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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that this was really selfish and a little stalkery?

94 replies

GirlNamedParker · 10/12/2013 17:14

Namechanged.

My best friend is in a long term relationship with a man. She told me yesterday that a few years ago she had a 6 month fling with one of her female friends, who she no longer sees. The fling stopped when my best friend met her partner, and yet they continued to be good friends. My best friend yesterday got a message from this girl, after a year of not speaking (my best friend called time when she felt that this girl had secret feelings for her).

The message basically said how she was just wanting closure and to get things off her chest, that she wasn't expecting anything in return but she wanted to tell her she actually had been in love with her and that she was upset that they were no longer friends because of it. That she'd rather be friends than nothing at all.

My friend is feeling a little torn over it, but AIBU to think that this is really selfish of the girl?! And a bit stalkery after not speaking for so long? My best friend is in a long term relationship, I find it really inappropriate and a bit sad tbh.

Friend asked advice and I want to tell her to tell the girl just to not contact her again.

OP posts:

AngelsLieToKeepControl · 10/12/2013 17:43

The woman stays away for a year, then sends one message to try and get some closure for herself after your friend decided she no longer needed to have her around for a little ego boost, and then you and your friend sit and bitch about her and then you come online and start saying she is creepy and selfish.

I can see plenty of wrongdoing in this scenario but none of it from the woman who sent the text.

Delurkedforthis · 10/12/2013 17:43

Almost two years after being told no contact!

But how come your friend gets to call all the shots all the time?

Delurkedforthis · 10/12/2013 17:45

Angels

Hear, fucking hear!

gamerchick · 10/12/2013 17:45

It doesn't matter. Tell her again that contact isn't possible and to leave you alone.

Anything after that... call it what you want.

Booboostoo · 10/12/2013 17:46

Your friend sounds really selfish. So she had a boyfriend and cheated on him with the girl, then after 6 months (hardly a fling!) she dumped the girl for a new guy? I feel sorry for the girl who thinks she loves her, she deserves someone better.

SomethingAboutRadishes · 10/12/2013 17:46

OP: AIBU?
All: Yes.
OP: No I'm not. I'll put it another way so you'll all agree with me.
All: Nope. You're still BU.

Etc etc......

Your friend sounds horrible btw. But I expect I'm being unreasonable :)

AnandaTimeIn · 10/12/2013 17:47

Yes, I agree. I think your friend is the selfish one, carrying on two relationships at the same time.

Very brave of the other girl to come out and say how she felt. Maybe it's because it's the time of year for that. Looking back over the year that will soon be over.

Why would that be stalkerish?!

You do a disservice to those who truely are being stalked.....

KeatsiePie · 10/12/2013 17:47

I don't think it was rude. I have the impression that both you and Friend feel like her six-month thing with Other Girl didn't "count" in any way, either as a romantic relationship or as a friends-with-benefits relationship. But when you get involved with another person, you only get decide whether that involvement "counts" as a relationship for you. You don't get to just decide how much it means or will mean to the other person.

Like it or not, that was a relationship. By definition. They were involved. Friend decided that it didn't count. Fair enough for her to have ended it and cut contact. But it's equally fair for Other Girl to get in touch and say actually, that meant a lot to me, I wish it had ended differently, and I would like us to be friends. It sounds like her text was politely-worded and honest, and, yes, brave.

Inconvenient timing for Friend? Sure. But that's not a big deal. All she has to do is text back, nicely, that she isn't comfortable with being friends but certainly didn't mean to hurt Other Girl and wishes her all the best. It would be the decent thing to do. It won't cost her anything.

I wonder, frankly, if you and Friend have decided that relationship didn't count b/c it was with a woman. Would you or she still feel like the text was rude and stalkerish if it were from a man she'd had a fling on the side with?

And as Sirzy said, the person who really comes off looking bad is Friend. IMO the selfish person is the one who had a 6 month fling whilst in a relationship with someone else - I completely agree. Unless Friend and her boyfriend had an open relationship, then this was tacky, nasty behavior - makes me wonder if Friend is uncomfortable with Other Girl's text b/c Friend is ashamed of having cheated. She should be.

TheOriginalSteamingNit · 10/12/2013 17:48

Yeah, your friend does sound pretty awful, I have to say.
Dumping her for having feelings and 'ordering' no contact and then finding her feelings 'disrespectful' (what is she supposed to respecting here?).

The only surprise is that this other woman doesn't feel she got off rather lightly!

NumptyNameChange · 10/12/2013 17:51

your friend used her for sex on the side of one boyfriend for six months, dumped her when she met this man then dumped her as a friend a couple of years later. your friend must have known she was in love with her but used her like this then kicked her to the curb.

it's pretty clear who the selfish one is.

and to think it's stalkerish or selfish to bravely ask for a chat for closure when you've been heart broken by someone and are trying to process it suggest you and best friend are made for each other.

pictish · 10/12/2013 17:53

So if the ex was a bloke, you'd all be saying the same would you?
If some fuckbuddy bloke wrote a message confessing to have been in love with her, and wanted to meet up just to get things off his chest, you'd all be thinking that was just dandy would you?

Bollocks you would. She's in a relationship now, and it's inappropriate.

OohBridget · 10/12/2013 17:54

girlnamedparker

its irritated you? get over yourself! the girl had strong feelings and it probably all ended abruptly. She contacted your friend so that she could get closure and move on. Blimey

AngelsLieToKeepControl · 10/12/2013 17:54

NumptyNameChange · 10/12/2013 17:54

you might also want to bear in mind how 'disposable' people are to your 'best friend' and how she doesn't mind cheating and lying. also that for a best friend she doesn't tell you much does she? you only just found out about this.

gamerchick · 10/12/2013 17:57

Yes I would feel the same if it was a bloke. Using a friend and discarding them is pretty shitty when it's either sex.

KeatsiePie · 10/12/2013 17:57

pictish yes I would say the same if it were a man. And Other Girl's text didn't say she wanted to meet up to get anything off her chest. It just stated that she'd felt differently about the relationship than Friend had and needed to say so to get some closure, that she didn't expect any reply, and that if possible she would like to be friends. That is not inappropriate.

LessMissAbs · 10/12/2013 17:57

One message after a year offering friendship? Nothing wrong with that. If your friend uses people and then drops them, and cheats, its pretty par for the course.

Normal human emotions, polite, kind message - no, it is your friend's attitude that stinks. Its like she wants people to fight over her, so she can get 'upset'.

pictish · 10/12/2013 17:58

Or if it were your husbands?
If he used to fuck one of his gal pals for fun, and he received that message? You'd all be cheerily ushering him out the door for a heart to heart with her, would you?

I think not.

Sirzy · 10/12/2013 17:59

Gender is irrelevant.

You can't have a 6 month affair and then get upset when the consequences begin to show.

gamerchick · 10/12/2013 17:59

I would expect him to be kind if he behaved like that yes.

pictish · 10/12/2013 18:01

And meanwhile...away from the idealism of the internet, and back in the actuality of the real world....

KeatsiePie · 10/12/2013 18:01

pictish there really wasn't any suggestion from Other Girl that she wanted to meet and talk about it.

My DH and I are both friends with some of our exes, including exes with whom we had "flings" rather than long-term romantic relationships. In all honestly, if he got a text like that I really, truly would say, oh, poor girl, that was brave, sounds like the whole thing was hard on her. I wouldn't rush him out the door to have a heart-to-heart with her, no. But if he wanted to be friends with her I would say that's great. And if he didn't I would expect him to tell her nicely that he wasn't comfortable hanging out but really wished her all the best.

MaidOfStars · 10/12/2013 18:02

OP, I agree with you. Unasked for emotional messages after a period of no contact following a relationship breakup when the target is in a new relationship IS a lot stalkerish.

Delurkedforthis · 10/12/2013 18:03

You're missing the point Pictish. As far as I can see, no one is suggesting that Parker's friend meet up with her former lover. In fact I don't think it would be a good idea. But what is getting right up my nose (and I suspect other people's) is the huffing and puffing about the former lover and calling HER selfish and disrespectful and creepy and lord knows what else.

Binkyridesagain · 10/12/2013 18:06

If it was my husband acting like this 'friend' then I would be seriously looking at what the fuck I had married.

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