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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell OH to spend all future xmases with his Ex Wife.

38 replies

Gossipmonster · 03/12/2013 19:40

OH was an arse last Xmas and the two before that actually.

We have a good relationship but quite complicated arrangements with our 6 DC and him being in the Navy (so as not to drip feed).

Last year ended in a row over Christmas dinner (with my 3 DC sat there bemused) and him storming off and sitting in our bedroom and me trying not to cry :( excellent Hmm.

This yr he is working (forces) so will be away - the kids and I are going to a friends for dinner.

Every yr we have collected his kids Boxing Day and had them until NYE/NYD, done a second Xmas with them and generally had a nice Christmassey time. Normally meaning we have his kids while mine are at their dads (their mum will not let us have the kids at Xmas) his grown up DS is always invited here but prefers to come for New Year too.

Just had a conversation with him on the phone and he said we'll prob have a better time without him as he's always shitty at Xmas. When I asked what exactly there was to be shitty about he said because he misses seeing his kids.

AIBU to feel angry and pissed off that he, a grown adult, feels its ok to make my kids Xmas miserable because he's not going to see his kids until the next day and have them for an entire frigging week?!

AIBU to find this really selfish that he can't get over himself and cheer the fuck up or else go and take his sorry arse to his ex wife's?!

OP posts:
MortifiedAnyFuckerAdams · 03/12/2013 19:42

Tbh Id say if he cant be here happily then he can find somewhere else to go for Christmas.

Surely the fact that it makes you miserable would be enough for him.to buck his ideas up? Maybe his stroppy toddlerness is why he has an ex.

Justforlaughs · 03/12/2013 19:43

Given that he isn;t going to be there at Christmas (unless I've misunderstood) I think you;re making a mountain out of a molehill. Why can;t he see his own kids at Christmas anyway? (when he isn;t abroad obviously) The courts normally allow alternate years, unless HE agrees to it. Whole thing sounds daft.

Mintyy · 03/12/2013 19:45

Well, no, don't tell him that (your thread title).

Just tell him to cheer the fuck up.

wontletmesignin · 03/12/2013 19:46

I think you are being ur.

He lives with your dc. So sees them a lot more than his other dc.

Im sure he wasnt trying to indicate in any way that he thought more of his other dc.

Obviously you are upset that he isnt going to be there. But it seems he is upset too..sounds hes in self pity mode too.

I cant blame either of you really. I do think you should cut him a bit of slack.

Imagine you werent going to see your children. Even just one, on christmas.

Original poster
Gossipmonster · 03/12/2013 19:49

He doesn't live here, he lives on base.

Very difficult to get a court order when in the forces and we would be v UR to his ex seeing as she does months on end without a break.

OP posts:
Oldraver · 03/12/2013 20:52

Does his children come to you (your house) between Christmas and New Year ?

WooWooOwl · 03/12/2013 20:59

He's not going to be there anyway, so what difference does it make?

He was basically telling you, albeit in a roundabout way, that he finds it hard being without his own children on Christmas Day, and it is made harder by having someone else's around.

I don't really see what's wrong with that.

I'd feel shit if I couldn't have my own kids around at Christmas too, and it would be significantly worse if I couldn't do a completely adult Christmas and instead had to focus on someone else's children. I'd have thought that was a completely normal way to feel when you're missing your children on Christmas Day.

IAmNotAMindReader · 03/12/2013 21:00

It doesn't matter whose kids are where, the problem is an adults childish reaction to the situation. Whilst I understand his heart may be breaking over missing them at Christmas that's no excuse to ruin it for someone else, especially other children. He's an adult and should be capable of monitoring his behaviour and if he can't perhaps his suggestion is right.

Mellowandfruitful · 03/12/2013 21:02

Is Christmas an intensified version of what he is like otherwise, or is this seasonal shittiness completely out of character for the rest of the year?

WooWooOwl · 03/12/2013 21:10

He's not ruining anything, he's not going to be there. It's a non issue.

wontletmesignin · 03/12/2013 21:18

How is he ruining it for you and your dc? Because he is not happy?

Have you stopped to consider how he is feeling this christmas?

wontletmesignin · 03/12/2013 21:21

Does it bother you that you have to have his dc for an entire week?

