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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be unsure about starting a family (VERY long - sorry!)

26 replies

OneMillionScovilles · 10/12/2013 07:46

DH and I have been talking for two or three years about starting a family. We know that IVF +ICSI is pretty much an inevitability for us.

I've been very pro-baby, and more of the day-to-day driver over TTC, although I think long-term he'd probably be more gutted than me if we couldn't have kids. When we met, I was 23 and didn't want kids full stop. I changed my mind in a big way as we became serious, because I saw how much it meant to him, and for the first time I wanted kids (for me, not just to make him happy) because I could see how wonderful it would be to start a family specifically with him.

Over the last few years I've had jobs, but not anything I wouldn't ditch in an instant to raise a family. I've also made a serious rod for my own back with idealistic pre-DC talk of being a SAHM long-term, and even HE-ing. Now I've just accepted a new job, and it's something that could be the start of a really exciting career. I know that by default he will expect me to be the one to give that up in favour of a small DC. (We had to have a few talks before he agreed he's even willing to change his working situation if/when we hit the jackpot so he isn't away 2-3 nights a week as he is atm.)

I do want to have kids with him, but really don't fancy giving up a potentially incredible career before it even really starts. AIBU to now want us to wait another couple of years? Or should I go for it ASAP but abandon my (personal) mummy-idealism if we're lucky enough to be successful?

OP posts:

SarahFx · 10/12/2013 07:49

Well how old are you? That may determine how much extra time you have.

You don't need to be a SAHM, you could juggle childcare and working like lots of other families. It doesn't need to be all or nothing .

CailinDana · 10/12/2013 07:50

What age are you?

CynicalandSmug · 10/12/2013 07:50

I could be very wrong here, but I personally would give it another couple of years. You already have doubts. Parenting is bloody hard, you have to be very sure about it, and going into it wondering 'what if' could lead to a lot of regret and upset.

OrangeMochaFrappucino · 10/12/2013 07:50

Agreed - just because you have said in the past you would stay at home you are allowed to change your mind. Having children doesn't have to end your career.

MortifiedAnyFuckerAdams · 10/12/2013 07:53

Pre DD I was looking forward to being a SAHM. Ten months of maternity put paid to that - I felt at a loss without my job. So if and when you do get pregnant, at least keep your job til the end of Mat Leave, incase you, like me, realise SAHMing isnt for you.

Also, it is totally possible to both work and raise a baby. Lots of people do it, and lots of them because they want to.not because they have to.

OrangeMochaFrappucino · 10/12/2013 07:53

Sorry, meant I agreed with Sarah. I think doubts and uncertainties when it comes to actually taking the plunge and starting a family are totally normal - however 'ready' you feel it's always scary. But don't feel you have to stick to everything you said pre-children, we all change our minds about some things when the reality of it doesn't match up with our rosy idealistic optimism of before!

Ragwort · 10/12/2013 07:59

Agree with others, how old are you? I had a fabulous career, enjoyed it for many years and then had a child at 42 - agree that is not the right choice for everyone but for me I look back on my 'career years' with very fond memories and was happy (and financially in a much better position) to become a SAHM.

BlackholesAndRevelations · 10/12/2013 08:02

If you work at your new job for a year or two you might be then better placed to have a baby and return part time, which might be the ideal balance for you. It is for me! I remember whinging to dp whilst pg with dc1 that I didn't want to work and get someone else to bring up my child etc etc but I've since realised that sah is not for me.

Keep an open mind!

Original poster

OneMillionScovilles · 10/12/2013 08:03

Sarah I'm only 28, so time is still on our side - that said, I don't know how long it takes to get fertility treatment etc...

I know we could juggle, and that's probably what we'll need to do whenever we go for it (DH isn't an investment banker!) - I guess I'm just more concerned about the impracticality of taking the pre-school years (as I would've liked, minimum) vs. just ML now there's a career path I don't want to mess up rather than a job I can just replace when I'm ready, if that makes sense?

That said, I suppose the problem probably stays the same even if we defer by a year or two!

How have others found a happy medium on this?

