To be worried about future with dp

[nicedp]

Have been with lovely dp for past 12mts. My only concern is that we come from completely different financial backgrounds. Dp comes from a background of relative poverty from childhood. He has a relatively low paying job and even though he lives a simple lifestyle I know he struggles with bills etc.

On the other hand, I come from a fairly well off business background and have always been lucky to have had it easier financially with a more lavish lifestyle. Even though I am still very comfortable financially I was hit very hard in recent years and lost a lot of money.

Recently I have been considering how the future might look if dp and I were to move in together. The reality is that I would not be able to continue the lifestyle I currently have if dp and I joined forces, as I don't have the means to support him and he wouldn't have the means to pay for himself if he were to live my lifestyle i.e. holidays, trips away, activities with dcs etc.

Any thoughts? I am not overly concerned for myself but more for the implications it would have for my dcs.

Well...do you love him or your "lifestyle" better? Seems an odd problem to me. Maybe I'm naive.

well that's what relationships are isn't it? looking at what you have and deciding that being a unit far outweighs the benefits of being single?

The idea that love conquers all is, IMO, a bit of a fantasy. A relationship has to work on practical as well as emotional grounds. If you are going to resent the change in your life style that results from taking this relationship further then unfortunately the relationship is doomed.
Only you will be able to answer if you think you will feel that resentment. I would guess that as you are asking the question, you know the answer already. Good luck.

Maybe you just settle at a level median. He has an increase in relative lifestyle, yours takes a hit. FOR NOW. Things can change drastically over a lifetime. If he is not lazy, works hard and doesn't take the piss I don't see the issue.

Thank you for the feedback, I really needed to hear those comments. To answer the questions asked, No, I don't think I would resent the lifestyle changes and no dp is not lazy. I think I am just nervous as I was badly burnt/betrayed in my marriage, and I can't afford to get it wrong again

I wouldn't struggle with someone being poor now, I would struggle with someone who didn't have roughly similar drive, motivation and desire for nice things as myself. Poverty is very virtuous but its also satisfying to work towards attainable goals in life. Its certainly possible to get a reasonably well paying job in time, so if he is so self limiting for that not to be a possibility, it would make me wary.

Though of course, love conquers all!

just have him as your bit on the side. protect the interests of yourself and your children.

LessMiss, yes I have considered that about the whole lack of drive thing and being self limiting etc. I come from a family that were all highly driven but that brought its own complications and disadvantages, and certainly did with xh. I don't see dp as ever becoming highly driven tbh. He prefers the quiet life and would be happier to slog along without too much responsibility or pressure I think.

I'm sure we could live together very happily and that he would bring a lot to my dcs lives in other ways but it would probably mean an end to holidays etc.

Hmm....

My own honest opinion (not intending to offend) is you wouldn't question money if you loved him heart and soul but then, I am around long enough to be realistic and these issues do get in the way. So I think you are wise to think it through .

I don't think he's the one for you if you're questioning it like this. You'd make it work regardless. I've been through this, but my DP was the 'well off' one. I don't think it even crossed his mind.

Now I earn more than him. Swings and roundabouts.

And if holidays are more important to you than the man you love, well you don't love him. Sorry I know this sounds harsh but it's true.

surely if you are going to have a future together, then finances will be joint.. does it really matter who brings the most money in?

I don't think it's actual bank balances which count as much as attitudes to money. I don't think someone who is careful with money will be comfortable with someone who is profligate.

if dp can budget well and make the most of what he has and saves whenever he can, that's a different thing from he never has money because the minute he has any, he buys a swanky gadget or something.

I agree with those who say you'd be looking to make it work if you were really keen, but you do seem to be looking at why it won't work more. It's wise to be cautious and take measures to protect yourself, but are you sure that's all it is?

Honestly, I was brought up to worry constantly about money be very very careful about money, so your concerns would occur to me, and that wouldn't mean that I didn't really love him enough. I'm not mercenary, but I am very aware of how any given financial risk might play out, I can't help but be aware of it.

One thing you might consider is whether you should protect some of your assets for the future of your DCs -- should you set it up so that a portion of your salary/savings goes to one side for their education, in a fund that is not accessible, so that you can have a joint account but limit their vulnerability? I don't think that has to mean that you don't genuinely love or trust him. This is a second partnership; it's perfectly reasonable, and responsible, to move forward with a new partner in a way that means you take a financial risk but your kids don't.

You might want to look harder at how you feel now/may feel later about his lack of drive though. Not saying he's lazy, but if you're a lot more motivated than he is you might want to think about whether that's eventually going to bother you a great deal.

Just my perspective.

I come from a family who are working class. My parents have always had to have full time jobs, I supported myself through Uni but we always had lovely camping holidays and were taught the value of money. As my dad would say, we weren't rolling in it, but we could save for the important things - like holidays. I have the same attitude towards money, though I do have a better paid job than my parents so all was going well with me financially.

DP's parents were business owners, he wanted for nothing. Then they went bankrupt. This experience also made DP appreciate money, he works hard and together our finances were comfortable, we had to be sensible - but we never worried about money, or denied ourselves anything

So this sounds all fine and lovely. Until I became ill. I had to have 2 years off work, no benefits, no job, in hospital 70% of the time and I am only just recovering enough to work 2 days a week. Massive financial strain, DP's wage suddenly had to cover all the bills as well as everything else. However, we managed. We are closer, stronger and more in love than ever.

My point is that your financial picture may look like this now, but you honestly have no idea how quickly it all can change. What is more important is that you have a supportive partner that you are willing to work with, and who is willing to work with you, no matter what happens. I know many men would have walked away from me when I had to undergo many surgeries for my Crohn's, purely because of the financial strain.

You just have to decide if he is the person you would stick around to help and support through a situation like that, or of you would walk away. I think if you can answer that honestly, then you know whether you will work.

Are you thinking about having more children with this man? Because if so then I can fully see why you're thinking so hard about this, if you had to take a break from work and then be dependent upon your DP's income and mat pay - sounds like it would be quite hard for you, and would be something you'd have to save up for.

Are you worried that your DC will resent him if their luxury holidays stop? they might, it's true - but it might also be a good lesson for them that they can't always have what they want, and that a happy home filled with love is actually worth more than all the overseas holidays in the world.

If your attitudes to money are much the same (cautious, spend only what you have type of thing) then you can probably cope together - but if they are wildly divergent then I wouldn't consider it at any price.

Everyone needs money, that's realistic and its also nice to have some left over for treats after the bills are paid but its more important to have a loving, supportive partner. I had to give up work two years ago to become a full time carer for a family member and my partner and I have had to make cutbacks but have worked together and I think we are stronger and happier as a result and now take nothing for granted and appreciate what we do have a lot more than before.

Sorry I'm late back to the thread but wanted to thank everyone for taking the time to post and say I found the various points very helpful. Keats and Fairylights have it right when they say I am only considering this because I have seen and experienced first hand the issues that money or lack of can bring.

I would not at all place holidays above love. I would happily do without in a loving relationship and not give it a second thought. It is more the worry of how this would impact my dcs i.e. not being able to provide them with things they are now used to such as drama classes etc because of the relationship choices I make.

Following the advice here I think I will let go of my concerns and trust that as long as things are good between us the rest will work out.

I suspect you and I OP are in a similar boat. DH is in a steady career with a reasonable salary but v careful with money; I've always earned more but spent it too, and for the first few years together happily subsidised holidays and we had an awesome time travelling. I'm still in a better paying role and we now ttc. We are moving towards joint finances, but not completely, as I'm more profligate than he is! I know others will find this weird, but we got together at 30 and married at 35 and I am reluctant to give up my financial freedom until we have kids. Our deal is that I will go back to work after (hopefully) #1 and he will go p/t. I think it's something every couple has to negotiate independently and dislike the prevalence of judgemental comments here sometimes when people maintain a degree of independent finances after marriage. So think you have to find your own way :)

You need to have the chat I think about your expectations.

Shit does happen. DP and I have been together for a long time. at the start we were students, then he earned more than me for years (although we knew barring misfortune or error on my part it was temporary), then I rapidly left him behind. After that, he was unemployed and then he found another job, but I am still main earner and have been for years.

I could have the penthouse flat, multiple holidays and flashy car if I was single. On the other hand, we are very happy, have a larger house and he is a fantastic support plus I fancy the pants off him 10 years in

Full disclosure though, difference in income was about 20k (now less) and I am a higher rate tax payer, so my decision making may be different from yours because none of us was a low earner.

I think for me one of the questions would be if him joining the household took away from your DC in a way that would impact them and that they would notice. That doesn't mean it's a bad thing, but worth considering, particularly if DC are young and might pick up hobbies that also cost.

I dont think you can love him enough if this is how you are thinking now tbh.

it's not like he isn't working

My mother is a fairly wise old lady. Her theory is that relationships are not all compromise as people might have you believe rather they are 2 people getting what they want 95% of the time and being happy to give someone else what they want 5% of the time. This was said to me when I was in a relationship that was full of compromises and did not make me happy. Once I met DH and I realised we really were on the same page and not in a totally boring way I understood what she meant. It is so much easier having someone on your wavelength in your life. I do not think the money is a huge issue if you do not feel you will be making huge compromises but only you know if it is compromise.

I dont think you can love him enough if this is how you are thinking now tbh

Nah, that's a pretty naive way to think.

It's very sensible to consider how your relationship, as the adult will impact your DCs. Or your own future living standards. If this is a second 'serious' relationship and you've already got kids then there is no rush to get married it move in together is there?

So your partner is more or less supporting himself at the moment.

You would probably find that if you did move in together, he would be able to pay his share of the bills no problem- it is far cheaper for 2 people to be living together than separately (1 lot of rent/mortgage, 1 lot of heating, etc). So by joining your finances you shouldn't be subsidising him as such.

My DP and I were in a long term, long distance relationship (120 miles apart). I had my own house in the Home Counties after being widowed, and was reasonably happy to continue that way. I was earning a lot more than DP who didn't earn or own much, and although it didn't worry me, because we loved each other, I kinda wondered how things could possibly work out.. Sounds a little bit like the thoughts going thru your mind nicedp

Then suddenly last year, everything changed and the situation was taken out of my hands. Without any warning, DP was diagnosed with cancer and Suddenly all I cared about was selling my house and moving over to be with him. Nothing else matters, not the house, not my job nothing. The thought of losing him put everything into a different perspective and shone a light on what was important to me, and us.

Happily it has worked out fine, DP has thank goodness recovered from surgery and we are now living together and I was still able to keep my job thanks to modern technology. We don't regret our decision for a moment, and are still amazed at how a dire situation can be a blessing in disguise.

If your love is strong and your 'direction of travel' in life is the same you really can make things work. Believe me, drama classes is not an issue in the grand scheme of things! It would be better to think about whether you can all live together happily and lovingly - all the other stuff is just frills round the edges! I hope things slot into place for you and that you become more certain about how to move things forward.