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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get frustrated at people looking down at me?

35 replies

DaddyIsHome · 05/12/2013 17:08

I dont know what peoples problem is, I know im a young dad and you can see i had a few facial peircings (Permanantly out now) and i have a few tattoos but why look at me with that look of im better than you or give me any less service in a shop? It is extremely frustrating, im a nice guy and like to think im a great dad. I just feel im judged for being young and dont think its right.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 05/12/2013 17:09

Are you sure people are looking down at you and its not just you imagining things?

5Foot5 · 05/12/2013 17:09

Well it isn't right. But are you sure people are judging you or could you just be hyper-sensitive to what people might be thinking?

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 05/12/2013 17:12

You are assuming what people's reasons are for looking at you without knowing. Tbh your assumptions say far more about you than they do about the other people. If you expect people to judge you then you will look for confirmation of that judging. Stop expecting to be judged. Validate yourself and dont seek or accept it from elsewhere. If you think you are a decent person then you are and you dont need to notice if others are looking at you. Have confidence in yourself.

sunbathe · 05/12/2013 17:13

What are they actually doing?

Original poster
DaddyIsHome · 05/12/2013 17:15

I think its a bit of both to be honest. I wont shop in mamas and papas anymore though because the staff are always lovely in there to everyone but me, i have witnessed then be lovely to customers then as unhelpful as anything to me and the security guard always seems to mysteriously appear near me. I am a bit sensitive to things like this but im sure its a mix of both.

OP posts:
CailinDana · 05/12/2013 17:15

If you're geared up for being looked down on then you could be giving off defensive vibes, which coupled with the tatoos and piercings could be intimidating people. Try smiling as much as you can. Anyone worth your time will respond kindly.

Everyone feels judged to a certain extent. The key is not to give others the power to belittle you.

TheWomanTheyCallJayne · 05/12/2013 17:15

I thought you were going to say you're really short.

I think we sometimes see things that we look for.
It's like noticing all the pregnant women when we're broody.

People won't really care if you're young (unless you're 13 or something) or if you have tattoos or piercings. Plenty of people have them.

custardo · 05/12/2013 17:15

I got the same when I was a young mum ( not anymore by a long stretch)

fuck 'em they don't know you - you think you're great that is all that matters

CailinDana · 05/12/2013 17:16

Oh and I've always found the staff in M&P horrible.

Original poster
DaddyIsHome · 05/12/2013 17:18

Thanks for the replies, maybe i as you say im just expecting to be judged so thats what im seeing Grin Custardo its good to know im not the only one Grin

OP posts:
CailinDana · 05/12/2013 17:19

Your kids will always think you're fantastic.

Original poster
DaddyIsHome · 05/12/2013 17:20

CalinDana thats interesting because they always seem really nice to everyone else. You think theyd be nice with the prices of some of their stuff.

OP posts:
YoureBeingASillyBilly · 05/12/2013 17:20

" i thought you were going to say youre really short"

GrinGrinGrin

howling

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 05/12/2013 17:22

I find when i give out confident, friendly vibes and assume i will be treated well then i am. If i'm stand offish or nervous then people think there is something to be nervous about serving me and will give me wary looks. Like i'm about to bite them Grin

If you arent confident then fake it. Just to see if you notice a difference in How you are treated.

JustGettingOnWithIt · 05/12/2013 17:26

Learn to travel with dignity in adversity.

I was probably a rather younger mum than you are a dad. (hope so for your sake!)
I was very looked down on, people felt free to comment for many years, then something happened to leave me looking rough as a badgers bum, and they felt free to comment and judge on that too.

Who you are is what matters, not who other people think you are, and you need to learn to hold your dignity so your children learn who the lesser and greater person really is.

Original poster
DaddyIsHome · 05/12/2013 17:29

Thanks guys, i think i need to seem a bit more confident. Im not normally too bad but if im a bit more confident and smiley then hopefully all will be good Grin

OP posts:
HavantGuard · 05/12/2013 17:32

I've had the same attitude from a pricey furniture shop where the woman turned her back on me and walked off when I tried to ask her something. She judged that I couldn't afford to shop there. You might feel it's because you're young but there will still be arsey people working in shops when you're 60. They're not worth getting upset about though at the time I was deeply pissed off . I was actually there to buy not to browse so she's the one who lost out.

Bettercallsaul1 · 05/12/2013 17:33

People always judge by appearances, I'm afraid, untilthey get to know you and judge you by your personality instead.

Until facial piercings and tattoos become badges of " respectability" , strangers and shop assistants may continue. to look askance!

ItsIgginningToLookALotLikeXmas · 05/12/2013 17:40

It's not people looking down on you though is it, it is shop workers who have their own reasons for doing so based on who they view as being more likely to steal. You didn't get the piercings and tattoos to blend in and look like everyone else, a certain amount of attention is inevitable - but worry about how your friends treat you, not shop security guards etc.

Beastofburden · 05/12/2013 17:46

my friend got divorced when she was late 40s and went to buy a big shiny fuck off car to cheer herself up. She went in her jeans. BMW made the big mistake of patronising her. So she bought a merc sports car. She is actually a very wealthy and successful career woman but she made the mistake of being blonde and female in a car showroom.

Maybe the security guard does materialise near you. It's not fair but it's how they do their job, by making assumptions. A lot of the people they have genuine trouble with also are young and have tattoos and piercings. As long as they don't allege anything, and leave you to get on with it, I think they are just trying to get it right.

You can walk tall, make eye contact and ask for service. People will get the message.

But I'm afraid every woman in the world is used to being misjudged and patronised because of the way we look. It's best to be friendly but absolutely clear about what you won't tolerate, I find.

formerbabe · 05/12/2013 17:57

I am a very boring looking 30 year old woman...no piercings/tattoos, I think I always look quite smart. I swear I am always being followed round stores by the security guard! I have been known to throw my merchandise down in disgust and walk out without it! I was also ignored by a make up girl for 5 minutes (she was doing nothing BTW) so I chucked the concealer down on the counter and walked off.

Service in this country is shite whoever you are

GrendelsMum · 05/12/2013 18:00

I agree with the others that you need to walk in projecting confidence and pleasure to see everyone.

Pretend you're the Queen making an official visit to open their new shop, i.e. you don't really give a toss about any of these people but you're going to nod and smile and they're all going to fall over backwards to impress you.

ccsays · 05/12/2013 18:01

"But I'm afraid every woman in the world is used to being misjudged and patronised because of the way we look. It's best to be friendly but absolutely clear about what you won't tolerate, I find."

^^
THIS.

Buying our latest car the salesman's only acknowledgement of me was "see you brought the boss with you, eh? Ho ho" to my DP. Prick.

Sorry you've made to feel this way OP. Hold your head up high and fuck 'em.*

*not literally.

misskatamari · 05/12/2013 18:02

Beast - I hope your friend went and had a "pretty woman" moment at the car show room!

OP - I'd definitely agree with the other posters - try to be confident in yourself and greet people with a smile and most people will respond in kind. Those that don't are twats so try not to let their attitudes bother you.

HoneyDragon · 05/12/2013 18:02

I always attract security guards in stores. I have concluded that rather than it being contempt, I just look naturally furtive.

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