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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that on the first date the man should pick the venue

54 replies

Laurel1979 · 06/12/2013 12:48

.... or am I old fashioned!! I got some great advice from you guys last time I posted about (disastrous) Internet dating so thought I'd ask again...

I have met a nice guy online, lovely to talk to on the phone, seems easy to get on with, have lots is common etc etc. So we are going out tomorrow night, and plan to go for a meal. He's going to pick me up (I'm pretty sure he's not a serial killer and actually know some people he knows, where he works etc). We left it that he'd pick somewhere to go. But today he texts me and asks if I'd like to pick, he just said he'd be happy with whatever my choice is, however he doesn't want to go anywhere in the city where I live (small city, a million nice places we could go). He lives about 20 miles away in a nearby small town/large village. So I ask where he wants to go then, and he says anywhere I want. I have a couple of ideas for places but they are all in the city, I genuinely don't know other places, bar randomly picking somewhere from Yellow Pages. AIBU to let this bother me so much? Maybe Im dreaming too much of being swept off my feet and am expecting chivalry as Im too long out of the dating scene (have been a single mum for ) years! I'd love some impartial advice..,

OP posts:
DustyBaubles · 06/12/2013 12:52

Well if neither of you can make a decision about where to go, you're going to have a whale of a time trying to decide when to call it a night Grin. You could be stuck there procrastinating for hours!

I wold probably choose to meet somewhere I am familiar with, with an easy get out clause/route home, and would never expect that a dinner date should choose for me.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 06/12/2013 12:55

I think having some choice is good. That way you can pick somewhere that is easy and safe for you to get home from if things aren't going to plan.

LimitedEditionLady · 06/12/2013 12:55

Its nice he asked you tbh,shows hes thinking about you enjoying yourself.I would get irritated with the indecisiveness though.Me and oh are the same we drive each other nuts!

MrsBungleScare · 06/12/2013 12:55

Erm, yabu! This surely is not a big deal! Just pick somewhere not in the city!

Flisspaps · 06/12/2013 12:56

YABU

Ginocchio · 06/12/2013 12:56

YANBU to expect your date to choose on this occasion - if he doesn't want to go out in the city, then it's up to him to come up with an alternative.

However, YABU to think that "the man should pick". Why? Will you expect him to also decide what you wear, what you eat or drink?

jacks365 · 06/12/2013 12:57

It would ring alarm bells with me. Why doesn't he want to go out in the city? I think if you are going to put such major restrictions on someone then you're not really giving them a choice. Is he perhaps hoping that by making it so difficult that you'll suggest cooking at home instead? You say you know some of the same people have you actually mentioned him to any of them?

Wishihadabs · 06/12/2013 12:58

Take this with a huge pinch of salt (married for 8 years). But I would say it doesn't bode brilliantly well. I would definitely expect a bloke to be able to pick out a reasonable venue. Possibly even going so far as to scope it out first, maybe have 2 or 3 in mind when he picks you up and say "what do you fancy tonight? I thought maybe x or y?" But be open to suggestions too.

As I say feel free to ignore me, I met DH at 22 and so probably have unrealistically glamorous expectations of dating as grown ups.

SugarHut · 06/12/2013 13:03

For no real reason I would always expect the man to choose. But I would be fine with him saying "why don't you pick?" too.

What I would annoyed with with is, "You pick dear.." "Ok..well, the places I know that are nice are, x, y, z....all in the city" "Oh, no, none of those, pick something else."

No. If you ask me to choose, then I choose, and you don't tell me that we can't go there... surely?

I would just say, "All the nice places I know of are in the city, so if you're not too sure about those, let's go for somewhere nice near you. I really like Italian/Thai/French/Greek (etc) what's the nicest one close to you?"

MadonnaKebab · 06/12/2013 13:04

That's odd
Sounds like he's saying you can pick anywhere you like except for anywhere you're likely to know
Seems rather controlling, not related to gender in any way
But a person should either ask you to choose, or should choose themselves, or should suggest a budget/ mention dietary restrictions or whatever and you work it out between the two of you
This sounds like you are being set up to fail or something

LurcioLovesFrankie · 06/12/2013 13:06

OK, reading all of your post rather than the title, YANBU, but the source of your uneasiness is about something other than you think it is! Agree with Jacks. If he wants you to choose, he should be happy with somewhere you know near where you live. If he's expecting you to take lucky dip from the yellow pages on some place near where he lives... well, he could be socially inept, or he could just want to get you on the back foot on his home turf. I'd pick somewhere you like in the city near where you live. If he's an okay bloke, he'll be happy with that, if he kicks off, you'll know to bin him.

