Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt that dp wants to change ds's birthday plans because his parents don't like our plans?

63 replies

bluecheeseforbreakfast · 11/12/2013 20:18

Ds turns 1 next week, the last few months have been really hard as dp has been working nights and I have been studying so we have been juggling childcare between the 2 of us and consequently having very little family time.

Dp booked the day off work a couple of months ago, we made the plan to go into the city (a 20 min train ride) look at the christmas lights, get some lunch at a baby friendly cafe and then take ds to a kids museum, then come home ds will go to bed (around 5ish as it will be such a busy day) and then we will sit and look through the photos from ds's first year and have a glass of champagne.

We are having a family party for ds this weekend, pil live a long way away and have decided that rather than come down for the party they will come down to spend ds's actual birthday with us (there is no reason they can't come for the party they just don't fancy it which is fair enough) The trip is also to see their other 10 grandchildren and give them their christmas gifts so not just on ds's behalf. Dp said to his parents that we would love for them to celebrate ds's birthday with us, we will be eating luch at x cafe and then going to the kids museum, they are very welcome to join us for all the day or part of the day, it would be really nice for them to come along.

Pil have said they will not go into the city but they expect to hang out with us on ds's birthday at sil's house (where they stay when they visit) sil's house is not child proofed and ds is walking and seems to be a distruction whirlwind. I find myself following ds around catching the breakable things he pulls over and telling him no the entire time.

Dp has now decided that it is too much hassel to go into the city, ds won't remember anything anyway (I know he won't but I think he will enjoy the day even if he forgets it by the day after). Dp thinks we should change our plans because pil don't like our plans, previously dp was keen on the plans and that is why he booked the day off work.

I feel like I am expected to forgo my plans and preferences because pil will not just go along with the day that we already had planned.

I am not overly sentimental about ds's birth, I didn't expect a push present or anything like that but I am sure the day will bring back memories of ds's birth and first hours and I would like to mark the day in a special way rather than doing our normal routine, I really want to do something that feels like a treat.

Pil could come and have breakfast with us and see ds open his pressies but mil doesn't like socialising too early in the morning. They could also come and have dinner (pasta and pesto as it is ds's favorite meal) but ds is likely to be tired and not in the best humour.

Pil are not elderly, they are very active more so than me and dp so mobility isn't an issue. They will also be staying near us for a week so we will see them, they can see ds as much as they like so it's not like his birthday is the only chance for them to have time with ds.

AIBU to think that dp should not try to change our plans because his dp want to do things their way?

I'm not feeling well so i am possibly being very unreasonable, I was really looking forward to a special day of treats that ds will love and I feel hurt that my opinion is being disregarded.

OP posts:
Original poster
bluecheeseforbreakfast · 11/12/2013 20:38

Me and pil have a somewhat rocky relationship but I do enjoy their company and it is a shame they don't want to come along.

We don't live in the uk, the trains here have a pram area, it's fun as the babies entertain each other :)

OP posts:
EndoplasmicReticulum · 11/12/2013 20:38

YANBU. They are trying to hijack your day and this would annoy me too. You have plans, stick to them.

Seems like they don't want to go to the party, don't want to go to the city, don't like getting up early, etc. etc. Why does everything have to fit around them when it's your son's birthday?

Am cross on your behalf. Had similar MIL-hijack last time we went to London, this year we've booked to go again and are "forgetting to mention it" so she can't do it again.

TalkativeJim · 11/12/2013 20:40

Um, no. Ideal time to set a little boundary methinks.

Smile and say no. No, you have no plans to spend YOUR DS's first birthday at your SIL's house. You already have a plan, which your DP was perfectly happy with until his parents started to complain. So unless he wants you to think that their wishes are more important than yours when it comes to your son's birthday - you will be sticking to the original plan. :)

neunundneunzigluftballons · 11/12/2013 20:42

Nope YANBU you have plans enough said, you offered to include them, they declined job done.

misskatamari · 11/12/2013 20:48

Definitely not BU. It's your sons first birthday and you have plans - they can either share in them or not, their choice. It's unreasonable of then to expect you to change what you want to do to fit in with them!

OddFodd · 11/12/2013 20:49

Do not change your plans. That's what you're doing and you've invited them to participate. If they choose not to, then that's their decision. Also, if you give in now, you're setting a very dangerous precedent.

crazykat · 11/12/2013 20:50

Do what you had planned. Your pil are there for a week and not just to see your ds so tell them you will be having a day out and they can join you, if not they can come to you any other day they're here. If your dh suddenly doesn't want to go with you tell him you and ds will go by yourselves.

goingmadinthecountry · 11/12/2013 21:17

From years of bitter experience (YANBU at all) YOU need to set the perameters. This is your life and your family unit. Great to include them, but on your terms.

We are doing x,y and z. Would you prefer to join us for breakfast first, come along for the day out or come to our house later for dinner bearing in mind ds will be tired but of course he'll be so excited to see you. It will be lovely that you are going to join in our plans for ds's birthday.

End of. Honestly. Please. You are the mum here, not your mil.

BohemianGirl · 11/12/2013 21:21

This baby has two parents right? so the father wants to spend it with his extended family. The baby hasnt got a scoobie its his birthday. Go and play in a museum another day and enjoy a day with the family.

we will sit and look through the photos from ds's first year and have a glass of champagne.

Sorry but I laughed. Loudly.

poopadoop · 11/12/2013 21:26

can you not also go visit the pils? Your day sounds lovely, but maybe you can have a little cake with the pils? Everyone who says sod them and stick to your plans sound so selfish and self-absorbed (on your behalf)!

neunundneunzigluftballons · 11/12/2013 21:28

we will sit and look through the photos from ds's first year and have a glass of champagne.

I presume she meant herself and her DH nothing wrong with that

neunundneunzigluftballons · 11/12/2013 21:30

can you not also go visit the pils? Your day sounds lovely, but maybe you can have a little cake with the pils? Everyone who says sod them and stick to your plans sound so selfish and self-absorbed (on your behalf)!

Unlike the PIL who sound like the epitome of compromise.

Original poster
bluecheeseforbreakfast · 11/12/2013 21:34

we will sit and look through the photos from ds's first year and have a glass of champagne.

Sorry but I laughed. Loudly.

I don't really understand why you'd laugh at a couple looking at the photos they have taken in the last year and celebrating the birth and first year of their child's life with a glass of champagne.

Do you never take photos? Do you never celebrate a special occasion with champagne?

OP posts:
defineme · 11/12/2013 21:34

The pil are there for a week. The pil have rejected every plan the op has proposed and elected to make their own plans. The pil have 9 other grandchildren to see and aren't making the trip specially for his birthday-they refused to come to his actual family party.

What on earth is wrong with looking through his photos-she means her and dp not the baby. Dh and I love looking through our family photos-we took our wedding photos when we went away for our 10th anniversary-it's a very normal thing to do-just because you don't doesn't make it laughable-how mean spirited.

Tapiocapearl · 11/12/2013 21:39

I would ignore the fact your MIL doesn't like socialising first thing. I'd organise with SIL to have breakfast at hers before going into town.

PicardyThird · 11/12/2013 21:39

YANBU, but I would still split the day. I say this mainly because I am guessing the museum isn't something he will be able to interact with properly/enjoy yet (I enthusiastically took my two to all sorts of things they were in retrospect too young for, and we had much more fun revisiting at a later stage), so I would leave that and just go to the lights/lunch - taking your time - and then see the PIL later in the afternoon.

lilyaldrin · 11/12/2013 21:44

YANBU and you don't have to justify your plans to anyone.

Stick to your guns, the PIL can join you if they want and if not you can visit them another day.

Rufustherednosedreindeer · 11/12/2013 23:22

YANBU

My children are older but my inlaws decided they didn't like our local pub (where we go for every birthday) so insisted we go to a place they liked

It was shit, very busy, the food wasn't up to much, very crowded, massive delay for food, and drug dealers in the car park!

Arrange what you want, they need to fall in with your family plans (within reason obviously)

Silverdaisy · 11/12/2013 23:30

Is it the fact that with 10 grandchildren, they have forgotten the excitement of all the mile stones in childs/parents life? I don't mean that it would make the situation okay, but perhaps complacency?

optimusic · 11/12/2013 23:40

I would continue with the plans. Go to town and do all the rest. No compromise, no meeting half way, no splitting the day. Those plans have been made for a number of weeks. The pil could easily join in at any time, they don't want to. They could come to the party, they don't want to. But hell would freeze over before I changed my plans. If dp wants to spend time with his parents and siblings on that day, this is his choice. But I would be making it very clear, child(ren) and myself would not be joining him and would be carrying on with original plans.

You find a lot of the time in these situations, you change it once and that's it. Imagine in 8 years time, you have organised a special treat that dc know about and look forward to.. Then along come the grandparents and don't want to do any of that, want to do something completely different, but want to see child on that day. They expect you to change plans to suit them...You say no, and the boom but you have previously done this.

BrianTheMole · 11/12/2013 23:41

I wouldn't suck it up. Spend the day as you want to. You'll feel resentful later on if you don't. Not sure why one of the posters was laughing at the idea of champagne and looking through photos, it sounds fab to me.

BlackeyedShepherdswatchsheep · 11/12/2013 23:56

yanbu. plans have been made. they have refused to join. they have been given lots of options. seems like they turned down the family party as it is more convenient to visit the 9 other grandchildren.

agree they re not being veery likeable

agree that you will resent it. will shortly be delving under the stairs for the photo albums too... that sounds a great plan.

ex would do this too. things were how he wanted, til his parents did not want it... then it suddenly turned into my choice when he had suggested it in the first place...

Original poster
bluecheeseforbreakfast · 12/12/2013 07:09

I had a chat with dp about how I felt and he agreed that it wasn't fair to always expect us to change plans because pil don't like our original plans.

Pil have been like this since ds was born, they had lots of influence over how their other grandchildren were raised ( dp has 3 sisters and they let mil decide on lots of parenting issues) I would pil to be acti've and supportive in ds's life but they need to realise that me and dp are ds's parents and he doesn't need any more parents.

We are going to invite pil for breakfast or suggest theycome over the day before for a birthday tea.

Thanks for all the advice!

OP posts:
SatinSandals · 12/12/2013 07:13

I would stick to the plan .

minibmw2010 · 12/12/2013 07:13

Enjoy your day in the City and on the train etc. when my DS was 1 that would be such a lovely day out as he slept really well when out and loved his pram, now he's 2.5 and less willing to be in a pram/buggy not so much. Make use of the time you can Smile