Manipulative In-Laws

[Bookworm13]

I can barely contain my anger and thought by ranting on Mumsnet, it might help - apologies in advance!

I have just discovered that my in-laws have messaged my two children, complaining that they aren't seeing them this Xmas!

I haven't spent Xmas or New Year with my family at all for the past few years, so this year, I have got relatives coming for Xmas and we have made plans for New Year.

My in-laws were made aware of this months ago and they really can't complain. We see them every couple of months or so (far more regularly than I see my family) even though my in-laws live a long way away and we have spent Xmas or New Year with them for years now.

Last year, we travelled to them to spend Xmas.

However, even though they are going to relatives this year, won't be on their own and will be part of a houseful, they are still obviously not happy!

We only just saw them a couple of months ago, when they came to stay with us for several nights (!) and when they did come, my younger son told me my MIL took him to one side and said tearfully "We never get to see you!"

It is absolute rubbish!

They seem to think my side of the family should take a back seat and the fact they are using my children to indirectly complain about things, I think is disgusting!

What should I do? If I say anything to my DH, I know he'll try and gloss over it. My friends say I more than do my bit and they have got nothing to complain about - in fact, a couple of them said they wouldn't be as accommodating as me!

Pianodoodle - I'm sorry I jumped to an incorrect conclusion.

Going on some of the scary flaming threads I've read in relationships I can understand why you did though

OP, it's good that your DC have the measure of their GP's, and clearly aren't upset by the calls and drama MIL had hoped to create. I agree, ignore, roll your eyes too and say that she's got a short memory, she only saw you a few weeks ago, isn't she being daft. I can see that in the future the DC will make arrangements to meet friends, go out, to minimise the amount of time spent with the GP's when they come to stay; why would they want to hang around if they have no meaningful relationship with GP's who don't put any effort in or take an interest?

If DH's parents are hard work staying for a few days, suggest they only come for 2-3 which would be less time for aggravation. MIL knows DH won't respond to her which is why she has a go at you, the most fun you can have is refusing to respond in the way she wants you to, and therefore she can't control.

Bookworm, you're definitely not BU and you have my sympathy. My MIL has recently - as in the past year or so - starting adopting a similar tactic of making slightly manipulative comments to our boys when she doesn't get her own way about something. She doesn't start crying, thank God, but makes a lot of "what a shame" type comments, always AFTER she's discussed whatever the issue is with DH & me, we've spent ages diplomatically explaining why we can't do what she wants & she's apparently accepted our decision(s) with good grace.

It doesn't upset our two, either, & they come back & tell DH & me. But it annoys the shit out of me. DH & I have had words with her about this but it hasn't been a great success, tbh. She said that she didn't remember saying anything to the boys & then went on about the importance of her grandchildren & her diminishing years, etc. etc.

My PIL are in good health, very active & busy, & have very nice lives. We also make a lot more effort to visit them (they're quite a way away) than vice versa, so emotional blackmail doesn't really work on me. And they're certainly not pushed out in favour of my family, as my mum is dead & my dad is happily partnered & makes no demands on us whatsoever. As DH said recently, he didn't see why his mum couldn't just be happy when we are all together, instead of constantly pushing for more.

No advice, sorry - I need some myself! Ignoring seems to be recommended by most & perhaps that's what we need to do too. But my MIL is getting worse & that worries me. I don't think a grandparent should be making their grandchildren feel awkward & uncomfortable like this.

Ooooh I love a good PIL bashing! Ignore them don't rise to it because they want a reaction from you by going through your children! Instead take lots of photos during your Christmas of your kids with your family and get some of them framed and put centre stage in your home. Ha that will teach them! Sorry I am so mean but if they want to play games show them who is going to win!!

caitlin, a colleague at DH's work sent a photo to his boss of us all having a drink together on holiday, (while the boss was still at work) saying what a lovely time he was having and Cheers!

I think that ignoring is best where there is no malice and you don't want to cause a big rift; however if the person in question is being out and out rude, upsetting DC, playing off spouses one against the other and the like, something should be said especially if they are guests in your home when the unpleasantness occurs. Bookworm's MIL was snappy with her and all smiles to DH, I can see that she let it go for the sake of her DH, but if it keeps happening Things Might Have To Be Said.

Loon, perhaps don't bother any more with the diplomacy, simply say politely 'no we can't do that, it's not convenient/we're already busy then/working/ won't be here etc. Don't be drawn into a discussion, just repeat 'We've said we can't, there's nothing more to discuss.' Does your MIL know that your DC tell you what she says? Because I would let her know this and also that it has no effect. Sad, but she is the only one affecting the relationship with her DGC by her behaviour.

loon

Snap lol! "What a shame" is my MIL's catchphrase

Thanks, girlywhirly, that sounds like good advice.

Ha ha, Piano - annoying, isn't it?

Loon - agree, it is unreasonable of grandparents to do this and you got to ask, if they really cared about their DGC, would they put them in such an awkward position. Maybe they do want an argument.