to offer fostering a child from our school whose mum died?

[camaleon]

...the mother of a child who is a peer of one of my children in our local school passed away a couple of weeks ago.
There is no more family living in the UK. Some relatives from overseas are looking after this child at the moment. My own child has never been close to this other child.
I would like to speak to the Headteacher and tell her that she can let Social Services know I am happy to foster the child until the situation is resolved (I would consider adoption too, but I don't think this works this way). The thought of this child getting into some institutional care far away from the local community is heart breaking. The mother was a single mother, clearly in a vulnerable position.
My husband thinks this is a crazy offer; He thinks that if they take it up, it will massively disrupt our lives; that the father can show up in a few years; that she belongs to another community; etc. He would back me up if I think this is the right thing to do, but his opinion is that we should just offer our sympathy and support to the family without interfering further.
So AIBU offering to foster this girl if her family has to go back to their home country and she finds herself alone? Is it even a possibility that this offer is considered or would Social Services just 'centralise' her case and deal with it as if this offer did not exist?
Any advice welcome.

Just to clarify. I know enough about visa procedures to understand that the family of this child will not have unlimited time to stay in the UK. And it is not clear that the British administration will let her go with them either. As I say, my knowledge is limited (and I don't want to know more if I don't need to). However, I know enough to understand that there is a real possibility that she is placed under care.
I also know that I am driven by emotions and how incredibly sad I feel about this girl and her mum. She was not close to me but I knew her and she was clearly someone in a vulnerable position, and in a very tight and strong relationship with her child.
TiredDog example confirms that good intentions may end badly. I am trying to think through this one rationally. My whole body is telling me to offer the help and deal with the consequences later.

A girl at my school was fostered by another school family when her (single parent) mum died. From the outside st least it looked like an arrangement with a lot of love on both sides. Iirc the foster child was about 14 and the child of the fostering family was on the same school year. However it is clearly not something to take lightly (not that you are OP).

Tired dog, you sound very caring and I am really sorry to hear of your bad experiences. I hope all parties are happier now.

quietly, I am not assuming that staying in the UK is better than staying close with relatives.
In my particular case (I am not from the UK either) I have a will stating that if something like this happened to me I want my kids back to my home country with relatives. I am scared at the thought of my kids being in an institution until Social services decided one way or another. So perhaps I am trying to do what I would like others to do if these were my children.
I have no say whatsoever on wheter this child stays or goes; I don't want to witness something I may be able to help with and do nothing. HOwever, I know this is a serious commitment and I don't want to make it lightly.
Thank you for all the views.

To all of you saying zero chance that's not accurate. You don't have to be approved by SS or anyone to become a fosterer with a 'private arrangement'.

This is not uncommon, it's usually family members who take on a child.

OP

Big discussion with husband and your existing child. This would be a huge change and you dh does have the right of veto IMHO.

Talk to the head teacher, but don't give a direct offer just now.

I think that if you want to do this, then perhaps instead of being bound up in the story of this particular child, you could look into become a foster parent and then you can help (possibly many) children over many years.

If this was a close friend of your DC, then taking her in short term might make sense. But as it's just someone in her class, she'd probably be better off with either a friend's family or with experienced foster parents.

Most areas of the country need more foster parents - if this spurs you to become one, good on you.

We really have very very few institutions in the UK so the child will most likely already be in emergency foster care.

As Sashh says its perfectly legal to privately foster a child but there are increased social services checks as privately fostered children (like Victoria CLimbie) are considered to be at high risk. DS was considered to be privately fostered between coming back to the UK and UK adoption, we initially had social services visits every three weeks which eventually moved to every 6 weeks.

I don't see how you are going to do this if your DH doesn't agree?

"To all of you saying zero chance that's not accurate. You don't have to be approved by SS or anyone to become a fosterer with a 'private arrangement'."

It is now only family, or a very close family friend that would be considered for "private fostering", if resident in the same country, so I would think that the OP wouldn't be considered.

Any plans would have to be long term, given the age if this child and the circumstances, it wouldn't come under the existing "Private Fostering" legislation, which is due to be extended and made more protective of the child.

Why should she be considered over an established, experienced Foster Carer, once the family arrangement has ended (if it ever does)?

OP, you mention "Institutions", children don't go into institutions anymore, you seem to not have any understanding how the whole system works.

There are probably plans being made. Your intentions are good but not thought out fully.

This would be a full Fostering SS arranged placement, which would mean SS involvement/assessment in your family life, including extended family members.