OP posts:

MummyBeerestCupOfCheerest · 10/12/2013 08:13

I say this as someone who's been there...you won't know what the right thing for your family is until the baby's here.

IME, you can plan your maternity down to every last detail. Then your baby will come. Your whole outlook changes so drastically-cheesy but true.

Keep your options open would be my best advice.

Original poster

OneMillionScovilles · 10/12/2013 08:16

jellyandcake I think you've hit it on the head with rosy idealistic optimism! Even giving it serious pragmatic thought, minus the realities of an actual DC, I can anticipate that I may have to backtrack on a lot of my "Well, when we have kids" type thoughts!

Thank you everyone for not laughing til you fell over at the naïveté that led up to a question like this... (Well, not out loud at least!)

Blackholes, Mortified - do you feel you have a happier balance now even though it's not what you'd played out in your head pre-DC? I'm all about keeping an open mind on these things - they're such huge life choices I don't think it'd be healthy to be rigid in the face of new evidence/info - just hoping to channel the collective experience of MNers I guess!

OP posts:

Original poster

OneMillionScovilles · 10/12/2013 08:20

(Wow, there were a lot of exclamations marks in there. I'm usually much more cynical sounding...)

OP posts:

EqualsX · 10/12/2013 08:56

I don't have any direct advice about whether you should take the plunge now, but having gone through the ICSI route myself I can offer some advice about practicalities and timescale.

If you already have an established cause for infertility then you might get a referral within 6 months to a year, otherwise probably 2 years to confirm that you're eligible and suitable for treatment. Then say 6 months to get going with treatment which lasts 2-3 months. And if things don't work first time then at least 6 months before you can get going again.

It wasnt brilliantly simple for me to juggle the treatment with work (you and DH will need days off at v short notice and I was also miserable and ill on the jabs for a few months) - I wouldnt have liked to combine it with a brand new job as I wasn't exactly an exemplary colleague! On the other hand, if we'd have waited any longer then i'd have been nudging 35 by the time I actually got pregnant, and for IVF that seems to be a big cut-off point in terms of the stats for success.

FruitSaladIsNotPudding · 10/12/2013 09:14

The problem will still be there if you defer, but you will be in a stronger position if your career has started - he will be less likely to assume you are the one to give up your job.

I am a sahm, but the more I look at it, the more I realise that there just isn't a perfect solution. I love being at home, but I plan to retrain and start in a career in a few years - it's going to mean juggling, but I've realised that I can't not have my own life, my own thing to do.

It's a really difficult call, but I think in your position I would work for a couple of years, really try to get your career off the ground, and then re assess. If you have to go down the route of both working and being skint for a few years because of paying for childcare, so be it. Plenty of people do it.

I just think if you give up this oppurtunity now, you will have a lot of what ifs to live with. Children are gorgeous, wonderful, fulfilling, but for many (maybe even most) women, they are not enough on their own. Perhaps it's what our culture tells us to think, I don't know, but I do know I would be miserable as a sahm if I didn't have a long term career plan also.

Original poster

OneMillionScovilles · 10/12/2013 09:19

Thanks EqualsX - as I mentioned briefly upthread that's a big unknown for us, so really helpful to get a realistic idea of timescales from someone who's been through it. We had a hunch it could be a year or two before we were even at POAS stage which partially accounts for the reluctance to defer further - however, from your comment and a couple of others it sounds like it might make sense to get settled in the new job first. Certainly don't think I'd have the nerve to tell my brand new boss I needed time off for fertility treatment before I'd established a decent relationship with her...(!)

We have an established cause of infertility, just doing the rest of the basic fertility MOTs atm so that our referral hopefully flags any and all obvious issues, not just the first they found. Should have the results and referral letter before Christmas (although no idea how long it then takes to see a specialist in our area). Fingers crossed...

OP posts:

HermioneWeasley · 10/12/2013 09:25

If having a family means a lot to him then he needs to rethink how he works so you can both have a fulfilling career, since that matters to you. You have every right to enjoy a career and financial earnings in your own right.

If he's not willing to do that, then he's not the right person to have kids with as it is HARD even in the most loving and supportive partnerships.

Mumsyblouse · 10/12/2013 10:03

I know that by default he will expect me to be the one to give that up in favour of a small DC. (We had to have a few talks before he agreed he's even willing to change his working situation if/when we hit the jackpot so he isn't away 2-3 nights a week as he is atm.)

Why?

I think you need to start questioning this assumption. If you love your job/career and he does too, why will you be the one to sacrifice this and why is this just assumed by him?

Sorry, but I think this rings alarm bells. There's no reason his career is more important, just because he's the man!

If you are happy between you for you to step back, fine, but it sounds to me like you want flexibility- perhaps go back, perhaps stay home a couple of years, and my fear is that it is very hard to have a career and children anyway- you need 100% support at home and someone who values this as much as you value it for yourself. I'm not sure you have that.

Original poster

OneMillionScovilles · 10/12/2013 15:20

Hermione, Mumsy - I think this comes in part from the fact that we've both always seen his work as a 'career' whilst mine has been a 'job'. Not even to do with the relative salaries (mine's been as high or higher at times) - I've just always had far more of a work-to-live than live-to-work attitude, whereas it's a struggle to get him to leave his CrackBerry alone and he clearly gets twitchy with too much time off.

(I know DCs really aren't 'time off' - I suppose what I really mean is that he's always needed to work OOH to stay happy.) I don't want to pull a 'bait and switch' on him, but equally agree with posters saying I want to keep my options open re. returning to work.

Maybe we just need a fresh conversation about balancing our childcare so it's a truly shared responsibility - I don't want him to feel like I've moved the goalposts, but better to risk that now than later! He's been v supportive of the new job so far; hopefully he'll see the benefits of me getting established there before we make the huge commitment to fertility treatment.

OP posts:

HesterShaw · 10/12/2013 15:27

If you are serious about having the fertility treatment, start now and don't delay. I am 39 in April and only now after years of waiting getting my first shot at IVF (though this is NHS, and I don't know how you stand financially). We did a 18 months TTC from 34, realised there was a problem, went to the GP, waited for a referral.....and waited.....and waited...had the initial appointment.....waited for the investigations....waited....waited.....had them....waited for the follow up appointment......and so on on. You get the picture. I am now of an age when one round of IVF is very unlikely to work. But it's all I've got.

Crack on with it now to give yourself some more time.

You can sort everything else out as you go along.

Ephiny · 10/12/2013 15:42

It would be an issue for me that he's not prepared to really consider the possibility of letting childcare have an impact on his career.

Not that either of you necessarily need to stay home or give up your careers, but surely parenting together is all about compromise and flexibility and supporting each other (in whatever way makes sense for your family at a given time). That doesn't mean everything has to be 50/50 all the time, but it does mean being willing to compromise when necessary, and not automatically dumping all the childcare responsibility onto one partner.

HesterShaw · 10/12/2013 15:52

And remember, not everyone has to have kids.

BikeRunSki · 10/12/2013 18:47

Take the job, build a career. If you have fertility issues you may never have a baby. If a baby does come along, then decide whether to leave, work pt, use childcare.

sandfrog · 10/12/2013 20:47

Go for the fertility treatment now. It may work straight away, or it could take years for you to be successful, if at all. If you're fortunate enough for it to work quickly, you still have decades ahead of you in which you can build up your career. If it takes a long time or you hit problems, then you may well be glad you started trying sooner rather than later, and your job will be there until you hopefully have good luck.

bronya · 10/12/2013 21:01

Why not put your name down on the IVF list (it's a two year wait around here!), have the baby and then see how you feel? Many career mums change their minds on the arrival of their newborn and want to stay at home. Many don't, and find childcare that will enable them to following their careers as well as being a mum. You have a choice!

DziezkoDisco · 10/12/2013 21:09

Hester, make sure you have acupuncture if you are having ivf, its been clinically proven to help increase your chance of it working.

OP - if you want DC it is best not too delay at all if you can help it.

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