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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Manipulative In-Laws

33 replies

Bookworm13 · 05/12/2013 15:45

I can barely contain my anger and thought by ranting on Mumsnet, it might help - apologies in advance!

I have just discovered that my in-laws have messaged my two children, complaining that they aren't seeing them this Xmas!

I haven't spent Xmas or New Year with my family at all for the past few years, so this year, I have got relatives coming for Xmas and we have made plans for New Year.

My in-laws were made aware of this months ago and they really can't complain. We see them every couple of months or so (far more regularly than I see my family) even though my in-laws live a long way away and we have spent Xmas or New Year with them for years now.

Last year, we travelled to them to spend Xmas.

However, even though they are going to relatives this year, won't be on their own and will be part of a houseful, they are still obviously not happy!

We only just saw them a couple of months ago, when they came to stay with us for several nights (!) and when they did come, my younger son told me my MIL took him to one side and said tearfully "We never get to see you!"

It is absolute rubbish!

They seem to think my side of the family should take a back seat and the fact they are using my children to indirectly complain about things, I think is disgusting!

What should I do? If I say anything to my DH, I know he'll try and gloss over it. My friends say I more than do my bit and they have got nothing to complain about - in fact, a couple of them said they wouldn't be as accommodating as me!

OP posts:
CailinDana · 05/12/2013 15:50

How do your dc feel about it?

CoffeeTea103 · 05/12/2013 15:51

I personally think you should not do anything. If anything they want a reaction out of you, trying to guilt you hoping you give in.I'm sure the kids know they haven't seen he other side of the family and why you would want to spend it with them. Just ignore her tbh.

Original poster
Bookworm13 · 05/12/2013 15:53

CailinDana,

The DC rolled their eyes about the messages and said "Whenever G&G come up, they don't speak to us much anyway!"

This is true - they never engage with them and refuse to childmind.

OP posts:
pictish · 05/12/2013 15:53

I would ignore it too. What would be gained from kicking up a fuss? More hassle!

Rise above it...best thing you can do.

ViviPru · 05/12/2013 15:53

We see them every couple of months or so (far more regularly than I see my family) even though my in-laws live a long way away and we have spent Xmas or New Year with them for years now.

They just don't see things the same way as you do they, they have got used to you making the journey at Christmas and can't seem to see outside of their own wants and desires. Sounds as though they're not aware of the discrepancy in time spent with your parents either. They probably assume you see your side often.

They probably have less going on in their lives so time between seeing their GDCs feels like ages to them.

I think it would help to try and view it rationally and try to shift the focus from feeling disgusted and angered to calm rational explanation to your DH that while you understand they're sad not to be seeing your DCs, it's not fair on the children to communicate with them in this way, and both of you together let them know this.

thebody · 05/12/2013 15:54

unless your children are upset then don't do anything.

if they are upset then tell your dh to sort it out.

do you think they were just telling the kids they missed them innocently??? just devils advocate for a second?

hope you have a great Christmas.

AngelaDaviesHair · 05/12/2013 15:54

Depends what they said. Unless there was anything particularly damaging or manipulative, I would shrug it off and completely ignore them. On its own, a grandparent expressing regret they don't see grandchildren more often or won't see them at Christmas is pretty run of the mill. I appreciate there may be a back story, and I can understand why you find it irritating. Equally, if they tend to martyrish statements I wouldn't give them the ammunition (by challenging them) for more.

Presumably if they are keen to see your family they will be in touch to arrange more meet-ups.

ViviPru · 05/12/2013 15:55

Ok X-post just seen your recent post. Seems as though it's not upsetting your DCs.

In that case smile and nod. Smile and nod. Ignore them, they're just being petulant.

pianodoodle · 05/12/2013 15:56

Oh I have a similar set of In-Laws where MIL will turn on the tears. They live 20 mins away. My mum has to get a flight to stay here and I see her maybe a few times a year as they are expensive.

Last time she was here for a week mum and I took DD out for the day. Planned well in advance and In-Laws knew my mum was over visiting.

Didn't stop MIL calling over to see DH when we were out and then crying because she they didn't get to see DD and it "felt like I was staying out on purpose" with the sole intent of depriving them...

Bonkers. Such drama. DH is a lot more aware of it than he used to be though so it's manageable.

I just ignore. I asked her about her comments next time I saw her though, and explained how little I saw of my mum and didn't especially appreciate being complained about behind my back.

Of course she started looking weepy again. The only thing she relies on is someone feeling sorry for her so she just went with the line "but I was crying"?!?!

My response? "what's that got to do with anything?"

It's amazing how fast someone can switch off the tears and give you a look of death when they realise you're not going to be moved. If she was genuinely upset that wouldn't happen.

So yes, if you can't ignore, be blunt. Not rude though, but firm is perfectly acceptable.

CailinDana · 05/12/2013 15:59

It's good that they shrug it off. Agree with them and say "G and G are just being silly. We see them plenty and have spent lots of christmases with them. No need to worry about it."

