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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that this was really selfish and a little stalkery?

94 replies

GirlNamedParker · 10/12/2013 17:14

Namechanged.

My best friend is in a long term relationship with a man. She told me yesterday that a few years ago she had a 6 month fling with one of her female friends, who she no longer sees. The fling stopped when my best friend met her partner, and yet they continued to be good friends. My best friend yesterday got a message from this girl, after a year of not speaking (my best friend called time when she felt that this girl had secret feelings for her).

The message basically said how she was just wanting closure and to get things off her chest, that she wasn't expecting anything in return but she wanted to tell her she actually had been in love with her and that she was upset that they were no longer friends because of it. That she'd rather be friends than nothing at all.

My friend is feeling a little torn over it, but AIBU to think that this is really selfish of the girl?! And a bit stalkery after not speaking for so long? My best friend is in a long term relationship, I find it really inappropriate and a bit sad tbh.

Friend asked advice and I want to tell her to tell the girl just to not contact her again.

OP posts:

pictish · 10/12/2013 18:07

The message basically said how she was just wanting closure and to get things off her chest

she wanted to tell her she actually had been in love with her and that she was upset that they were no longer friends because of it. That she'd rather be friends than nothing at all

You'd all be saying "What the fuck does she want? - You'd better not reply to her!"

Yeah you would. Don't kid yourselves otherwise.

Preciousbane · 10/12/2013 18:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NumptyNameChange · 10/12/2013 18:18

pictish - that's clearly what you'd do but how can you claim to know what anyone else would do? just because your mind and relationship style works that way doesn't mean everyone else's does.

i certainly wouldn't be with someone who was able to cheat on a partner for six months then dump both of them when they met me though. that much i do know.

though it's likely 'new man' doesn't know the history hence the shoving of this friend out of the picture and the anxiety about her contact.

NumptyNameChange · 10/12/2013 18:23

presumably best friend is an adult and adults know that when you sleep with someone for a period of time they can get attached and very caught up in it even if you don't feel the same. adults know to take responsibility for not just their own feelings but to consider those of others. using people for sex on the side is unpleasant - sure if you're 100% sure they are seeing it in the same light as you but otherwise it is selfish and cruel and going to end in tears (theirs and yours if you have any conscience at all).

best friend clearly meant a hell of a lot to this other woman who is clearly still hurting and confused by it ages afterwards. is she not allowed feelings pictish? it may be inconvenient for people to not just disappear off the face of the earth when you are through with them but other people are real human beings too who have feelings and realities of their own.

if you don't want to deal with people's feelings you don't sleep with them for six months knowing they care about you and you're just using them.

MaidOfStars · 10/12/2013 18:26

I think lots of you are too caught up in gleeful Scadenfreude and satisfied karma.

Whether the friend deserves it or not, whether the new man is an unwitting fool...not relevant to the question, as far as I can tell.

Assuming the ex is fully cogniscient of the facts surrounding the breakup of the relationship, to get in touch and declare lost love but a desire to be friends because 'it's better than nothing' is setting off my 'stalker' radar (where 'stalker' is used relatively lightly).

pictish · 10/12/2013 18:28

Course it is maid. I agree.

LessMissAbs · 10/12/2013 18:30

Your friend sounds like a bit of a drama queen. Why are you indulging her? Can't she respect the poor girl's privacy without telling someone else this? It isn't stalking, and surely there's nothing stopping her from ignoring it.

stayanotherday · 10/12/2013 18:33

Your friend would be wise to reply with a best wishes message. It's polite without opening up a possible can of worms.

Jengnr · 10/12/2013 20:07

Disrespectful my fat arse.

What's disrespectful is treating this person like she didn't matter despite six months of boffing her.

MaidOfStars · 10/12/2013 20:11

Well, all I can say is thank fuck I'm not permanently indebted to every person I've ever spent any length of time boffing, or who has ever declared love.

In fact, the idea that I could be is ludicrous to me.

NumptyNameChange · 10/12/2013 20:15

it was a text message - one in a year. hardly a massive burden.

YellowDinosaur · 10/12/2013 21:09

I agree with pictish. the responses would be totally different in the 2 scenarios she has described.

I don't think she is being stalkerish or selfish however but its a bit strange to get in touch like this after so long. A polite 'thanks but no thanks' text is appropriate assuming your friend no longer wishes to be friends with her.

Mimstar · 10/12/2013 21:14

Perhaps this girl is struggling with her sexuality, and looking for closure? It's not 'the same' at all, maybe this relationship has been a life changing thing for the girl. Your friend should be more respectful!

poopadoop · 10/12/2013 21:26

well if you have a sexual relationship and then 'suspect' the other person of having 'feelings' sounds like your friend is irresponsible and a bit mean.

MaidOfStars · 10/12/2013 21:35

If you have a sexual relationship with a friend, and it appears that after cessation of sexual relations, remaining friends is not an option (due to more intense romantic feelings on one side), then it would be highly advisable and very responsible to break contact.

