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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell 12 year old DD to sit upstairs on the bus.

30 replies

pickledsiblings · 04/12/2013 22:20

DD gets a parent organised bus to school. The kids on the bus tend to sit in year groups (which I think is the norm) and all the other year 8s are boys. Recently, one boy in particular has been annoying her, things like pulling her earphones out and banging a rugby ball on the back of her seat.

My advice was to sit upstairs away from them so that's what she did. A few of the year 10 boys who where there told her that she couldn't sit upstairs and that she'd better not be up there tomorrow.

Now she's in a quandary and doesn't know what to do tomorrow. She feels that she may have done the wrong thing by going upstairs as she has essentially just made herself unpopular with another group of boys.

Did I give her the wrong advice?

OP posts:
UniS · 04/12/2013 22:24

Is there a group of girls a year up or a year down from her? How about if she asks them if she can sit with them , " because the boys in my year are annoying".

Are all teh kids at here bus stop in her year? Can she sit with one of them ( assuming there are other kids get on at her stop ), I live near a stop that about 15 kids use and they seem to hang out in friendship groups rather than year groups.

CeliaFate · 04/12/2013 22:25

I would always suggest sitting at the front near the driver. That way she can call on him to tell the boy to cut it out if necessary.
Being upstairs and out of sight she could be picked on more by the neanderthals that generally sit up there.

Valdeeves · 04/12/2013 22:33

Yes, it's not safe to sit on the top of the bus I'm afraid, many pupils of mine were mugged on the top deck. Best to sit near the driver as suggested.

Original poster
pickledsiblings · 04/12/2013 22:41

Unis, there seem to be very few girls on the bus. She doesn't want to impose on anyone by asking if she can sit with them plus she's convinced they'd say no anyway. She's the first to get on the bus so there's no hanging about at the bus stop and the girls that get on there (2 or 3 in older year groups) tend to sit on their own and are joined by other girls in their year at various stops.

Celia, apparently the driver doesn't get involved. She quite likes the idea of sitting upstairs too. She sat up there at the beginning of term but decided to move downstairs to be a bit more sociable with the rest of her year group (4 boys).

OP posts:
Original poster
pickledsiblings · 04/12/2013 22:46

Oh no, I've told her to stand her ground and sit up there again tomorrow. She's convinced that one of the Y10 boys is going to take her bag and throw it downstairs.

I contacted the chap that organises the bus to ask his advice and he's going to email the parents of the main offender. He's also going to get on the bus himself and remind them all what's expected behaviour wise. He has a DD in year 10 who he was also going to enlist to help. He said that DD should sit upstairs if that's what she wants to do.

I hope this won't make matters worse.

OP posts:
sandfrog · 04/12/2013 22:53

Could you inform the school, and request they could make it clear to everyone this isn't acceptable?

Original poster
pickledsiblings · 04/12/2013 23:06

sandfrog, I've suggested that she speaks to her form teacher and names names. She's prepared to do this but feels that she is in a no win situation as everyone will hate her for doing so.

She shocked at how mean and immature these two sets of boys are.

I would hate to be that age again. She was asking me what she should do if they threw her bag downstairs. Should she go and get it and risk losing her seat or just leave it and feel vulnerable without it (wondering if the boys downstairs were going through her things)?

OP posts:
yummumto3girls · 04/12/2013 23:13

I know on my daughters dedicated school bus there is an unwritten rule about where each year group is allowed to sit, so year 7 at front and gradually working its way back. Apparently it's the unwritten rule and as much as I hate it all the kids just accept that it's the 'rules'! Personally if that's what it's like on your DD's bus I wouldn't rock the boat and would tell her to sit downstairs. Our bus company takes any bullying on the bus very seriously and has revoked bus passes. I would speak to them and inform them that it is the drivers responsibility to ensure the safety and welfare of your DD whilst on his bus!.

footballsgalore · 04/12/2013 23:14

The school bus is a hideous place. The best thing seems to be to 'keep you head down and hope no one singles you out'.
I would be tempted to let the yr 10 girl take her under her wing. At least your DD will then have an ally who is older and can give her a bit of support.

Mumsyblouse · 04/12/2013 23:24

I would let her choose her own place on the bus, given she knows the groups/how things will be perceived. It's very tempting as a parent to step in but it is her that has to go through with it. I would suggest sitting near the driver but it's still up to her. School buses sound horrible.

Original poster
pickledsiblings · 04/12/2013 23:26

yummum, yes, DD is very aware of all the unwritten rules. If she sits downstairs tomorrow it will look like she has given in/backed down and she doesn't want that label either.

football, she is very much a head down kind of girl. DH was explaining the idea of having an ally to her but she's very fussy about who she makes friends with. Hopefully this Y10 girl will be nice and DD will deem her worthy .

OP posts:
Original poster
pickledsiblings · 04/12/2013 23:31

Mumsy, I think that I will say that to her in the morning. We've spoken about it at length this evening (plenty of tears) and worked through numerous possible scenarios but you're right, she is the one that has to go through with whatever she decides. I think she'll probably want to sit upstairs.

The year 7s sit near the driver which is what she did last year.

OP posts:
harriet247 · 04/12/2013 23:50

Ahhh he fancies her! Little bugger. Can you get her dad to take her to the bus stop and give him the dad eyes?

Original poster
pickledsiblings · 05/12/2013 00:10

harriet, he gets on quite a bit away from us. DD says that he's a trouble-maker in school too. One of the 6th formers on the bus intervened once and said 'why don't you stop annoying her and just ask her out, it's obvious you like her".

She thinks he hates her. She's having a bit if a crisis of confidence at the moment and thinks that if she was less sensible/mature people would like her more and she'd be more popular. She doesn't want to do the flirty things that she sees other more popular girls doing though.

OP posts:
MammaTJ · 05/12/2013 00:39

If bossy organised dads DD is going to take her under her wing, then I think all will be ok for her to go upstairs.

Do tell her to stay how she is, she will be the most successful in life!

Original poster
pickledsiblings · 05/12/2013 00:43

Thanks Mamma. Lol at bossy dad, I was a bit taken aback at how efficient he was. He's obviously had to do this kind of thing before. Fair play to him though, he's just a volunteer who oversees the bus admin.

OP posts:
MammaTJ · 05/12/2013 00:58

He loves it and the glory and adoration that come with it!! Grin

Hopefully his DD will be his mini-me and will sort your DD out. (I am willing to bet real monopoly money on this).

MidniteScribbler · 05/12/2013 02:25

Tell her to sit on her bag. Can't throw it down the stairs without moving her off it first.

Defnotsupergirl · 05/12/2013 03:06

Same as Harriet247, unless it actually showed signs of definite bullying behaviour which is a whole different thing I'd sit her down and explain this is how young lads show if they like a girl, mad as it sounds, she may be more happy and relaxed about it then. :-)

Morloth · 05/12/2013 04:09
NoArmaniNoPunani · 05/12/2013 04:35

I think it's pretty damaging to tell girls that boys who are horrible to them are doing it because they like them - how to set them up for a life time of going out with people who are horrible to them

kreecherlivesupstairs · 05/12/2013 05:39

Who Nelly. I think you are overthinking it a teeny bit NoArmani.
IMO, he fancies her and it's a way of getting attention.

Lorelei353 · 05/12/2013 05:43

I agree with NoArmani

I don't think we should be telling young girls that boys who are bullying them do it because the like them. It just gives a message that they should put up with being poorly treated as it's a sign of affection. They'll take that into their relationships.

desertgirl · 05/12/2013 06:49

Surely you would be saying something more like 'it is sometimes a way for boys who haven't grown up yet to get attention from someone they like, obviously not OK but hopefully they will grow out of it, in the meantime do X' rather than telling her it is an OK way to act in a relationship?

Millenniumbug1 · 05/12/2013 08:46

I would phone & speak to the head of her year group, this behaviour is unacceptable. It is an awful way for your DD to have to start & end every day, over time it will erode her confidence.
I do hope you manage to sort something out.

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