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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be thoroughly fed up with DH

41 replies

lastnightIwenttoManderley · 10/12/2013 22:17

Latest incident in a long string of similar occurrences...

I have a Big Birthday coming up at the end of March. DH is a teacher and so we are tied to school holidays if we want to go away.

Earlier this evening he asks me 'Are we doing anything 5th April?'. Me: 'Well, that's the first weekend of the Easter holidays, I thought you were planning on taking me away somewhere. Why?'. DH: 'Well, it's X's stag do. I really want to go'. Me: 'Well, what about my birthday?'. DH: 'Oh. It's just I really want to go'. Me: 'Well, fine then, do what you want' DH: "Well I can't, can I, because you'll just get pissed off"

I appreciate that this seems relatively trivial but it is a recurring theme, particularly with the guilt trippy closing statement. I point out to him that telling me he really wants to go just makes me feel like shit when I really have no need to. There is possibly also a sensitive subject as we had our first wedding anniversary last year and, again, plans to go away were cancelled as DH was going on my brother's stag do the following weekend and thought it would 'all be too much in one go'. (should add, it's not financial. We're lucky to be 'OK' at the moment)

AIBU to be fed up of seemingly coming bottom of the priority list?

OP posts:

LouiseAderyn · 11/12/2013 10:14

If your birthday is important to you and you are important to your husband, then he should want to make it special for you. The fact that he doesn't is your problem.

You should be his absolute, number one priority and he repeatedly demonstrates that you are not. Living with a selfish person is horrible and if he won't change, you should cut your losses before 10 years go by and you have 10 years of disappointment in him.

A stag do is not a life essential - its a 'nice to go to if there's nothing more important going on', type of event.

Bowlersarm · 11/12/2013 10:36

OP - see MrsLouisTheroux point. I read what you had written, and my point still stands. Why can't you do both?

purrtrillpadpadpad · 11/12/2013 10:43

I'm with Mrs on this. And no, birthday celebrations can't happen any flipping time whilst a stag do is fixed, what rot. A stag do is dateless until it is arranged for a time that is convenient for all attendees. A birthday celebration should occur as near to the date it is celebrating. Not any old time because he wants to get pissed with his mates and doesn't give a shite about your big birthday.

Greige · 11/12/2013 11:01

No, LittleBaby, it's the birthday that is fixed - it celebrates the DAY a person was born. Ideally, the celebrations should be on the exact date - that is the point.

OP is NBU - her husband sounds selfish. I would be incredibly hurt if my DP preferred to party with his mates rather than make me feel important on my special day.

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange · 11/12/2013 14:20

I wonder if at any point he said to his friends, "shit lads, that's Manderley's birthday. It's a big number so can we make it the week after?" Not saying they could change it, just did he try?

sykadelic15 · 11/12/2013 15:29

Bowlersarm - Did you miss the part of the OP where she said "we had our first wedding anniversary last year and, again, plans to go away were cancelled as DH was going on my brother's stag do the following weekend and thought it would 'all be too much in one go'"?

It's not about him NOT going to the stag thing. It's about how it's close to her birthday (as the other event was to their anniversary) and how she doesn't want a repeat performance of him forgetting to make her feel special. It's about how his friends come first and her fear that once again her event will be forgotten about because he just can't be arsed.

It's about how he could have at least ACKNOWLEDGED it was near her birthday and said "I know your birthday is on the X and don't worry I haven't forgotten, we'll do something for that as well, I've got all that under control, but I'd really like to do this as well".

She's most definitely NBU to be gun-shy after what happened last time.

OP - I think what you need to do is say to him "If you want to go to the stag thing that's fine, but don't forget it's my birthday and we had plans for that too. I don't want a repeat of our anniversary. I was really upset about how all that happened. I want to feel important to you and that situation last year did NOT make me feel important."

haveyourselfashandy · 11/12/2013 15:33

God forbid the poor little mans should miss out on a stag do.He's been a prick op,birthdays and other special occasions are just that,special! It's sometimes the only time in busy lives to show your loved ones how much they mean to you.To be fair though I would of told him to piss off and booked something with a friend or friends.

OBitchery · 11/12/2013 15:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CaptainTripps · 11/12/2013 15:35

I just don't get the whole birthday thing. It's just a day. But I acknowledge the point made about him prioritising other things. Basically take note of what sykadelic says.

Pinupgirl · 11/12/2013 16:15

HA HA HA at stag do trumping birthday-does it fuck! I would be furious if my dh told me he was going on a stag when we had arranged something for my birthday.

fluffyraggies · 11/12/2013 16:48

Hmmm, i think the simple fact that this is the 2nd time in 1 year that he is letting a stag do mess up your plans as a couple means YANBU.

Odd sort of rule of thumb, but it makes sense to me. First time - ok, fair enough. But i would be quietly expecting him to be putting me first next time there was a clash, without having to point it out to him, IYSWIM.

Original poster

lastnightIwenttoManderley · 11/12/2013 20:54

Hi all - thanks for all the advice, reassurance and straight talking.

Bit of an update, DH came home this evening and apologised for being 'a bit shit'. He's either been reading MN or my admittedly childish reaction yesterday made him realise just how fed up I am.

Has told me to keep a Friday in April free and get it off work...!

Have had a chat with him and agreed that his approach turned what could have been an annoying but otherwise ok situation into me being quite upset. He seems to have taken this on board.

Not intentionally drip feeding (wanted honest advice yesterday) but I do think he struggles with what I would see as special occasions. His dad died when he was 6 and although he doesn't really talk about it, I get the impression that birthdays and the like went by the wayside in the following years.

OP posts:

Kiwiinkits · 11/12/2013 23:11

YABU. And a bit whiney. Would have been more direct and productive to have said something like, "that's my birthday weekend. How about we lock in the next weekend to do something special for my birthday. I was thinking we go to "x" or "y" but I'd like you to organise it and make it a bit special for me."

That would have got a much better response.

Kiwiinkits · 11/12/2013 23:13

Sorry OP, I only just saw your last post

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange · 12/12/2013 00:33

Good for him. he is definitely a secret MNer.

Mellowandfruitful · 12/12/2013 00:41

Well, that's much better. I don't think your reaction was childish. And I am at the notion that a stag weekend has to be facilitated no matter what whereas your birthday can be fitted in with a celebratory trip to McDonalds in a spare half hour, four days after the date, as some of the posts here seem to suggest.

Hope he actually books something ahead of time now and comes up with a nice day/weekend for you.

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