Which is exactly what OP's friend did.

StealthPolarBear · 10/12/2013 21:47

No, I think a heart to heart is dfinietly not a good thing. I think the OP's friend would secretly quite enjoy the drama. I think her response should be that she's sorry she hurt her ex's feelings and thinks the best thing is no contact - ending wishing her all the best. Which is exactly what I'd want DH to do.

StealthPolarBear · 10/12/2013 21:48

and I'd definitely not be suggesting to DH that he get one of his friends to pick the text to pieces on an internet forum

DoJo · 10/12/2013 22:37

It sounds as though your friend dropped this girl like a hot stone, which is a pretty cruel thing to do to someone that you suspect is in love with you. There is a big difference between breaking off a relationship which has got too intense and leaving someone feeling as though they were just a plaything until a better offer came along. It sounds like it could have become one of those 'friendships' in which the object of the affection dangles their admirer on a string, which happens so often when one party is unceremoniously dumped.
The kinder thing to have done would be to explain that their relationship wasn't working and cut off contact at that point rather than dragging it all out. I think a brief text of apology and wishing her well with the future, but no more, would be appropriate. Entering into a discussion, offering explanations or insincere apologies should be avoided at all costs. FWIW I don't think it's stalkery or creepy that someone who was in love with your friend hasn't resolved their feelings about the end of their relationship - she's obviously still brooding on the way it all happened, so why not at least try to find a way to let it go?

hyenafunk · 10/12/2013 23:22

If I recieved a message like that I would feel a great amount of sympathy and reply kindly to give the poor girl some closure. Obviously this was a big thing for her to do and it's clearly bothered her for almost two years! She probably held back not wanting to seem like a crazy stalker and now look how you've reacted...

Nothing about the girl is stalkerish. She's a girl who basically got into a six month affair, maybe started off casual but she developed feelings. Then your friend ditched her suddenly and she never got closure. Some people need answers to move on. She's left it a long time, it's not as if she's been hounding your friend for the past 2 years!

The kindest thing your friend should do is give her the closure she needs. Even if it's harsh, the girl needs the truth to move forward.

AmberLeaf · 10/12/2013 23:31

It is also possible that the friend is being dismissive of the whole thing because she regrets or is embarrassed about her gay 'foray'

I don't think the girl is selfish or stalkerish, I think your friend sounds a bit selfish actually.

AnAdventureInCakeAndWine · 10/12/2013 23:45

So you think that your friend's feelings are so important that she gets to cut off contact with the other woman , but the other woman's feelings are so unimportant that she shouldn't even be allowed one solitary attempt to say what they are? Your friend gets to do the equivalent of putting her fingers in her ears and going "Lalalalala, I can't hear you and don't want to know what you have to say" and you think the other woman is being "disrespectful" and "selfish"? Also, you think that sending one message in two years counts as "stalkery"?

pictish, I would say exactly the same if it were a bloke. I don't think they can be friends. I don't think they should meet up. But the dumpee sending one message to say "Actually, this is how I felt and how I feel now about how I was treated" is perfectly appropriate. If it carried on repeatedly then it could easily become stalkerish, but on the facts as the OP has given them? Not even vaguely.

sutekidane · 11/12/2013 01:24

I agree with Pictish and maid. If this had been written about a man, the replies would be completely different. If a woman posted saying her former FWB, who she'd had to cut contact with because he clearly had feelings for her after the sex had ended, had messaged out the blue saying he was in love with her (even though she is currently in a relationship) everyone would be saying ignore, don't respond. But because its a woman, it's all "aww you broke her heart, she's so brave messaging you".

AnAdventureInCakeAndWine · 11/12/2013 03:32

There's a difference between "ignore, don't respond" and "it's selfish and stalkerish to have contacted you at all". It's perfectly possible for it to be reasonable for A to contact B and reasonable for B not to respond when A does so.

Joysmum · 11/12/2013 04:22

sutekidane is right.

Whatever her past mistakes, your friend is clearly trying to do the right thing now. If somebody has a relationship that comes to an end then tried to do the letting them down gently thing and remaining friends but suspects the other person is still keen, sure the right thing to do would be to cut that person loose in the hope the other person gets over

Joysmum · 11/12/2013 04:32

....it.

Clearly this still hasn't happened. She quite rightly broke all contact because she feared her friend harboured feeling for her and she was right!

Most of the reactions on here are reacting to the OP's thoughts on the matter, rather than the facts as presented.

I can only think what I'd want if I were the other women and what I'd want if I were the boyfriend. If I were the other woman it would be useful to know there was no chance. She's contacted in the hope of getting back together or getting closure, she needs that text to acknowledge her hurt but that her feelings will never be reciprocated. If I were the boyfriend I'd be happy with that too, but only if she fessed up first as there is no place for secrets in a relationship and to keep secrets is disrespectful to her current relationship. All this happen prior to current relationship but affects it now so the boyfriend has a right to know too.

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