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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be disappointed that I am not the friend I thought I was?

51 replies

LetMeAtTheWine · 05/12/2013 22:11

I have always thought I was quite a good friend. I care about my friends enormously and would go to the ends of the earth for them. If I can help anyone out I will and I am always happy to listen if they need to vent. I give my honest opinion to people and if I am prepared to say something about someone, I am prepared to say it TO them as well.
It occurred to me tonight though, that I am pretty rubbish when it comes to keeping confidence. I don't blab to everyone but I rarely keep things entirely to myself, even if they ask me to. I can't be trusted. And who needs a friend that can't be trusted? Sad

OP posts:
CosyTeaBags · 05/12/2013 23:38

You're not a bad friend OP.

I'm a bit like this - I'm way too open with my own life, so sometimes I miss the boundaries of what is appropriate to talk about with regards to other people's lives.

I too will talk to my friends who live abroad about issues that might be considered 'secret' closer to home. This is in no way to gossip, but like you said, to share someone else's story to try and help a friend, or to offload etc.

I have found myself getting a lot better at keeping stuff in though - my DP is very private, but I used to share stuff about him to my parents, sister etc. However, he is currently going through quite a major change in his work life, something that will be quite exciting if it comes off. I did wonder how I would keep this a secret from my family - but you know what, I havent felt a single urge to talk about it with anyone. I think it's because DP and I keep our private talk between us, and then I forget about it when I'm with others. It just doesn't occur to me to talk about it.

I have also found myself in great admiration for a friend who is the epitome of discreet. Her powers of discretion are astounding, and I really respect her for it, and vowed to be a bit more like her.

So maybe you could try just partitioning off your mind - what's talked about with one friend, stays with that friend. Then forget it when you're with other friends.

Well done OP for recognizing it, you will be a better friend for it.

Original poster
LetMeAtTheWine · 05/12/2013 23:42

What a lovely post cosy. Thank you. Thanks

OP posts:
IThoughtThat · 05/12/2013 23:42

I am really good at keeping confidences - I think it a good habit and it means that people tell you their deepest secrets all the time Grin.

If people gossip to me about other people I presume that they will gossip about me too.

Original poster
LetMeAtTheWine · 05/12/2013 23:43

I think it is a good habit too IThought- unfortunately not a habit of mine. Until now, that is. I will be better.

OP posts:
CosyTeaBags · 05/12/2013 23:49

You're welcome OP - When I read your thread title, I thought "Oh was she not there for someone when they needed her", but as I read on, I thought you sounded like a lovely, thoughtful friend.

Heck, some people DO gossip about their friends, purely to titillate and show off that they know stuff other's don't. I don't think you're doing that at all, you're just getting the boundaries a bit wrong sometimes. Something I've been guilty of many a time.

Go easy on yourself, learn from your mistakes, and enjoy your friendships

CosyTeaBags · 05/12/2013 23:51

You know what, also OP - if and when someone does tell you a major secret, it feels really good to know that you're doing the right thing by keeping it in.

Then, when the truth comes out, it feels even better to know that your friend knows you held on to their secret. There's a sense of pride in doing the right thing that really feels good.

IThoughtThat · 05/12/2013 23:54

I am sure you will be ok and I am sure you are a good friend Thanks

If you were gossiping in a malicious way then you would be a bad friend but being a bit chatty isn't the end of the world.

Nagoo · 05/12/2013 23:57

I only get into trouble if I don't recognise that something is a secret.

I am very open so I get a bit confused sometimes about why I shouldn't have said x about y. I don't seem to grasp the politics of things sometimes. But if I get told 'don't tell anyone else' then obviously I know to keep my mouth shut!

rpitchfo · 06/12/2013 00:04

Agh secrets. Things everyone knows not to tell anyone else

SomethingOnce · 06/12/2013 00:18

And yes - people who betray confidences are shits

This.

Lavenderhoney · 06/12/2013 01:44

A friend of mine listened whilst I told something that had happened to me in total confidence and asked her not it discuss with anyone else before I did so. She agreed. She blabbed same day to someone else. She told me she had blabbed as she felt so guilty.

The worst thing was she had previously shared very personal issues and financial details with me over a period of months and I was totally in her confidence and have never told anyone or even intimated I had knowledge.

She apologised but the damage was done. I am pleasant when I see her but I avoid meeting her as a friend now as I just don't trust her. I haven't got time to mess about thinking before I speak.

Interestingly- I wonder if other friends I tell things to pass it on? I just wouldn't know. So has the friend who fessed up been more honest and trustworthy than the ones who assure me they don't pass info on which is regarded as secret?

Clowdy · 06/12/2013 01:55

I am guilty of this and it plays on my mind sometimes. I do consider myself to be a good friend and I am, in the main, an incredibly good keeper of confidences but occasionally I have repeated things that I shouldn't have. Usually, it is because I need advice on how to advise if that makes sense. Doesn't make it any better though, I suppose. I may have a rethink myself.