I doubt it would be approved anyway, because you have no connection with the family, other than your child attending the same school.

I really would leave well alone.

Even though your intentions are obviously good, the damage that could be done to this child if you agree to foster and then the placement breaks down is huge.

There are very good reasons why foster and adoptive parents go through such a thorough approval process.

As an adoptive parent I have met quite a few foster carers and even with all the vetting and training they went through the job can be very tough on their families.

If you want to become a foster carer I would apply through the usual agencies if I were you.

sorry to hijack Birds - but I thought private fostering was when someone other then close family or friends take in a child. If they are taken in by close family then no additional checks necessary but if not close family then all the rules on private fostering kick in.

OP - there is a leaflet you can get from BAAF which explains the regulations around private fostering www.baaf.org.uk/bookshop/private-fostering-england-and-wales-2009

And this website www.privatefostering.org.uk/ seems to be approved by BAAF so is probably accurate

Have you also considered the impact on your own child of having an instant social twin who may well be quite traumatised and demanding of attention from you?

Well obviously I assume you have but have you really considered the effect of such a huge loss, followed by the loss of relatives moving country, following by move to another family will have on a child of that age.

I'm not sure SS will think a move to a family with an identically aged child in teh same class will address her needs well enough.

I htink you may also be thinking too far ahead - why not just offer to help the family who are currently caring for her? LIfts to/from school, playdates if appropriate etc

if you have the room, the goodwill, the money and the space in your heart, then offer.

Poor child

Birdsgottafly "OP, you mention "Institutions", children don't go into institutions anymore, you seem to not have any understanding how the whole system works"

You are right. This is why I am asking here first and I have tried to do a bit of research on-line but I am not much wiser. I am not from this country and I have zero experience of dealing with Social services or other agencies supporting parents and children, either here or in my country of origin.

I have an appointment tomorrow with the Head teacher. For the time being I will tell her that I am more than happy to be considered if she thinks the family needs someone to pick the child up or extra play-dates; whatever. I have passed a note to the relatives looking after her offering the same.

I have no intention of becoming a fosterer; it is the particular situation of this child and thinking on the differen means I could use to support her that has led me to think about fostering her. I live about 100 meters away from the school; my child is not a close friend of her but they know each other quite well. I thought I could be helpful in keeping her in a family environment if -and only if- this seems to be a good idea to other people/agencies involved.

My husband is reluctant to this idea because we are already carrying a lot of responsibilities regarding different people around us. He thinks that the experience tells us that when we step into something we finally take up more than we ever expected. So he is cautious and thinks we should not offer if we are not fully committed to the eventuality of this child becoming part of our family even temporarily. It is precisely because he can see the implications of it that he wants me to take some time to think over this.

It is very interesting to see how the offer is perceived from the outside too.

Kewcumber,
Thank you for the extra info. I have considered the option of offering what you suggest as stated earlier. However, it seems (I don't fully know this since it comes from other mothers' 'knowledge'/gossip) that the relatives she is with may have to go back to their country very soon and that a decision will be made whether she stays or goes. I don't want to give away too much info since the privacy of this child is at stake, but it seems that those relatives would have to leave but would be back soon after they resolve some paper-work to either relocate in the UK or take her with them to their home country.
It is in that interim that I am more than willing to keep her. My husband says that this should be only done if we are willing to accept a very long extension of this temporary plan. And I know he is right.

I have not spoken with my children about this yet. I would only do it if it became necessary; I don't want them to 1) start speaking about this in the playground generating any unnecessary anxiety for the concerned child; and 2) start worrying themselves about this if it is not even a possibility.

All the advice/views is very useful. I would not take a child 'in a heartbeat' but I don't want to stay passive under a situation that is under my nose and where I know I may be able to help. I am going to read all the links, speak to the head teacher tomorrow and, if possible, to the relatives of the child directly too.

Thank you.

You are extremely kind to be thinking of this child. I think it's completely legitimate to be thinking about fostering a particular child in particular circumstances. Many grandparents end up caring for their GC through no desire to foster generally.

That said, it needs to be carefully thought through - not least for the well-being of your DD

Moldingsunbeams,
Whatever the general rule is, it is always a good idea to have some 'will' stating clearly who you want your child to be looked after by in case you cannot do it yourself.

Why are you having a meeting with the Head Teacher when your husband isn't keen in this arrangement and doesn't support you?

I dont want to be rude but please do not waste people's time and cause unnecessary upset