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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

walking round town with no reigns on my 19 month old.

88 replies

feepea · 09/12/2013 00:17

My 19 month old son was taken out by his dad to town (my ex) I asked him to take reigns but he refused.when he came back he said he held onto him by his hood. He generally has no idea and this bothers me a lot. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

monicalewinski · 09/12/2013 09:17

Massively on the fence tbh.

If you have decided that he should be on reins, then his dad should really respect your strong feelings on it and use reins.

With regard to reins in general, I am genuinely at the very strong reactions to not using reins on here (have not been on MN long, so this is the first reins thread I've seen).
I didn't use reins once with my boys, never saw the need tbh. Milly - you asked you pay for shopping etc without letting go of a hand? Well, "I let go of a hand" is the simple answer. I used to stand them next to me and they would hold onto my knee or something so that I could feel them there without physically holding on to them. When I was pushing the pram with the baby, my 3 yr old walked next to it holding on to the side of the handle. If I was going to be out for a long time we'd take a buggy when they were small, but from about 2 we just walked and held hands.

Saying that, I am only 5' 2" so it was probably easier for me to hold their hands tbh as I was not stooping or stretched at all.

arethereanyleftatall · 09/12/2013 09:18

Jrmumma- I guess it's because it's looks a bit like you've got your child chained like an animal. But its an odd thing to judge. Personally, I don't use reinsd but would never judge anyone who did. There's reasons for and against.

fluffyraggies · 09/12/2013 09:19

sirzy - i agree with you on principal. However the very short OP only tells us that OP regularly uses reigns, and that the X took him out but ''generally has no idea''.

In my mind i'm picturing the child as a bolter, and that perhaps the X doesn't have much input with the boy. Under those circs. i'd be a bit worried if my X took the boy out without his reigns.

I could be wrong of course ... there's not much more to go on

fluffyraggies · 09/12/2013 09:24

Thebody - my eldest DD was about 10 days old when the news broke about James Bulger being kidnapped and killed. I remember being in bits about it in front of the telly and wondering what the hell i'd just done - bringing a child into such a god awful world.

Not relevant to the thread - just sharing a memory :(

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 09/12/2013 09:29

I actually found reins useful but it's annoying when the child hangs down off them so I can see why some people don't like them. You're not unreasonable to ask your ex to use them but ultimately it's his decision.

SaucyJack · 09/12/2013 09:30

Whether you like it or not, it's his child as much as yours and he has as much right as you to make his own parenting choices.

FWIW, I never used reins either. My DD loathed them, and trying to get her to walk with them on only made a bad situation worse.

3bunnies · 09/12/2013 09:31

I only used reins with dd1, but I did once put them on her when she was in reception - she ran ahead up a hill when I had dd2 in pushchair and ds in sling and started to cross a road. I probably should be chucked off MN for putting them on a school aged child but it was just for a few minutes and she has never bolted again. Dd2 was so timid that she would hide between me and the pushchair and with ds he is my youngest so by the time he was walking out without a pushchair the others were in school and fairly responsible.

If your son is a bolter then reins are the best option and YANBU even if people do make comments about being dogs etc. If it is more of a precaution with no evidence then her father does need to be able to take responsibility for him and make decisions. dh for example rarely takes anything for ds such as pushchair or scooter and relies on him to walk/ shoulder rides. It all depends on your son and what he is like. I know that all children can be unpredictable but reins aren't compulsory like car seats.

TinyTear · 09/12/2013 09:34

we have one of those littlelife bee backpacks and my 22 month old knows that bee back pack means she walks...

she loves it... i have her off the reins in the park and on very quiet streets but tell her over and over again that if she doesn't have the backpack she holds the pram or holds my hand...

i would rather have people looking at me for my poor child have reins that having a squashed child

JRmumma · 09/12/2013 10:31

No it doesn't matter what people may say about reigns, i absolutely couldn't care less what other people think of my parenting choices. I was just asking what the comments about reigns were because i didn't know.

When the time comes i will probably use reigns for walking near roads and busy places such as shopping centres and if anyone thinks in treating my son like a chained up animal then all i can say is they had better not tell me unless they want to be put straight!

TwoShakesOfaWhiskersTail · 09/12/2013 11:11

I think it is important for a child to walk and feel their own body and even fall occasionally - putting your hands out to break a fall is a reflex and children should be able to experience this.
it's good for them to be aware of their own bodies - instead of being yanked back at the slightest hint of imbalance.

I gave my ds plenty of opportunities to do this but near a road or busy shopping area then he wore reigns.
Keeping him safe trumps experiencing body awareness!!!

HanneHolm · 09/12/2013 11:12

monarchs reign, kids or horses have REINS FFS PEOPLE

ShylaMcClaus · 09/12/2013 11:24

Minisoks yes the reins for little ones often clip at the back I had forgotten. I was just making the point that grabbing a coat hood on an emergency has been known to fail when the coat has been unzipped A clip is safer front or back.

PrimalLass · 09/12/2013 11:27

I never used reigns, ever.

MammaTJ · 09/12/2013 11:30

I found reins put DD1 too much in charge of leading where we went, so we never got to where we needed to go. Much better to just hold her hand not her hood and strangle her imo.

DD2 was better on reins though and I would have hated the thought of her being walked around without them, as she is even at 8 was a bolter!

monkeynuts123 · 09/12/2013 11:52

I held their hands, that was it. No holding by the hood because it doesn't teach them to hold hands - doh! No reins needed unless you have a serial bolter! The dad needs to be reined in though!

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 09/12/2013 11:56

DD was a lazy madam and didnt like to walk much but when she did she was usually happy to hold my hand or at least walk next to me. I usually had the reins with me just in case and they were a great deterrent 'hold mummy's hand or the reins go on!"

DS is a different kettle of fish altogether. 2 and a half and will not hold hands for long but is getting better. the backpack with lead is a godsend. whoever invented the concept I could kiss them. He loves to walk but has absolutely no concept of danger or even caution like his older sister did at this age and would easily get lost/runover if I gave him the same freedom. I do not ever "yank him up" by the straps but i have pulled him back before when he nearly got hit a street sweeper at the side of the road. It keeps him safe, thats the main thing. Yes he falls down sometimes but he's fine.

OP only you know your ex. I think holding his hood is daft. my own toddler would hate that. Very restricting.

MrsMook · 09/12/2013 12:08

I'd say YANBU as he felt the need to hold on with the hood. Reins are a better method than the hood.

The need for reins depends very much on the needs of the child and the place they are in. I started with reins with DS1, but stopped using them shortly after he turned 2, as I needed crutches and the swing of the crutches and the reins made it very difficult for both of us. I was unable to push the pram or trolleys, so he had to walk everywhere and he's become very good at staying close, and listening to instructions. The area we live in is quiet with grass verges between the pavement and road. When we are in town, it's pedestrianised. The busier it is the closer he stays. If he messes around, he goes in the sling. If I try to use reins with the pram, I constantly run over him with the wheels.
I may not be able to treat DS2 in the same way.

BertieBowtiesAreCool · 09/12/2013 12:20

Reins are completely different to holding a hood. Most hoods of coats can "pop" off, a safety feature in case the child gets it caught on something.

When the coat/hoodie is not done up the child can easily slip out of it towards the road!

Finally the hood is attached at the neck meaning it is uncomfortable and potentially dangerous to pull on it with any kind of pressure.

I did grab a hood as an emergency sometimes when crossing roads but I wouldn't recommend it as a method.

Why doesn't he take a buggy?

BertieBowtiesAreCool · 09/12/2013 12:22

I never used reins, just hands, and pushchair, so I don't think they are necessary but toddlers are unpredictable and you NEED some form of restraint.

DeWe · 09/12/2013 12:28

Dd1 loved her reins. She would ask to wear them. She liked the feeling of freedom without the total independance. She wore them well past the time she needed to because she wanted them on.

Dd2 hated them. As soon as they were on all she would do would pull her feet up so she dangled by them. I was surprised, because she only had one hand, so this meant that she had to use her one hand to hold onto me. Her favourite trick with them on was to run spin round then lift her feet up giving herself a spinning swing by the reins.

Ds was okay with them. Not terribly keen, but preferred them to going in the buggy. But holding the hood (hood firmly attached) actually worked better for him in some ways because a hand on his hood seemed to remind him better not to bolt.

UriGeller · 09/12/2013 12:33

They both came back in one piece. I think you have to bite your lip otherwise you're going o come across as controlling.

He's his dad and has as much right to take his son out without reins as you do to use them.

leonardofquirm · 09/12/2013 21:33

we still always do holding hands, I just have the reins in my hand as backup in case of bolting!

MILLYMOLLYMANDYMAX · 09/12/2013 23:42

Must just have been my children Monica as there is no way I could let go of a hand and expect them to stand still besides me. They worked out that if they suddenly ran in different directions I couldn't chase both of them. I didn't use just reins, I teamed them with nice long extendable dog leads.

monicalewinski · 10/12/2013 00:02

Dog leads!! [fgrn]

To be fair Milly, mine weren't bolters so reins just never occured to me - we also lived in a quiet wee town when they were small, too.

(And no internet to make me second guess every parenting decision, thank god!).

jellybeans · 10/12/2013 00:03

YANBU I would hate that. I used reins with DS3 till 3 year 7m as he is a bolter. At 5 he still has to hold hands need the road. Not worth the risk. If you can keep a child safer then I would always do it. Easy to slate reins if you never had a bolter. Mrs Presley's terrible story also stayed with me and her bravery in speaking about it could well have saved many lives.

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