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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being a prude?

34 replies

PerdiePrude · 05/12/2013 10:04

Before I go and challenge this in real life I would like MN to give me a modern day reality check.

I am saying the following not to be goady but to give the full picture so not accused of drip feeding later on.

My children go to a very middle class independent primary school. Great set of kids and fantastic teachers. The parents are a very friendly bunch who are all inclusive and chatty, a number of them do not have English as their first language and will chat to each other in their native tongue but if any English parents are around on their own will switch to English to include them in the conversation.

My dh and I do not swear - the strongest it gets in our house is bloody. Now I'm not naive to think that my kids do not know swearwords, and that they won't hear them.

However, the thing that is getting me wound up is a number of the parents are saying "fuck" on the sideline at matches a lot. This is said both in loud general conversations with each other, including when speaking in native tongue so the only English word in their sentence is a swear word, and also when chatting to others in English. A number of both first language English speakers and not will also say it when referring to the children although not directly at the children e.g. "fucking hell what are they playing at". None of them talk quitely, they are all loud speakers.

AIBP (prude) to think that language like that should not be said on the sidelines particularly when the children are under 10? I have always been very conservative with my language so feel free to tell me I just need to get into the 21st Century.

OP posts:
Twoandtwomakeschaos · 05/12/2013 10:08

I don't think YABU at all. I am aware that, for some people, it is merely another adjective but even they tend to mind their language in front of young children. Not sure how would address it, though.

meditrina · 05/12/2013 10:11

If it is within earshot of the children, then YANBU.

But if it's adults, well away from children who are concentrating on the match anyhow, then YANBU to dislike it, but YWBU to try to moderate what words adults use.

Original poster
PerdiePrude · 05/12/2013 10:13

Did to mean to add in OP but forgot was that there are the subs (half the year group) stood with us whilst this is being said.

OP posts:
BlackholesAndRevelations · 05/12/2013 10:18

People get a little too involved in children's football matches... They're under 10, why would anyone dream of saying "FFS what are they playing at?"!

Yanbu and those parents need to calm down!

BlingBang · 05/12/2013 10:20

So why is it allowed, this goes against all the 'Respect' rules about behaviour so mention it to the coach. My children play for a local team and we never have this kind of behaviour from the parents.

NoComet · 05/12/2013 10:22

YANBU
DDs went to a very ordinary village primary and no adult would swear in the hearing of the children.

The DDs would be in trouble if they swore in school.

BlingBang · 05/12/2013 10:22

"Did to mean to add in OP but forgot was that there are the subs (half the year group) stood with us whilst this is being said."

Isn't that unusual - our matches are very strict about the parents being on the opposite side of the pitch to the players and coaches. Your school sounds very relaxed and not very organised regarding matches.

lottiegarbanzo · 05/12/2013 10:24

At primary school, I think fuck is a very strong word that children shouldn't be using or hearing it at all. I'd expect them to be pulled up on it at secondary school too. It is just not part of polite discourse.

It's a word that teenagers start using with great gusto and young adults use liberally, precisely because it is not polite so is part of them experimenting with and asserting their newly discovered 'non-child' status. For this reason it always makes the speaker sound very young to me, as for most people the novelty of swearing (and being able to stay up as late as you like and eat ice-cream for breakfast if you really want to) wears off by about 20.

Of course it stays in most people's vocabulary but use becomes appropriate, around other adults, in a controlled way, not for effect, with 'pride', or as every other word, any longer.

Is it possible that some of the parents who've learnt English as a second language haven't quite grasped the social nuances of the word and see it equivalent to damn or sodding (which gets stronger if you think about the meaning but has become a low-grade epithet).

How are you going to tackle it? I'd speak to a teacher / the head and ask them to issue a note to all parents. I wouldn't trying to discuss it with each parent individually, they'd see it your problem not theirs.

Feminine · 05/12/2013 10:26

YANBU at all.

I have relatives that have English as a second language. The Father in the family, says "Fucccccccccking Hell" a lot Grin

When their daughter was small she used it at pre-school, apparently when she was cross!

I honestly don't think some non-native English speakers realize how some words just don't go!

bolderdash · 05/12/2013 10:29

I don't think you're being a prude. Our head sends a letter out occasionally to ask parents not to swear in the playground. Maybe yours could?

AutumnLeafMyArse · 05/12/2013 10:43

I was dropping my kids off this morning at primary school and walked by two mothers discussing a homework. One said to the other in a loud voice " well I just don't have time to fuckin' do it do I". I was Shock

BigFatGoalie · 05/12/2013 10:58

YANBU. I absolutely hate hearing swearing in public, especially when there are children around. I'd drop an email to the Head voicing your concerns.

LurcioLovesFrankie · 05/12/2013 11:00

In fairness, it's one of the hardest things about becoming fluent in a foreign language - learning what words carry what degree of force. A friend I had as a student learned most of his slang/swear words in the rowing club. He swore like a trooper. He was also devoutly religious and is now a monk! I'm sure he wouldn't have used the equivalent words in French.

It's a variable cultural thing even in one language - for example (going off the vocab in kid's films) "shit" seems to be less offensive in the US than it is here - characters will often say "shit" in a US film rated PG, where that word would be considered unacceptable in a primary school setting here.

SooticaTheWitchesCat · 05/12/2013 11:06

YANBU

My husband's first language isn't English but he certainly knows what the word 'fuck' is and would never use it in front of children (he never uses it anyway)

SirChenjin · 05/12/2013 11:10

YANBU

I have no problem with swearing when it's used appropriately and sparingly - eg for humour, or with groups of friends who you know don't mind. What I hate is when it's used constantly and thoughtlessly in public -eg "I was like, you fucker, and he was like, who you calling a fucker, fucking hell, can't stand that fucker, right let's get that fucking drink" - around people who might find it offensive, or young children who really don't need to hear it.

I remember being at the zoo once and looking at some animal or other with DS2 who was about 3. The man next to us was having some inane conversation with his friend next to us - every second word was "fuck". I glared at him and was just about to say something when he mum saw me glowering and told him to watch his language round the little ones. He was like this Confused - hadn't even occurred to him that saying "fuck" repeatedly in public was inapprorpriate Angry

harticus · 05/12/2013 11:11

Teachers shouldn't swear in earshot of kids.
YANBU or a prude.

SashaOfSiberia · 05/12/2013 11:13

I'm going to go against the grain and say YABU. I couldn't care less about the issue you've raised and a letter from the head would make little impact on me.

It's just fuck. I think if they were using racist language I could see your point but I don't see what you've said as a problem.

BlingBang · 05/12/2013 11:32

Sasha it is a problem if you are going to shout or say it when watching children's sports, ilness you want to be banned form the sidelines. It is not allowed.

SirChenjin · 05/12/2013 11:34

Why would anyone think that swearing loudly at a children's event is appropriate? Would you swear at a kids party, for example?

SashaOfSiberia · 05/12/2013 11:39

Not true. I've been taking my DSs to football and boxing for around 18 years nearly every Sunday and I am most probably swearing. I'm not the only one.

Yes I would swear at a children's party. Swearing is part of my general conversation. I swear like a trooper and it's just how I and DH talk.

SirChenjin · 05/12/2013 11:42

Then you are ignorant, inconsiderate and a bit of a knob

MaidOfStars · 05/12/2013 11:45

Sasha That's just how you talk? I bet it isn't. I bet you don't swear when you have to give a work presentation, or in church, or when addressing the Queen. If you can rein it in then, you can rein it is whenever.

Bowlersarm · 05/12/2013 11:50

They aren't swearing at the children or near the children.

Therefore, personally, I can't see the problem. I would say YABU.

If it is relevant to the thread, I am a very very infrequent swearer.

SashaOfSiberia · 05/12/2013 11:51

Oh I'm a massive knob, but am very happy and still not banned from football.

In fact if I remember correctly, DS4s team coach told me something was fucking diabolical last week. Definitely not a ban on swearing on the sidelines. Admittedly I can see that screaming swear words at kids playing might be deemed as aggressive but having a conversation with another adult on the sidelines and swearing seems a total non issue.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 05/12/2013 11:51

YANBU - If it's in earshot of the children it's appalling. But I wouldn't want to overhear that level of swearing at a children event anyway even if no children actually heard.