HellonHeels · 06/12/2013 13:11

Your title is BU (and slightly ridiculous IMO)

However based on what you describe in your post HIBU. If you're choosing, then you get to choose. Fine for him to say "anything except

BlueStones · 06/12/2013 13:11

The "Whatever you want ... " "You decide ... " brigade drive me nuts. It's just abrogating responsibility!

(sore point; I have a mother who refuses to even pick which biscuit she wants from the tin ... "I don't mind ... whatever ... " Grrrrrr

randomquicknamechange · 06/12/2013 13:12

In general I think the person who asks someone else to go out should pick whether that is the man or the woman.

In this case I think it is a bit odd he wants you to choose but doesn't want to go to the city you know.

Rooners · 06/12/2013 13:14

This isn't about a general protocol - it's about one bloke being difficult.

If he persists in being picky and making you 'please him' by choosing something within impossible parameters then say goodbye!

Ephiny · 06/12/2013 13:16

I don't agree about 'the man should pick' - what happens when two women go on a date, do they have to call a male friend to choose the venue for them??

Some other things sound a bit odd though. It would surely make sense for you to choose the place if it was going to be somewhere in your city, but for him to at least make a suggestion if it's to be in his area, that you're not familiar with.

KitZacJak · 06/12/2013 13:17

If he is picking you up it would make sense to eat out in your city. He is not really giving you a choice is he. Why not just say I know some really nice restaurants in the city I live in and list a few.

dreamingbohemian · 06/12/2013 13:19

SugarHut has the perfect response. Does he know you don't know places where he lives?

Your title is quite silly (sorry) but I imagine what you mean is, AIBU to want a man to sweep me off my feet on our first date? I think it's not wrong to want that, but it's not often that it happens I think, so it shouldn't be a dealbreaker.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 06/12/2013 13:26

The "Whatever you want ... " "You decide ... " brigade drive me nuts. It's just abrogating responsibility!

Are you me? My DM can't even choose a cup of tea OR a cup of coffee. That's why I am such a bossy boots natural leader.

Anyhow...

OP YANBU with regard to the guy - if he wants to go somewhere specific he should choose and not be a weirdo. YABU wrt to your post title and your last para.

I would just choose somewhere you like in your city.

oscarwilde · 06/12/2013 13:30

Has he got a girlfriend already and wants to avoid going out in the city in case he is seen? How bizarre

The person paying should pick. Given he lives 20 miles away and it's a first date, you should pick somewhere close to home so you can cut it short and get home safely if you need to or he is as boring as hell Smile

Alternatively - ask Mumsnet for local recommendations.

Financeprincess · 06/12/2013 13:32

I don't think your title is silly, OP. Let the bloke do a bit of work on the first date!

I'm with the posters who say that his "you choose!" policy is just putting the responsibility on you. Except that you can't pick any venues you know, and feel comfortable in, in your city, because he doesn't want to go out there. Why? He should be making it easy for you!

In your shoes I'd say, "I'd prefer to go out in [insert name of city here] because I know the venues better here". Then he either accepts it or has to tell you why he isn't keen on going out there. I hope he's not banned from all the bars (joke).

Good luck. Internet dating is a numbers game so keep on surfing for alternatives in case this one doesn't work out!

dreamingbohemian · 06/12/2013 13:33

I do think it's a bad idea to let him pick you up and go out in his town. Knowing some people who know him is not really enough to trust him. At least be sure you can get a taxi home if you need to.

Ms23 · 06/12/2013 13:41

What is his reason for not wanting to go somewhere in your city (i.e. somewhere near you that you can make a quick exit if neccessary and not rely on him for a lift home)? It sounds a bit dodgy to me.

SinisterSal · 06/12/2013 13:43

I don't like the sound of this - why is he limiting the options so much by dismissing the city and insisting on a small town? small towns are shit foir dates compared to a city. Why should you make all the travelling effort for something less fun?

nauticant · 06/12/2013 13:45

You've not even been on a first date and he's already looking a bit shifty, awkward, and slightly controlling.

I have high hopes for your future happiness!

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