In what way does your dh gloss over it? In an "oh god what are they like" sort of way or a "your feelings don't matter" way?

Original poster
Bookworm13 · 05/12/2013 16:03

DH hates any sort of hassle and my MIL pretends she's not well or turns the waterworks on, if she thinks things are not going how she wants.

She is always coming out with "We never see you" every chance she gets, which just isn't true - last time she came up, she snapped my face off and made nasty remarks all the time, as she is fed up with my FIL, but she was all smiles to my DH!

OP posts:
RunnerHasbeen · 05/12/2013 16:04

What do the texts actually say? It would say it is normal for them to say they will miss seeing them and hope they have a nice time, less so the more moany it is worded.

Christmas is something that needs to be fair between families but as for the rest of the time, how often you see your family is irrelevant as seeing one family doesn't mean you can't see the other another time. Unless they complain about you seeing your family, that is.

I don't understand the "(!)" about them staying for a few nights, are you suggesting this is a long amount of time or extremely accommodating of you? Perhaps they are picking up on how little you want to see them, you resent going to them and having them stay - perhaps you should think about how you would like to see them?

To me, and luckily to my DH (a mismatch in how you feel about this seems to lead to lots of conflict) it is normal to see family members often and is a nice thing, not an imposition. I can't see any way you are being particularly accommodating, seeing them rarely and storing up any little thing they do you don't approve of. So, they want to see your DCs more and have a relationship with them? Is that so bad, there are plenty of threads where people complain of the opposite. There must be more to this, because from this thread alone you are making a drama out of nothing.

RunnerHasbeen · 05/12/2013 16:05

ok cross posts, hadn't seen back story, must learn to type faster.

tudorqueen · 05/12/2013 20:09

In laws are a nightmare. When I first married my DH, about 10 years ago now (after we'd had an affair and he left his wife for me) his parents invited him and his DC to spend Christmas in Scotland with them - knowing that I would be on my own as mine were with their father. When he refused, because he knew that I would not be invited as they were very hostile to me and our relationship, they rang my DSCs and said that I had banned them and their father from seeing them. It was all rather awkward for a while as, obviously, my relationship with them was difficult at the time (ok, understandably so).

The following year, when the dust had settled a bit, we invited them down to spend Christmas with us - my DDs were with us and his DCs were visiting Boxing Day. However, my PILs decided that they would rather spend it with my DH ex! They came over with the children on Boxing Day but were foul and really upset my girls.

After that we refuse to spend Christmas with anyone other than our DC!

mameulah · 05/12/2013 20:15

You absolutely HAVE to ignore it. They want a reaction. Don't, do not, absolutely definitely don't give it to them. It will drive them nuts.

Chippednailvarnish · 05/12/2013 20:16

Tudorqueen maybe you reaped what you sowed.

pianodoodle · 05/12/2013 20:19

tudorqueen

I can kind of sympathise with your PIL under those circumstances - not saying they behaved well but I often wonder how awkward it must be for grandparents when families split like that as they probably want to show some loyalty to the grandchildren's mother at the same time.

tudorqueen · 05/12/2013 20:30

Maybe I did. But even my DH admits they are VERY difficult people and no-one ever tried to stop them from seeing their GC - who, incidentally never liked their previous DIL anyway!! My exH's parents see mine frequently. Wasn't looking for understanding - just sharing a story about difficult PIL.

womblesofwestminster · 05/12/2013 20:39

Question: why do blokes seldom stand up to their mothers?

Scrounger · 05/12/2013 20:40

It may be difficult for grandparents when families split, however they are adults and should try to deal with it in an adult way. They may not get it right all of the time but they should at least try to do so and not make a situation worse deliberately. They should try to do so for the sake of all their grandchildren including their step-grandchildren.

TidyDancer · 05/12/2013 20:42

OP, your ILs sound like they are throwing their toys out of the pram here. My guess is that it will calm down if you don't acknowledge it and they realise they're getting nowhere.

tudorqueen - your ILs are not the bad guys in that situation. It was lovely of them to spend Christmas with their former DIL.

tudorqueen · 05/12/2013 21:12

TidyDancer - If we were talking about anyone other than my IL then I'd probably agree with you. They hated her - even she admitted that because, odd as it may seem - she and I have always got on ok...even when my DH left her for me. Their marriage really was over.

Dare I say that I think the reason I'm flamed is because I admitted to being the OW?

pianodoodle · 05/12/2013 21:48

Dare I say that I think the reason I'm flamed is because I admitted to being the OW?

Actually I was trying not to flame you for being the OW while still making the point that it could have been a tricky situation for your PIL and maybe more understandable if they didn't behave in exactly the right way as maybe they weren't sure what the right thing to do was.

They could well be difficult people in general as you say, but the example about when you first got married, I think any non-difficult person could still find that tricky to know how to handle.

tudorqueen · 05/12/2013 22:00

Pianodoodle - I'm sorry I jumped to an incorrect conclusion.

TidyDancer · 05/12/2013 22:02

You are not being flamed at all, tudorqueen. I was commenting on your ILs, not you.