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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for this money back, i feel i am but dont know what else to do?

34 replies

Vix1980 · 08/12/2013 16:11

So basically a family member got married last may, not long before i had recieved an inheritance, not much but a bit that id never had before.

I find this person has booked a honeymoon away but was going without any spending money, so i offered to lend them a bit (£200), on the provision they would pay me back a few months later once they were back and settled (it was said by august). a few days later, this same person asks if they could lend a bit more so it came to £450 that i gave them.

They go away, have a lovely time and come back thanking me constantly saying they wouldnt have had a wonderful time if it hadnt of been for the money i had given them. i feel all wonderful for doing something nice.

By july i get a phone call from the family member asking could they pay me back by september instead as he had just been taken on permanently in his job so would have a better income then. i say yes, no problems, i didnt have tons of money myself but certainly wasnt struggling. fast forward a week and the same person has a heart attack, weeks go by and he was off work for quite a while, not on full pay yet so by the time he gets better and is back in work (only 3 weeks ago now) they probably have bills which have accumulated, the thing is though i lent them the money thinking i would have it back in time to buy ds his christmas presents, i have a few bits for him but im actually struggling myself now, im so far in my overdraft now when id managed to pay it off, I am living week to week so the money would ease a little pressure on me.

I feel like a bitch though for even thinking of asking for it back, ive learnt my lesson though never a borrower or a lender be is so true! what do you think, should i just ask or leave it a while and carry on the way i am for a month or 2, at least get christmas out of the way and make do with what i can for now?

OP posts:
RedLondonBus · 08/12/2013 16:14

Ask for it.... But offer to have half now and half in new year?

EvaBeaversProtege · 08/12/2013 16:23

It's yours. You're entitled to it back.

Bowlersarm · 08/12/2013 16:26

You have been more than generous, both in loaning the money and extending the time to pay it back.

You need to ask for it back now. It's yours. You have been very kind and generous, and they need to respect that and pay you back.

lisad123everybodydancenow · 08/12/2013 16:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhoNickedMyName · 08/12/2013 16:31

There will always be some reason why it's not a great time for them to pay you back.

Lets face it, someone who has booked a honeymoon but doesn't have any spending money isn't on sharpest form when it comes to their finances.

Ask for it back, give them a deadline, and in response to any excuses tell them repeatedly "sorry that doesn't work for me, I need it back by X date".

BohemianGirl · 08/12/2013 16:33

You can ask for it back, but they probably won't have the money and are going to have a rubbish Christmas themselves. You have to be prepared to be seen as 'the bad guy' - I know its your money but illness/reduced income/Christmas - you could end up being falling out with your extended family over this.

I suppose the real question is: are they able to pay it back at the moment?

Original poster
Vix1980 · 08/12/2013 16:36

True, i know your all right its just working up the courage as i can expect ill get the "but hes been ill thing" thrown in my face, we have always got on really well which is why i didnt hesitate to loan it to him, but yep, i dont think its fair im suffering while im owed money, just couldnt see if i was being a bitch or not.

whonickedmyname your so right, to be honest if i told you the place they had booked to go to with no spends, you would laugh yourself stupid, its just ridiculous really which is why i felt so sorry for them both. lets just say its not exactly benidorm but more a 7 hour flight and where you visit lots of different parks each day!

OP posts:
Original poster
Vix1980 · 08/12/2013 16:38

bohemiam thats the thing, i can ask but i doubt they even have it themselves right before christmas and im worried about adding on pressure at this time asking for money.

But i may say listen im struggling myself right now, i can carry on like this for a bit longer but say by the end of february i will need it back by then. doubt id get it before anyway so at least i'll be able to look forward to then knowing i will have it back by then, fingers crossed!

OP posts:
BohemianGirl · 08/12/2013 16:53

Any way you could implement a payment plan? £450 is a lot of money - £45 for 10 months or £90 for 5 months?

dustarr73 · 08/12/2013 17:00

Just get something off them even if it means a payment plan.But make it worth your while no point getting it back in drips and srabs.£150 now and £100 a month till its paid.

Original poster
Vix1980 · 08/12/2013 17:05

The original plan was for them to save up for 3 months and pay me it all in 1 go, which i was happy with, i know if i get it back in bits it'll go towards stupid things, I would rather them say yes to february paying it or at least most of it back.

I suppose ill just have to ask them and see what they can come up with themselves anyway. dont think the 45 a month would help me though as i need to pay bills and stuff to, and that money would have really not made me worry as much this christmas. Guess it cant be helped, its just an awkward horrible conversation to have which is why i have kind of put it off for a bit.

OP posts:
MammaTJ · 08/12/2013 17:11

I can see their side as well as yours. They have been ill and may not have the money to let you have back, in spite of their best intentions.

Although, of course, you have ben very kind, first in lending them the money and in extending the time they had to give it you back. You now need the money!

BUT, quite honestly, in the circumstances you describe, they may not have it. What are they meant to do-pull it out of their arse?

HappyCliffmas · 08/12/2013 17:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Breadkneadslove · 08/12/2013 17:33

I think there are two ways to approach this, the first is to be honest with them, go round for a cuppa and talk it through with them, explain your situation and ask them what their plan is for paying it back and hopefully you can resolve this amicably and within a timescale that suits you both, keeping in mind that you are unlikely to see it this side of Christmas.

The other option is based on advice that my nan gave me which was 'don't lend money unless you are in a position to give that money away' hope this makes sense. So it depends entirely on your situation and whether you would be happy to just gift them the money.

Best of luck sorting it out.

kitsmummy · 08/12/2013 17:37

They sound like spongers, borrowing in the first place, then asking for more and then asking to extend the loan term (before he had the heart attack).

Ask for it back, I suspect that if he hadn't have had the heart attack you still wouldn't have seen any of this money yet

PurplePidjin · 08/12/2013 18:04

Dp had a stroke just after Christmas last year. Things have been extremely tough financially among other shitness.

I would be absolutely mortified to find out that borrowed money had been forgotten and make sure i repaid you as soon as possible. Have a quiet word, everyone has their own troubles and it's immensely selfish of them to assume theirs somehow trump yours.

Bogeyface · 08/12/2013 18:10

I have to agree with Kits sounds to me like you would have been fighting to get this money back either way. As a PP said, some who books to go to Florida with no spending money is used to living beyond their means and will not consider your loan to be in anyway a priority.

Bogeyface · 08/12/2013 18:10

I meant to say, you can ask but dont expect to see a penny of it back.

TheHeadlessLadyofCannock · 08/12/2013 18:13

Ask for however much you need to allow for a decent Christmas for you and your DS, and a payment plan for the rest.

Original poster
Vix1980 · 09/12/2013 12:35

Thanks everyone, I called last night but didnt get an answer (i know they work crazy hours so dont think they are avoiding me as ive spoken to them loads recently). So i sent a text this morning, just saying i know things have been tough recently but now im struggling too. I dont expect you to pay me back instantly but could you at least let me know when you would be able to start so i can budget myself until then?

Not had a reply back yet, but fingers crossed. I do agree though why anyone would book to go to florida is beyond me with no spending money at all. There in their 50's too so there plan was to sit by the pool all day and live off $25 dollars a day. Which is why i felt so sorry at the time for them.

Nobody else in my family knows that i have loaned them it, if they did they would go mad at me, and probably at them for not paying me back. At the end of the day now though they both work full time, both earn a wage, both smoke so can always cut back if need be. I work 2 days a week and most of that goes on nursery fees. I cant get him what i wanted for christmas so will have to make do with bits and bobs, i know they arent out spending constantly but the more i think about it, the more i get angry that theyve not even mentioned the money at all to me since his heart attack, that was nearly 3/4 months ago so i hope they dont think i have forgotten all about it.

OP posts:
FryOneFatManic · 09/12/2013 12:41

I reckon they do think you've forgotten about it.

If they've managed to reach their 50s and have this attitude to money, you're going to have to get tough.

Don't say that you need the money for Xmas presents. Just highlight that bills need to be paid and that you had budgeted for the money to be returned by September.

Bogeyface · 09/12/2013 12:42

I would be inclined to mention it to whoever in your family will make sure everyone knows about it. You did a nice thing for someone and they are taking the piss, why should you cover up for them? Perhaps a bit of family pressure will cause them to cough up.

Melonbreath · 09/12/2013 12:43

They haven't forgotten about it, they are hoping you have.
All you can do is keep asking, until they either pay it back or you wave a small claims form at them.
It is awful about the heart attack but you have been more than patient and understanding

Original poster
Vix1980 · 09/12/2013 12:49

bogeyface i thought the same thing this morning to be honest. I was on the edge of telling my mum , I know for a fact if she found out she would give me the money back herself and they would have to pay her back, theres no way they could get out of it as she will go on and on until she gets what is owed to her.

Then she'd come round and give me an earful asking me what the hell I was doing loaning him the money in the first place!!

I dont want to do this to them as im still on good terms with them, i dont want it to turn nasty, but i know if need be this is an option for me.

Still no reply to my text though

OP posts:
TheHeadlessLadyofCannock · 09/12/2013 12:49

I agree with Bogey, mention it to people who will rally to help you get it back by exerting pressure and making them feel (rightly) ashamed.

I wouldn't rely on texts. They're too easy to ignore. Keep ringing. I think you also need to set a firm deadline – of whatever date, but before Christmas – for a first instalment to be paid back. I'd also mention at this point that you will take it to Small Claims if you don't get back the agreed amount by x date.

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