To be worried about future with dp

[nicedp]

Have been with lovely dp for past 12mts. My only concern is that we come from completely different financial backgrounds. Dp comes from a background of relative poverty from childhood. He has a relatively low paying job and even though he lives a simple lifestyle I know he struggles with bills etc.

On the other hand, I come from a fairly well off business background and have always been lucky to have had it easier financially with a more lavish lifestyle. Even though I am still very comfortable financially I was hit very hard in recent years and lost a lot of money.

Recently I have been considering how the future might look if dp and I were to move in together. The reality is that I would not be able to continue the lifestyle I currently have if dp and I joined forces, as I don't have the means to support him and he wouldn't have the means to pay for himself if he were to live my lifestyle i.e. holidays, trips away, activities with dcs etc.

Any thoughts? I am not overly concerned for myself but more for the implications it would have for my dcs.

Could he retrain and get a better paid job?

But presumably if you are managing as a single mother, surely if he moved in you'd be better off (assuming your existing home is big enough).

How would him moving in mean you have less money for outings with DC or activities, although maybe have to make some compromises over holidays.

This has nothing to do with "not loving him enough". The OP would be extremely unreasonable if she did not consider the effect of moving in with her new partner on her children and I am amazed that some people think that it is wrong for her to be thinking about it.

If moving in with him is going to limit your children's educational and other opportunities in life, I would be having a really good think about whether it would be better to stay as two households. It depends how serious the limitations will be, but if they are serious, then this could have a real impact on your children and their future lives. What do your children think about it?

I don't understand why your DCs' drama classes and other activities would suddenly have to cease if you and your DP moved in together?

Why would you need to subsidise him to the level that you need to cut back on what you provide to your DCs?

I understand about holidays potentially taking a hit, because your DP maybe couldn't afford the type of holiday you go on now and you couldn't cover costs for an additional adult but if he's working he shouldn't need you to sub him for day to day living should he?

It is not about money per se. It is about expectations I think. I had a relationship for a long time with a man who was from a very different financial background. In the end it broke us up - not because of the actual money. He was always slightly uncomfortable in my life, with my friends, the place I would expect to live etc. He also felt uncomfortable when we went to his home and his world. In a sense he got trapped between two worlds. It bothered him greatly and in the end broke us up.

I don't believe in all the romantic stuff about 'The One', and I do think it's sensible to think about finances and the long-term future before making any big decisions, especially when children are involved. But I'm not entirely seeing why you'd be any worse off with him than on your own. For example, if he moved in with you, wouldn't he be paying half your rent/mortgage and bills?

If you think he'd demand you pay for things for him, at the expense of your children's opportunities, then obviously it would be a bad idea. But would you want to be with someone like that anyway?

I dont think you can love him enough if this is how you are thinking now tbh

I agree with this. And I think it's naïve to think otherwise.

Amazed at some of the replies here.

OP. Is your DP kind? Is he trustworthy? Does he have integrity? Do you feel happy when you are with him? Is he good to your kids? Does he work hard? Is he responsible with the money he earns?

These are the questions to ask, not 'Is he a high enough earner?'

Look at Charles Saatchi FGS.