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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that on the first date the man should pick the venue

54 replies

Laurel1979 · 06/12/2013 12:48

.... or am I old fashioned!! I got some great advice from you guys last time I posted about (disastrous) Internet dating so thought I'd ask again...

I have met a nice guy online, lovely to talk to on the phone, seems easy to get on with, have lots is common etc etc. So we are going out tomorrow night, and plan to go for a meal. He's going to pick me up (I'm pretty sure he's not a serial killer and actually know some people he knows, where he works etc). We left it that he'd pick somewhere to go. But today he texts me and asks if I'd like to pick, he just said he'd be happy with whatever my choice is, however he doesn't want to go anywhere in the city where I live (small city, a million nice places we could go). He lives about 20 miles away in a nearby small town/large village. So I ask where he wants to go then, and he says anywhere I want. I have a couple of ideas for places but they are all in the city, I genuinely don't know other places, bar randomly picking somewhere from Yellow Pages. AIBU to let this bother me so much? Maybe Im dreaming too much of being swept off my feet and am expecting chivalry as Im too long out of the dating scene (have been a single mum for ) years! I'd love some impartial advice..,

OP posts:
livinginawinterwonderland · 06/12/2013 13:46

Based on your title, YABU.
Based on your OP and following posts, YANBU.

But, this seems dodgy. I would arrange to meet him somewhere - take your own car or make sure you can get a taxi/call a friend to pick you up. Why would he not want to go out in the city? Does he have a girlfriend/wife/partner? Why insist on picking you up and taking you somewhere where you'll rely on him to get back home again?

firesidechat · 06/12/2013 13:49

I think the conversation should go something like this. A and B can be male or female. Apologies for the stilted dialogue, but I don't ever intend to write a best selling romance.

A Would you like to go on a date?
B I would love to.
A Do you have anywhere that you particularly like?
B Yes ...........
or
Not really.
A That's a date.
or
Perhaps we could try ........

I'm quite old, as opposed to old fashioned, and I wouldn't automatically expect the man to make the decision.

Letting you decide but vetoing a whole city without a good reason just sounds a bit bizarre. It's then not really up to you is it? Vetoing Japanese food on the basis that you don't like it is sensible, but a whole city full of restaurants?

Also his attitude may indicate terminal indecisiveness or it may not. Hard to tell really.

QuintessentialShadows · 06/12/2013 13:50

Yanbu. I would not date him.

He is asking you to pick a venue for a date, in a town you dont know 20 miles away, and he is refusing to go out in the town you know and live in. Hmm

Ephiny · 06/12/2013 13:50

I agree actually that if it's a first date, and he's driving and picking you up, then you'd be better off going somewhere in your own city, so just in case things don't go well, you're not dependent on him to get home.

Did he not give any reason for not wanting to go out in the city? Can't be travel-related if he's coming there anyway to pick you up Confused

QuintessentialShadows · 06/12/2013 13:51

Is he keen to get you drunk near his own home, 20 miles away from yours, and think he will take you home?

nauticant · 06/12/2013 13:53

OP, you could say "Actually it would suit me much better if we could go to X place in the city. Is there any particular reason why going to the city would cause you a problem?"

At the very least, it'll give you a preliminary indication of whether he can accommodate other people's preferences.

Ephiny · 06/12/2013 13:54

Actually on a first date I'd prefer to sort out my own transport and meet somewhere neutral, rather than being picked up.

nauticant · 06/12/2013 14:01

Is he keen to get you drunk near his own home, 20 miles away from yours, and think he will take you home?

He only needs to have a couple of drinks himself, then he can say he can't drive you back, and, well, you'll "have" to stay over in the village.

firesidechat · 06/12/2013 14:03

Hmmm, I think I agree with the other posters who are recommending caution.

It's a very long time since I did any first dates and I think I've forgotten some of the rules. I also misread the post and thought that you actually knew him slightly. Knowing some work mates doesn't really cut it.

I would make sure I had my own transport and definitely not rely on a lift from him. I would also make it closer to home for a quick get away. Have you asked him about why he doesn't want to go to your city? Surely that makes the most sense and I would expect a good reason as to why not.

tobiasfunke · 06/12/2013 14:06

The weird thing is he is picking you up and then driving you all the way back to where he lives to have dinner. I too suspect he may suddenly have 'one too many' to drink. Have you a plan on how to get back from his if you're not planning to stay.

Original poster
Laurel1979 · 06/12/2013 14:13

Thanks so much for all the replies, I love the honesty on Mumsnet! Yes in hindsight I see that my title is a bit daft, making me look a little 1950's in attitude.....

I think the reason he doesn't want to go in the city is that he's a country person (was going to write bumpkin but couldn't think of a polite word for it). We've now ascertained that we both would like Indian food and I doubt they have anywhere decent in his town, so the city it is. If he doesn't come up with somewhere Im going to book a restaurant, and then I'll also be able to get a taxi home as its close enough to where I live. I do hate indecisiveness though, I think he's probably trying to be nice by giving me the choice, it's just that we had already agreed last week he'd pick somewhere.....

Thanks for all getting back to me so quickly, I was just doing school run and couldn't reply earlier.

OP posts:
SinisterSal · 06/12/2013 14:38

Or maybe he wants to get good and drunk himself without having to fork out for a twenty mile taxi trip.
Might be a bit Fond of the Jar (as we Irish country bumpkins say) rather than a bit sinister or manipulative. Not good either though

TheHeadlessLadyofCannock · 06/12/2013 16:45

I can't even deal with the actual subject of your OP because the fact that he doesn't want to eat in your city is so weird and such a red flag! Even if he is just a 'bumpkin' Grin, tbh that'd be enough to put me off him. I think he needs to grow up.

But I like your idea: pick somewhere Indian you like and where you can get home from easily, and present it to him as a fait accompli. If he moans then just point out that you know this place is nice whereas you don't know any of the places in his town.

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange · 06/12/2013 16:57

I like yes people not no people. He sounds like a no person. Not suggesting a place but saying no to a lot of other places.

IrisWildthyme · 06/12/2013 16:59

I would normally think YABU because I find any attitude that women should be subservient and passive massively irritating and the "old fashioned" (as you put it) expectation for the man to be the active instigator in early dating is a symptom of the innate sexism in our culture. However, in this case I think YABU because on a first date any self-respecting person should feel able to cut it short and go home early if it's not going well, so expecting him to chose where you go, and not even having an issue with him insisting it's somewhere inconvenient to get to and from, rings massive alarm bells for me.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 06/12/2013 17:06

What if there's no man? Or two men? Who decides then?

Yup old fashioned sillyness i'm afraid OP. no reason one gender should decide over the other. Having or not having a penis does not make a person better or worse qualified to decide where to go.

LessMissAbs · 06/12/2013 17:18

I agree this is an annoying trait. He is putting all the responsibility for arrangements onto you. I don't think I'm unusual in that I would want to be ever so slightly impressed by a man on the first date, and he is starting off on the wrong foot, by appearing vague and disorganised.

Seems par for the course for online dating though.

Original poster
Laurel1979 · 06/12/2013 20:50

Thanks again, I loved all the replies and the honesty! Thank goodness he rang me earlier to say he's booked a restaurant, it's only 2 miles from my house so I'll book a taxi home. Gosh online dating is stressful, if this doesn't work out I think I'll give it up!

OP posts:
SinisterSal · 06/12/2013 20:59

Great Xmas Smile

lets hope he was just as nervous as you and was kicking himself at coming across all wishy washy when he was just aiming for accommating.

good luck

reelingaroundthechristmastree · 06/12/2013 21:02

Grow up.

nauticant · 06/12/2013 21:15

Merry Christmas to you too.

manticlimactic · 06/12/2013 22:08

The "Whatever you want ... " "You decide ... " brigade drive me nuts. It's just abrogating responsibility!

Same here. I dumped a bloke who was like this ALL the time. After a year of it enough was enough and I decided to dump him...even then it was 'ah ok whatever you want' AARRRRRGH!!

ShinyBauble · 06/12/2013 22:15

It's a good idea to take note of little niggly things, because they will often be the things that are doing your head in two years down the road!

MyMILisfromHELL · 06/12/2013 22:16

Yabu. What century are you leaving in?

MyMILisfromHELL · 06/12/2013 22:17

That meant to say living. Sorry I'm a bit pished.

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