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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu and the answer is probably yes

31 replies

mumofbeautys · 06/12/2013 21:14

as you may know from previous threads i have poorly twins. one is v poorly, we have been in the hospital and its looking like she wont be making it home or past the next 8 weeks.

their dad walked out when they were babies they do not know him as a person.. i imformed ex mum and today he turns up. shocked as i was he is also requesting his new partner to meet her and for them to spend xmas day at the hospice with her. aibu to feel a lil pissed of by this. i have also been told his posted online about how much he loves her and is devastated. aibu to want this xmas to be and the girls like they know it to be

OP posts:

sunshinemeg · 06/12/2013 21:19

Very sorry to hear that, I know the pain of losing young relations but not children so you have my full sympathy here.
I understand your feelings, I would certainly not want a girlfriend meeting at this stage, but don't think you can keep him away. Would he compromise to it being just him?

SuperStrength · 06/12/2013 21:20

You need to do what suits you right now.
Feel free to say no to the request re his partner as your kids dont know her, make sure he understands where your boundaries are & that to pressure you would be to jeopardise any further contact he has with your twins...the message to him is 'you need to tread carefully'.
Also, re the person who has relayed info about what he has posted online...I would be wary of people who do not protect you & your interests...you didn't need to know what he posted & they are S**t stiring IMO.

Happydaze77 · 06/12/2013 21:20

No, you're not being unreasonable, not in the slightest.
I'm so sorry for you.

Coldlightofday · 06/12/2013 21:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

manicinsomniac · 06/12/2013 21:23

Gosh, what a heartbreaking situation. I don't think anything you're feeling is unreasonable at this point.

Christmas Day seems very insensitive of him. I think both he and your daughter have a right to spend some time together and that it is a positive thing that he wants to. But a special day like Christmas when he's made no effort before? No.

Praying for a Christmas miracle for your family.

CoffeeTea103 · 06/12/2013 21:25

Op sorry you are going through this. You do not have to put up with any gf nonsense right now. If you want him to spend possibly the last Xmas with the little one that's ok, but this other person should not even be a concern and make this clear to him.

Original poster

mumofbeautys · 06/12/2013 21:26

i am torn because i know my dd deserves a dad , but also angry and hurt it has taken this for him to play dad .

OP posts:

LittleprincessinGOLDrocks · 06/12/2013 21:28

Oh hunny, you are not being unreasonable at all. (sending very unMN hugs)
I haven't read your previous threads, but I am very sorry to hear you and your children are going through this.

I think you and your daughters should spend Christmas day together as you wish. Their dad chose not to be involved until now, for whatever reason, he can't just come in making decisions about how she spends her time.
That said, I do think you need to suggest an alternative. How about a few hours on Christmas eve / boxing day / another day between Christmas and New Year. Whatever suits you and your daughters. I say this as he is making an effort to be there now, and it maybe what your girls would like?
But as I say this should be a date that suits you and your girls, as their needs are more important than what he wants. And definitely not Christmas day, that day is for your family - you and your daughters.

Sending you love and hugs xxx

ChampagneTastes · 06/12/2013 21:29

I'm so sorry; this must be an awful time for you. Whatever you want or need to do right now is not unreasonable. Do you have family who can support you in making your wishes clear? Sending you best wishes. Hope these next few weeks are kind to you.

FudgefaceMcZ · 06/12/2013 21:30

YANBU at all! You poor thing. Of course your children should spend Christmas with you rather than some random stranger they have just met- if ex and partner want they can visit them and build up a relationship in a sensible way, not just march in making demands of a mum who may lose a child :( I hope you and your daughters have a wonderful Christmas and some peace.

bumperella · 06/12/2013 21:31

I do not even want to try and imagine how you must feel.
Suggest he visits for 2 hrs (max) on Christmas day. Just him (and maybe one of his parents at the most). No GF. This would be more than enough. DD will only have one dad and she should be able to see him, but not only on "key" dates for the "big ticket" family times.

DameFanny · 06/12/2013 21:32

I second the PP who asked if there's anyone you can get to be a buffer between you and this silly man. Spend Christmas in the way that will make your daughters happy.

BlondieTinsellyMinx · 06/12/2013 21:32

YANBU at all x

I am so sorry, that sounds very very hard.

I fear there is an element of "playing Dad" here, in that he is trying to play the role for his mum and for his new girlfriend. Tell him the gf is not welcome but that he may visit at x time. If he whines point out he'd have more of a say if he was around more and that your DD needs continuity and love, not guest appearances when he is shamed into it by his mum

thenamestheyareachanging · 06/12/2013 21:34

YANBU, not at all. I'm so so sorry for you and your lovely girls.

YANBU to say no, you would like this Christmas to be you an d the girls as it has always been, and that this is not an appropriate time to introduce a girlfriend, but that you're happy for him to spend some time with your dd's at the hospice, just not on Christmas day.

thenamestheyareachanging · 06/12/2013 21:35

Perhaps hospice staff can help you talk to him if it's difficult?

BohemianGirl · 06/12/2013 21:36

What does your daughter want?

fifi669 · 06/12/2013 21:37

This is about poorly DC. Would she really want her father there? As he is a complete stranger to her, let alone the girlfriend. If this is her last days, let it be surrounded with the people SHE loves, rather than people who claim to love her.

KeatsiePie · 06/12/2013 21:47

Christmas Day?! What does he think you and your other daughter should be doing during that day?

I would talk to him about the best time/day for him to come, b/c the visit is supposed to be for your daughter's benefit, not his. Remind him of that. If it won't benefit her, then it should not happen.

Whatever you decide, tell the hospice staff and ask if they can help.

I too wish you didn't have to deal with this at all and I'm so sorry.

misswishy · 06/12/2013 21:50

How old is she?

fridayfreedom · 06/12/2013 21:51

Maybe you could talk to the hospice staff about this and they could support you re your decisions. They maybe able to act as a buffer and to make it clear that it is not appropriate to introduce gf at this point.

babacoon · 06/12/2013 21:55

Hi OP I haven't read your previous posts so don't know your children's exact situation. I'm praying for both you and them. May God ease your pain and theirs too. So sorry you are going through this. And YANBU!

Kyrptonite · 06/12/2013 21:55

Oh no I'm so sorry to have read this. I remember you talking about the amazing presents you have for the girls for Xmas. You don't have to let him there for Xmas. No one could ever say that was unreasonable given the circumstances. I would offer a compromise (few hours Xmas eve maybe) but I wouldn't be happy about a girlfriend turning up if they've never met her. He should be wanting to spend the time with his daughter not with tbe girlfriend too.

If you need anyone to talk to then feel free to PM me.

SlimJiminy · 06/12/2013 22:32

I'm so sorry to hear this. Can't even begin to understand how you must be feeling.

If you can come to an agreement around Christmas - maybe Christmas Eve / Boxing Day or perhaps a few hours on Christmas Day if you can cope with it, then it unquestionably should not involve his GF. Absolutely no place for her. Any reasonable GF would understand this.

Do whatever's best for your kids. This isn't about him and his wants. It's about them. If him being there on Christmas Day is not the best thing for them, then YANBU to tell him to visit another time.

BearWithBearWith · 06/12/2013 22:40

I am so sorry to hear your sad news. I would advise you to speak to someone at the hospice of your concerns. They will be better placed to guide you in what is reasonable to request and will be of practical help eg in only allowing certain named visitors onto the ward. They can also speak to visitors who turn up unexpectedly. They are used to this, they can be unemotional and be caring and proactive in ensuring you and your girls get the easiest ride possible. Put this onto them to handle-not you. Your job is to be full attention with your girls.

My love to you all.

NatashaBee · 06/12/2013 22:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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