SeaSickSal · 03/12/2013 21:25

Would you rather you had an OH who didn't give a shit about seeing his kids at Christmas ? Because if he didn't he would be a complete tosser.

wontletmesignin · 03/12/2013 21:28

Sorry for posting again. But what does any of this have to do with his ex wife??

squoosh · 03/12/2013 21:29

Very self-indulgent of him to strop about not caring that he was ruining Christmas for half his family just because he doesn't get to see his other kids on that exact day. I'd be hard pushed to tolerate that kind of behaviour.

AdoraBell · 03/12/2013 21:32

YANBU

Never mind cheer up, he needs To grow up.

Did you cause him To Get married, have DCs and then divorce?

Did you cause him To do the job he is doing?

If not then he is at léast partly responsable for the fact that he doesn't wake up with his DCs clambering for presents etc on Christmas day.

Missing your DCs is one thing, but being an arse To other people because of it unacceptable.

WaitingForMe · 03/12/2013 21:35

YANBU. He needs to grow up.

DH used to be a bit fed up on a Sunday night after the boys went back to their mothers and while I sympathised I gave him the choice between seeing me or having a night to mope. (Before we lived together)

This Christmas like every other he won't see all of his kids as much as he'd like. Well I'd like my dad to not be dead. I'd like my MIL to be less of a cow. No family is perfect - you take the good you have and celebrate that. Scheduling shitty behaviour is beyond pathetic.

IamInvisible · 03/12/2013 21:37

Is he working on base or deployed for Christmas, and when you had the phone call? I only ask because my DH is away (RAF) and is the most misery arsed person in the world right now, and says we will be better off not having him at home at Christmas.

Our circumstances are different to yours, and from what you say he does sound like a bit of a misery guts at Christmas, but don't burn your bridges just yet. Wait until he gets home, wait until the Summer or something when you are both relaxed and try to have a calm discussion about it. If he still is going to be a kill joy on Christmas Day, tell him to spend it on base and come home when he picks his kids up on Boxing Day or something.

Hope you have a nice Christmas this year.Xmas Smile

Greenfircone · 03/12/2013 21:40

At least he realises he's likely to be shitty and knows why.

He is being an arse though, it isn't like he's not going to see his kids over the festive period. Loads of people have to celebrate Christmas on different days. We used have to go to my granny's on Christmas eve for a Christmas dinner and presents. I've been to my brother's for boxing day.

Catrin · 03/12/2013 21:41

I do not have my dd this CHristmas. I have politely declined all offers to spend Christmas with anyone else as if I cannot spend it with my child, I do not want to spend it with other people's.
I understand you want to spend it with him, but if you are with your children, why can;t you have a lovely day with them and then do a big thing after with both sets of children and both of you?
CHristmas is a very emotive time - it is marketed as being all about family and if half of his is missing, he is bound to feel a bit low about it.

ItsIgginningToLookALotLikeXmas · 03/12/2013 23:05

Seems OP makes a nice time for her dp's dcs, she doesn't leave them to her oh to look after - so do t understand why it is ok for her to just "get on with" Christmas with her own dcs and he can opt out of this (I don't mean by working away; I mean by sulking when he is there)

TooTabooHasBigShinyBaubles · 03/12/2013 23:14

He's being an arse.

I understand why he would feel upset, I'm.dreading it when DS has to alternate Xmas between me and his dad. however, you have children too and it is unfair of him to behave in this way.

He is seeing them on Boxing Day and they are staying for a week. He needs to.grow the fuck up.

Ullapull · 03/12/2013 23:19

I have read and reread this and i agree with wontletme - why are you dragging his ex wife into this? He misses his kids and spending time with them. Do you have issues with his ex wife? Is this all about you perhaps?

Monty27 · 03/12/2013 23:24

OP, when my dc's were young, on alternate xmasses they'd be with their df, I'd go to my dsis family who had young dcs, the pining was so painful I can't describe it, even if I was having them back the next day or whatever.

Xmas is about dcs, particularly your own dcs so I can empathise. Sorry.

Original poster
Gossipmonster · 03/12/2013 23:31

Yes it is about my DC too.

We can't have his DC, he is can adult who knew I had kids when he entered the relationship as I knew he was in the Navy (and put up with A LOT).

I like his ex and I love his kids who we see THE NEXT DAY (and is also one DC's bday so we do that too).

I understand how he feels I just think he's a grown up and he should put on a brave face for the sake of my DC, and it's UR to expect to spend future xmases apart because he can't get over it.

We do stockings and Xmas dinner for his DC.

OP posts: