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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know IABU but I just need to moan - works Christmas do - sorry a bit long

33 replies

Filimou · 05/12/2013 16:31

Well, I know IA probably BU, but, a little whole ago, before we started planning our Christmas ‘do’ at work I was having a conversation with a colleague, generally moaning about finances (he had asked how I manage to afford childcare FT and it turned into a general moan). Anyway, he said, during this conversation that he is so skint all the time, he dreads when we have a works lunch out or a social because he cannot afford it (he is apparently paying a shedload in child maintenance and has high commuting costs), and so he always has to try and make excuses or get out of it if its going to be expensive.
This years party will probably be slightly more costly than most. It was originally booked in for Christmas pay day. Colleague starting umming ahhing about how he couldn't make that day and “if only it were the week before, I am free then”. I know it sounds daft and I cant really explain it but I could just kind of tell that he was trying to get out of it.
I went off on leave and when I came back they had moved the date to accommodate colleague. To the week before. I cant do that week, so am gutted I am going to have to miss it, really, I dont get to go out much and I really look forward to getting together with everyone. He was still umming and ahhing and generally not talking about it or joining in everyone was making plans to meet etc, so I knew I just knew that he would leave it til close to the time and then something would come up.
Sure enough this week he has said he cant go as his car is now in for its service/mot that day and he needs to drop it off/pick it up.
I just feel really crap for him that he cant feel comfortable enough to be able to be honest with us and (selfishly) that it was moved without anyone even asking me if I was available, for someone who I know had no intention of going. I know I sound really petty and I’m likely to get flamed, but I just knew from our original conversation that he wouldn't be going.

OP posts:
bigbrick · 05/12/2013 16:34

Time for him to be straight with colleagues & for them to move he date so you can go

ohmeohmyforgotlogin · 05/12/2013 16:34

yANBU. maybe tell him so he is not such a tit next year

Mintyy · 05/12/2013 16:34

That is very annoying for you. So sorry Brew. Not much you can do about it, but it really sucks if you were looking forward to it.

Original poster
Filimou · 05/12/2013 16:36

bigbrick not sure of date can be moved as deposits are all paid and getting anywhere round here at Christmas is a pain.
There was only a couple of us in today so I might be cheeky and ask tomorrow (Though everyone else has prob made plans for then by now and I kind of feel bad for asking).

OP posts:
whois · 05/12/2013 16:36

V annoying for you!

He shouldn't have let them move the date really.

bigbrick · 05/12/2013 16:38

he needs to explain & people will understand. Hope the date can be moved or people will do something special at work for you

KateSpade · 05/12/2013 16:48

So sorry for you, I understand the financial annoyance, my friend's Christmas do with work is costing £45 each Shock I'm an employee who expects work to cough up some money for the pot!

Financeprincess · 05/12/2013 17:11

I wouldn't have much sympathy for him if I were you. He fibs about the reason he doesn't want to attend a Christmas do he never intended to go to in the first place, and you end up suffering!

He may not have been truthful with you, either. Perhaps he blamed money worries when the truth is that he just doesn't like that sort of thing.

Musicaltheatremum · 05/12/2013 17:15

Our Christmas night out for our staff costs them about £45 they pay a little each month into a kitty so can cope with it. We actually pay the other half for them as a gift and for the past 10 years or so have gone to a hotel overnight so get the use of the hotels facilities for the afternoon before and we organises a bus so no one is driving back in the morning.
This chap should tell everyone there is a problem or start saving after Christmas for the next year.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 05/12/2013 17:32

I expect he used the date as an excuse and never thought anyone would actually pay heed and move the date. He confided in you but preferred not to tell everyone else he is in dire financial straits.

Really annoying for you to miss out YANBU but I bet when they moved it to oblige him he was mortified knowing he still couldn't afford it.

Original poster
Filimou · 05/12/2013 17:36

I cant help but feel bad finance after all I cant believe he would feel he cant be honest with us about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Filimou · 05/12/2013 17:37

Exactly donkey I dont believe he ever had any intention of going.

