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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel bad being on benefits and the housing register?

40 replies

Chelsealady · 07/12/2013 21:32

Im probably digging myself a big whole and going to get some negative comments but hey ho I would like the advise.

Im 19 and gave birth to my little girl last week. Before i was pregnant I had a stable job and lived with my DP but he walked out on me at 32 weeks and I left my job just before finding out I was pregnant as I was due to go traveling.

Im currently living with my mum and little brother (haven't lived here since I was 13 I moved in with my nan) and im in the smallest room in the house. Iv been on the housing register since 4 months pregnant and now baby is here they have phoned me to say I can bid on 2 bedroom flats in my area.

My point is do I really deserve to? The reason that im thinking this is because my mum has had a very bad drinking problem since I was young she stopped when my brother was born for 2 years then started again he is now 8. I told her if she wants to be a part of DDs life she must stop and has done for 2 weeks. She has also said I can have her room which means I can put my cot up.

Do I turn bidding on flats down and withdraw my application as there are people out there a lot worse off than me. Or do I take this opportunity?

OP posts:
17leftfeet · 07/12/2013 21:36

Get bidding!

How long are you planning on sharing a room with your baby? Till they are 10?

You would be mad to turn down the opportunity

Vampyreof · 07/12/2013 21:38

You shouldn't feel bad or like you have to justify yourself, I think you'd be more comfortable in your own space.

sunseasurf · 07/12/2013 21:39

I agree.

You need to establish a home for you and dd. Drink problems like your mothers don't disappear in 2 weeks.

Good luck finding a home and congrats on your baby girl!

PointyChristmasFairyWand · 07/12/2013 21:42

Get bidding. Get yourself settled, then you have a base from which to rebuild your life. People like you are what state support is for - you tried to do the right thing and you were let down. Getting a secure home is a first step, then you can start looking at your options. Obviously your mum is not a childcare option with her drinking, so it may take some time until you can find work that will allow you to be better off than benefits once you include the cost of childcare, commuting etc., but you have the right attitude. Don't let anyone judge you.

PansOnFire · 07/12/2013 21:42

You need your own space, with or without your mum's drinking, things change massively when you have your own child and as time goes on you'll really need your own space. Living with parents is often difficult when you have a baby, I'd go now whilst the situation is pleasant rather than waiting for something to force you to move out.

Don't question the rights or wrongs of it. You have the opportunity, grab it with both hands and create a lovely home for you and your baby.

RubyrooUK · 07/12/2013 21:43

Get bidding.

In my view, benefits and subsidised housing are there to help you take the next steps to building a sustainable income and life. It sounds like where you are is quite a difficult environment. Make your own home with your daughter, then try to build your life from there so you can leave the benefits behind at some point and have a flourishing career and happy life.

Good luck. (And congratulations on your baby.)

CharlieAlphaKiloEcho · 07/12/2013 21:44

I think you should take an offer of your own place.

You need a safe place you and your daughter above all else. And you can still support your mum and brother from a distance.

PointyChristmasFairyWand · 07/12/2013 21:45

I just realised I made that sound as if I believe most people are on the fiddle - I don't. I just believe that bad things happen to good people a lot more often that many people think. Blush

stubbornstains · 07/12/2013 21:46

This is what happens when society is constantly drip fed hateful propaganda about "scroungers". People in genuine need are carrying a huge burden of guilt and shame for being in that situation- as if their life wasn't tough enough anyway.

You deserve a flat. As do all the people worse off than you.

TwattyBojangles · 07/12/2013 21:46

Bid bid bid. Your baby won't be a baby forever, and you have to work on building a stable environment for both of you. It's not easy being on benefits and the housing register (I know, I'm on both) but it's a means to an end for you and your daughter.

creighton · 07/12/2013 21:47

if you get home for yourself and your baby, you will be able to help your brother later on. get out of your mother's home as soon as you can.

usualsuspect · 07/12/2013 21:49

Bid on the flats.

