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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that if you choose to attend a church service.....

32 replies

Goldmandra · 07/12/2013 22:22

....you should be willing to show some respect?

I've been to two services in the past 48 hours and at both I have marvelled at the rudeness of some parents.

Yesterday was DD2's school Christmas service in the town's abbey.

There was a group of about ten women seated a few rows in front of me who chatted and laughed all through the service. One of them allowed her pre-schooler to shout loudly and climb on the laps of the school children in the pews and they all remained seated and continued chatting when we were all asked to stand and sing carols.

Today I helped out at a Church Christmas workshop put on free by volunteers for local children.

Some parents stayed to supervise their own children which was great. After the craft activities we were all asked to sit together to listen to the vicar talking about the meaning of Christmas in a very child friendly way, say a prayer and, again, sing some carols.

A group of six mums refused to stop chatting and come to join us. They stayed at the table with their children and carried on chatting and laughing loudly even though they were asked very politely to stop because they were drowning out the vicar.

So why come to services like this if you don't want to participate? Why is it OK to be so rude?

I get that some people don't want to do religion at Christmas but if that's the case why do church based activities?

OP posts:
cheval1980 · 07/12/2013 22:30

Maybe they are just there because they need to get their kids into the local school that discriminates against the unreligious?

DiseasesOfTheSheep · 07/12/2013 22:31

Eh? How odd. I don't get it either, and for the record, am not in anyway religious of in possession of a faith (other than my faith in the spirit of Christmas, but that's another matter!). Very rude to drown out the vicar / presiding person at such an event.

Sirzy · 07/12/2013 22:32

Yanbu, even if you don't believe yourself if you go to a church service you either take part or sit quietly and respect the fact that others don't want to listen to you.

Original poster
Goldmandra · 07/12/2013 22:32

Maybe they are just there because they need to get their kids into the local school that discriminates against the unreligious?

It's not a religious school. No discrimination. Admission criteria is based on catchment, nothing else.

OP posts:
Annunziata · 07/12/2013 22:33

YANBU, it really upsets me when that happens.

FudgefaceMcZ · 07/12/2013 22:39

I had to take my younger daughter to my older daughter's carol service (she is in choir), because I am a single parent and her dad is 1. not in the same city and 2. was actually not even in the same country due to a relative with cancer. I'd like to know how I could actually prevent a preschooler from talking too loudly or acting daft? Do you suggest gagging or what? Clearly just looking apologetic and threatening to take her out is not sufficient if you believe people can completely control their preschoolers behaviour Hmm. Or do you think I should have let an 11 year old get the bus home from the town centre to a small village on her own in the dark with no parent attending her carol service?

Churches are for children just as much as adults, ffs. You aren't Jesus, don't tell people how to act in his house.

VerucaInTheNutRoom · 07/12/2013 22:41

Religious or otherwise, it sounds like they could all do with a lesson in basic good manners.

Sirzy · 07/12/2013 22:41

If you can't bribe encourage your pre-school age child to sit quietly then surely the polite thing is to leave and wait outside?

People are there to listen to the children singing not your pre-school child shouting.

peachysnail · 07/12/2013 22:42

But fudge face the op said the mums were rude and chatting also. A church is a religious building and whether Christian or not, respect should be shown

JanetAndRoy · 07/12/2013 22:42

Fudgeface, I don't think the OP's issue is with the young children, but with the disrespectful parents.

Annunziata · 07/12/2013 22:43

You give the preschooler a book or a toy that will keep them quiet, give them a drink, distract them, and if none of that works you take them out.

I take it you aren't Jesus either Fudgeface?

Viewofthehills · 07/12/2013 22:46

Fudgeface- lots of us have been there and done that. It is usually perfectly possible to keep preschoolers quiet enough to watch a play or carol service.
If they won't stay quiet you take them out or stand at the back. You don't ruin it for everyone else.

Original poster
Goldmandra · 07/12/2013 22:51

I'd like to know how I could actually prevent a preschooler from talking too loudly or acting daft?

They left the child to her own devices and completely ignored the fact that she was climbing all over the school children. Wouldn't you have made an effort to stop your child doing that? They most certainly weren't looking apologetic because they were too busy chatting it was clear that taking her our couldn't have been further from their minds.

The child wasn't at fault in the slightest. Nobody was teaching her how to behave appropriately. It was the adults whose behaviour was rude. They were the ones who talked over everything, including the children, not their own I assume, doing the readings.

OP posts:
gwenniebee · 07/12/2013 22:51

Churches are for children just as much as adults, ffs. Of course, but you should show respect for whoever is leading the service/group/session whatever you want to call it, just the same as you would if you were attending a group at a children's centre or a library or wherever.

And, fwiw, I take my toddler along each week to a "session" where she has to be quiet - it happens to be church, but actually it makes no difference to my point as it could as easily be an older sibling's school assembly or something. I provide quiet things for her to play with, let her wander around a bit at the back and so on, and if she gets too loud, I take her out.

OP, yanbu. I am Shock that parents think this is acceptable.

Original poster
Goldmandra · 07/12/2013 22:55

Churches are for children just as much as adults, ffs.

The children at this mornings workshop were behaving very appropriately. It was, again, the adults who were chatting and refusing to participate, disrupting what the majority of the children were trying to listen to.

OP posts:
Mosschops30 · 07/12/2013 22:58

I thought this thread was going to be about me Hmm
My two were like animals at Mass tonight despite me taking sticker books Blush (or they would be even worse)
I nearly left halfway throughHmm
It's embarrassing when your kids play up in church

phantomnamechanger · 07/12/2013 23:02

YANBU, people are just so rude these days, I have even seen parents answering their mobile phone loudly in school assembly/plays, not embarrassed or apologetic at all. One time the woman was fumbling in her bag for the phone for what seemed like ages, she was stood right by the door but made no effort to run out to stop the disruption/distraction she was causing.

Original poster
Goldmandra · 07/12/2013 23:04

It's embarrassing when your kids play up in church

I've been there too Mosschops. It would have been clearly obvious to those around you that you were trying to keep your DCs engaged and I doubt very much that you were having a good gossip throughout the service yourself.

I firmly believe that children learn how to behave well in church by being there and they should always be welcomed, even when they're being noisy and fidgety. You can only do so much to keep them quiet.

I just wish the parents I've described had given two hoots about their child's behaviour or their own.

OP posts:
Annunziata · 07/12/2013 23:06

All of my children have had their moments in Mass, mosschops, one of my sons once crawled under the pews and sprinted down to the altar Blush

They have to learn, as long as their parents are trying to deal with them the majority of people will put up with a little bit of noise. Any parent will understand!

IneedAwittierNickname · 07/12/2013 23:07

At dcs school, letters about plays ask us to leave younger siblings with someone else if at all possible,or to take them out if they become too disruptive.
If you have a disruptive child with you the ht gives you her death stare accross the room, if that doesn't work she comes and asks you to leave.

Regarding the church workshop, was it made clear before attending that there was a religious element to it? I know that sounds like a stupid question, seeing as it was held in a church, but my local community centre is in a building attached to a church, but we were always told that the toddler group and various other child activities were NOT associated with the church in any way. Then at the toddler Christmas party there was a play, during which we were told that if we didn't believe in Jesus we would go to hell! I'm a Christian, and I was horrified by it

ethelb · 07/12/2013 23:08

I dont think the fact that it is church has got much to do with it tbh.

If you behaved like the loud women did in a completely secular concert or lecture then it would be completely unacceptable. They sound quite controlling tbh.

Mosschops30 · 07/12/2013 23:08

SmileSmile Feel a bit better now.
People were actually lovely and gave me that look that says 'been there, got the tshirt'

phantomnamechanger · 07/12/2013 23:08

Then at the toddler Christmas party there was a play, during which we were told that if we didn't believe in Jesus we would go to hell! I'm a Christian, and I was horrified by it
I would have been too, how inappropriate - the stuff that gets us all a bad name

StealthPolarBear · 07/12/2013 23:11

that sad Ineed :( Siblings are welcome at DS's plays, it's a community affair

ErrolTheDragon · 07/12/2013 23:14

agree with ethel - the grown-ups were just bad-mannered.