to tell my ex he's a shit father?

[Pishoff]

....for refusing to wait on the hospital ward with ds age 12 while I walked 15 minutes to get my car to return to the hospital to take ds home following major surgery.

Ds had a 6 hour op on Thursday to remove a tumour from his parotid gland (very tricky op). He is under the care of a head and neck surgeon in a uk childrens hospital. We were told at 4pm today that he could go home. Exp stood up and put his coat on as if to go. I asked him to hold on while I went to get my car which was a 15 minute walk away - impossible to park any closer. He said he had to go as he'd been there since 10.30, it was my problem and he had things to do. I physically felt my jaw drop. I've taken indefinite leave from my job and put my whole life on hold for ds and exp is put out because he has things to do?? He arrived alone and he left alone. But not before I called him a shit father and now I feel awful.

I just need to rant.

I'm utterly and thoroughly ashamed to admit that ds heard me. I have apologised and ds seems fine. What a mess.

I have a shit father. I once had some counselling where the counsellor asked the question "what is it exactly that you'd like out of this?" I had to really think ..."I'd like the father I deserve rather than the one I've got".

Kinda summed everything up.

Mind you in a bizarre way saying that out loud did actually help me move on. I learnt to accept that he was shit at being a decent father and stopped wondering what I could do to make things better.

Op I don't actually think it's a bad thing he heard you call your ex on his shitty behaviour. It's important he knows that that sort of behaviour and treatment of a person is not acceptable regardless of who it is!

I think it's a good thing that DS heard that he ought to have expected more of his own father, that the job of parent involves more than just showing up

Speedy recovery to him, and hope you are able to recover from the shock of it all too.

Look on the brightside, at least he's your ex

Thanks. Don't feel so guilty now. Been apart for 3.5 years during which he's been consistently shitty - abusive behaviour, minimum csa maintenance, silly games etc. This is the final straw. I shall stop expecting anything now.

Hope your son is doing ok.
My ex reacted similarly when ds was in hospital although nothing serious as in your case. Ds was ill and I was advised to take him to our childrens a & e I phoned ex who was in bed and he moaned about being woken and kept asking did he really need to be there I said it was his decision I know he wanted me to tell him what to do because then if I said don't come he could blame me for him not being there.

He did eventually turn up, ds had to do a urine sample so as he was still in nappys at the time I took nappy off so that as soon as he started to wee I could put container there, at one point I was desperate for loo so asked ex to hold container while I went he refused I had to juggle ds container and trying to wee. When ds was eventually discharged ex refused to look after him while I fetched car I didn't want to carry ds to car park as all he had on was nappy and vest because of his high temp. Luckily one of nurses offered to watch ds while I fetched car when I got back ex had left didn't bother to contact me to see how ds was during the following week.
Would love to tell ex exactly what I think of him and what a terrible father he is (so much more to tell) but I can't be bothered to deal with the arguments that would happen.

Snap. We've heard nothing from exp since we got home. That will be turned round as my fault for not keeping him informed. We've had lots of hospital appointments and investigations recently but exp only chooses the more dramatic ones to attend and even then only when they are in work hours. MRI scan on a weekday is a good skive from work but a dislocated finger on a Friday night is my job. Grrrrr.

Lowering your expectations is a very good idea. There is no point, as a pp said, in wasting emotional energy on wanting them to be better. I've been divorced from XH for several years now and he's still fucking useless. He talks the talk about being there for ds etc but he rarely manages to actually do it.

It took me a long time to stop being angry every time he did something selfish or thoughtless but I realised this year that his behaviour is not my responsibility and I cannot change him.

It's shit for the kids though. I feel constantly guilty that I chose such a selfish twat to be my child's father. All you can do is show them love and stability everyday, and hope it's enough.