OnceUponAThyme · 07/12/2013 21:51

I would be bidding and building a home for yourself and your baby. your mother could start drinking at any point, which is not a situation you want to be stuck in.
the benefit system is a stepping stone and a safety net, use it to get a secure base and then you can build your life on your own. don't feel ashamed, you're in a hard situation and your dd will be proud of you for everything you do for you both Smile

BohemianGirl · 07/12/2013 21:56

You need a place of you own BUT I dont understand why you are with your mum and not your Nan?

ZillionChocolate · 07/12/2013 21:56

Working out entitlement is not your job. Accept the decision that you are allowed to bid. Hope you and your baby get something nice.

Original poster
Chelsealady · 07/12/2013 21:59

Thank you all so much you have made me feel so much better about the situation.

I am going to put my daughters future first in mind and bid. I don't want to be on benefits forever and when the time and situation is right I will come off of them and start my life properly.

Im always hearing people talk about scroungers, young single mums and the rest but I did not see myself in this situation last year. It does make you feel bad but without benefits I would have no choice but to hand my DD over to the social as I would have no way of keeping her or myself alive and thats what people don't think about!

OP posts:
Ragusa · 07/12/2013 22:00

What zillion says. Based on past performance, your mum's quite likely to fall off the wagon [sorry to be blunt]. She needs to give up the booze for herself, not for anyone else. You need to put yourself and your baby first now. Obviously you can help your brother from your new place, if you feel able.

stella69x · 07/12/2013 22:01

Get bidding. Your situation sounds similar to mine. Pregnant at 19, baby dad not wanting to know so had to move back to parental home where one was an alcoholic, also meant having to leave my job due to location.

Got offered a 1 bed council flat as alcoholic parent didn't want me in parental home so was on the list after being made technically homeless.

Was the best thing I ever did for me and my DS (now 14). Yes I could of stayed in the parental home as the non alcoholic parent did want me there but what life would my DS of had in a household with a selfish alcoholic?

If they say you are entitled to bid then bid, they have strict criteria and you meet it, else they wouldn't say bid. Yes it is scary those first few weeks/months in your own place, but soon it feels secure as no one else can influence the feeling within those 4 walls.

Original poster
Chelsealady · 07/12/2013 22:02

Bohemian my nan is very unwell and my grandad had 2 strokes last year its just not fair to bring a newborn into their home. They need to be stress free and peaceful together I couldn't take the guilt.

OP posts:
Vampyreof · 07/12/2013 22:02

Would also like to add, despite the stigma attached to council housing, it's not all that bad. I live in a very pleasant flat myself - I hate the fact that I'm reluctant to tell people but it absolutely shouldn't be the case - good luck Smile.

usualsuspect · 07/12/2013 22:04

I live on a council estate.

I've never hidden the fact.

stella69x · 07/12/2013 22:09

Forgot to say YANBU to feel bad about it, but you can use it as a stepping stone to a better life. When I got my flat I found employment again and am working towards leaving social housing, but the way the housing market is I'm not sure that is achievable. But as I'm employed I can pay my rent my self no housing benefit, but if I was in private rent I would be claiming/entitled to partial housing allowance due to the extortionate cost of private rent in my area. By staying in social housing I am claiming less benefit iyswim.

Lj8893 · 07/12/2013 22:23

Social housing is there for those that need it, you need it. The council have decided you need it so there is absolutely no need for you to be guilty!

I've just moved into a social housing property and I love it.

Vatta · 07/12/2013 22:30

Do it. And don't feel bad - you've had some bad luck, and your family isn't able to help . You need a bit of help to start out, and build the best possible life for you and your baby (and maybe your brother if yiur mum cant cope in future).

This is exactly the kind of situation the welfare state is designed for.

Original poster
Chelsealady · 07/12/2013 22:30

I wont ever be embarrassed of being on the social at the end of the day they are here to help and some of the flats are beautiful new builds. I will so grateful iv been given the opportunity for my DD.

Just a little upsetting when people judge me for being young and single bringing her up let alone them then starting on the fact that I'm on housing. Iv already had the stairs and whispers in the street while I was pregnant.

OP posts: