to tell yourself that this wasn't about you it was about her.

You clearly have at least 2 children who no doubt love you. You have to focus on what you are today, and what the good stuff is about you. Stop thinking about the bad parts and focus on the good.

It is a way of thinking and you are clinging on to all the negatives. Just try for one day to purely focus on the good stuff that happened. Even if you got run over by a bus and broke a leg, the positives would be, well it is only one leg! It could have been both legs or I could have been killed. I found that helped me immensely.

The pedant in me has to say that when you say "my sister and me have been blamed" it should be my sister and I. The way to figure out if it is me or I is to remove the other person from the sentence, so your sentence would read "me have been blamed" does that make sense? I am only pointing that out to help stop those arsehole brothers of yours looking down at you.

I just feel it would be so encouraging if DGPs could listen to their DGC around a shared meal (or us when we were younger, or even now) but it's always been all about DF really - I do love him but that doesn't mean I don't see things that are wrong. Like in your family DM always defends everything he does even if he gets cross and unreasonable.
I'm thinking of going to stay with my DSis this Christmas (well, just after) as well as with them. I''m a bit sick of them calling all the shots tbh.

Great that you're able to make things more encouraging for your dd. Good on you

OP, there's no sin in feeling angry with the dead, so feel no guilt about that. As you won't ever have a response from your mother about this, I agree you should find a good counsellor and give yourself a safe place to talk about all these issues, and the roots of your lack of self-esteem in your childhood, so you can set them aside and move on with your life.

Because you can't keep blaming a parent, dead or alive, even when they are clearly at fault - my parents are both alive, and I do love them, but our upbringing was far from ideal. We couldn't ever have people over, parents were both barely literate, had no idea they should be helping with homework, considering any school other than the notoriously poor one down the road or that there were grants and scholarships to get you to university etc etc. But they have no idea they did anything wrong. Both came from deprived backgrounds and had no idea how to parent children to be secure and confident. If I talked to them about it, they would be devastated. I have just had to try to parent myself.

So the fact that your mother is dead is a red herring, really. Be kind to yourself, stop equating success with money and comparing yourself to your siblings, and recognise you can't magically alter your awful childhood. What you can do is talk through your demons and to work on your life now to make it more fulfilling. Good luck.