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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu re school arrangement?

49 replies

pumpkinsweetie · 06/12/2013 16:18

I made arrangments with the school (an academy) more than a week ago entitling me to collect my younger dd from the lower school office & for my elder dd to be sent down from the upper school.

I did this due to meltdowns from my younger dd upon the excess crowds, and cars mounting the pavements en route to upper school as it was making her (asd suspected) have severe meltdowns of which containing biting, punching, kicking, lying on pavement and blocking my pushchair from going to collect elder dd.

It took some what of a compromise as i had originally asked for my elder child to be collected by me first 10 mins early so i could collect younger dd second. Therefore avoiding crowds etc but head was not happy with my suggestion so came up with the above & it suited us & seemed to workSmile

All well & good until today, the day of the school fair!

So i turn up as usual and wait, i wait & i wait & wait, still no sign of either dd after 20 mins, (office closed), so i finally find someone & they send younger dd down. All the whilst the upper school children that were bought down by their parents filled the very small office.

Of course my dd didn't like the stuffed, cramped conditions & started biting me & kicking the pushchair, an instant spectacle was madeSad. We both waited for elder dd to get sent down but 7 mins of meltdown and we had to get out and walk to upper school as i was worried where dd had got to and couldn't get hold of their office either.

We struggled to get out of office due to crowds for 10 mins. I went to collect dd from upper school, the family liason officer was full of excuses & said my dd would have been sent down but coz it was a fair they were busy. I had waited 25 mins & the fair was used as an excuse!

We finally went back to lower school for the fair only to realise there was nothing left except to see santa, of course younger dd was very anxious by then & started ramming pushchair into people until i finally calmed her down.

Would you find this reasonable? Considering both my children & my little one missed out because of their incompetance?

OP posts:
WooWooOwl · 06/12/2013 16:22

I'd say it was a reasonable mistake to make on a particularly busy off timetable day, but a mistake none the less.

If they are usually helpful and accommodating, which it sounds like they are, then I'd let it go.

Pancakeflipper · 06/12/2013 16:24

I don't think they did this on purpose. It's an oversight and I guess you take note when there's special events on that you need to recheck the arrangements or adjust them.

It's a pain but for your own sanity worth doing.

We have to recheck and make arrangements for one my children and I see it as my responsibility. Which is probably the wrong way to view it.

holidaysarenice · 06/12/2013 16:25

Tbh I think its a difficult situation for a school and they are working with you.

If your dd can't deal with crowds etc how was the school fair going to be a good idea. I think of days like these you need to be flexible enough with them to avoid meltdowns as best as possible. Eg anticipate it might not be smooth on fair day and bring another adult if possible to collect one dd or be on hand to help etc or to take dd away from crowds.

Hope you're okay!

IrisWildthyme · 06/12/2013 16:28

entitled much!!? it sounds like the school are being brilliant most of the time and bending over backwards to help you and all you can do is moan on the one day they have lots else on their plates - you are not the only thing they have to cope with you know!

Original poster
pumpkinsweetie · 06/12/2013 16:34

I did try phoning both offices before the school run but neither was picking up phones the 6 times i tried and i was given no advance warning the school would be changing arrangments.

I don't have another adult to help me as my dh works nights but was collecting my other dd from another school and mum and friends work too. I'm also 8 months pregnant so it's impossible for me to struggle lifting her whilst she is meltdowing , also pushing a buggy hence the arrangement.

OP posts:
Original poster
pumpkinsweetie · 06/12/2013 16:38

I know that full well iris, as do the other 4 sets of parents waiting with very similar issues.

It's only been a week, i wouldn't call that bending over backwards, especially slipping up so soon.

It's all very well saying i should hae made alternitive arrangments but logistically impossible when offices are uncontactable. Would have been quite happy to collect elder dd first but non communication disallowed for it.

I'm annoyed as it's a forced academy, has been for a year and still they cannot get it together. I would move them, i have them on waiting lists, have done for more than six months!

OP posts:
AnnabelleLee · 06/12/2013 16:43

If your dd is so bad with crowds, was going to the fair a good idea?

SantanaLopez · 06/12/2013 16:49

All the whilst the upper school children that were bought down by their parents filled the very small office.

I don't understand this bit? Why were the children in the office?

Actually I'm a bit confused by the whole post. How early do you normally pick her up- did everyone else leave after 10 minutes so they held your DD back 15 to let the crowd settle down?

WooWooOwl · 06/12/2013 16:50

What do you mean 'they still cannot get it together'? The problem you have described in your OP doesn't indicate a bad school. Especially if they have tried to make an accommodation for you when you've only joined the school so close to the end of term.

There may be other things that worry you about the school, but you haven't posted about those, so taking this incident on its own, I think you are being a bit harsh. Maybe understandably so if you are pregnant and dealing with severe behaviour issues, but the school isn't to blame for that.

Now you are aware that there may be problems on off timetable days, you can pre-empt it and make appropriate arrangements in future.

Original poster
pumpkinsweetie · 06/12/2013 16:52

Nope probably not but she wanted to go after waiting so long.
I don't really know what sets her into meltdowns, we are only just starting out on the road of statementing for autism- Another thing the school doesn't talk to me about, (started in july). Whenever i ask how it's going the senco is never available.
It's like banging my head against a wall

OP posts:
DamnBamboo · 06/12/2013 16:53

If it's a one off mistake and they are usually very accomodating, then it's just unfortunate.

If you DD is so bad with crowds generally, why are you going to a fair?

longjane · 06/12/2013 17:01

Right it is your job as parent to note and ask when the off timetable days are and work out each time what you will do .

Original poster
pumpkinsweetie · 06/12/2013 17:02

I had it in my mind to go straight home tbh but my eldest dd had other ideas and i didn't feel it fair she missed out, obviously that got my younger one wanting to go.

I'm not really good at explaining things, i guess my thread is confusing
Maybe i should have made it make more sense.

OP posts:
DamnBamboo · 06/12/2013 17:05

I do find this confusing. It's not the school's fault that you decided to go to the fair and your DD got upset. Why are you even posting that.

YABU I think.

Original poster
pumpkinsweetie · 06/12/2013 17:05

longjane what does "off timetable" mean?
Even if this meant something i wasn't notified the arrangment had been changed nor was either upper or lower school contactable.

OP posts:
Original poster
pumpkinsweetie · 06/12/2013 17:09

My youngest knew there was a fair on, my eldest didn't want to miss out.

It wasn't very organised and they crammed upper & lower all into one building as the fair was taking place at the lower school just before my youngest was sent out, so the commotion was already there for her to experience on the way out. She had already started her meltdown before going to collect dd or go back to the fair.

OP posts:
DamnBamboo · 06/12/2013 17:13

So do you not what them to have the fair then or what?
Are you saying the fair had started before the pupils had been let out of class at the end of the day?
Why didn't you, in advance, say due to DDs difficulties, I will pick her up before the fair begins.

I don't know what you expect from the school, but certainly drip-feeding here is not helping this.

ihatesonic · 06/12/2013 17:16

ok, I say this as a parent of a dd with asd who has other siblings.

If you think DD is asd, you need to change your expectations, in regard to how other people behave and to how your other children will be affected. It's not fair, it hurts like hell but it is reality.

Whatever you do, your other children WILL miss out because ASD child cannot cope. You need to manage this both for your asd child AND the siblings as you have an either/or situation. It is not easy to balance and it always seems like someone is unhappy with your choice.

You need to stop relying on others (be it school, other parents etc) to deal with your child as a priority. She may be YOUR priority but she is not anyone elses and will never be.

Lecture over - I know I sound harsh but parenting a child with ASD is no picnic - parenting a child with ASD whilst trying to ensure siblings don't miss out is hugely challenging so big hugs((())))) cos I do know how hard this is but it does get easier as you become more used to it.

AnAdventureInCakeAndWine · 06/12/2013 17:21

The stuff you describe about the statementing process and the SENCO being unavailable, that's something to be getting annoyed about. That they screwed up your special pickup arrangements once on an out-of-the-ordinary school day, not so much -- it's a mistake but it's not incompetence in and of itself.

And you are going to struggle to argue why making your younger DD wait in an office that had people in it was desperately unreasonable because it triggered a meltdown when you yourself immediately took her to a fair full of crowds that triggered a meltdown.

If the SENCO were available you could talk to her about strategies for handling your DD2 on days that fall outside the normal school routine -- so, again, the fact that the SENCO is making herself unavailable is probably the big issue here.

Original poster
pumpkinsweetie · 06/12/2013 17:21

That's not what i'm saying damn.
The school made arrangements with me and should stick to them, like i do with their rules. It should work both ways, i have to provide proof of all the days off my children need when ill, such as doctors note or perscription, even for diarreah & vomiting. I'm still required to provide evidence and i always do.

So i expect them to follow through with an arrangement they made with me, the fair would have been an acceptable excuse if they had have bothered telling me the arrangements had changed.

I'm guessing this is drip feeding, on my head so be it. I suppose i should have posted in the special needs board instead of drip feeding and posting on aibu considering i haven't explained myself well and neither have i told of all the other problems in the op.

OP posts:
Original poster
pumpkinsweetie · 06/12/2013 17:23

Thankyou Anadventure i couldn't actually get out the office as there was a stream of people from upper school still coming through just one door!! Luckily a very kind man told people to kindly make room for me to exit x

OP posts:
Original poster
pumpkinsweetie · 06/12/2013 17:26

Thankyou ihate i understand completely, just finding it very hard at the moment and i know what you mean however harsh. To the senco etc she is just a number/ a statistic in a longline of others with same/similar/worse problemsSad

OP posts:
DamnBamboo · 06/12/2013 17:29

Agree pumpkin, they should stick to it, but they have made one mistake! If this kept happening, you would have every right to be cross, but it's the first time and there are many irrelevant things in your OP which really are out of the school's control and something you will have to manage yourself.
Hopefully there won't be any future occurences of this.

Original poster
pumpkinsweetie · 06/12/2013 17:30

I also agree re senco being my main bug bare. She never seems to have, or find anytime available for me and even after pushing her into a meeting last month, the meeting itself was full of excuses and goings on of "still collecting evidence", yet i know of others that can get into the system much better but i'm clueless of how to stand up and be listened too.

I shouldn't have taken her to the fair, that i agree i was bu on.
But i still think the school offices should have been contactable as i would have then made other arrangements, such as collecting my elder dd first.

OP posts:
ihatesonic · 06/12/2013 17:32

pumpkin - if I can be of help, please feel free to PM me. It's tough and when the going gets tough, the tough get help!!

FWIW, my dd is 13 now and it is so much easier but I still find I have to make choices - like the day out for xmas shopping, just me and her siblings - I tried taking her once and the meltdown was a sight to behold. So no family day out :)

WRT to SENCO/school - there are tips that can help as can the autism society.