Morloth · 06/12/2013 03:05

So stop doing it.

I do tell DH pretty much everything. The only people who would be sharing confidences with me know this, so if they choose not to share that with me, that is OK.

Honestly though, I don't want to know people's secrets and don't make any secret of this either. See what I did there? Grin

garlicbaubles · 06/12/2013 03:30

I need to be told most explicitly if something's a real secret. Most of the time, I'd rather not be told tbh. If it's that big a deal, keep it to yourself! I've also felt very pissed off when I've kept as silent as Space about something, only to find it's not a secret any more and I got left out of the big reveal.

This is all so much easier now, with bundles of different friends online. It's easier to discuss things anonymously if I need to unburden a confidence, and closed groups mean personal stuff can be shared & discussed more safely. In a real-life community, I reckon folks should pretty much keep their own secrets or accept that leaks will happen.

ocelot41 · 06/12/2013 06:41

Ok, so you're not perfect, but you are working on it, OP. I became aware that I had done something similar myself recently - and when I did some navel-gazing about it I worked out that one of the reasons why I had done it was because I feel pretty boring at the moment. All the exciting shows I used to see, films I used to go to, books I had read-poof! in a cloud of young child-dom. All I do is work and look after kids and work some more. Not that that is any kind of excuse but it helps me get to the root of the problem which is I need to a/keep mouth zipped in future and b/ find ways of fitting more interesting stuff into my life so I have other things to talk about instead. What a saddo that makes me, but hey self awareness is sometimes a bit painful!

Bumblequeen · 06/12/2013 09:26

You are aware of your behaviour. That is a start.

When friends/family speak to me in confidence which happens a lot I never discuss this with anyone else.

I do not trust anyone who reveals personal information about another person. An acquaintance once revealed very personal information about someone and it made me feel very uncomfortable. It was very wrong of her.

blackandwhiteandredallover · 06/12/2013 09:37

A good friend of mine recently told me some hair raising stuff about a schoolfriend of hers who she still sees regularly- and not in an asking for advice way, more of a 'listen to this funny story' way. I don't know if she had been asked to keep it a secret but it has definitely made me think twice about sharing anything personal with her.

And if something has been told to me in confidence I definitely don't tell DH. We may be married but we are still separate people! plus he is the biggest gossip going

Topaz25 · 06/12/2013 10:48

There is not one perfect friend for everything, because people aren't perfect. People might have friends who meet different needs for them, the friend they can have fun with, the friend who helps them out, the friend they can confide in, etc. Not being good at one thing doesn't make you a bad friend. It might be best to let friends know, in a gentle, light-hearted way, that you have trouble keeping secrets so they don't share things they need to remain private.

Now you know this about yourself you can work on it. You wouldn't feel bad about this if you were doing it maliciously. Consider why you blab, is it for attention? How could you get that it a positive way? Like any bad habit, you are getting something out of blabbing and when you remove that 'reward' it is easier to quit.

CosyTeaBags · 06/12/2013 11:21

There is not one perfect friend for everything, because people aren't perfect. People might have friends who meet different needs for them, the friend they can have fun with, the friend who helps them out, the friend they can confide in, etc. Not being good at one thing doesn't make you a bad friend.

^^ To this

garlicbaubles · 06/12/2013 15:06

To those of you who value secrecy in your friends - can I ask why you tell them your private stuff? How many people would you tell, on average?

sisterofmercy · 06/12/2013 19:26

Are you perhaps lacking in a bit of self confidence? It sounds like you are unsure what to do with people's confidences so need advice from others.

It seems to me that if people confide in you they have faith in you. They want you to listen sympathetically and perhaps advise but you don't need to take their problems on yourself and solve them. Just listen because you are giving them the power to sort their own problems out.

Oblomov · 06/12/2013 19:39

I said something once that I shouldn't have said. I have thus been almost ignored for the last year.
But, I told A) that B) had agreed with me, that A) was being unfair. I suppose I did it in desperation.

But, I think well, although not my greatest triumph, B) did said it, so why should I be embarrassed.

But I have paid a hard price.
I have learnt a lot. About others. And examined myself deeply, over the whole issue.

garlicbaubles · 06/12/2013 19:44

It's a bit tough, though, isn't it, Oblomov? A says "You're wrong and everyone agrees with me," you say "Not everyone! B agrees I'm right," and B promptly cuts you off for repeating her view.

That's how 'Wendys' work; they rely on everybody keeping stuff from one another. The more I think about it - which, tbh, I hadn't much until this thread - the less I want friends who have/keep secrets.

garlicbaubles · 06/12/2013 19:46

... So you can be my pal, OP Grin

DoYouLikeMyBaubles · 06/12/2013 19:46

do something about it then? It's not hard to keep your mouth shut.