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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Teacher not caring that much?

58 replies

TeamSouthfields · 04/12/2013 15:04

Hello.

LO, 6, has been having chest pains recently, has been to the doctor and told not to do pe, games or rough play, he has been referred for a paed cardiology appointment, but doctor has said this is precaution not an a&e job at the moment, the school have been told this, in an email and verbally to the class teacher and to the skool office..

so this morning, I tell the teacher he has been having a little pain this morning.. Her response was to turn her head, look at lo, and say 'you have to take responsibility for yourself, if you have chest pain you must sit down, I have a whole class of children, I can't watch you all day'

Now, I know it wasn't life threating, the Dr has said he is ok for skool, and he wasn't crying or anything, just mentioned that he had Abit of pain..
But aibu to think it is the teachers responsibility to look after all the children. It isn't just a sore throat or a grazed knee... I expect the skool to look after him while he is there..
This is a on going thing, he isn't upset, so can't miss skool every day, I am taking him back to the doctors after skool today.
I am mad at teacher, aibu?

OP posts:
BalloonSlayer · 04/12/2013 17:53

Well yes of course children have to take responsibility for themselves, but at 6 it is perfectly reasonable to understand that this might be a bit difficult.

TBH if I had a DC who was having chest pains and "been to the doctor and told not to do pe, games or rough play, he has been referred for a paed cardiology appointment" I would be having trouble scraping myself off the bloody ceiling.

And yes, I WOULD hope that people might worry, y'know, just a little bit about my DC if he complained about having chest pains when there is obviously a concern that he might have something wrong with his heart.

What I'd probably do it ring the Doctor, tell him/her that he is getting pains at school and when he tells the teacher isn't getting a lot of response. The GP may well agree to write a letter detailing exactly what they should do.

BTW, do they know that there are going to be cardiac investigations. What I mean is, might the teacher think the chest pains are due to asthma, or something else, might she not have realised what the underlying cause is feared be?

Xenadog · 04/12/2013 18:26

I actually think using the phrase "take responsibility for yourself" is a bit harsh for a 6 year old child. I'm a teacher and use that on pupils secondary age but don't think it's appropriate for such a young 'un.

Having said that I do think the teacher's approach to the situation was correct. If your DC has pains he either should or shouldn't be in school - if he is in then he needs to be able to manage them in some way. The teacher has a whole class of students to look after including your son and clearly if he is in then one can honestly assume it's not too serious.

Maybe a little card with levels of pain would be useful for your dc to have? Levels could go from 1- 5 and when he feels really poorly (4 or 5) he could get a friend to show the teacher so that they may deal with him as is appropriate. With levels 1 - 3 he merely has to sit out and rest.

BTW I know it may seem petty but spelling school as "SKOOL" really isn't great and does not endear people to your post/situation.

WaitingForPeterWimsey · 04/12/2013 18:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CiderBomb · 04/12/2013 19:30

Actually I also find it kind silly that a grown adult would spell school as ""skool". I'm not usually finicky about spelling and grammar, but that's something a child would do. Sorry.

SuperScrimper · 04/12/2013 19:34

'Skool' is ridiculous. Creative spelling does not make you look 'interesting' it makes you look like you are lacking in basic literacy.

NewtRipley · 04/12/2013 19:36

Ballon

You are right. The school won't know what to do without proper medical opinion

NewtRipley · 04/12/2013 19:38

... especially since you spelled it school elsewhere Confused

WaitingForPeterWimsey · 04/12/2013 19:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Neverhere · 04/12/2013 19:52

I think the teacher was just explaining what she expected him to do to deal with his pain. She has 30 children to teach (not just take care of - although I'm sure she does that aswel). Her job is to make sure every child in her class makes progress in their learning. It sounds as if you have had to have morning chats often (which may have been unavoidable) but often this is a very tricky time for teachers (trying to get everyone in and settled to start their learning as quickly as possible). Maybe you could write a note in the morning if any new info needed for that day? Personally, I find parents telling children - if your feeling unwell tell Mrs x and she will send you home - very unhelpful. The children then repeatedly tell the adult even when the illness isn't that bad in the hope they will be sent home (most children do this - even ones who enjoy school - when your not feeling 100% an afternoon snuggled with mum instead of maths is appealing!) obviously you are worried but if the dr thought school was too much for your son they would have said to keep off. You can't expect the teacher to spend more than 1/30 of her time on your son individually! She's a teacher - not his personal carer.

NewtRipley · 04/12/2013 19:58

Neverhere

I agree.

LouiseAderyn · 04/12/2013 20:56

I think that 6 is too young to take responsibility for himself and I would expect the teacher to show some care and concern for a small child having some discomfort. The op probably wants to keep his routine as normal as possible so sent him to school, but he still needs additional attention. A bit of sympathy fron the teacher wouldn't go amiss. She sounds cold and I'm gkad she doesn't teach my child.

I think this thread would have gone differently if the op had not written skool. Which is a shame.

Fairenuff · 04/12/2013 21:10

By 'take responsibility', the teacher means 'let her know if he has pains' and 'sit down and rest if he has pains'. These are perfectly reasonable expectations for a 6 year old.

Otherwise, what is the teacher to do, ask him every half hour if he has pains? That's not good enough, he needs to stop and rest immediately and he is the only one who will know if he is pain.

NearTheWindmill · 04/12/2013 21:17

When is your lo's appointment with the cardiologist OP? IME when dc are ill and the doctor is worried the appointment comes through pretty quickly. You did also say that the doctor said the investigation was as a "precaution". I suffer from something called gastritis which is worse when I'm worried - looking back I had a lot of indigestion as a child and also tummy aches. My mother used to give me something called milk of magnesia.

When you say chest pains; how severe are they? Is your son breathless? Has the doctor done a lung capacity test? Are his lips ever tinged a bit with blue?

Mimishimi · 06/12/2013 02:35

If yor so wuried abaut him, y dont u keep him hoam?

SparkleSoiree · 06/12/2013 03:05

I think that whilst the message of taking responsibility for himself was made very clear - albeit slightly unrealistic for a 6yr old I feel (not all children communicate easily) - there was a distinct lack of caring/empathy and perhaps if the teacher had shown a bit more of that in her reaction to your query then you may not be as concerned now.

School is for learning but care and compassion is also required and there is no reason why that shouldn't be displayed in all communication with parents who express concern about their children. I am sure we would all like to know that our children are being cared for whilst at school in a manner more than the basic policy/rules calls for.

Loonytoonie · 06/12/2013 06:04

OP is having a hard time because of spelling.

Disclaimer: please, it's school. Please. Anything else just grates on the nerves.

Back to your OP - I think I'd feel like you to be honest - did you explain that your LO has been referred?

At 6 years of age, I would hope for a little more kindness and better communication. I hear what the teacher was saying, yes there may be another 27 or so children in the class, but the way it was dealt wasn't, IMHO, wasn't reassuring.

She could have delivered the same message in a much better way. Everyone here should consider that it could be their LO in the same position.

I'm a Teacher btw, and yes, the way you speak to children is important. I get the best out of my kids (and parents) by being vareful about what I say and the way I say it.

Loonytoonie · 06/12/2013 06:06

careful

AndYouCanDance · 06/12/2013 06:11

Genuine Shock at the replies you have had.

OP YANBU. The teacher sounded abrupt and uncaring. I would have expected her to express some concern. After all, it's not as though you said he had the sniffles ffs.

And you can spell school however you like.

Doingakatereddy · 06/12/2013 06:38

OP - I have a heart condition that means only I know when I'm unwell (doesn't normally require A&E) and have been told clearly that I need to take responsibility for resting.

Irrespective of age, people with certain conditions that cannot be fixed, have to have it drummed into them that been brave, not wanting fuss etc is a bad idea & they must rest.

Perhaps the message should have been delivered with more empathy to such a young child, but premise is that same - your child needs to take responsibility. Good luck with cardiology team, fwiw I've always found them fantastic

candycoatedwaterdrops · 06/12/2013 08:34

FFS, typical sanctimonious MNers picking up on spelling. You all knew what she meant!!!!

piratecat · 06/12/2013 08:37

oh stop with the pedant stuff.

op, what she said was right, how she said it is another matter.

if he's unwell, you'll be feeling the strain.

hope he's sorted soon.x

DeWe · 06/12/2013 10:27

I don't think it's so different to what dd1's year 1 teacher said to her when she had had a UTI, and needed to go to the toilet regularly.
The teacher said to her: "Don't worry. If you need to go, then just go. You don't need to ask permission."

That was exactly what dd1 needed to hear from her. Dd1 hated to get into trouble, and she also didn't like drawing attention to herself. So telling her she basically had permission to go to the toilet when she needed to without asking, shed a huge load from her shoulders.

I think the teacher was basically giving your ds permission to sit out if necessary. And at the same time saying "I can't tell if you have pain, so don't wait for me to ask".

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 06/12/2013 11:29

I don't see why the teacher couldn't have said

"aww - you are such a brave lad to come to school when you are in pain. Now - listen. If you are in pain and you need to sit down then I want you to sit down straight away - ok. Don't worry about telling me - I'll know why - just sit down straight away. Promise?"

Exactly the same message but delivered in such a way that makes a poorly boy feel good and a (undoubtedly) very scared and stressed mum feel confident that her child is safe in school.

I would worry about a teacher who treats a child who is presumably still getting used to a big change in his life like he is a nuisance.

feathermucker · 06/12/2013 11:41

If there was a clear diagnosis of what is causing the pain, then they would treat it very differently. Whilst it is still being investigated, and not as an emergency as you stated, then they will naturally treat it as she has done.

Don't forget that, as Mum, you will naturally worry more than most. He's your son, your baby - of course you're going to feel worried....but...try not to panic. If they phoned you every time he complained of pain, he'd never be at school. It's important to carry on a sense of normality...for the time-being at least.

If they 'baby' him unnecessarily, it will make him more conscious of the pain and more aware of it.

Whilst you may not like what the teacher said, it's straightforward, sensible advice. He should sit down if he has pain. If it's bad pain, then they should phone you of course, but be careful not to over-react - and I say that with sympathy as it must be a very worrying time x

Pooka · 06/12/2013 11:45

DS has asthma. I have been reminding him that if he feels wheezy he MUST get his inhaler - on the understanding that the teacher cannot be expected to know how his chest is feeling.

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