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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not put up Christmas decorations if my husband doesn't clear up his mess?

50 replies

snooter · 06/12/2013 13:16

This will be the third year in the row that we haven't had a tree in the lounge & the second year that we haven't had the pretty stuff in the hall that I like to put out, because the levels of clutter & crap have become frankly ridiculous. It was bad before but mostly hidden in upstairs rooms. Last year I just hung a wreath on the front door & lay the cards in a heap on the hall table. Not sure I can be bothered even to do that this year. The whole house is filled with his stuff, all over every flat surface, the lounge & dining-room are unusable, we step around & over stuff in every room. It's not mine to throw out & tackling it or mentioning tackling it causes a row (although I do sling out the odd thing in a rage - nothing is ever missed Wink) He works hard, long hours, & does not have the energy or inclination to do anything about it, even though he assures me he hates it as much as I do. The whole house is a fucking embarrassment - we hardly ever have anyone over Sad - having said that our friend is coming to stay next weekend - a lovely man who lives in a clean & tidy house Blush I'm not even that tidy or house-proud really - on holiday he's much the tidier out of the pair of us Confused I'd just like the house to be normal

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 06/12/2013 13:31

It may not be your stuff to toss, but if you literally cannot use your lounge and dining room then it is definitely your problem too. What is all this stuff? If he works long hours, how much mess can he make? Is he a hoarder?

Tell him if he doesn't clean it up by X date, you are packing it all up and shoving it in the upstairs room or tossing it (whichever you prefer). So what if it causes a row? Do you really think you deserve to live like this?

It's his stuff but it's your house too so get in there and reclaim it.

raisah · 06/12/2013 13:41

I have the same problem, every surface in my house is used up & filled with clutter. I can't use the dining table as it's filled with paperwork and it is really annoying.

I now go through everything and sort into 3/4 piles; recyclables, rubbish, his stuff & the dc stuff. I put the kids stuff away, throw rubbish & recyclables out and that leaves his stuff which he has to deal with or I bin. It seems to work for us.

harriet247 · 06/12/2013 13:44

Throw it out.throw it all out (except family heirloom stuff and photos) if you and he havent needed it in theblast 12 months.thats my rule. Your quality of life should not be affected by sodding clutter!

chillykitty · 06/12/2013 13:45

Put it all into a bin liner and put in into a spare room so u can at least use vital rooms

chillykitty · 06/12/2013 13:47

Harriet also has a gd point
Throw any rubbish etc
Keep Anything important
What r u waiting for

Original poster
snooter · 06/12/2013 13:51

"Put it into a bin liner" Hahahahahahahahahahahaha! Have you any idea how many bin liners I'd need? As for putting them in upstairs rooms - they're all full of his crap too, apart from the guest room which doubles as my office - there's some of his stuff lying about in there but not too much & I'm going to shift it out tomorrow. I think he has a problem!

OP posts:
WhoremoaneeGrainger · 06/12/2013 14:28

This could have been written by me!!!!

But I have told DH and DD that i will not put up anything unless they both sort their crap out. Cant even get in the spare room for DH's clutter. DD is becoming like him. Spent last two weekends sorting through boxes of shit that have been piled up for the last year!!

And dont even get me started on the stuff that wont go into the cupboards anymore.

Am sick to death of cleaning round stuff, as I have begun to refuse to move it all then put it back.

Just want my clean tidy house back. This all started a couple of years after his mum passed away. And he cant phsyically get up to put it in the loft, so it stays in the rooms in the house.

Rant over. Thank you OP, you have made me feel better knowing its not just me! Grin

dreamingbohemian · 06/12/2013 14:30

So toss it all. Give him a deadline and then toss it.

The solution is not actually complicated, you just need the will to do it.

MrsMoon76 · 06/12/2013 14:39

This is my husband - we solved it to some degree when we moved! I had originally moved in with him but the new house was a fresh start and extra clutter will not be tolerated. He knows its a problem and is actually very embarrassed by the whole thing. His office is still a hazard but that's "his" room so I let him at it.

TheListingAttic · 06/12/2013 14:57

Well! At least I can console myself my husband isn't the only one! Paperwork, knick knacks, books, old cards, unread magazines, three times as many clothes as I have, four times as many shoes as I have, six times as many coats as I have, old ticket stubs, random bits of furniture we'll 'find somewhere for', decorative mugs, plates, tea sets, trays, cute cutlery, family heirloom cutlery, ugly pieces of tat 'but so-and-so gave it to me', broken board games, new board games we've never played, over fifty packs of playing cards ('but they're got different patterns on them!'), scarves, badges, old watch chains, ornaments, more ornaments, pieces of old cardboard ('it's good for kindling'), string and bubble wrap that 'might be useful one day', bags, 'better' pans than the ones we have that he still won't get rid of, tools we don't use, kitchen gadgets, and that's before we even get to the sodding Christmas decorations that seem to swell every year. We have a miniature plastic Christmas tree in our BATHROOM. And it's NOT THE FIRST TIME! (May have just outed myself with that one....)

