I know IABU but I just need to moan - works Christmas do - sorry a bit long

[Filimou]

Well, I know IA probably BU, but, a little whole ago, before we started planning our Christmas ‘do’ at work I was having a conversation with a colleague, generally moaning about finances (he had asked how I manage to afford childcare FT and it turned into a general moan). Anyway, he said, during this conversation that he is so skint all the time, he dreads when we have a works lunch out or a social because he cannot afford it (he is apparently paying a shedload in child maintenance and has high commuting costs), and so he always has to try and make excuses or get out of it if its going to be expensive.
This years party will probably be slightly more costly than most. It was originally booked in for Christmas pay day. Colleague starting umming ahhing about how he couldn't make that day and “if only it were the week before, I am free then”. I know it sounds daft and I cant really explain it but I could just kind of tell that he was trying to get out of it.
I went off on leave and when I came back they had moved the date to accommodate colleague. To the week before. I cant do that week, so am gutted I am going to have to miss it, really, I dont get to go out much and I really look forward to getting together with everyone. He was still umming and ahhing and generally not talking about it or joining in everyone was making plans to meet etc, so I knew I just knew that he would leave it til close to the time and then something would come up.
Sure enough this week he has said he cant go as his car is now in for its service/mot that day and he needs to drop it off/pick it up.
I just feel really crap for him that he cant feel comfortable enough to be able to be honest with us and (selfishly) that it was moved without anyone even asking me if I was available, for someone who I know had no intention of going. I know I sound really petty and I’m likely to get flamed, but I just knew from our original conversation that he wouldn't be going.

Well im sorry to be judgemental, but if you have to save to go to a Christmas party, then maybe that shouldnt be a priority.
Its only a works do!
Im sure you could spend the money in more productive ways!

I don't think you are being petty, OP. A lot of us don't get to go out much and the odd night out can mean a lot. I actually cried when I thought I was going to have to miss a do because something had come up with DH's work, but it all got sorted.

I am also secretly miffed that I missed out on two other dos that were on the same night. Everything was on last week and nothing this week. ..if people had spaced them out a bit I could have gone out more!

the trouble with work do's is: you give people choice and they feck about all over the place making their mind up. however if you tell people that you are going out to X place on X date with X colleagues and others are welcome to join in - totes amazeballs - they all follow like sheep

Sorry hairy I just read my post back and it sounds a bit unhinged...lack of sleep probably...By saving I just mean putting the odd bit away for it. Usually its fine but this year (with the everpresent threat of redundancy) I am just trying to be super careful. Things are tight but we are ok.

Aw that sounds rubbish, I'd be annoyed too. Why can't you go? Is it anything that can be sorted?

Well You know YABU, so.....
Whoever is organising cannot accommodate everyone. There is usually always someone who pulls out or wants to join in at the last minute and it's a PITA.
Having been on both sides I'd say cut him some slack. I had a few years like this where every few months someone was getting married or there was a leaving do and I simply couldn't afford it. I also did not want anyone else to know about my financial status.
Someone I had considered a friend at the time got married on the other side of the country and fell out with me because I couldn't afford to go. Then sent an email about her hen night which began, I'm sure you won't be interested in this...WtF? So I went just for one drink to spite her .
Perhaps you can keep what you saved for this night out and organise another to suit you after the Jan payday to cheer everyone up?!

My sympathies are with the bloke. it's fucking horrible not to be able to go on a work thing because you can't afford it

you (not neccesarily OP, just in general) may THINK your social events don't involve bullying and a huge amount of pressure, but in my experience they do. you're judged for being anti-social/a party pooper/hen pecked or whatever

i can afford this sort of stuff no problem these days but i used to hate having to come up with excuses after excuses - people that organise these things are, too often, on another planet when it comes to finances of the people they're organising the event FOR.

so, although your colleague should have put a stop to the date re-organisation (perhaps in his shoes i'd have had a private word with the organiser directly, discreetly), i don't think your colleague is being unreasonable to fake an excuse if he doesn't want to go through the humiliation of admitting he can't afford it.

perhaps if we were all a bit more honest about when we're struggling financially to colleagues, friends and family the average household would be in less debt, but it won't happen any time soon.

and fwiw i think it's horrible that the OP is obviously someone he feels he can confide in but she just cares about the ice cream and jelly that she's missing.

care about the fact that your colleague is obviously under a lot of financial pressure, and is obviously so hesitant to be honest because he knows he'll not be left alone after speaking up. it's a bloody shame to put anyone at work in his position.

I'm that bloke. Well I was.

I thought the polite refusal with some bullshit 'other plans, but have a great time' was the socially acceptable way to not go to work socials without risking offence or looking like you hated everyone in your sight or admit something personal that prevents you going (recovering alcoholic, no cash, eating disorders etc.). In my world you accept it, don't pry and move on.

Not in the place I am now, constant whining and juggling (when half the people drop out on the day anyway - the same ones whining, not the jugglers). When I was blunt about cash flow I got lectures in budgeting which prompted more than a few 'err fuck off?'s, people are relentless and I can't blame the guy for not being honest with the kind of people who don't take no for an answer.

Sorry you missed out, but he's really not at fault here.