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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be thoroughly fed up with DH

41 replies

lastnightIwenttoManderley · 10/12/2013 22:17

Latest incident in a long string of similar occurrences...

I have a Big Birthday coming up at the end of March. DH is a teacher and so we are tied to school holidays if we want to go away.

Earlier this evening he asks me 'Are we doing anything 5th April?'. Me: 'Well, that's the first weekend of the Easter holidays, I thought you were planning on taking me away somewhere. Why?'. DH: 'Well, it's X's stag do. I really want to go'. Me: 'Well, what about my birthday?'. DH: 'Oh. It's just I really want to go'. Me: 'Well, fine then, do what you want' DH: "Well I can't, can I, because you'll just get pissed off"

I appreciate that this seems relatively trivial but it is a recurring theme, particularly with the guilt trippy closing statement. I point out to him that telling me he really wants to go just makes me feel like shit when I really have no need to. There is possibly also a sensitive subject as we had our first wedding anniversary last year and, again, plans to go away were cancelled as DH was going on my brother's stag do the following weekend and thought it would 'all be too much in one go'. (should add, it's not financial. We're lucky to be 'OK' at the moment)

AIBU to be fed up of seemingly coming bottom of the priority list?

OP posts:
foreverondiet · 10/12/2013 22:20

TBH I think its a little pathetic to be precious about timings of trips / meals out to celebrate birthdays - would be just as nice to go another time - but stag night that weekend, so if its something he really wants to do, and is otherwise a good husband think you are being a little precious to guilt trip him.

gamerchick · 10/12/2013 22:23

No that would piss me off. Do you ever come at the top of his priorities? I could maybe forgive of it wasn't all the time and he didn't expect a fuss in his birthday.

Maybe plan something for yourself.. A treat with girlfriends maybe?

Greensleeves · 10/12/2013 22:25

I'd be hurt. And angry. Selfish turd.

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange · 10/12/2013 22:25

I need a spreadsheet. For some reason on MN stag dos are compulsory no matter where they are or what they cost or when they are but women's birthdays, anniversaries and Christmas for grown ups are banned.

Besides, that conversation could have gone like this...

Me: 'Well, what about my birthday?'. DH: 'Oh. well I thought a nice boutique spa for a couple of days later in the week would be lovely. Look at this brochure of said lovely spa.'. Me: 'Ooo, that's lovely' DH: "I know, I love you darling." DH gets stag, OP gets taken away, everyone is happy.

CailinDana · 10/12/2013 22:26

Hmm. It's hard to say if he's an arse or the communication between you is poor. For example my DH might say to me "I know it's your birthday but would you mind if I go to x's stag do and then we do something the following weekend?" If I really wasn't happy with that I would say so but usually I'd be ok with a stag do as that's a fixed event.
Do you think it's just both of you getting each other's backs up or is he genuinely inconsiderate?

Bowlersarm · 10/12/2013 22:27

Why can't he go to the stag do, and then you go away? I don't see why both those things can't happen.

Ghostie · 10/12/2013 22:27

I know what you mean and it depends. It is all very well to bemoan the sentimentality and commercialism of such occasions, if there is enough thought, romance etc the rest of time. However, if this is not forthcoming then it can magnify the importance or lack of care and attention on such events. Personally I have often felt like you, but I think those feeli g's are about something bigger.

Original poster
lastnightIwenttoManderley · 10/12/2013 22:34

Hi all - thanks for responses.

I think the issue is that this is not a one off (thought like the fact that I'm pathetic and precious...Hmm). DH doesn't really seem to get the concept of tone, timing or just thinking about how what he is saying will sound to someone else involved.

MrsTerrys and CailinDana you're right - phrasing it like this would have been much nicer but I can see it being a repeat of our anniversary where the other event takes priority and then the postponed event never happens. I ended up organising something last minute for our anniversary as DH left it so late to decide that we weren't going away but it feels a bit sad to organise my own birthday treat. I suppose all I am asking for is that just once he actually organises something nice for me.

Bowlersarm see above :)

OP posts:
CailinDana · 10/12/2013 22:37

Have you said that to him?

moondog · 10/12/2013 22:39

A 'stag do'?
Let me guess.
Are they all well into their 30s and has the 'stag' been with the woman for years (with probably a house and kids thrown in)?

'Stag dos' are as buttock clenchingly awful as 'hen parties' are for similarly long in the tooth and none too innocent 'brides'.

fuzzywuzzy · 10/12/2013 22:40

Does he expect a fuss on his birthdays, do you do things for his birthday, Would he be upset if you decided to go off on a hen do instead of celebrating his birthday?

Some people just don't do birthdays/anniversaires if he one of those?