Those lucky, lucky people saying 'just chuck it out' have no idea. At all. 'Give him a deadline'? He thinks 'I will' is a perfectly reasonable answer to the question 'when?'

Rollermum · 06/12/2013 15:03

Sympathies to everyone living with a hoarder. It sounds really hard and from what I understand it can be really hard for them to let things go and their friends and relatives can't always overcome it by chucking it out for them.

I was just getting annoyed about my DH's various piles of stuff in the lounge but is small fry compared to this. Perspective gained.

Original poster
snooter · 06/12/2013 15:34

Attic - yes, old tickets, old cards - he won't throw out anything that has ever been given to him as a gift of any sort, even if it's hideous, broken, out of style, been superseded, whatever, even if I gave it to him & agree it's actually awful!!

OP posts:
samandi · 06/12/2013 15:35

If there's so much stuff you can't move then it sounds a safety hazard if nothing else. Haven't you seen the hoarder programmes? They're always finding dead mice and insects lying under crap. You can't keep a house that's full of crap clean. I hope you don't have kids.

Sorry if that came out a bit harsh, but seriously, if there's that much clutter you need to get it sorted.

Original poster
snooter · 06/12/2013 15:39

I don't think we have vermin! Yet!. I'm sure the cats would be getting excited if we had. It's clean, doesn't smell, it's mostly paperwork (including unopened post going back literally years that will take some shredding & a half). Dusty though - I don't clean the heaps.

OP posts:
Mumsyblouse · 06/12/2013 15:44

Can you designate part of the house as 'his space' and put it all in there? I expect the communal parts of the house, kitchen, living room to be tidy and visitable by friends/family except on a temporary basis- if stuff starts to accumulate, I just take it upstairs and put it in his room/office, but equally I would move it to the loft/shed/even one bedroom, anything to be able to live in the downstairs part without clutter.

I also agree moving is a good excuse to get rid of lots of stuff but if not, have a designated area and keep his crap in it, if you are too embarrassed to have people over, think how the children feel- the same.

TheListingAttic · 06/12/2013 15:47

snooter

even if I gave it to him & agree it's actually awful - I know! What's with that?!

including unopened post going back literally years - I KNOW!

if there's that much clutter you need to get it sorted - tell me how, samandi, just tell me how.

Original poster
snooter · 06/12/2013 15:49

Last time we moved the crap was boxed up & came with us - some of it is still in boxes from 15 years ago. Occasionally I attack a box & chuck out stuff & he seems pleased, but if he looks at what I'm actually doing he wants to keep all of the ancient magazines, timetables, whatever. If I didn't work I'd just steadily work through it all & sod the consequences. I have too little spare time to get ahead of it at the moment
Sad Angry

OP posts:
PrimalLass · 06/12/2013 15:49

I agree with Mumsyblouse. If you have 'rooms' upstairs with all his stuff in then designate one for it (if possibe). Even if it means going Ikea-crazy and filling it with shelves.

Original poster
snooter · 06/12/2013 15:52

I'm not embarrassed to have people over, he is. I'd have them come & sit about in/on the heaps & just carry on as if everything were normal. He says it's too messy to have people round - I think he uses that as an excuse not to have visitors - denies it, naturally!

OP posts:
BlackDaisies · 06/12/2013 15:55

My ex was like this except in his case it was tools, tins, letters, money, nails..... Like you say they littered every surface and floors. It slowly crept into every room and then the garden too! If I said anything about it I was a "nag". Leaving and setting up my own home has been like a breath of fresh air. Not advising you to leave - there were all sorts if other problems too. Looking back though, if it had only been the clutter I would be more ruthless. Give a deadline after which you will slowly bin the contents if each room if he doesn't get rid of it. Living like that is unbelievably depressing, but you don't really appreciate quite how much until it stops.

Butterytoast · 06/12/2013 15:56

I'd bin it all. Give a date to get rid by and if not it goes in him liners and is taken down the tip. If it's been buried under pikes for years it's not important

Butterytoast · 06/12/2013 15:57

Piles not pikes!!!!

SapphireMoon · 06/12/2013 16:06

Sympathies op.
I have similar problem though will manage to get a tree up.
I am not happy with the clutter in our house but it can feel overwhelming to deal with when you live with a person who simply builds it.

EirikurNoromaour · 06/12/2013 16:11

This is a diagnosable mental health condition. He needs to take steps to address it by going to the GP in the first instance.

Original poster
snooter · 06/12/2013 16:17

Yeah right - like that'll ever happen Smile

OP posts: