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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be disappointed that I am not the friend I thought I was?

51 replies

LetMeAtTheWine · 05/12/2013 22:11

I have always thought I was quite a good friend. I care about my friends enormously and would go to the ends of the earth for them. If I can help anyone out I will and I am always happy to listen if they need to vent. I give my honest opinion to people and if I am prepared to say something about someone, I am prepared to say it TO them as well.
It occurred to me tonight though, that I am pretty rubbish when it comes to keeping confidence. I don't blab to everyone but I rarely keep things entirely to myself, even if they ask me to. I can't be trusted. And who needs a friend that can't be trusted? Sad

OP posts:
Mybeautifullife · 05/12/2013 22:16

I only stay friends with those I can trust, it's the main thing for me. People who treat confidences as public info just enrage me! And loud conversations in restaurants on sensitive topics , well....... :(

harticus · 05/12/2013 22:19

Well ok so you have discovered a flaw in yourself.
Nobody's perfect.
Just be mindful of it and try to avoid doing it in the future.
And yes - people who betray confidences are shits.

AndiPandi · 05/12/2013 22:19

I could have written that myself! Also a recent realisation. I think I only discuss issues in an effort to be helpful, with people I trust to either help directly or to get another perspective or advice but have realised that often it isn't my place to do so. Am making an effort to think before speaking in future.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 05/12/2013 22:19

Why do you do it?

I always keep a secret. I hate it when I tell people something in confidence then I find out they've blabbed.

OnMyHand · 05/12/2013 22:21

Stop it...just stop it. Gossip is nasty and insidious.

defineme · 05/12/2013 22:21

I wonder if you're being too black and white about this?
Life is grey for me eg I don't count telling dh something as blabbing as I tell him everything (not that he's interested!) and he'd never tell anyone else.
I have friends in different cities who will never meet - I share stuff if I think it's helpful - not for the sake of gossip but to help honest!
No one's dumped me as a friend yet.

Pancakeflipper · 05/12/2013 22:22

I am sadly withdrawing slowly from a very dear friend as she has recently formed a habit of telling another friend of hers stuff I tell her. The other friend is the village gossip and I overheard her telling some stranger to me about something I thought was in confidence regarding my child.

It's hard seeing my close friend and not sharing our lives and she can feel me buttoning up and not saying as much.
It's horrible.

rabbitlady · 05/12/2013 22:22

secrets are for sharing. if they're not, people don't tell you in the first place.

QOD · 05/12/2013 22:23

I do this a bit BUT I have some totally separate groups of friends! School mum, work, running and childhood. If a school mum friend tells me something and I need to talk it thru, I might discuss it, with no names, (even though they do nt know each other anyway ) with someone from running.
Sometimes you do actually need to talk thru things you're told

AndiPandi · 05/12/2013 22:27

Defineme - I think that is me too. I don't count DH because he is my sounding board so if I am upset or troubled by something a friend has told me, I will talk to him about it. But I know 100% it would go no further. Sometimes I might also discuss friends that don't know each other if I think it will help. I don't think I gossip about my friends. Although I have to confess I have found myself becoming more gossipy about others and I'm trying to fix that too!

Original poster
LetMeAtTheWine · 05/12/2013 22:27

I do it if I think I need some perspective/advice on a situation. Not that it makes it ok, I know. How can I have got this far along in life and never thought about it before? I hadn't even considered myself as a gossip because it has never been 'guess what, blah blah blah' - more 'what would you do if...'. Still, I guess it is gossiping.

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AndiPandi · 05/12/2013 22:28

I think facebook has got a lot to answer for, we see things about people we know, then discuss it with others.

Original poster
LetMeAtTheWine · 05/12/2013 22:31

Facebook is a nightmare Andi! Sometimes peoples lives just become open books.

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Tapiocapearl · 05/12/2013 22:35

I think you need to learn to keep people's confidences. Simply decide that's what you are going to do from now on.

I do sometimes confide in one friend - she is like a sister, lives a long distance away and knows non of my friends.

Original poster
LetMeAtTheWine · 05/12/2013 22:37

You are right tapioca but I am so disappointed in myself. I am worried that I am just a gossip after all.

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Lilacroses · 05/12/2013 22:45

Well, you've recognised it now. The fact that you're thinking about it shows you care and want to be more discrete. Now you just have to do it!

halfwayupthehill · 05/12/2013 22:46

Sorry, but telling dhs is the same as blabbing. I was gutted when a friend told her dh about my fertility treatment and asked her not to share my personal stuff with him again. She said i couldn't tell her what to tell her dh as they were married. We are no longer friends.

Original poster
LetMeAtTheWine · 05/12/2013 22:47

I suppose so, let's hope I can. If anyone still does trust me (no-one has ever said anything about it but surely must have realised at this point)

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Lilacroses · 05/12/2013 22:53

What's made you feel so aware of it now?

defineme · 05/12/2013 22:59

I don't know -I think people are different eg I wouldn't give a stuff if anyone knew about my fertility treatment - just wouldn't bother me in the slightest.
I have a dodgy past which some people might judge, but if they did they're wankers imo - not my friend who told them - I suppose I have an awful lot of trust in my friends so I'd always assume they spoke about me for reasons other than gossip and I'm also pretty open.

Original poster
LetMeAtTheWine · 05/12/2013 22:59

Just something that a friend told me in confidence, I discussed it with another friend and now feel bad about it. I am not sure why I have never felt bad in the past but do now. I think a few things have happened recently that have made me question myself and this is something that has come as a result of that. I am pretty open and generally discuss any issues in my life quite freely, I am not sure if this is why I can't be trusted with others secrets? Is it unreasonable to tell people not to tell me things in confidence?!

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Lilacroses · 05/12/2013 23:10

I agree that people are different. I'm quite an open person and say explicitly to friends if I don't want things to be shared. I would be really surprised if my friends didn't share my news with their partners..I guess I like them too so wouldn't be bothered. If you know your friend doesn't want anyone else to know then it is obviously wrong.

XmasLogAndHollyOn · 05/12/2013 23:16

I don't have time for folk who can't keep their mouths shut. I do have a few of them in my life - friends of friends, people I meet in groups - but they'll never be close friends.

You know you do it. You can change. Why not give it a go, as it would be pretty crap to spend your life missing out on really good friendships as you can't control the gossip.

I wonder if its because you don't feel that you're interesting enough to talk about yourself, in which case its about gaining confidence. If its not that and you're just a blabbermouth, then you can rein it in.

MrsPennyapple · 05/12/2013 23:25

I have one of those friends who tells her DH everything. It does mean that there are things I'd like to talk to her about, but don't. It saddens me that I can't get her advice on things, but I want to confide in her, not him. He is the biggest gossip in the world and many times has told me things about other people that I know I wouldn't want discussing.

OP, I think now that you've realised, you can be mindful of it and try to be a better confidante. Self improvement is no bad thing.

Original poster
LetMeAtTheWine · 05/12/2013 23:36

Yes, I think you are right. I just need to think before I speak. And my life isn't that interesting but I don't think that is why I am a blabber mouth (or at least I hope not Blush).

Thank you all for your comments. Self improvement here I come Wink

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