OP posts:
Oblomov · 05/12/2013 17:39

He is annoying. Arrange a lunch or something nice aswell, for the week you can do.

Original poster
Filimou · 06/12/2013 14:16

Well, I am currently sitting at my desk (late lunch), and anyone who is in is discussing the do and he is sitting there "oh yeah, if I hadn't have had to book my car in....blah blah", if it wasn't unhinged I'd want to tell him to f++k off.
Sorry I know that is pathetic but I am just annoyed. Still. (needs to get over it emoticon).

OP posts:
OrangePixie · 06/12/2013 14:19

I don't really think its his fault. He didn't ask them to move it.

Original poster
Filimou · 06/12/2013 14:35

I know orange, it is just that he could have said before now (he has had ample opportunity) to be honest and say he isn't going.

OP posts:
flipchart · 06/12/2013 14:41

Not everyone is comfortable about being skint you know and wouldn't necessary want to be that honest in front of colleagues especially if they could apparently afford the cost with no problem.

Yes it is annoying but my sympathies are with the fella. However you seem close to be able to talk to him about it ay be point out, not in an accusing way, that it put you out. After all you want honesty.

Original poster
Filimou · 06/12/2013 14:43

I know flipchart.

OP posts:
flipchart · 06/12/2013 14:47

Sorry some of my post didn't make sense. But hope you got the jist.

Original poster
Filimou · 09/12/2013 19:23

Sorry to be bringing this up again but, I spoke to colleague today. All I said was "its too bad you cant make it, its usually a really good night, do you think we should suggest a nice lunch as we cant make the main do".
He responded with "god no, it was hard enough getting out of this one. I know I shouldnt, but I thought if I leave it to near the date to pull out, they couldnt come back with another alternative". I was Shock that he was so candid about it. So I asked why he didnt just say at the start before they changed the date...His response? "well I had to look like I was making the effort, I dont want to look unsociable"
I then had to go off for a meeting. Am a bit Angry

OP posts:
Hairytoes · 09/12/2013 19:41

Really??
Are you 8?
Sad you are missing out on the 'jelly and ice cream'.
He cant afford it, and doesnt want to broadcast it to the whole office.
You lose a night out with work colleagues (maybe a sneaky grope in a cupboard with your boss).
He loses his pride if he states the real reason to all and sundry why he cant go.
He obviously has got the wrong impression of you, as if confiding his financial circumstances it suggests He thinks you are an empathetic person.
Which obviously you are not.

BohemianGirl · 09/12/2013 19:46

I have to be honest with you. I work in a large office of 160 people.

The Christmas party pisses me off no end. I. Do. Not. Want. To. Go. I think that is simple enough? yes? no? I get relentless pressure to go. I. Do. Not. Want. To. Go. I hate the fact I get "bullied" (well I dont get bullied) but others on low incomes/no childcare/plain dont fancy it get pressured relentlessly. Party planners are just sodding satanic

Original poster
Filimou · 09/12/2013 19:53

No hairy I am not 8, there will be no groping. Or jelly or ice cream and please dont make judgments on my empathy. Yes it may be trivial to you and Im sorry I am clearly so pathetic to be a bit upset that the only people I know and get to socialise with are people I work with and that I cant do one nice night out over Christmas that Id actually been saving for (I aint exactly flush) because it had been made to accommodate someone else who didnt have the nouse to just say no. Really no-one wouldve asked about his finances he wouldnt have had to say anything.
But really there was no need for you to be so rude.

OP posts:
Original poster
Filimou · 09/12/2013 19:56

Bohemian 160??? Jeez thats a lot. There are 12 in our office and tbh its really informal, few drinks, nice meal and home. im too old for anything else Grin

OP posts:
Pancakeflipper · 09/12/2013 20:02

Did you not say to him "well that change date to suit you meant I could not go. And I wanted to. Please be upfront next year so I don't miss out." ?

You could organise it next year then you get to pick and you can ignore him if he plays games again?
Then again - I used to sort out the Christmas Do's and it was a thankless task.