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange · 10/12/2013 22:41

Cailin is right. DH responds far better if I lose all pretense of winning' and just say something like, "I felt sad when our anniversary didn't happen. I don't want to feel sad on my 21st/30th/40th/50th (whatever)." How do you think he would respond to that?

TinselinaBumSquash · 10/12/2013 22:45

I'd be majorly pissed off if DP missed either my birthday/anniversary for a flipping stag do I expect him to put me first in those circumstances I wouldn't want to go away in my own or with friends! I like to be with my OH on special occasions and if that makes me pathetic than so be it.

parakeet · 10/12/2013 22:46

I just don't get this. I have organised every single one of my own birthday dos, treats and what have you. I am a grown woman. Why wouldn't I?

You complain about his "guilt trippy" closing statement, but what about yours? "Well fine then, do you what you want!" You both sound like you're made for each other...try some plain speaking.

Original poster
lastnightIwenttoManderley · 10/12/2013 22:47

MrsTerrys I come from the 'it makes me feel' camp, he comes from the 'must be right and win camp'. This means I inevitably end up being the one to compromise. He's not nasty with it but I genuinely do believe he has some deep rooted need to be top dog and prove he is better than other people; sadly I suspect his mum's overt favouritism towards his brother may be involved. (I'm not just saying that either, even I've been shocked on occasion by how brazen she is with it!)

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 10/12/2013 22:49

Can't he do both, considering he'll have the Easter holiday off? Or can you only get weekends off of work yourself?

Original poster
lastnightIwenttoManderley · 10/12/2013 22:50

parakeet fully accept responsibility for sarky comment; slight paraphrasing of conversation and my childish reaction is the result of pent up frustration, as no matter how simply I point out to DH that it's xx occasion, I'd like to spend it with him, I still get the 'but I really want to go' in response.

OP posts:
MrsTerrysChocolateOrange · 10/12/2013 22:54

I suspect from the OP's posts that she doesn't think both will happen. Her 'big' birthday will fall off the map as unimportant while, once again, a stag night is all important. I think this may be bigger than one birthday...

Shnickyshnackers · 10/12/2013 23:06

A couple of things jump out at me. One thing seems to be that you would appreciate him organising something for your anniversary/birthday and then sticking to these plans. Honestly organising something for n anniversary doesn't have to be the H's responsibility, you might be being a bit precious there.

Another thing is that if you two dont start to learn how to compromise then you are going to have years of built up resentment heading your way. A simple and proper conversation should have taken place where both of your needs are met. Neither of you should feel the need to 'win' a conversation.

sykadelic15 · 11/12/2013 03:25

No, you're not BU.

If it was just this once, I'd probably say you were being slightly unreasonable and to give him a chance, but as you say he often does this and forgets your special events then it makes sense.

My question to you is this - if he's being such a shit why do you want to spend time alone with him anyway? My reason for asking is he's going to be a pain about it anyway, and he's already "ruined" the occasion (or would have for me) and I'd rather do something else without him.

So also yes, while normally I'd agree with you I feel sad and pathetic organising my own events, I'd organise a weekend away with some girlfriends and leave him home alone to deal with the kids/house etc. I'd of course have HIM pay for it and I'd expect something shiny for when you get home.

Win/win :D

GoshAnneGorilla · 11/12/2013 03:50

I share moondog's opinion of stag do's. Tbh, I can't understand why stag do's or hen parties has become such a big deal in society, they seem to cause nothing but trouble and expense.

OP, I think there is more to this then just the stag do, isn't there? As someone upthread said, it's about never coming first, YANBU to be annoyed with that.

paxtecum · 11/12/2013 06:44

I spent 30 years coming second.

It is sad that he would prefer a stag do getting pissed with mates to a romantic time away with you on your Big Birthday.

That is the issue really.

MrsLouisTheroux · 11/12/2013 09:30

You have 14 days to go away, the stag do will take up 1/2 days at the start of the holiday so I don't see the problem. It isn't about coming second, the stag do is on a certain date and as you haven't booked your holiday yet its not clashing with any plans, isn't on your actual birthday and you have 10 days left to do something together.

LittleBabySqueakSqueak · 11/12/2013 09:44

A stag do is a one-off, arranged with lots of other people. If he misses it, it's gone. Your birthday celebration can be anytime.

defineme · 11/12/2013 09:51

If conversations don't go well then I'd write it down-

The stag do is not the problem.
If you'd said 'I'd like to this and I'll book this the following weekend for your birthday'
Or 'I'd like to do this, shall we sit down now and book your birthday treat for the following weekend'

Does he make you feel wanted the rest of the time?