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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell my ex he's a shit father?

34 replies

Pishoff · 07/12/2013 18:50

....for refusing to wait on the hospital ward with ds age 12 while I walked 15 minutes to get my car to return to the hospital to take ds home following major surgery.

Ds had a 6 hour op on Thursday to remove a tumour from his parotid gland (very tricky op). He is under the care of a head and neck surgeon in a uk childrens hospital. We were told at 4pm today that he could go home. Exp stood up and put his coat on as if to go. I asked him to hold on while I went to get my car which was a 15 minute walk away - impossible to park any closer. He said he had to go as he'd been there since 10.30, it was my problem and he had things to do. I physically felt my jaw drop. I've taken indefinite leave from my job and put my whole life on hold for ds and exp is put out because he has things to do?? He arrived alone and he left alone. But not before I called him a shit father and now I feel awful.

I just need to rant.

OP posts:
Vampyreof · 07/12/2013 18:52

It would have been more unreasonable for you to have said nothing, tbh!

womblesofwestminster · 07/12/2013 18:53

Did he say anything back to you?

What was the other stuff he needed to do?

TalkativeJim · 07/12/2013 18:53

Well said.

Maybe it wil make him think... doubt it though, by the sound of it.

Shit father indeed.

Don't even think about feeling awful - if the cap fits, he can wear it.

Just feel sorry for a man who feels 'put out' at the thought of an extra 15 mins holding his son's hand after major surgery.

goodgrief54 · 07/12/2013 18:55

absolutely not unreasonable at all... !

Original poster
Pishoff · 07/12/2013 18:56

Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pishoff · 07/12/2013 18:57

I feel absolutely terrible for losing it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pishoff · 07/12/2013 18:59

I am so incredulous at his behaviour that I am questioning my own unreason-ability. I'm flummoxed.

OP posts:
maras2 · 07/12/2013 19:00

What attracted you to him in the first place? Our DS aged 32 had a similar op last year.DH.took him in,stayed with him and brought him home.That's what dad's do.Surely you had an inkling of your STBX's character before this.I hope that DS is ok now.Oh,by the way,he is a shit dad.

ImperialBlether · 07/12/2013 19:01

Vampyre is right - it would have been the wrong thing to keep quiet. What an awful man. I'm really glad he's your ex.

Original poster
Pishoff · 07/12/2013 19:06

Thank you. I have held out so many olive branches to exp...
But he's an utter prick.

OP posts:
RoseRedder · 07/12/2013 19:06

How is your DS? I'm surprised he being allowed home already after I an op like that, they kept me in 3 days after only having my tonsils out.

and how are you? please make sure you are looking after your self too

Is your ex normally like that or do you think he is not really thinking straight with worry etc?

Original poster
Pishoff · 07/12/2013 19:15

Ds is doing really well thanks. The op was so long because it involves the facial nerve and so it is is ultra slow and very very tricky. The tumour was very deep in his neck. But he is otherwise very fit and healthy. However, he had a 6 hour anaesthetic and a significant surgical wound. He couldn't walk to the car and I'm so pissed off that exp thought it was ok to just up and leave once the show was over. Like he had to be the first person off the plane but didn't care that ds and I were at the back of the queue with all the bags etc.

OP posts:
Jux · 07/12/2013 19:41

It beggars belief, doesn't it? No wonder your jaw dropped! Telling him exactly what sort of dad he is was very necessary.

Glad ds is doing well. How old is he?

HopAndSkipAlong · 07/12/2013 19:45

Maras that's a ridiculous comment. People aren't usually going to show their bad side when first meeting someone, that's like saying to someone with an abusive partner or ex 'what attracted you in the first place' as if it's their fault for not guessing the future!

OP I hope your son is on the mend, YANBU at all, though I doubt he will take any notice or care!

Punkatheart · 07/12/2013 19:50

I am so sorry that you haven't had the support you deserve. I do hope that your ds gets better soon.

I empathise entirely. Sadly my child also has a shit father, who never calls but knows that his daughter is seriously mentally ill and that I am struggling to look after her. I have cancer.

I send hugs and you are a fantastic mum. You deserve the world.

Original poster
Pishoff · 07/12/2013 19:55

Ds is 12 and there is no reason why he shouldn't make a full and quick recovery. But he will still have a shit father. I need someone to shake me into having zero expectations.

OP posts:
Punkatheart · 07/12/2013 19:58

Yep, understand that. You must give up on expectations and concentrate on the two of you, my love. Otherwise it will lead to bitterness and disappointment.

Willow89 · 07/12/2013 19:58

YANBU! He is a shit father! My DS recently had a very minor op to remove hernia, and exDP who can be a shit a lot of the time, could not do enough for me and DS i was so grateful, he knows that DS comes first no matter what! I hope your ok, and you were right to speak up don't feel guilty. Hope your DS is back on his feet soon Smile

Original poster
Pishoff · 07/12/2013 19:59

I just can't can't get my head round it though.

OP posts:
Preciousbane · 07/12/2013 20:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HermioneWeasley · 07/12/2013 20:02

I can't think of many shittier things to do. He's a terrible father and I'm glad you told him so.

Original poster
Pishoff · 07/12/2013 20:02

If he'd said, oh of course I'll hang on for 20 minutes to help ds, I'd have said thank you many times over and given him a lift to wherever it was that he had to go.

Why make life fucking awkward for anyone else? Especially the other parent of your own child... I just don't understand.

OP posts:
Butterytoast · 07/12/2013 20:16

Did your ds hear the conversation? You ex isn't doing himself any favours in the father stakes- children are very astute at sussing bullshit and selfish behaviour, even if they aren't ready to deal with the emotional implications of calling people on it esp in their teenage years

RoseRedder · 07/12/2013 20:19

How long have you been apart for?

I'm asking because my DS's dad acted like a right twat in the first 2 years we separated. Also during periods of when I needed him to drop all the grudges againest me and just help me out for no other reason than to support our child together

He is alot better now but it still wrangles me as I also thought a parent would do anything to help their child/other parent with the child.

I think your ex has acted really badly

HildaOgdensTinselTassledTits · 07/12/2013 20:20

I think you did well not to throttle him,so don't waste one moment worrying about telling him he is a shit father.

Take this as the moment you start moving forward,and stop wasting your precious mental energy on trying to make him be a better man.If he didn't become one when you were together,he is unlikely to suddenly step up now you're apart.

Keep that energy for yourself and your child (glad to hear he's on the mend).Some people just find it easier to detach,and your ex is one of them.Don't try to analyse him,don't try to control him,don't bother trying to change him.

He is what he is...only he can change himself.

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