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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to be cross with and ask for a meeting with DS's pre-school

39 replies

AngelNanny · 03/12/2013 19:23

DS is

OP posts:
VelvetStrider · 03/12/2013 19:24
Confused
bialystockandbloom · 03/12/2013 19:25

YABU but then again Y might NBU. Depends on what's happened really.

Original poster
AngelNanny · 03/12/2013 19:30

Oooops!

DS stated pre-school in September just 15hrs a week, he is 2yrs.

DS has various health problems including a pretty rubbish immune system (primary immunodeficiency).

Monday DP took DS to pre-school as usual but I asked him to let the pre-school staff know that he had been under the weather the day before and had had a temp Sunday lunch time which came down with neurofen and didn't return. I also asked the pre-school to call me if DS was grumpy or unhappy and if he had a temperature and to please keep an eye on him.

DP collected DS 3hrs later, at finish time and bought him home. Upon his return I noticed DS was very red and lethargic and felt hot. I took his temperature and it was 39.9 degrees so rung the GP for an appointment. He has got an eye infection and inflamed throat.

If I had know DS was poorly I wouldn't have taken him in yesterday but he genuinely seemed ok.

So AIBU to be cross and speak with the pre-school about a) not noticing he was unwell or burning up and b) if they did notice why didn't they call me when I had specifically asked?

OP posts:
Thecircle · 03/12/2013 19:32

How do you know he had a temperature or was ill at nursery?

Infections/fevers can come on very suddenly

ilovesooty · 03/12/2013 19:32

If he was obviously unwell at pick up why didn't your partner ask them?

Original poster
AngelNanny · 03/12/2013 19:34

Sorry I didn't mean to drip feed. Pre-school told DP at collection that DS hadn't been himself.
Also we live in the next road from the pre-school so collection takes no more than 5mins

OP posts:
grumpalumpgrumped · 03/12/2013 19:36

In all honesty if he had Nurofen at lunch Sunday then I would have not sent him Monday morning but I have a Ds who never gets over temps on his own, without it turning into something.

Are you sure your DH pre warned them? Happens a lot in my nursery that one parents forgets to pass on a message.

Was he ill when DH got there, did he not notice? If not maybe he got hotter on way home?

ilovesooty · 03/12/2013 19:37

So if they told your partner that he was unwell I still don't see why questions couldn't be asked at pick up.

Original poster
AngelNanny · 03/12/2013 19:37

There have been a few other little things and I suppose this has been the last straw.

Twice DS has come home from pre-school without his bum wiped properly (he is still in nappies).

Also I noticed on a couple of occasions his drink had not been opened for him in his lunch box so he hadn't had a drink. (One of DS's conditions causes him to become dehydrated, urinate a lot and therefore he needs extra fluids).

All small things but when I put them all together and he has only been there 10weeks so far.

OP posts:
vestandknickers · 03/12/2013 19:38

He may not have had a temp at nursery. If he was fine when you dropped him off and you picked him up only three hours later, then he may well have been fine while he was there. Fevers can come on very quickly and he may have seemed lethargic with you becasue he relaxed when he got home. I wouldn't be going on the war path just yet if this is the only potential problem you've had with the nursery.

ElfontheShelfIsWATCHINGYOUTOO · 03/12/2013 19:39

Is there a big difference sooty with questions being asked at pick up? I mean, does that absolve them or something I am confused.

I think its un likey he was ill at pre-school, he probably seemed OK, and got worse before home time.

Emmallie · 03/12/2013 19:39

Might work better if you use it as the opportunity to say you need to be able to get him medical attention asap if he catches something and was there any sign at all, could they watch out for clues etc with the underlying assumption that it came on fast and they would have been very clever to spot it (even if you suspect not).

Just thinking your goal is to get them to be more vigilant and communicative rather than defensive.

Emmallie · 03/12/2013 19:39

oops, 4 messages behind, sorry

ilovesooty · 03/12/2013 19:41

Is there a big difference sooty with questions being asked at pick up? I mean, does that absolve them or something I am confused

Perhaps I didn't come over very clearly. I'm just wondering why the OP is suggesting a meeting when concerns could have been expressed at the time and addressed then.

CrohnicallySick · 03/12/2013 19:43

YANBU to want an appointment- but go in from a 'how can we stop this happening again' point of view, rather than a 'omg how dare you not notice he was ill' sort of way.

For a start, does your DS have a healthcare plan in place? Not sure if it's compulsory in preschool, but at school every child with a health condition has one, with signs of emergency and what to do clearly explained.

For that matter, are the preschool fully aware of his health problems? Have you perhaps handed out fact sheets so that they know he's not just one of these children that catches every cold going, but that he has a diagnosed and documented health condition?

Are you sure your DH relayed the message correctly, and that the member of staff heard and understood the message? It's easy to play Chinese whispers when asking someone else to pass a message on. Perhaps it would be better to relay messages in writing in future- maybe via a home/preschool diary?

Original poster
AngelNanny · 03/12/2013 19:46

Ilovesooty I asked DP exactly the same thing. The problem with him is he always thinks DS is whinging for the sake of it or to just be annoying. I think he is on a different planet half the time.

OP posts:
CrohnicallySick · 03/12/2013 19:47

There were a few posts while I was typing that out.

On your Ds health plan, if you get one done, you need to make sure the need to drink is spelled out. Suggest 1 or 2 members of staff responsible for opening his drink and checking that he has had some. It's all to easy to miss a child, especially if they don't mention it, perhaps a member of staff asked if all the children had their drinks opened and he didn't respond.

ilovesooty · 03/12/2013 19:51

AngelNanny I must admit I did wonder about that. My feeling was that your partner seemed not to take responsibility and it's been left to you to address - apologies if I got that wrong.

MissOtisRegretsMadam · 03/12/2013 19:53

I think your problem is really your dh thinking he is whinging to be annoying!

I would suggest a meeting to talk more in depth about your sons needs and ask for a health care plan to be done so sll staff know what to look for and how to meet his needs.

Casmama · 03/12/2013 19:54

I think your first task needs to be a proper chat with your dp about what he said, or didn't say, when he dropped him off.

Original poster
AngelNanny · 03/12/2013 19:55

I know DP relayed the question properly as I wrote it all out for him what to say as unfortunately I could make drop off. DP also came home proud of himself because he had Remembered to tell the pre-school and said he read the note word for word. Including me writing a reminder that DS wouldn't be in today because he was having more tests.

I did have an in depth meeting with the pre-school about all DS's health problems and ongoing tests. I think the idea of taking in printed information is a good one so thank you.

Maybe you are right that I shouldn't be cross so yes I may be being unreasonable in that respect. So I think I will approach the meeting differently and talk about prevention with the sheets etc.

I do understand that temperatures can come on quickly but I felt that it must have heating up for a little while to reach 39.9. I think I just feel upset that I specifically mentioned it and asked if they would keep an eye on things.

DP should have raised the issue I feel but as he is not my son's biological father he does feel that it's not always his place. We did row a bit last night about this and can understand his feelings.

Thank you for all the posts so far

OP posts:
bundaberg · 03/12/2013 19:57

no i don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

i would expect any good and caring nursery to notice that a child was red, lethargic and running a temperature. But even more so if that child has an immunodeficiency.

if they knew he had been ill, noticed he wan't quite himself then they really should have been keeping a closer eye on him, imo

Original poster
AngelNanny · 03/12/2013 19:57

Yes Ilovesooty that is correct.

OP posts:
CrohnicallySick · 03/12/2013 19:58

Oh, I didn't mean you shouldn't be cross- just that going in with all guns blazing would put people's backs up and wouldn't be as productive. If you try and dictate what they do you will be met with resistance and excuses. If you go in with an open mind and ask for their input you will get much better results.

Casmama · 03/12/2013 20:00

Ok fair enough. Yes definitely worth a chat then.